Solo [Great Harbor] Serenity by the Sea (Solo)

[Orin Fenix]

Morning 80th of Spring, 515AV

Orin stared out across the expanse where the water normally would be showing blankly. The early morning mist that always seemed to linger by the harbor hadn’t disappointed today. It swirled in tantalizing patterns that would’ve normally set Orin’s imagination blazing down a million different pathways but today just gave Orin a splitting headache. Too often lately, Orin’s mind had been unwilling to operate, as if declaring to Orin that it wasn’t functioning properly. And Orin knew this had been coming, and had still been hoping to prevent it. It had been a long season in so many ways and Orin was emotionally, physically and mentally drained. He'd gone walking for clarity this morning leaving Sylvette behind. Sometimes his head felt too crowded with her in it. Orin couldn’t ever say it was in a bad way, since that wasn’t how the Kelvic bond functioned, but Orin was used to privacy and now there was none. And not even being alone in one’s own head was the worst kind of invasion. It alternatively brought Orin endless joy and a crippling fear to know it was there, and that wore on him. So, Orin had come meandering down to the mist shrouded docks. Somehow, both walking and the sound of the waves beating against the shore helped bring restfulness to Orin. Orin didn’t know if it was a personal preference or just an innate trait of all humans, but Orin needed all the help he could get. Besides, these particular docks were associated with aiding others, or they had been until recently and the Svefra Nal’Lyeo. Now even his memories were tainted. He remembered a morning all the way back at the beginning of the season before bondmates and romance and adventures had complicated issues endlessly to the point where Orin didn't even know who he was or where he stood. Crouching down Orin scooped up a stone and tossed it as far out to sea as he could. It was soon lost to sight but Orin heard the plunk as it hit the water.

On that long ago morning Orin had met a women who had such a mental burden that she seemed incapable of moving on with her life. Her guilt had consumed and shockingly Orin's words and the stories that Orin had shared had somehow lifted her spirits and he'd continued to do so in the time he'd known her. But Orin hadn't been able to help himself the same way. He'd let himself get trapped in his own mind and the chains of his life were dragging him down until coherent thought seemed a challenge. His issues were no where near as easy to pin down as Isolde's were and correspondingly much more difficult for Orin to come to terms with. They were issues of fundamental identity mixed together with deep-seated neuroses and anxieties that Orin hadn't even known were there for most of his life. They battered at Orin until the wounds they inflicted were almost physical. Orin had to resolve as many of them as he could, now, before they pulled him down into an unending spiral of depression and helplessness.

Orin sank down and pulled his knees into his chest. Confessing to Crest had relieved the pressure for a time but it had been too little too late. And since Crest had left, Orin hadn't actually forced himself to work through the issues he'd revealed to both the Svefra and to himself. Instead Orin had let them see the light of day for a brief instant before shoving them back into the recesses of his mind. He kept them there because it was too painful to actually confront them. If he did, Orin wouldn't be able to get up in the morning. Orin knew people found that he was far too optimistic. The truth of the matter was, it was all surface. Orin needed to view the world through rose-colored glasses because it wasn't possible for Orin to get through his days otherwise. Orin had been through more hardship than most people were probably aware of given his cheery demeanor and easy mien. They'd be wrong, but Orin had constructed this almost false persona, this face he showed to the world, deliberately. Not because he wanted to conceal anything from anyone else, but because he was trying to hide from himself.

So Orin smiled until it felt real and laughed until it wasn't hollow. He went to parties and work and to see acquaintances with a light heart because Orin knew that was what they'd expect and what they needed from him. Orin let other's concerns supplant his own so Orin could ignore their very existence. It was safer for everyone that way. And he believed that people were good at heart despite all the evidence to the contrary because the world was bearable then. And Orin tried to cheer his friends up, the few he had because that made Orin feel better about himself and made the world just a little bit closer to the image Orin clung to. And if that made Orin hopelessly naive so be it. That was better than hopeless and pessimistic. Orin just couldn't seem to find a middle ground between the two that was comfortable to live in.

But it had been harder and harder recently for Orin to maintain his spirits. Whether it was his dissatisfaction with his job, his recent foray into confronting his romantic inclinations, or his conflicted feelings about having a bondmate, Orin just had too much on his plate to be able to put it all under lock and key as was his wont. Orin bowed his head and took a deep shuddering breath. It meant that Orin had some thinking to do and that was far from his forte. But if Orin continued to snap at people the way he'd snapped at Asen a few days back it would end in disaster. Orin had to beat whatever was plaguing him or it would paralyze Orin. And, truth be told, it would be nice to not be carrying around this burden at all times, to let the clump Orin carried halfway between his heart and his gut go for once. He just had to be careful that it didn't consume him in the process.

[Orin Fenix]

All these tangled threads were so intertwined that Orin couldn’t possibly determine where one ended and where one began. Perhaps it would be best, then to simply start with the more recent incidents and work his way backwards. Those were freshest in his mind and might help Orin remember details about earlier events. So, Orin cast his mind back to his fight with Asen. It was true her assertions about Kelvic were so far off the mark that they bordered on outrageously offensive. And Asen had continuously referred to Sylvette and her kind as objects to be bought and sold and not as loving and caring individuals. It would be enough to send anyone who knew anything about Kelvics into a rage. Someone with a bondmate would be doubly enraged. But Orin, though he did lose his temper occasionally, had never gotten quite that mad before. Something about the topic had pushed buttons Orin didn’t even know he had. And they all came back not to Asen, who was simply ignorant and belligerent and nothing Orin hadn’t seen before or couldn’t handle, but rather to Sylvette and the nature of Orin’s relationship with her. So, Orin felt a bit guilty even if Asen had been in the wrong. At the very least Orin had given her another chance. Maybe he could smooth things over with the Half-Dhani squire.

But Asen wasn’t the issue here. It was Orin and whatever was bothering him about his bond. Tendrils of dread drifted through Orin’s limbs and body. His bond was, unquestionably good, good for both Sylvette and Orin. So Orin couldn’t, or maybe didn’t want to determine why it made him feel so awful now. It wasn't anything specific to Sylvette although Orin did find some of her habits and traits got on his nerves. For instance her casual acceptance of nudity deeply offended Orin's Syliran sensibilities. Her insistence on calling Orin master had been an enormous issue between them and hopefully Orin had cured her of it. And finally, the fact that she seemed to reject all of the subtle and not so subtle hints Orin made to her that she had to pursue a life outside of Orin. But overall Orin cared for her a great deal. Perhaps too much.

Orin felt his eyes widen as he pursued this new train of thought. Orin had only really loved one person in his life, his father. And in return, his father had abused Orin mentally, emotionally, and physically. Since then Orin had drifted through life, never letting himself grow too attached too anyone or anything since Orin knew the pain of loss too well . And all Orin knew of love of any kind was forever tainted with the knowledge that love had broken Orin's father completely and totally to the point where his own son had been an affront to his father's eyes. Since then, Orin had shied away from any interactions that might end up with Orin deeply attached to anyone else. The only reason Sylvette had gotten so close was because Orin hadn't known who or what she was until it was far too late and the inevitable bonding had occurred. But Orin's fundamental nature hadn't changed. The bond and Sylvette might have forced that part of Orin open, ripped it apart even, but Orin's mind knew the end result of this would just be more torment. So Orin had been trying to cut himself off from Sylvette in every way he could.

And then Asen had let slip the transient nature of Kelvics. Orin hadn't given any thought to the fact that Sylvette might pass away far before he did. That had thrown Orin so completely and totally that Orin had lashed out. It reinforced the truths Orin already had internalized to the point where he didn't know him, that the only result Orin should come to expect from life was loss and more loss. Orin didn't deserve love. After all, if his own father couldn't love him, then no one could. So Orin had protected himself the only way he knew how, by shutting down the parts of himself that might actually be inclined to anything related to love. It was the same way a doctor might cut off an infected limb to save the patient. And now, there was an infection that Orin couldn't fight in the form of Sylvette.

She would leave him, as everyone always did and all Orin would be left with was the pain. And Orin couldn't explain this to her. She was too young and innocent to be shaken into the harsh realities of this life. And Orin was too kind a person to do that to another person. He might be willing to absorb pain himself, to live with the emptiness inside and present his seemingly happy facade to the world, but Orin wouldn't inflict heartache or suffering on anyone else if he could prevent it. Orin didn't want anyone to go through what he'd been through and if that meant shutting himself down and cutting himself from others completely, then Orin would do it. After all, he'd done it before.

But this time it was different. This time, there was no way Orin could remove himself from Sylvette without breaking the bond between them. And Orin didn't know how to do that, or if it was even possible. Besides it would crush Sylvette. So Orin was stuck in uncharted territory. Every direction was trapped. Either Orin released himself from the agony by causing untold duress to someone else or he suffered in silence. Orin didn't know how he could simply turn on a part of himself that he'd destroyed so completely. Orin didn't even know if he had the capacity for love anymore. Just like a muscle when not used would lose its strength Orin's wellsprings of regard for other human beings had long ago dried up. Orin felt tears well up and unashamedly tilted his head to let them fall and join the salt water below him.

[Orin Fenix]

Even as his tears connected with the sea, Orin felt his mind drift towards Crest. He'd promised the Svefra that he would never forget him. And the sea which before had brought calm in its wake was now simply a reminder of one more disaster that love had brought to Orin. The stupidest part about all of it was that Orin didn't even think he loved Crest. He'd only really known the man for a day. But that day had been so incredibly freeing, a release from Orin's usual humdrum existence and complete and utter lack of any kind of a personal life, that it had almost felt as if Orin was another person entirely. Maybe the person Orin had been meant to be before everything in his life had conspired to prevent it. But it had been such a fleeting moment in time, lost forever except in the memory of two parted souls, and it had ended in a disaster of Orin’s own making, that it seemed unreal, somehow. Or maybe it was just another one of life’s cruel tricks. It would show Orin something he wanted, then take it away. It would let Orin assume everything was alright then pulled the rug out from under him, sucker punch him and kick him in the teeth for good measure. It hadn’t been Crest’s fault that it had gone so wrong, quite the contrary. Orin had messed that one up all on his own. And had admitted that fact and apologized for it. It had only been then that Orin’s revelation about his fear of love had actually come to light, although Orin hadn’t told it to Crest in exactly those terms.

But the sea had snatched Crest away, as Orin had known it would. And Orin hadn’t been able to go with him, tied to Syliras by bonds of friendship and responsibility that Orin was unwilling to sever. Sylvette depended on Orin, and whatever else Orin might feel about his relationship with her, he most definitely wasn’t going to abandon her. He saw her as a child, but she filled the spot that a little sister would fill. Or at least, that’s what Orin had been thinking of her as. He’d never had any siblings so Orin didn’t know how, exactly that hierarchy or type of relationship worked. In fact, Orin had no basis for relationships of any kind, either familial or otherwise. So Orin was in completely uncharted territory here with Crest and Sylvette. And that, on top of all of Orin’s other anxieties was almost too much to handle.

But Orin had already pondered on Sylvette for long enough. There was one other issue regarding Crest that Orin needed to sort out, one that had been conveniently ignored in favor of other, deeper concerns. But this one was just as troubling in its own ways, if only because it so upset the social customs and norms that Orin had practically internalized. Crest was a man. And Orin was a man. And everything that Orin had been taught suggested that relationships between two men were impolite and strange and best and unholy and unnatural at worst. But, in the light of his feelings for Crest, Orin wouldn’t, couldn’t believe that. There hadn't been anything that felt different or wrong about Orin's emotions or physical reactions towards Crest. The opposite in fact. It had been the most natural expression Orin had maybe ever felt. But Orin didn't know if that meant that he was attracted to men in general. It was a scary thought, if only because Orin knew how everyone else he knew would react to it. But thinking back on his life Orin couldn't remember feeling that way for anyone else before. And he'd certainly been able to appreciate the beauty of women. But never love, or even lust for anyone, male or female. Orin couldn't decide what that meant.

Maybe though, it just meant that Orin couldn't love blindly. Which would tie in with his earlier thoughts. Orin might not be attracted to one gender or the other exclusively, but maybe he was only able to open up to people he connected with. And Orin knew those were few and far between if in the nineteen years of his life Orin had only felt this way once. If anything, that was a more depressing thought than the idea that Orin might be somehow abnormal. Orin didn't know if he could wait another nineteen years for this. It was as if Crest had awakened a part of Orin that had long been dormant. In fact, that's probably exactly what the Svefra had done. And now that it was aware, it would not rest easy until Orin had satisfied it. And that wasn't something Orin could do unless he got over his fears. It was a trap of his own making and the bars kept closing in.

[Orin Fenix]

Orin couldn’t bear thinking about love for one tick longer, so he turned his attention to the other problem that had been nagging him recently. It was getting harder and harder to control himself in The Rearing Stallion. Rondo had always been a problem but this season he’d seemed to step up his efforts to make everything as difficult as possible for Orin. Orin was getting sick and tired of it and hadn’t been controlling his annoyance as well as he had been. Rondo was a bully of the highest order when it came to Orin and Orin, who normally didn’t put up with bullies, had let himself be pushed around to keep the peace. But now that Orin had honed his skills to the point that he felt he was the equal, or even better, of Rondo, it rankled to let the older chef have his way all the time. Orin was just having trouble letting the habits of a season go, and that was what was annoying him the most. That he cringed every time Rondo looked at him when by all rights Orin should be standing his ground and giving as good as he got. But Orin didn’t like confrontations, even when he knew they were necessary. He’d much rather everyone just got along. But Rondo would never tolerate Orin in his kitchen, that much was clear. Unless Orin took a stand, which was unlikely seeing as Orin had no idea how it would turn out, Rondo wasn't likely to change his ways or his attitude towards Orin.

But Orin's issues were more than that. He loved Remi and Ser Kevith and The Rearing Stallion in general. He would be eternally grateful for everything they'd done for him, from taking him in, to letting him hone his skills, to putting up with his idiosyncrasies, and to letting Orin experiment with new dishes and combinations. Orin didn't know if he could ever repay them for their kindness and he'd always have a special place for them in his otherwise empty heart. But recently, Orin had been getting an itch that he couldn't scratch in Syliras. The tavern fare was definitely a good foundation for any cook to have. It was whole, hearty, simple enough that Orin could adapt it to most kitchens and ingredients and was able to feed many people at once. But it wasn't enough for Orin. He wanted to pioneer meals. He needed to seek out new cuisines. And he dreamed of the experiments he could do with the ingredients that were just waiting for Orin in the next city over.

Beyond food though, there was a whole world out there for Orin to explore. Although Orin was safe and secure and certainly wasn't looking to seek out danger, there were cultures and places out there that were just begging to be discovered. Every time Orin met someone who had either traveled extensively or who had come from a place outside Syliras Orin had devoured their stories in a way that shocked himself. Adventure wasn't something Orin had ever expected to appeal to him. But it appeared that he'd taken his New Year's resolution to seek out new things and be more daring and outgoing to heart. He wasn't just the simple son of a farmer who had made himself into a cook anymore. Orin apparently had wandering feet and they apparently did not take well to being grounded.

But Orin couldn't afford to travel, in more ways than one. The most obvious was financial. Setting off into the wilderness was dangerous, time consuming, and from what Orin could tell required extensive funds that Orin simply didn't have. Orin couldn't afford the supplies necessary to make a journey. Nor could he protect himself well enough to brave the wilds. So Orin would have to hire someone to guard his back while he was out there, even as he brought along aid when he was out hunting ingredients. It was a daunting thought and Orin cursed the pittance that chefs were paid. Orin wouldn't change professions easily but it would be nice to be paid as one of the more lucrative jobs were.

But financial concerns could be easily fixed if Orin was willing to wait. The other problems were not nearly so tangible. All Orin had ever known was in Syliras and Mithryn and Orin didn't know if he was ready to face unknown lands. And Orin had ties here, to people that, even if he might not love them, at least he held in high regard. Orin couldn't just leave all that as easily as changing clothes. Also, Orin had responsibilities to his job, his friends and to Sylvette. Orin could barely care for her here in Syliras. How exactly was he supposed to make her life bearable if the two of them were on the road. It simply wasn't possible. So Orin was hemmed in on all sides. His heart had betrayed him, his feet yearned for the open road and his mind was filled with dark thoughts. As the mist cleared slightly Orin stared at his reflection in the water below. He saw a small, frightened child, not worth anyone's regard or love and tears threatened to overflow again.

[Orin Fenix]

But then that same core of inner strength that refused to let Orin give in to bullies, back down from a fight, or give up hope even in the darkest times reared its head up. It wasn’t something Orin really knew he had. It just appeared when he needed it most and the rest of the time seemed content to stay silent until the next crisis. But for all of the suffering that Orin had gone through he had come out with this unbreakable core of self. Maybe all the hard knocks had really been hammering Orin into a person with a spine of steel that was disguised as a soft and bumbling fool. But this other self, this near stranger emerged from where Orin kept it and dried the tears and straightened Orin out of the ball he’d unconsciously curled up into. Orin had little patience for self-pity in others. As he was just discovering, he had little patience for depression in himself too.

After all, none of the issue Orin was working through were exactly life-threatening. And Orin could live a perfectly happy life without love in it. His job was entirely something within Orin’s power to fix. And no one else’s opinion on who Orin might be attracted to matter but his own. These problems might seem huge but Orin took a step back from them and looked at them more objectively. Orin could always find a new job here in Syliras. He was a good enough cook, even if he wasn’t exactly well known, that most of the better eateries in Syliras would jump at the chance to have Orin work for them. The only problem was that The Rearing Stallion was probably the best tavern in the citadel. Then, Orin had an incredible uncharitable thought. The Rearing Stallion was only as good as it was now because Orin was working there. If Orin relocated somewhere else in Syliras, while he might not bring patrons and customers with him, he’d bring his skills. And once word got out about how good the food was at Orin’s potentially new place, people would flock to it. And Orin might even begin to make a name for himself among the citizens of Syliras. While that wasn’t necessarily something Orin wanted for himself, he wouldn’t deny that it would feel good to fling his newfound fame and glory at Rondo. And if Orin wanted to travel, all it would take would be time and a bit of scrimping and saving. All of which Orin certainly could do, and which alleviated Orin’s misgivings about his current employment. Just the thought that Orin could leave any time he wanted and be fine was definitely enough to lift Orin’s spirits. Orin didn’t need The Rearing Stallion anymore. He’d outgrown it, as it were. And now he was staying there out a sense of convenience.

With one major problem corrected, at least for the moment, Orin turned his mind to unraveling the knot he’d made of his personal life. It was much more complicated to work through. Orin had done everything in his power to close himself off from emotional pain. That didn’t prevent it entirely, as evidenced by the whole host of scars on his soul that Orin pointedly ignored and never let see the light of day. However, they’d piled up to the point where Orin’s current methods of dealing with them were no longer working. If Orin couldn’t pretend they didn’t exist any more, he’d have to confront them fully and completely before they consumed him. And most of them all came back to Orin’s seeming inability to love. After considering it for a moment though, Orin shook his head. Orin actually thought his problem might be just the opposite. Orin might actual have too much of a capacity to love and care for others and forgive them their mistakes. In order to protect himself from that, Orin had been forced to sever that part of himself completely from the rest, or else it would’ve overwhelmed him when life repeatedly dumped on Orin. But, as evidenced by his feelings for Sylvette and Crest, Orin simply couldn’t be deficient in his ability to express tenderness. Otherwise Orin wouldn’t fear the pain that losing a loved one brought, but simply look upon it as a simple fact of life. It would be ironic if all this time Orin had been afraid of something when the complete opposite was actually true. Mostly, though, it would be sad. And would still leave Orin with a major burden to bear.

Then, Orin remembered something. He’d be training himself to work through and move on from pain, fear, and anger. Although it had been in the context of fighting and combat, presumably the same techniques would carry over into more mundane usages. And if Orin could get through a day using them, then he could get through the one after that. Of course, right now Orin realized that he didn’t actually have anything to be afraid of. All the dangers were a long way off. And at that point Orin discovered something very important. It wasn’t wasn’t worth worrying about some far-off and completely potential disaster when one could be enjoying the joys of the moment. And Orin didn’t have any evidence that all this, opening himself up to the idea of love, would actually end in heartbreak. It had destroyed his father, true, but Orin was not his father. He’d spent nearly his whole life striving to be as different a person as possible, and Orin felt he’d done a pretty good job so far. So Orin would take the time to make the most of what he’d been given. Such as the mist that was finally lifting in strands of white and revealing the glorious dawn it had been concealing. Orin bowed his head and smiled. ”As always, thanks and gratitude for lending us another day Syna and bringing us through another night Leth. May you enjoy this time together.” Orin doubted his prayer would do much to change the god and goddess’ life, but it probably didn’t hurt.

And that was when Orin realized that there were other people he should be modeling his ideas of romance off of. Although calling divine beings people probably wasn’t accurate. But Syna and Leth stuck together despite so many of the roadblocks and barriers thrown at them and transcended it all. They took what little time together they had and made it beautiful. And Orin knew of another goddess who never let her love for another bring her down. If anything, it strengthened her. In her long life Priskil had dealt with more suffering than any being should have to. Instead of letting her woes break her, she’d taken them and reforged herself for the new world, guarding her fallen husband against all the enemies that rose against him. It was a testament to her inner strength. Right then and there, on the docks by the sea that had taken away Orin’s newfound lover and under the sun that promised a bright new day, Orin resolved to be more like Priskil. To take the pain and fashion it into just one more piece of armor. To stick to what he believed in and by those he cared for. And to never, not even for an instant, give up hope. After all, when one gave up hope, there was nothing left. And Orin had always been too stubborn for his own good.

[Sayana]

Orin Skills: Skill EXP Philosophy +3 Endurance +3 Planning +2 Prayer +1 Lores: Sylvette: Like a little sister Relationships: Love is about being connected to a person, not gender Planning: Balancing desire to travel and personal responsibilities Inability to love versus too much ability to love Planning: Moving up in the world as a professional chef Endurance: Enduring the loss that comes with love Syna and Leth: Example of a loving relationship Priskil: Endured pain and loss but didn't give up hope Comments : Beautiful thread. It was lovely to listen to Orin’s deepest and most intimate thoughts. Definitely a lot of character development there and I awarded endurance for all the emotional aspects he's endured and went over in the thread. It was challenging to grade but well worth the read. Don't forget to edit/delete your grade request in the grade request thread. However, make sure to keep the link so that the DS can review graded threads with ease. If you have any questions or concerns about your grade please feel free to send me a message (like really, I’m all ears if you feel like I missed something). Enjoy.