[Rista's Scrapbook] That wasn't meant to be

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The player scrapbooks forum is literally a place for writers to warm-up, brainstorm, keep little scraps of notes, or just post things to encourage themselves and each other. Each player can feel free to create their own thread - one per account - and use them accordingly.

[Rista's Scrapbook] That wasn't meant to be

Postby Rista on August 13th, 2011, 11:12 pm

hello..

I'm back after meeting with my sisters. It's been a wonderful evening, we made and ate lots of sushi, watched a movie; 'Wizards apprentice' I believe it's called here, and generally had a good time. It took nearly two hours from the time my eldest sister sat up and commented that it was getting late, to the point where we actually got into the car. Not that I mind. I'd have loved to stay away longer, but one has a young kid and the other was going away tomorrow.. So it didn't exactly leave me with much choice.

I feel kind of strange. We had a long talk about our parents, the conditions me and my younger sister is living under, what it was like for the older ones when their father moved out and my dad moved in.. It's strange to realize that my beloved sisters dislike my father in the same way that I dislike moms current man. I feel sad, and angry, and tired, I feel like getting away and just forget all of the things around me. And at the same time, I dread having to pack and go back to school, even though I long to get away. I'm a mess, it feels like I'm just walking around, waiting for the next disaster to strike. There's been so much going on this year, and the year before, and I can't seem to relax completely. I'm holding my breath all the time, just waiting for people to shout at me to get a grip and get a life, tell me that I'm not worth shit and that there's nothing out there that will make things better. Or maybe I'm already shouting at myself..

I hate screwing things up. I fear that feeling of hot, heavy embarrassment when I do something wrong, I hate when I'm not careful enough with what I do and go beyond what is considered good and polite and okay. I hate the thought of people being angry at me too, and I can't stand the thought of someone holding a grudge against me. It's happened, I lost a lot of close friends some years ago and I still haven't gotten over it; I wonder if I ever will. The things they said, the things I said, the things we did.. Ah, it breaks my heart to think about it.

I fear pain. I always have. Whenever I get hurt, mentally or physically, its like I go numb; all my strength is drained and I just sit there, unable to think or talk or do anything but feel. It's probably why I dislike others anger so much. I almost always automatically like other people, I smile and open up and let them in, not hesitating the slightest to share my life story and everything I have with them. If they then get angry or discontent, it's like someone slaps me. If they get angry then they must be discontent, if they're discontent there must be something I didn't do, or did wrong, or didn't do good enough. I just want people around me to be happy and content...

Bah. Of course I know that people can't be happy all the time. It sounds so selfish and stupid to think that people would be happy just because I'm happy. It's probably naive too, to be so trusting. I just don't know how to be something between overjoyed and silly and happy, and just don't give a shit. I suppose there has to be something like reserved friendliness, but I've never understood it. Aren't you supposed to share your entire self with a person you like? Or was that kind of thing reserved for that beloved true half?

I don't know. I feel like I don't know anything, I just have these random mood swings and an ache in my chest that make me feel like crying. Is it pain, is it longing, is it tiredness or is this how everyone feels? Is it normal to have this heavy, engulfing feeling that makes my head hurt from how it makes my thoughts spin without ever reaching a conclusion about anything? I wish I at least knew for sure what this feeling was, so I could do something about it. All I want is to be happy and be around other happy people.. but it doesn't seem like I can manage both at the same time.

Who am I? What am I doing here? Does my being here have a purpose? It won't make a difference if I'm not here, so what is the point? Do you know what happens when someone dies? Nothing. Nothing at all. The people around you will be sad for a while, they will grieve and miss. But then, they will carry on with their lives like they always have. No one will die just because one does, the world won't end and heaven will not turn black and fall down.

I hate existential questions too. I'll never get a satisfactory answer as long as I'm still alive, and I suppose that if I just give up, I'll somehow miss the point.. I don't even mind being alive all that much. I just wish it wouldn't hurt so much. I guess, when it comes down to it, it's just because I'm lonely. Sure I have my family, but when my sister coughs and frowns and glares at be every time I try to talk to her, when my mother smothers herself in a relationship that no one approves of, not even her, and when I feel like I don't know my own father.. when those are the people around me, where am I supposed to go? Playing mom to my own mother, playing ignorant with my sister, playing make-believe with my dad.. I feel like my life after 20 years has become stuck in a dress-up game, where I've lost who I really am behind all these masks. And when I finally manages to peel away all those layers and show someone who I really am.. they leave. Ever single one just takes off. Friend after friend, they all just disappeared. And my family follows..

Who am I supposed to really trust? Is there someone out there that will see the the real me and not leave? Somehow it feels like I've stopped believing. There will be no treasure at the end of the rainbow, the steep hill isn't going to end, and when I get to the top, it's just gonna turn out that I've only just begun the climb.

Hey, what do I know. Maybe I'm just nervous about pulling out a wisdom tooth next week. Maybe I'm just tired. It might be that I feel a bit sorry for myself, and that I'm just whining. Can you see the walls rising again? So long was I able to be honest with myself. Now I'm already beginning to doubt again, whether it's okay to post this; it might upset people, it might bore them. Can you hear how I'm beating myself for not being good enough?

I don't feel so good. I want to cry myself to sleep, for no reason at all. I probably won't. Someone might hear, and I don't want to see my mother get all tense and teary as she blames herself for my pain. I don't want to lie and say that it's not her fault. It is. It actually is... I can't point out how. I wouldn't either, because that would push things towards the edge; I would have to say everything if I start, and then I have to act and step out of the door, then walk until I don't see anything. I just don't know where to go. If I did, I'd probably be long gone. I wish I was one to just pack a bag and leave and take all the opportunities the world has to offer. I'm too scared though; too scared to fail and sink lower than she did, scared of pain and hunger and people's opinions..

I hate being scared.

You know what I want? I want to belong somewhere. I'd like to be a part of something real, something tangible and solid. I'd like to pour my everything into something, anything, loose myself in a cause and a task.. I'd like to be able to focus on just one single thing, forgetting everything and everyone else... Maybe that would sate this aching feeling. Maybe it would make me feel genuinely happy, real, alive..

I'm not getting anywhere with this, am I. Lets just stop, its not like it's actually helping to rant like this. Even if the person on the other side of this screen would care about anything I've written, it's not like they'd be able to get here and save me anyway.. They are too occupied with their own lives, as they should be. I'm the one who should be saving myself, from myself. At the very least, it would be nice with a hug.. but we don't really hug in this family. Maybe a little when people come and go, and moms clinging whenever she needs comfort. That's all. That's not helping. She's too close, too involved.

Maybe I just need to get laid. Whoops, am I allowed to write like that here? Don't know. At the moment, I can't make myself feel enough to care. I'm a good kid, playing nicely in someone else's sandbox.. always someone else's sandbox. Did you know that I have one too? It's kind of small and the sand is mixed with cat shit, but you're welcome in anyway. The rules are simple. If you enter, don't leave. No one can leave, ever. If you do, it will hurt and I will feel bad. Feel free to play with my toys, I'll give them to you if you want them. I'll give you anything as long as you don't leave. I hate being alone, so please.. get in and stay, or stay out.

I think I've said this before, but.. I really feel like shit right now.
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[Rista's Scrapbook] That wasn't meant to be

Postby Rista on August 14th, 2011, 4:58 pm

Hello ^^

Sorry for the depressing rant yesterday.. seems like I got a screw loose or something. Perhaps it was moon madness; some people claim that it's harder to sleep when there's a full moon and so on. I don't know. I sure did sit up all night yesterday, talking to nice people about nice things, but I don't feel like blaming it on the moon. I will when I've had it proven beyond doubt that it can affect the sleep patterns of people.

Anyways, just wanted to pop by and say that I'm feeling way better today. I came across an old friend of mine that I haven't spoken to in a year, and we did some catching up.. she did some convincing into joining her rpg site.. I'm so weak when it comes to persuasion. Especially from her, but I think it's a general bad habit I've got. If someone sounds like they really want me to do something and it's not utterly stupid/dangerous/expensive, then I'm bound to fall sooner or later.

I might be a bit stupid for telling you my weaknesses.. xD

I feel like music today, but I can't really come up with anything good to play. My taste in music is somewhat limited.. Oh, now I know. I'll play this one..



Language is Swedish, there are lyrics in both swedish and english.. I like it. This song makes me think of the Dek's for some reason.. ^^
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[Rista's Scrapbook] That wasn't meant to be

Postby Taln on August 14th, 2011, 6:01 pm

"You know what I want? I want to belong somewhere. I'd like to be a part of something real, something tangible and solid. I'd like to pour my everything into something, anything, loose myself in a cause and a task.. I'd like to be able to focus on just one single thing, forgetting everything and everyone else... Maybe that would sate this aching feeling. Maybe it would make me feel genuinely happy, real, alive.. "


Rista, you're on Mizahar. Now you do belong to something real, solid and tangible. A part of something great that lets you explore every part of what it is that makes you important. You'll always be alive here.


That song -is- perfect to describe a dek. You mind if nick it for my CS?
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[Rista's Scrapbook] That wasn't meant to be

Postby Rista on August 14th, 2011, 6:49 pm

Thank you! -hugs- It means a lot to hear you say that. :)

Of course not. Feel free, it's not like I own the song ^^ Glad you like it.
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[Rista's Scrapbook] That wasn't meant to be

Postby Taln on August 14th, 2011, 7:08 pm

-hugs- You're welcome Rista, and you're not alone. We all feel that way at some point; only a few have the courage to actually admit it.
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[Rista's Scrapbook] That wasn't meant to be

Postby Rista on August 16th, 2011, 7:20 pm

Sometimes it takes so little to turn a pissy day into a good one. A comment from someone that came totally unexpected and made you laugh, a show of appreciation when you show up, or just an invitation to be exactly who you are, no matter how crazy/miserable/rollercoastery.. yeah, I know thats not really a word, but it describes me pretty well. Mood swings, ups and downs, pending between utterly silliness and complete seriousness.. You never know what I might be feeling from a moment to the next. I think its bothersome, but lately people have surprised me by saying that they enjoy it.. I think its because they're at least half crazy themselves. In any case, I'm truly grateful.

I can't describe it in words how much I enjoy being here at Mizahar. Not only can I challenge myself and my writing and actually spend time on developing my character without fearing that the site will go under the following month, I can also enjoy both fun and serious conversations with people that are on the same wavelength as myself. The initial enthusiasm I felt when I stumbled, yes, literally stumbled over this place, has yet to die out and I feel like thanking all the amazing people here for that. The staff is amazing in their devotion and seriousness; I've never seen moderators so determined to give both themselves and all others an interesting experience. Even at those times when you find sites with lofty promises of activity and attentiveness, there are constantly things that don't work; either the forum feels messy and crowded or the players keep coming and going, the admins are unpleasant or just not there, and people are all over the place without really accomplishing anything.

That is really not the case here. I see things happening between my updates of the page, people are constantly posting both IC threads and scrapbooks, suggestions and amazingly detailed contributions to the Lore.. I constantly feel humbled by how many skilled writers there are in this place and how much time they put down on research and those small details that give the writing it's depths. You inspire me, every one of you, to try a bit more, get a bit better, so that I truly can say that I belong here.

I am such a newbie when it comes to this place. I'm still trying to grasp all the rules, see the structure of the site, still learning what is okay and what is not. At times I get scared stiff when I'm about to do something, cuz' I wonder whether it's actually alright, am I really supposed to do like this. I readily admit that I'm weak when it comes to authority. If someone has a lot of things to do, a lot of responsibility, I always hesitate about bothering them. Surely they have better things to do than to listen to me, surely I can solve this on my own... I've come to realize that it doesn't work like that. Sure, I can look things up and try to find a solution, but ultimately it seems that I need to learn to ask questions before I go ahead and do something.

Better try to fight that wimpy little sissy who wants to hide under the bed and not be seen and not be heard, and instead straighten my back a bit. I need to start believing that people won't bite my nose off for asking, that people won't think I'm dense for not grasping something right off the bat. Somewhere, at some point, it seems I've gotten the misconception that people expect me to be perfect right away. Or it's me who thinks I have to be flawless, good-natured, pretty, intelligent and overall badass.. It's taken me a while, but it is slowly dawning on me that such a person would be horribly annoying to be around. Perhaps my quirks are a bit good after all... I'm gonna need to think it over, let it sink in for a while.

* * *


When I close my eyes and shut out all the noises around me, I can hear the raindrops fall outside the window. It's slowly turning to night again, another day has passed, and on the other side of these walls, it's raining. I always find myself smiling when I hear that sound, see the silver curtains and breathe in the scent of the moist air. It's as if the world is being washed clean, refreshed and purified by the endlessly falling drops. More than once have I gone out in the middle of the night, feet bare and dressed in nothing but my night-wear, just to feel the rain on my skin and the chill in the air. I shudder just from thinking about it; a shiver of pleasure, from the memory of the feelings that blossom within me at those times. It's like when I stay up all night and get to see the sun rise beyond the line of birches beneath our house, see how the horizon slowly turns into liquid gold and dyes all the world in brightness. Like how in autumn, the setting sun turns the leaves to gold and transforms the pale trunks into pillars of silver, where at any time I could expect some mystical beast come strolling, along the bridge between this world and that. It is in times like these that I feel truly alive, at one with the world around me. As if I was truly apart of it, not separated.

I love when it rains. I love being alive. I love Mizahar. I love the people that linger here and makes this place what it is.

Thank you for letting me be a part of this.



Oh, I love Coyote Ugly too.. If you haven't seen it, please do. It's cute, and sweet, and I don't care that the music is teensy tiny cuddly and so on. I just like it, sometimes more than I like listening to Rammstein or hardcore metal.. I'm not gonna apologize, so just bear with me. I have my moments, we all do.. Take care! :3
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[Rista's Scrapbook] That wasn't meant to be

Postby Taln on August 17th, 2011, 11:53 pm

It's always good to feel welcome. :)

I've seen Coyote Ugly and I like how he says "I want what every guy wants at 3 in the morning--breakfast!" There's some good one liners in it.
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[Rista's Scrapbook] That wasn't meant to be

Postby Rista on August 23rd, 2011, 1:28 am

Image
Mizahar + Magical = True!


It's all I'm gonna say :D

Image
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[Rista's Scrapbook] That wasn't meant to be

Postby Rista on August 27th, 2011, 12:35 am

Monday, I go back to school.
Tuesday I start my classes.
Wednesday might see me smiling happily.
Thursday, things will calm down.
Friday, I might sigh in relief over making it for a first week.
Saturday might greet my family down.
Sunday, calm settles and routines are formed.
A week from now, I will have gotten used to school again.
Two weeks and you will leave, going far away where I won't reach you
Three weeks, and I'll start counting the hours until you get in touch

Come days and months, come changing seasons
I will miss you
I will long for you

Come days and months, come changing seasons
I will wait for you
Until you come home

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[Rista's Scrapbook] That wasn't meant to be

Postby Rista on August 27th, 2011, 1:55 pm

Why is it so hard to get going with the things I should be doing? There's a wide list of things I should do rather than sit by the computer, but I just can't get myself to stand up and go about with it.

I need to

- Unpack some bags
- Repack them with as much clothes I can fit into them
- Clean my room
- Cut out the ribbon I've been weaving so my grandma can get the loom back
- Print tickets for the train and the boat
- Drag out winter clothes and put in boxes for mom to bring down to school when she comes to visit


I can go on forever, it'll never end. I need to be done with most of these things by tomorrow, since I'm leaving on Monday morning.. Gods, I hate being lazy sometimes. It's like my limbs feel numb, as soon as I even think of getting up and doing something purposeful my mind recoils, retreats back down into the pillows and whines something like "I can do it later.. I've got all day tomorrow"..

Yeah, well, I have been saying that for the past three months, and now "Tomorrow" might end up being a tad too late. It's not like anyone else is going to do all these things for me, so I can't understand why I'm not getting to it. I'll be done when I'm done, right? No need to sweat it anymore.

Next question is, why am I hanging around Mizahar even though I don't have any muse for writing? I have threads to reply to, yes, and I will get to them eventually, but there's no use flipping through the forums and wish I could muster some inspiration, is there? I'm addicted, it's the sad truth, and I have a feeling that it's going to be rough once I get back to school... It'll going to be a balance act of lessons, chatting with a loved one and posting at Miz.. Hopefully I'll still have time to spend with some friends, or at least train a bit like I've been hoping to do. At least go swimming once or twice a week, to get somewhat in shape.

Ah well... I guess it'll work out. Somehow. Later today I'll go down to my sisters place and get my hair trimmed, so that I can see out through the fringe again. If you're nice, maybe I'll even produce a picture and add to this thing.. But we'll see. I've been promising pictures since I started this thread, and it's been over a month now.


On a different note, I really love writing with Rista. She's the best character I've ever made, and I've got sooo many plans for her that I'm gonna have to let her pick and choose between the alternatives :D Not only are there interesting things going on between her and Kovac and her and Fois, there's also this long ass roadtrip I've been talking about for a while.

Well, I've begun to feel a bit hesitant towards letting her leave WR just yet. There are too many things going on for me to want to leave, and she really doesn't have a lot of time to move on if she leaves on this side of winter. Meaning, I've strongly begun to consider letting her stay at home for at least the winter out, and perhaps get moving once snow melts in spring. It feels a bit better planned, and I'd get to really make a place for her among one half of her people. The journey to meet her other half... can wait. Seriously, it's not like I'm in a rush, right? I don't think Mizahar will collapse and go under anytime soon, and I sure ain't going anywhere.

Nothing is decided or set in stone really, I'm basically just pondering options so far. It'll have to be decided by the actions of Rista and the people around her what will happen; in the end, it's nigh impossible to control what she does anyway, so I might just stop trying. ^^

I feel like ending this rant now, so I'll leave you with this song. Told you I like Shinedown, didn't I? Well, this song reminds me a bit of Rista, or more like her inner voice that scolds her when she begins to feel miserable. I've got one of these too, and I can tell you, they are vicious xD

Anyway, thank you all that's waiting for threads from me; I admire your patience, and I promise I'll post even if my pace may have slowed down a bit.

Over and out / Chan

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Rista
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