by Nex Paciscor on September 15th, 2011, 3:54 am
My heart is shattered, and I am the cause of it.
My bones should be broken, for I deserve it.
My anguish should be unlimited for its the least that should be done.
Please, close your eyes and look away for this is my eternal shame to bear.
My girlfriend of 11 months has just broken up with me, and I deserve it. I deserve much worse, and in the coming days I expect to be ridiculed, hated, avoided, and left to rot in my loneliness for it is only right. F*** that self deprecating garbage, I guess what I'm really trying to say, is that not to long ago I did something I sword I'd never do to a girl, since I have too felt its sting many a time. I cheated.. There I said it, its out in the open, to be seen and criticized for it truly was a A-hole thing to do. Here I had for once a girl that truly loved me for who I am, and for some odd reason I got it into my head and thought that wasn't enough and started flirting with another girl, and saying the very same things to her as I said to my own girlfriend. I should have listened to my trusted friend's advice, one of my inner circle here on Mizahar. I should have, but I'm a stubborn A-hole and I didn't. I didn't, and now I have lost the one girl in my life that truly loved me, and that I believe I truly loved back forever, and for good. The disappointment of my family and friends will soon become apparent in the coming days I know. If I don't speak it isn't because I do not have a mouth, it is because I have immersed myself in the world inside my mind, contenting to do what I enjoy which is writing with the lovely writers of mizahar who's presence I probably don't deserve to be in I would say if once again it didn't sound so self centered in my ears. Always focusing on myself it seems, and thats why I got myself into this mess. I shall reap what I sow though, no more lies, betrayal or confusion. From here on out, I will stand fast and deal with the waves of torment that even now face me. I am writing this for a measure of comfort, for a measure to never forget what happened on this day, for a measure for every one to know me just a little bit more, for I shall hold no masks any longer. This is not a angry rant, this is not a spiraling self depressing article you should be worried about. This is my selfish way of exorcising the pain temporarily so I can either get to sleep or posting, whichever comes first. I aim not to appear crazy, or anything or unstable. Just trying times are upon my 19 year old life, and I look, search, want earnestly for forgiveness that shall not come for a long, long, long time I suspect.
-Goodnight my friends. I will be back to posting tomorrow as I normally do as I should have quite a bit of free time.
-P.S. Please don't think I'm crazy. I am actually quite self controlled, and keep what goes on the inside quite hidden.