(This is a thread from Mizahar's fantasy role playing forums. Why don't you register today? This message is not shown when you are logged in. Come roleplay with us, it's fun!)
The player scrapbooks forum is literally a place for writers to warm-up, brainstorm, keep little scraps of notes, or just post things to encourage themselves and each other. Each player can feel free to create their own thread - one per account - and use them accordingly.
Well then, this was just wonderful. I ended up staying awake until late last night, partly because of a nice chat ( I'm blaming you, Fois! ) and partly because I was trying to sleep on a couch that isn't designed for it - the wretched thing has more curves than I do. So after watching strange documentaries on TV, patting a cuddly/playful cat and trying to sleep, I was expecting to sleep pretty long.
But nooo... Heck no. When my sister got back from work at 7.30 am, I had been up for about an hour, let out the cat, checked my mail and was preparing breakfast at best. I've never been one to get up early, and in all honesty it feels slightly unnatural - almost unhealthy - to wake up before 9 am.
So, now that I've done the dishes from the other day, the one I really should have taken care of yesterday, I have to try and find some other way to amuse myself. Little sister is sleeping with the TV on full volume and a fan going, but I still don't want to make a ruckus and wake her.
I'll go ahead and show some pictures of my beautiful home town instead ^^ These are ones I found on the net, so I won't take any credit for neither composition nor quality...
An overview of the most of the town. It's not very big, but very beautiful. There's greenery everywhere, and we've got three lakes within the town boundaries, three mountains practically on the back yard and a large river, Dalälven, only a couple of kilometers away. Lots of water...
A small theater driven by the amateur theatrical society of Humus ... I was actually in a play there once when I was a kid.. I was terrified, I always hated standing on a stage xD 'Saga' means 'fairy tale', 'story'.. kind of.
The town center up close.. It's really only one street, that can be pretty busy at times. Most days it's just dead though.. I think it just rained.. :3
The Mayoral building, situated in the older part of town.. which is old. The city has been around since the 14th century, and was founded, legends and history tells, by Gustav Vasa... Should be a name people would know even outside of home ^^
A really pretty view from one of the smaller mountains that surrounds the place. Pretty old I think, some buildings aren't standing where they should..
It's a mysterious feeling, the one I have now. I wonder what it is called?
It's like I've been sitting in a dark room surrounded by dust and old fabrics, where the furniture could use some tender loving care and the floor is littered with garbage. Heavy curtains hang in front of windows where the glass is black and unable to see through. The tapestry is peeling off the walls and the roof has been damaged by a water leak that is slowly getting out of control. Unknown things crawls beneath the bed, and even though I know how to get out, it's like my feet has been chained down and I can't get up and walk away. I've gotten so used to the gloom, too the flickering dim light bulb that hangs from the crackling roof... I'm not even sure I want to leave it anymore.
Loathing is a feeling you can get used to, whether it is about yourself or the place you live in.
And now suddenly someone has stepped in through that rickety door that never opened before, calm and confident as if they had never done anything else. They brought something new along with them, and I feel horrified as they smile and step further inside. They mustn't dirty themselves... They are stepping so confidently across the floor and doesn't seem to care that I shout, no plead for them to 'Watch out for the trash!'. Maybe they can't hear me, or they choose not to see. I find myself struggling to get out of the chains, because I can't let them see me like this, I cant stand the thought of being exposed in my grimy ramshackle room. Nothing in here is worth being seen, and for such a person to expose themselves to it is just wrong.
They are worth more than this.
Now they move past me where I lie, and as if by an afterthought they reach out a hand and brush it over my cheek. The touch burns my skin and I can feel the warmth from the fingers; I become still in shock and wonder, staring helplessly at the faint smile they wear. Is it cruelty that makes them smile like that and then toy with me? Can someone without cruelty in their heart return my stare with a smile like that, so warm and bright that it blinds me and forces me to look away... I can only protest vaguely as they continue forward, towards the window that has never been opened. 'You really shouldn't do that' I say, unable to hide the faint hope that lingers in my voice; my cheeks heat up slowly and in shame I bow my head, away from them.
'You won't like what you will see..'
I hear a soft laughter echo in the emptiness of the room, and as if in slow motion I see them reach for the curtains. With a snap they are pulled apart, revealing the dirty windows where no light is shining through; a cloud of dust stirs up in the air and they cough as the dust finds its way down their throat. 'Better stop there' I say, pleading now as my eyes follow them in fear and concern. The wish to keep them safe is stronger than the need to hide myself now, and if I only could I would make them turn around and leave again I would... even if I would wither away from the loss of their presence. From nowhere they came, and now they suddenly make up my whole world.
'Better stop before it's too late. You can still turn around..'
They don't seem to hear. It is with the heart stuck in my throat that I watch as they search for the hatch that keeps the window closed; rusted long ago, it is hard to find and even harder to open. But they seem persistent, and I physically flinch as they begin to pry it open. My arms reach up to cover my head, in horror and fear of something unknown I hide my face and close my eyes, listening to the sound of screaming metal.
I can feel them. I know they are there, but I'm not sure what their purpose is. I know I could live without them, but that I would live better if they were to stay. I know that it might be possible to clean out the room, but the dirty, broken things that litters every open space will be revealed in all their pathetic worthlessness, and I'm not sure if that person can take it, seeing it all. I can't stop them from doing what they want, I just pray for them to have the strength to stay even after they have broken up that window.
If they were to see it all and leave, I might not have the courage to let anyone inside ever again.
A sharp snap makes me flinch where I sit and without opening my eyes I turn my head towards him. Hinges creak as he slowly pushes the window open, and through the crack something almost tangible reaches in, spreads through the room and touches my eyelids; it is so warm, so bright...
I came to think about something that made me smile. Wanna know what it is?
I actually enjoy being alive.
It can be tough at times and there comes points all too often when I start to question the point with all of it. Sometimes it feels like it couldn't matter less whether I'm around or not.. you get the feeling. I'm sure most people have it from time to time.
Then I suddenly understand that if it wasn't for those dark moments, you'd never realize when you're feeling happy and at ease with life and the things within it. Unless you're not sad you can't be happy, and you will never be more beautiful than you are right now. It's a breath-taking realization, and it gets even more wonderful because it should have been so obvious...
I also came to think of something that happened in school this winter. The photography students were assigned a task of making a music video using stop motion pictures, and I remember how much trouble they had with it, and how they complained about the results. When they were done, some of us went to have a look.. First, let me just say that they were awesomely good, all of them. Sure, some were better than others but I'm positive that I couldn't have made it better.
I especially remember one that stuck with me, both because of the representation and also because of the song they used. It was 'True Colors' sung by Ane Brun.. and as the video, they painted the face and hands of one of the girls in the class with colors in all shades of the rainbow plus glitter and silver. It was really beautiful, and I had to watch it twice justs to confirm how much I liked it ^^
Sadly I won't be able to show you that particular video, but I can play the song. So I will. Because you can't stop me.
Take care, and remember that "At night, a candle is brighter than the sun." 'Englishman in New York, Sting'
Today, life is not quite as enjoyable as it was yesterday. The cat-sitting/house-watching days are over, and unfortunately that means I've got to go home again. In fact, I am home right now, along with my mother and little sister, and that means that hell once again has broken loose.
It could have been better. Sister could have at least tried to keep her mood in check, mother could have been attentive enough to understand when she's not in the mood for pleasant chatting. Both of them could have been mature enough to just suck it up and endure... But no. Ten minutes after we leave for home sisters temper have snapped, mom's in tears saying that 'she didn't really want to come home at all' and I'm just sitting there hoping that we could go a bit faster so I can hide away again.
Is it wrong to feel contempt for your mother? Is it a bad thing to wish that a giant comet could just strike from nowhere and erase this house? Is it really too much to ask to get to be happy and at peace for more than five minutes at a time?
If no, then I must be a horrible person.
The worst part is probably that I'm so used to all of it that I don't even care anymore. I've shut off for the most part, I've stopped trying to mediate and I just pretend that I don't care either way. I close myself in on my room and stick to either books or the computer... And that if course immediately becomes another source of tears and complaints from mother, because 'I hate to see you lying there and wasting your life. You can't just let yourself waste away like this, you've got to go out and live'...
Yeah right. As if that's possible when there's no money, no jobs and no people that I'm even remotely comfortable being around. Me taking off to school at the end of the month will be the most 'living' I get to do at this point, and honestly I can't wait. I'm so fucking sick and tired of this place that I can't begin to describe it, and if I had any chance at all I'd just take off and don't come back.
Notice how I avoid mentioning anything about me being sad and tired? Yeah, it's because I've passed the point of tears a long time ago. Tired is a constant state, something I've been feeling chronically for the past ten years or so. I wrote something about a dark room filled with litter all over the place? That's my life, and if I just take a quick look at reality, there's no saviors to be found anywhere. It might be my fault for being sensitive or weak, but I seriously doubt it. This pigsty would make anyone bitter, and I also doubt that many people would even consider this a home.
And while it feels good to complain about all of this, it doesn't make anything better at all. I'm still flinching from each and every sound from outside, I still hold my breath whenever someone's coming down the stairs, I dread going up to eat dinner because I know what it will be like to eat... There are limits to what a single person can endure, and I've gone past those a while ago. Save me? Please?
And now I'm going to apologize for the venom. Hope I didn't make you too depressed...
Lets blow off some steam, shall we? Lyrics in english are included, for your convenience...
Whoever knows pain becomes criticized from the fire that burned up the skin I throw a light in my face a hot cry open fire!
Bang bang
Whoever knows pain is raised from the fire that burns in desire a hard thrust (that gives off sparks) into her womb a hot cry open fire!
Bang bang open fire!
Whoever knows pain is dangerous from the fire that burns the soul bang bang the burned child is dangerous with fire that separates from the life a hot cry bang bang open fire!
Your happiness is not my happiness it is my misery
hmm... Feels like I should write something, but nothing really comes to mind. It's just that same old itching of the fingers, paired with the simple fact that I've got nothing to do. It's the reason why I have eleven threads going and still ask for more, even though common sense tells me that it would be a good idea to slow down. It's why I'm already planning the future of my character, without really giving a thought to the fact that she might not want to leave home. I say, she's got no choice. I want her to get out into the world, and I'll have her leave and get adventurous whether she likes it or not.
Is this how gods feel? This smug, sneering sensation, this knowledge that even if the character protests they can't actually do anything to keep you from toying with their lives and emotions. It must be awesome, being a god.. Cuz I'm feeling awesome. xD
I said sometime before that I was going to take some pictures of myself and upload them here, right? Well, that ain't gonna happen in a while, so there's nothing to wait around for. Seems like my sisters digital camera has broken down for the last time, and since she's never home and she refuses to lend me her system camera, I've got nothing to shoot a picture with. Awesome, isn't it? I don't have to try and make a pretty face, I don't have to get stomach ache because the damn photo didn't turn out as good as I wanted it. Yipee!
On the other hand, it also means that I can't capture our kittens and force them to pose for me, so you won't be seeing them either. That is kinda sad, because they are little furry bundles of cute... and they are black. We've never actually had black cats before, only silver tabby ones - and one time we had a cat that had this pale cream/white/toffee color, all fuzzy and long haired and sweet. She had two litters of kittens that looked just like her, and they sold like butter in sunshine. This time though, they are black, and we can't seem to look at them enough. :3 Furrballs..
So, to the music of the day... I'm actually not sure what I should be playing. I've listened to Shinedown most of the day, which makes me prone to give you one of their songs. The question is which... They have so many good ones. Lemme see..
Well, since I can't decide you'll get three of my favorites for now. Might spam with more later, if I feel like it.. Enjoy.
I think the hardest part of roleplaying is the actual practical knowledge of things. It's one thing to say that your character can wield a sword and is capable of defeating five opponents at one - which for that matter seems a bit improbably to me - and a different matter entirely when you stand there and need to actually describe what you're doing, to save your ass from monsters/robbers/villains/the-drunkard-that-was-insulted-by-your-witty-tongue. It takes a good amount of reading and understanding to not only know what to do but also do it in an interesting way that makes it easy for others to understand and possible to react. I've always been a fan of details and I often considered myself as slightly more up-to-date than the people I used to write with, because I actually took my time to describe what the weather was like, how you cooked the meal and how it could be that the knees of the pants were shredded and stained with blood.
Coming to Mizahar, thus, has proven to be both amazing and daunting.
Amazing, because now I actually have people around me who will help creating a feel for where the people we write about are, how they look, what they see and how their minds work. It's awesome, it inspires me to write even more detailed stories, give elaborate and perhaps even poetic descriptions of scenery, mood and climate; all those things you get in the books that give you the proper feel for whats going on. I no longer feel like I need to hold myself back or cut down on word length or elaboration to fit the level of other writers.
Then again, I've never felt so lacking in my actual knowledge of the world either. I'm just your average 20 year old girl; while I do know how to ride a horse and fire an arrow in a straight line, I have no idea what it's like to punch someone in the face, I've never held a sword, I've never gone anywhere that demands more than a few hours of travel with either car, train or boat. I have camped outside so I do know that it can be cold and uncomfortable, but the prospect of living in a tent for weeks and months on end, always unsure of whether I'm going in the right direction, if I'll have something to eat before sleeping or whether I'll survive the next encounter with animals/monsters/travelers.. it's just hard to picture. 'Scary' is a good word for it, but I feel that it doesn't come even close to what it actually would be like.
I'm fighting an almost desperate need to read up on everything. I've been searching the net for sword stances and descriptions of combat, I've been reading up on camping and hunting, I think I need to find something that deals with cleaning and gutting fish, I find myself trying to work out a suitable budget for my character in case of travel, and I've come to realize that I can't afford to let her have more than one Talon Sword, not unless I want her to starve on her way... Imagine my expression then, when I realized that she might get to her destination in one piece (with a big, huge 'might' in red font, bold and cursive) but that she won't have enough money left to get as safely back home again. Gods, I'd hate to travel under conditions like those.
Adding to that, once again. My character is only 14 years old. Imagine yourself at 14.. what was you like then? The ego. Your actual skills when it came to things. Your level of organization. Your strength and understanding of the world around you. Yeah. Take that 14 year old person, crush all the illusions of your own worth and place in the world, add a bit of hot temper and reduce height to 4'6'' in height. Then toss the same teenager out into the Unforgiving at autumn, with the intent of reaching Alvadas before winter kicks in for real.
Maybe I'm doing too much? It's not actually realistic to think that she would get to her destination alive, in one piece and prepared to keep going. She'd need divine interventions, some seriously good luck and perhaps a few friendly travelers to depend on. I'm horrified and excited and I can't wait to get her going, I just want to say that I suddenly realize the magnitude of what I'm about to do to her. This little adventure of mine will probably take a full IRL year to accomplish, which is overwhelming. I can't even picture my own life in a year, so how can I have any plans at all when it comes to hers?
I'm still going through with it though. It can take time; it'd be wonderful to realize that I've actually started and finished something that took so long to accomplish. A feather in the hat, so to speak, not to mention the fact that it'd mean that my jinx when it comes to roleplay sites has been overcome. So far I've had bad luck; either the site went inactive a few weeks after I joined, or the staff weren't active enough to make it flow smoothly, or the people were narrow-minded or too strange for comfort. I'm placing some serious hope in Mizahar this time; I really, really hope that the coincidence that made me look for some serious entertainment will prove to have been more like divine intervention. So far it seems good, but.. *knocks on wood* Better take it with a pinch of salt until I become completely sure...
So, for the moment I shall try to work up the skills of my character a bit, so she'll be able to do some slightly more practical things - like actually hunting food, fishing and start a fire - and then I'll try to finish up some threads so I can start new ones with better conscience.. xD It's good and well to plan ahead, but history needs to be given some time to catch up from time to time too...
Here's finally what you've been waiting for (it's like that, isn't it. No one's actually checking in to read my rantings, you just want the music xD) Since I've been ranting of leveling up and skills and so on, I'll give you something that kinda fits into the theme. I like unity like that, like red threads that flow nicely... and I'll stop now. I'm chatty today it seems.. Enjoy!!
see, I told you that this thing would end up forgotten sooner or later. Well, not entirely forgotten since I'm obviously writing in it now, but you know what I mean. From posting three times a day to forgetting it for three days, my irrationality knows no boundaries.
And to top it off, I'm gonna fill this post with complaints. About myself. Feel free to skip the rest from here on, you can jump right to the ending song if you want. It's only really for my own selfish amusement that I write this... Here goes.
I feel a wee bit addicted to writing at the moment. A moment that has lasted for about a month now - has it really been a month since I joined this place? Incredible.. While the writing in itself isn't a problem, the increasing number of threads are. I'm nearing the double digits in thread-count, I constantly crave for more, my mind goes loopey whenever I can't write or reply.... And yet I still get stuck in places, unable to really form this surging wave of ideas and impressions into something tangible that will suffice to post as a reply. I don't know if it's a case of inspiration overload or if I'm just overexerting myself and my ability to keep up with things. Sometimes it feels like everything is just too damn slow, that I want to have faster responses and a quicker development of things.. to be precise, of my plot ideas.
Then I get a bit annoyed over myself, when I realize that I've spent all my day staring at the screen, waiting for something to happen and flipping back and forth between posts, lore and other interesting things. Maybe it wouldn't feel so slow if I actually stepped away from the damn computer and did something else for a change. Just because I don't have a real life outside Mizahar I can't expect others to be that way.
Now I went ahead and posted a Journal for Rista, because Ideas were burning in my head and the fingers were itching. Now I'm writing to update this little thing here, I've got two threads waiting for replies, a flashback training thread that could be written on... how come I feel like I have nothing to do? It's just not true.
I really should try to write something more positive for a while. It's been very glum and depressed lately... Note to self; Cheer up!
It's not fair! I was finally having an awesome Mizahar dream, with superior plotting and a strange curse just about to be placed on Rista, and then the stupid neighbor kids decided that it was a good idea to wake up the entire neighborhood by jumping their petching trampoline and playing some bad music. Gods, I hope they move away soon so that I can dream in peace
Whoever it was that was talking right before I woke up, he sounded strangely patronizing.. Something like, after he made Rista actually cry in despair, he was all "There, there, little girl, it's not as bad as it looks, and it can actually be used in a good way too; you never know when you'll have use for it..." or something like that. I'm sure he was a god that was about to place a bad gnosis on her, but I've no idea who or why.. There was something about a white horse and be keeping that too, but I blame that part on Game of Thrones, since I watched the first episode before I went to bed.
I didn't want to wake up, let me just say that. It wasn't a nightmare, more comical, and the fact that Rista actually began to cry.. While Lariat has made her do that too, that's still only in a dream - her dream, not mine - and I'd really like to see the person who manages to push her that far when she's awake.
You hear me all? It's a challenge! I'll give something nice to whoever manages to make Rista cry in a thread where she's fully awake.
I'm completely serious. I'll make a nice photo-manipulation for your char, current or new, to the first one who manages. Any one interested? Sign up below, or send me a PM so that we can try and plot a thread..
And that is the mood I'm currently in xD Poor, poor Rista.. how I love to torture her. *snickers*
Eeh, he didn't actually try to do it, now did he, Marlow? Still, Ma'ii must be pretty impressive if he can scare a girl to tears just by talking. It'll be interesting to have him and Rista meet someday.. ^^
_____________________
And to ease all eventual confusion, I made myself a new char! yay for me, lets hope I can be as active with Vileia as I am with Rista so far. I've posted her CS and I'm waiting to see if a liaison will pop by to tell me that I've missed something. If not, then I'll take it as a sign and go ahead and post! hurray for me, now I'm getting even more things to do. xD
Today has been rather slow, not a lot of things happening. Tomorrow I'm going on a date with my sisters; game and movie night, including Sushi, Snacks and Some Random Talking. We've been talking about it for over a year, and now that we're finally getting together, it seems that all of us are broke. Sad, isn't it? Still, it'll be fun to have a while for ourselves, without married halfs, mothers, kids or other people around. Just the four of us, to talk, rip each others hair or whatever grown sisters do when they meet.
I'm officially in love with Vilea's pictures! The horse is a manip I got from an awesome artist when we were at the same horse RP site, called Isilme.. The human is one I whipped together today. I'm not entirely sure that I like the top of the hair, but since it's considerably better than to have her chopped off along with the hairline.. it'll have to do.
Are you convinced that it's me yet? Can anyone ramble on and on like this and not be me? Didn't think so. If only to further prove myself to be who I am, your one and only Chan, I'll go ahead and post a silly video with a silly song.. Because I'm on a silly overload now that Fois is on a two week holiday.. Shame on you, to leave me alone like this!!
Anyway, Enjoy!!
(and yes, fyi I love anime and manga, and I've read almost all of the series which contains these characters. It's why it's hilarious.. xD)
Far away, Long ago. Things I yern to remember... Rista | Mikkeyla
) and partly because I was trying to sleep on a couch that isn't designed for it - the wretched thing has more curves than I do. So after watching strange documentaries on TV, patting a cuddly/playful cat and trying to sleep, I was expecting to sleep pretty long. 
An overview of the most of the town. It's not very big, but very beautiful. There's greenery everywhere, and we've got three lakes within the town boundaries, three mountains practically on the back yard and a large river, Dalälven, only a couple of kilometers away. Lots of water...
I'm chatty today it seems.. Enjoy!! 
