“Sometimes that is the easier way,” Taurina admitted despite herself, “to watch and do one after the other so the muscles learn the right way, and if things are wrong there is one there to show how to change so that things are done correct. I am just… a tad stubborn.”
The Ethaefal gave a look of guilt with an uncomfortable smile. She hated to admit to her faults, but knew somewhere within her that the Kelvic would no doubt find out sooner or later anyway. She had a feeling the Kelvic would find out a great deal more about her than anyone before. That scared her, a lot, but it also excited her. To have someone that would grow so close to her, who could read her every move and emotion, was thrilling.. in a way and terrifying in another.
“You can come watch, whatever skin you want,” Taurina assured, feeling that burning curiosity seeping into her own soul from her bondmate, “no painful burning required.”
Taurina’s lips tilted into a less uncomfortable and more amused smile as she looked Alekxandra now. There was a little sparkle in her eyes, a bit of playfulness to counteract the heavy emotions of before. She knew full well that her bondmate could not get windmarks as things were now. The woman was not bonded to a strider, horses in general were far too jumpy around her as things currently stood. Yet, the fact that she felt the need to state how much she did not wish to go through the process of gaining them struck a bit of a humorous chord in the Eth. There was also a sadness there, however, buried down. Taurina tried hard not to focus on it to keep it from seeping in through the bond.
“Not now anyway, maybe someday,” Taurina added far quieter, failing at keeping all of her emotions concealed.
As the fog of silence fell, the Eth stared at the flames of the tiny fire. Her mind was lost, distant. Thinking all the thoughts that threatened to consume her. Before her were the pieces of her life, fragments put together in a pattern that did not quite match but was not completely shapeless. She told Alekxandra her story and then came her bondmate’s answer. Words of understanding came after that. Understanding and the attempt to comfort. Taurina’s thoughts drifted between wondering if Alekxandra was right and thinking that she could not possibly be. Was something lost truly lost forever? Was there no way to recover the pieces of the past?
Somewhere within her Taurina know that her bondmate was right. Even if her memory of her past life was fully intact, perfectly clear, the pieces of that life were long gone. The souls who had surely been so important and close to her in that life had likely long been claimed by the grasses. Turned to striders or entered back through the life cycle, whomever they were was not who they were now. A part of Taurina knew she should let the wish to know go. She should move on, live the life she had to live now. She would never again be that person she once was. That person was lost forever. Her choice was to embrace the person she was now or continue in this pursuit of a fantasy.
“You make it sound so easy,” the Ethaefal’s voice was breathy, distant, as if not all of her was really there, “to just accept that this is the way things are now. That this is who I have to be now, no choice. Let go of this… need to know. To want to know all that I was, who I can never be again.”
Taurina let out a long sigh, turning her attention away from the growing flames so that her caramel gaze might fix on Alekxandra’s pale face where that confident smile was splayed across her face. There was a trouble look in the Eth’s eyes, the weight of her haunted soul pressing into the bond. She did not share the Kelvic’s confidence in this matter. It was so hard to let go. To stop wanting to search for those memories. So much of her for so long had thought knowing would make everything so much easier. Just knowing would lift this weight from her. A part of her doubted knowing would change anything, but she had always refused to acknowledge that part of her. Continue chasing. Continue pining for something that will likely never be.
“You two see something even I struggle to see,” Taurina admitted, “this sameness you speak of… I know my soul is the same, my mind is the same, but I so often find myself stuck with how things appear. The brokenness of this body, the perfection of my other… I wish I relied on scent. I wish I could see what you see.”
There was another sigh before the Eth shook her head ever so slightly. She had drug things down to a place they did not need to be. This heaviness was not something Alekxandra needed in her life, at least not today. Maybe when they were closer, when they had reached a level of friendship where everything was open and revealed. Taurina had never had a friend like that. A relationship like that. Maybe this was going to be that for her. Maybe this bond was exactly what she needed. Maybe.. maybe not. Only time would tell.
“You are not really saying the words,” Taurina moved on, trying to shake some of the weight from her heart, “emotion, feeling conveyed through sign. There is some words, but they carry more meaning than words told verbally. I admit that it takes some getting used to, but once you get the hang of it… a whole new side of the world is opened up. Everything carries new meaning and is felt so much more than before.”
There was a smile lighter then before flashed as the redness of the Kelvic’s cheeks was seen. Taurina held in a chuckle as she watched Alekxandra move to poking at the meat. The caramel gaze watched her bondmate for a moment before she looked over to check on Starfire. The stallion was still near, but at a safe distance away from the predatory Kelvic. The Eth found herself wondering if they would ever truly get along. If they could bridge their differences somehow through their mutual bond to her. If they continued on this path things would never be easy, but if they got used to each other it could work. Everything would fall into place. Taurina hoped for that. She hoped for all their sakes that differences would be bridged.
“Is there another way to cook meat other than over a fire?” Taurina asked, her attention being drawn once more back to Alekxandra, “It had to be cooked enough and prepared to last for the travel.”
Taurina gave a bit of a shrug, not knowing hardly anything about food preparation. Her own cheeks flushed with a bit of embarrassment as she thought about that. She needed to change her ways, learn more, become an actual help to her pavilion.
“They do, I was unbonded when I first started working at the Lilacwind pavilion,” Taurina answered, knowing that bonded and having windmarks were not necessarily the same thing, “some are distrusting of outsiders, but not all. Help and usefulness are always desired, you just have to find the right pavilion to employ you.”
The Ethaefal’s gaze dropped to Alekxandra’s hands. She watched the way they moved, how the woman picked up her knife and twirled it three times in her hand. The meat was held by the other, herbs near. Taurina had only vaguely heard what she said about the herbs being different and had not known enough about them to give any sort of help. The Eth had let those who knew better on the cooking do it, putting out rather tough to eat meals herself for the family from simple lack of knowing. She cringed at the thought, hatred for her lack of knowledge seeping into the bond.
“Teach me… all that you can,” was Taurina’s answer, “I am so unknowing that I need all that I can get. Start from… well the beginning I guess. No better place to start.”
Common | Pavi | 'Thoughts'
