[Kabrin Road] What Gets You Through the Night (solo)

[Kendall Saarinen]

43rd of Summer, 511 AV Kendall had tried. Sometimes he knew what he worried about, or thought he knew but most times the fight in his head seemed to be nothing but meaningless interference running through his brain. This day he sat alone. No Cathan, no Hadrian, no Ethan, and no Sondra. He was not even sure if he wanted to be alone. Nothing made sense anymore. When people left him to his own devices he felt a wave of relief. If he needed to cry, he could cry. If he needed to bury himself in his note book, he could. At the same time he longed for someone to sit with him. Kendall did not feel as though he could voice his thoughts even if someone wanted to hear them. He just felt stuck in this endless cycle of anxiety. Calm would come at times but it always was trailed by a latent feeling of anxiety. There was no down time, only constant worry and that was no way for a person to live. Kendall sat with his notebook laid out flat on his knees. He wanted to write, to do something but the words would not come to him. Nothing would come to him. He needed something, he needed his mother. Even though he was no position to see her he still wanted her to tell him everything would be okay. She always knew the right things to say to make him feel better but it seemed as he moved on he needed to learn how to figure out life on his own. The only problem was, he didn't feel ready to. Kendall's fingers gripped at the edges of his notebook, wishing some sort of inspiration would hit him. Even a simple love poem for Hadrian would have helped to ease the tension in his mind. The only thing that did come to him was tears and a torrent of them at that. "Mom… I need you. I just need someone to tell me everything is going to be okay. I'm not ready to be on my own yet." He knew it was time to move on and grow up but he did not know how. He never thought the day he would have to leave would have come so soon. It had been a year since he left but he still was not used to the feeling of being on his own. Hadrian softened the pain when he could but there was nothing he could do to fix everything. All of the magic in the world could not take his fear, only hide it for a little while.

[Kendall Saarinen]

Kendall's fingers ran over the edges of the pages, almost as if he was trying to see how far he could move his fingers before the paper sliced through his skin. Normally he would not have done this, not wanting to hurt himself. It almost seemed as though he was not even inhabiting his body. He was watching the world haphazardly through his anxiety. It clouded him and left him as a fraction of who he was. "Ivak… I don't want to ask for too much but please, help me to find clarity. Please aid me in leveling out my emotion. I feel like I am losing control of it right now and it scares me. Thank you." The Azenth felt calmed when praying to Ivak, or possibly it was just some jaded attempt to speak to the imprisoned God once more like he had in Zeltiva a year earlier. His hand came to rest upon his gnosis, the one that marked him as one of Ivak's Azenth. His fingers traced the flames as a weak smile tried to fight it's way to his lips. "I need to write…" Kendall opened his notebook and flipped through page after page to find one that was empty. When he finally did he bit his lip, trying to figure out what to write. Usually he was able to write something, even if it was a simple haiku or a stanza of juvenile free verse. Right now nothing called to him but the distortion in his mind. "Let's start with something short and simple…" "Breathe... At times it is the hardest thing to do The fire in my veins has been burning so hot And at times I no longer know what is true Home… It is so far from here It almost seems close enough to touch But far enough for the memories to sear." This poem was not as well written as he wanted it to be but it was a start. Perhaps this was just the slow start of his literary flow. "It's coming. It has to be…"

[Kendall Saarinen]

Kendall closed his eyes as he tried to think. He needed to keep writing. Somehow he needed to get all of this anxiety out. "I need a theme…" He ran through different themes he had encountered in his studies. There was nature, always a wonderful muse. Love, equally as wonderful. Family, not a topic he wanted to go into right now. Religion, not yet. He wanted his poetry to be much better before he tried to write anything honoring Ivak. None of the topics seemed to be right for the moment though. They were good topics but still, they would not lessen his anxiety. Again, he started to scribble. He had decided to make a poem modeled after the alphabet. It was not exactly anxiety soothing but he had an idea for it. "All alone But for tonight everything is Calm and bright. Don't worry now, Everything will be alright, For now the weather is clear. Going forward, never back, even in the rain. Hailing the storm clouds and the sleet In perfect streaks again. Just close your eyes and Keep sight of Long roads where you roam. For Most days bring Narrow pathways to quest your long way home. Only Passable when hearing the Quiet whispers of Real figments playing in the Shadows of our minds and never forgetting Tomorrow's milita will Undertake what yesterday always finds. Valiant under compromising situations When X-marks the spot is hard to see. You'll continue to march forward in this Zoo this world has come to be." The poem was not exactly helping with his anxiety but he was satisfied with it. It had gotten his mind off of the trouble in his mind at least for a little bit. It would be all he would work on for now. His mind was too frenetic to focus any longer.

[Templar]

Kendall: Poetry: 3 - Lore: Channeling your emotion