[Sorian's Scrapbook} Personality: Disorder!

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[Sorian's Scrapbook} Personality: Disorder!

Postby Sorian on December 31st, 2010, 5:57 pm

Let the fun shine in,
and the havoc roars.
But still one thing remains still,
calm in a surreptitious way.

The weight of the world
is temporarily lifted
as the guns and glory of celebration
hammers into the eardrums.
You behold the good tidings
left as an offering on the table
to some feng shui idol
sitting on an altar straight ahead.

One should feel bliss inside at this time;
I feel it in halves.
Bittersweet, like life itself.
New Year should be a time to find others,
to open your heart to what should come.
Yet the question rages inside.
How can I bear to be so giving?
I can't even find myself.

The heart beats so well for others;
why it beats none for the self
and why it is so smothered
despite these tokens from God
the gift of another chance
to make mistakes and drown
in the revelry of the world
bewilders me.

I have no words inside me anymore.
The fire has left these fingers
rendering them mute to
the reborn and rejuvenated,
whistling and exploding outside.

The emptiness is alive in the smile tonight;
it has no substance, no real bliss
like a plastic cup filled with water
Once you face the trials that judge you
every time the festivities conclude
you die inside again.

So I welcome this year
expecting nothing more than the usual.
A lot of smiles,
A lot of sighs
And no money to show for it.
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[Sorian's Scrapbook} Personality: Disorder!

Postby Mao on December 31st, 2010, 6:11 pm

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<3~ Find your Zen. Be Happy.
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[Sorian's Scrapbook} Personality: Disorder!

Postby Sorian on January 6th, 2011, 5:10 pm

Does anyone need a good shrink? I need one badly.

Allow me to start this worthless shit of a post with a question. Where is the love in all this shyke, this life? Where is the joy and good vibes I've been wanting and needing? There is no joy in what I do now. Everything is heavy, as if there was some damn ghost hanging round my shoulders every time I have to trudge along to do what I need to do. I see school as a perfect hell now; almost every face I see reminds me of the inner demons that I can't seem to overcome, the breaking dam I am holding back desperately, and the idiosyncrasies that make my life so fascinatingly dumb.

I've become so ragged inside that nothing, absolutely nothing has gone unaffected. My perceptions, my misconceptions, my emotions, my half-hearted truths and bald faced lies. My family doesn't seem to understand me, as they are too busy picking on my faults and my lack of time for them, branding my long work hours as ones spent on gallivanting around. And even if we are together, we are a shoddy mess, often roaming around malls with a parade of negative emotions spewing out of our mouths like some chimneys on fire. Thankfully, nobody has died from the turmoil which we have been experiencing, but somehow I feel like I'm the one closest to the grave or something.

My friends are far away, busy with their own little worlds. Of course, a man has to go his own way, but this is where the drinking buddies come in handy. They are often trapped in their own obligations, unable to wriggle free of their responsibilities like we were able to do back in high school. It just breaks my crap thinking back on how carefree and merry I used to be with these guys, before all this real world bullcrap started raining down on me.

My professionalism, my work ethic, my desire and my calling have all gone to shit; I entered this practice teaching with so many grand visions for myself and for those (once figured would be) lucky enough to come under my wing. At first yes, it went all hunky doy; we all got along great. I got no problems with my own first year students, as they all still affectionately listen every time I have to peddle my oft-blown up skills, like some damn pufferfish that needs to spike someone with poison. But now I see most other students as hindrances and obstacles to be overcome rather than challenges to be met head on. I've probably regressed into the role of a bloody coward, hiding under the pretext of being a student teacher in order to make sure that I am scot-free from the blame.

Then, the big one. The most blastferrific issue of all for me. The most important girl in my life, my beloved, works and studies with me in the public school where I teach. We have almost the same routines, the same schedule; we see each other everyday, I take her home everyday, we eat together, we go to all sorts of place together. What's wrong with the set-up? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Yes, we are often the talk of the town and the object of speculation for both teachers and students alike, but we don't often mind because when things are friendly and cordial we both enjoy the praises and attention.

But everything seems so twisted and so stupid now right. See, the students she handles everyday, senior students, to be precise, can't keep their fucking mittens to themselves. She is a thing of beauty, especially in our nice uniforms, and I can understand that they are just bonkers over her. But this is where the understanding shatters into a thousand freaking pieces, and goes over to the point of insanity. They go absolutely crazy about her, flirting with her all over the place, professing puppy-dog, lust driven, stupid and naive love even though she is a teacher and they are mere cretins far beneath our feet. She doesn't egg them on no, but it infuriates me how she just laughs at them while they continue to grovel and drool and beg for her to let them court her in front of my face. What doubles the pain is that she isn't even my girlfriend to begin with; I am just another hopeful in a sea of faces, and it disgusts me how sometimes I can see myself sinking deeper and deeper into that ever-expanding sea.

One of the yellow tags in the dividing line between a paid teacher and a student teacher is this: we get to interact with the students in a more comfortable way in a more leveled field because our ages are closer. Truth be told, I too am very comfortable with my own students, whom I actually adore. But whenever I see her students surrounding us like a pack of mangy dogs, whenever I hear them whistle like voyeurs every time we pass by, whenever they holler out to her and call her out across the corridor, at the same time doing so without even acknowledging my presence with any sort of greeting, I tend to devolve into fits of helpless rage. As a teacher, I can't really profess the intense loathing I feel towards them in public; it is too unethical, too unprofessional, not to mention it endangers my graduation aspirations. All I can do is grumble and fester in this grudge which is threatening to spill out into the open. As a student and a man, however, things are starting to shift towards the desire to use of brazen fists rather than words. Needless to say, nothing has been broken yet, human or object, but I can feel it growing inside. I can feel the loathing, the disgust, the tension, and most especially, the stress brewing like some Sahovan devil's concoction. Now my head feels like its about to explode most of the time, my heart suffers from high blood pressure readings, my arms feel like they're weighed down by stone, and the motivation and sprightliness I had in my late-2010 steps had changed into a dragging, flat-footed, slouched bodily movements. I feel sleepy, tired and tense all the time, almost cursing the days and seeing her as the only sort of saving grace I have in an otherwise cruel reality.

This has been dragging on for some months now, and I can't take it anymore. Perhaps this is extremely stupid to rant about, as it showcases all the issues I have: jealousy at its finest, insecurity at its greatest, rage at its most silent and pathetic. But I don't have enough money for a psychiatrist, and I need an outlet.

I can offer only one very succinct explanation why I am so intolerant of other hopefuls: that is because I desire to be the only 'hopeful' left in the world. You see, I am a victim of circumstance. This girl, no matter how close we are, would never take me for her man. Why? Its simple, really. She already has one, far away in some place called Los Angeles, California, another dumb immigrant hoping for a better life somewhere other than home. But before you start thinking of all the stupid attributes which one can heap on a desperate fool like me who is madly in love with an already taken woman, let me dish out some things for consideration. The guy is a) never coming back to the Philippines; b) has a family that disapproves of said girl; c) has absolutely no balls whatsoever; and d) is so fucking average he just seems so poor. I sometimes have to wonder what in the blazing fuck the guy did to deserve his good fortune, but alas. Fate is simply served with but a few condiments when it comes to me.

Long distance relationships are stupid for me, and I feel that no one can deny this. Sure, it carries a feel-good-ish story with it every time you get to hang out with your friends ("Oh hey, I'm a loyal girl/guy because I can maintain a LDR despite all the guys/girls hanging round my ears left and right" and all that shit) but the fact to the matter is, this is simply choosing to be blind to the better things around you. You can definitely say that I am doing the same thing, and I admit that I am quite hypocritical in this regard. But so what? I couldn't care less if I am being unfair to myself or to others. I am a selfish, arrogant guy, and some smirking part of me is proud of that. I despise the world; I am a teacher-to-be and continuing to feel this way cripples my vocation, but somehow I remain disconsolate and unmoved. Its like I don't give a damn anymore, and while it makes me fear for myself, it makes me want to hurt others more.

I suffer from terrible luck, my friends. Although I see all sorts of shitty stuff happening in the world around me which I can definitely deem to be more bad luck-ish than what I am suffering, I tend to think of myself in a darker shade than anyone else. How can you possibly think of the world when there is such an immaculate amount of construed emotions inside of you? In fact, how do you actually escape this, so you can continue thinking of the rest of the world?How do you hold on to your wits when so many damn people are trying to file in line to usurp your precious moments with the most important person in your life? How do you avoid being so sick and tired of what you see everyday when you have to take it all in for the sake of what you HAVE to do? How do you solve this kind of problem on your own? So many lingering questions, and not one answer to show for it. How does luck play a vital part in all of this? I haven't found enough of it to give me a break from my daily chores in order to think things through. Yeah, lame excuse, but its the only one in the sleeve.

I try to communicate with myself, to see what I can do to save myself from all this confusion and role-eschewing shit I'm feeling. I can't. I just can't. Its been buried under a pile of things that make me wanna puke, roll over and die. I am a fighter, but I am sick and tired. In fact, I am so sick and tired that I can't even explain myself in full detail anymore. How do you explain this kind of emotion through a blog? Can you, really? I guess I can't, because its hard trying to find the right words to say that can justify these stresses.

To sum all of this up, here is a real crappy formula: Selfish, angry, bitter, jealous, envious, sick and tired + confused, hopelessly devoted, helpless, suppressed, repressed, depressed, regressed and stressed = ME.

Well, like I said, I need a shrink. Dear MIzahar, sorry for this excessively stupid post. If you find this distasteful, shameful or anything else with a 'ful' suffix in tow, please be forgiving.
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[Sorian's Scrapbook} Personality: Disorder!

Postby Gossamer on January 6th, 2011, 5:15 pm

Your posts trouble me. I want to give you a hug, Dave. Come back to us. Roleplay. Love starts inside with a noted measure of self worth and self confidence. It isn't external, and when it is its only healthy when the internal love is strong.

Come be with people who love you here. We'll help you nurture whats inside that's screaming to be loved and cared for and appreciated by most importantly you.
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[Sorian's Scrapbook} Personality: Disorder!

Postby Vanator on January 6th, 2011, 7:47 pm

Dave, Jen is so right. Personally, I miss you. You are a great guy, and I consider you a friend. In spite of all the teasing, you have always been my cheerleader. Let us be yours.

Dave, you know I have been around awhile. I have learned that you are not alone in that desperation. We all have those dark and ugly things. Few here know the depth of mine, and if anyone says they don't have them are lying through their perfect white teeth. We all can get confused when we dare to pull our heads out of our delusions to look at reality. Those unpretty things can feed on your circumstances and make if feel like the walls of your world are folding in on you. The lie is that we are alone in our darkness, and that it is without end. Don't believe it.

You don't need a shrink buddy, its just like Jen said, you need to be with people who love you, so you can see to love yourself. I know that sounds cliche and corny, but it is freaking real. You are an incredible person, everyone has the potential to be. But only if you can see it too. It hurts to see you so down on yourself when I know that you are more than what you see right now.

Don't disappear on us.
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[Sorian's Scrapbook} Personality: Disorder!

Postby Alice on January 6th, 2011, 8:15 pm

This post wasn't stupid. In fact, it was very good for you to write all of this down and post it here. I certainly don't claim that I have the solution to all of your problems, but I think communication is really the best way to get over your anger and stress and depression and everything else. Don't break things, instead sit down with someone, anyone, really, and talk to them about everything. (It doesn't have to be the red couch with the psychology guy sitting behind you.) Talking to us is a very good step into the right direction. Actually, talking to someone in chat will probably help too. I think talking and/or writing is really the best way to cope with problems, because you get some fresh air into your head and probably some new ideas too.

I'd hate to lose you, both as a player, a writer and a person. Although I don't know you very well (mostly through that incident that ended with your apology ... you remember?), I know enough to honestly say that much. Please, come back to us, do something, do anything to make a change. I think you need change. Very badly. And I just know that you don't really want to think about death and graves.

There's another option. There always is. We'll always be here, waiting for you. I second Jen, and I'll listen to you and help you anytime. Please, just give it a try.
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[Sorian's Scrapbook} Personality: Disorder!

Postby Sorian on April 3rd, 2011, 1:55 am

I HAS RETURNETH!

To those who have read the above (emo) post (and the heart-mending replies), the events which have transpired, unfolded and otherwise happened during the long months of practice teaching is over. No more stress, no more hassles, no more obstacles. Now I'm back in business and (TREMBLE MORTALS!) never leaving again.

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That's me in a Matrix suit. Actually part of my graduation picture collection. NOTE: Bet you've never realized Keannu Reeves was so HOT before you saw my ugly mug, did ya?

I've been gone for awhile. Yeah, like, 8 months total I think. Those were broken in many intervals (and promises) which had really made me too embarrassed to even approach. Chances are, if you spot a single 'hidden' person lurking around the forums during the past few months, that would have been me. Pathetic, I know. ;__; But I never would have imagined that so many would still wuv me, even after all those times I've been like a vagrant cat, meandering in and out whenever I chose to. Of course, life works that way, but I'll be staying now.

Fresh Image to the FACE for everyone! <3
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[Sorian's Scrapbook} Personality: Disorder!

Postby Vala on April 4th, 2011, 12:52 am

Yaaaaay, I'm glad you're back cuz then I got to meet another awesome filipino.

Thanks for the tasty pics... I seriously need to nom... field trip to Red Ribbon!

Here is a picture to commensurate our new Filipino connection
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[Sorian's Scrapbook} Personality: Disorder!

Postby Sorian on April 4th, 2011, 1:37 am

But Valababe... That's... Captain hook and... Uhh, Hector Barbossa! They're not Filipino!

...Or are they? XD

As a side note, I LOL'd so hard at that GP's Angels post in Jillybean's scrapbook. (Link here!) Sweet bejeezus. I can't remember how many times I snickered and shook my head, saying, "POOR GP. Being harangued by three gorgeous vixens. Oh he's in such an unenviable position!" Paopao, Jillybean and Satubabe did GOOOD.

/me cries for being a liar

Now, I am going to start advocating that OTHER MEDAL they proposed. I present to you...

*DunDunDUN* THE MIKESAURUS MEDAL!

This award is to be awarded to individuals who are no less than 127897302709834270912839712093709185297 years old, like our favorite person in Miz, Mike! He's been around forever, and will continue to do so, because he's AWESOME. He's a pillar of this community, and has been... Well, MIKE! Everyone aspires to be as accomplished as this magnificent individual! I know I do! :D (NOTE: I'm SERIOUS about this.)

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This medal will also apply to slightly younger individuals, like the 7868934279897324732478972348934890328 year old Siiri, or to grumpy old bears (who will, no doubt grow even older because of it...) like the 363218968912738127389127398127390091 year old Asim! And oh, to 138763894789234783294783974901237 year old mages who have been alive before J.K. Rowling, like Kamalia! Also, to tireless individuals who horde medals and could always use another one, like the three aforementioned GPs Angels! 1,2, and 3!And how can I forget, to people with a bazillion words and posts like... I can't say it! *cough Jen cough*

Also, to people who will live forever! Like... GP! and Mishy!

Who's with me? SUPPORT THE MIKESAURUS MEDAL ADVOCACY!

Obviously I also get one for having a mancrush on Mike. <3
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[Sorian's Scrapbook} Personality: Disorder!

Postby Sorian on April 4th, 2011, 11:55 am

Of Filipinos and Heritage Conservation


There are few things in the world which I am more proud of than being a Filipino. Being one, I've been infused with the blood of heroes and martyrs, of a nation which has proven its mettle against nature, foreign invader, and destiny itself. We were once a backwards nation, plucked from the slow but sure development of our own culture by the intervention of Christianity and Europe. But alas, despite the pride, despite the love, there are many things that turn out as discrepancies within our collective consciousness as a nation that I so detest. Like any imperfect relationship, I love my country and it loves me back, but there is still so much to be sad and angry about with each other.


Despite my undergraduate course during college having been Education (with a major in English), its not actually what I’m most proficient at. Beyond my vernacular abilities in teaching and employing the said language, I'm much more at home with a subject that most people find totally boring: history. I’m a proud history buff; be it World history or National History, whatever is of historical value, I suck up using a straw going straight to my brain. I was never good at Math, never was too athletic, but when it comes to this particular subject I never demand anything less than an A++++.

I make it a point to read about things which I will never get to see, hear, or otherwise experience, and are otherwise forgotten or neglected by many. I love touring old places, be it cemeteries, former urban areas or even seashores. Sad to say, I haven't been to many places in my own country due to lack of time and funding (a student's gotta study, of course!), but I make it a point to know as much as I can about the places where I've been. That said, my favorite and most well-visited hub, Manila, has never escaped my imagination.

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Fort Santiago, part of Intramuros, the Walled City of Manila


Every time I go out and visit the tourist industry hub of Manila, the old Spanish Walled City of Intramuros, my leisurely walks often take a downturn for the slow and nostalgic. Fortunately for me, my University’s very location is smack right in the thick of things, so every afternoon I can go explore its nooks and crannies before I go home.

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The Pamantasan ng Lungsod ng Maynila, or University of the City of Manila - My college home, right in the smack of the Walled city.


Littering the place is a collection of several historical markers which commemorate vanished old buildings which had once stood in spots where, as per usual, commercial establishments now stand. I read those markers everyday, as if I didn’t already know, and haven’t done so for countless times. Usually I do it alone, but if for only a moment I could picture myself wearing old Filipino clothes and staring not at simple markers, but at the edifices themselves, if for a fleeting moment I could transport myself back in time to witness the grandeur of the much-desecrated places I visit, it was worth being the butt of my uncultured classmates’ jokes. Someday I plan to write a book about Manila, of the feelings that I've accumulated, the things I saw and the ones I never saw, with a flush message of resentment included.

Why that, you ask? Its a complex thing, but in a nutshell, its because most Filipinos nowadays don’t give a rat’s ass about their own history and culture, and that saddens me very much. You certainly won’t find many people my age nowadays who would prefer to stroll around empty historical venues than spend all afternoon playing Defense of the Ancients in some heavily populated computer rental store. In fact, Filipinos nowadays care so little about history, that they wouldn’t think twice about tearing down old structures that have withstood the ravages of time, disasters and that blasted World War II, just to earn a few profits from a new apartment complex.

Of course, since life here is so hard nowadays, it is perfectly understandable that the average businessman’s eye would be pointed towards the growth of fortune, rather than the preservation of our heritage. What makes it so hard to swallow is that whenever we go to other countries as tourists, we always treat old Paris or Rome with so much reverence, so much admiration. These are the very people who would sigh at the stare of the Louvre or at the Panthenon and say, “Man I wish Manila was this great.” Yet, the moment they come home they start covering up their noses, trying to avoid the smell of poverty and decay which pervades Manila; they look at its few surviving architectural marvels, such as the Art Deco Metropolitan Theater, with only Peso signs in their greedy eyes.

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The unused and neglected Manila Metropolitan Theater, a legacy of Colonial America


It makes me wonder. Is heritage conservation the least profitable pursuit in the economic world today? Is it the most expensive? I'm not a business or economics graduate so I wouldn't know. All I know is that with the general poverty level here, the national government has its hands full directing education and heath care services for the poor. But alas, all they teach in schools nowadays is the age-old Filipino notion of "global competitiveness." With all due respect to MY OWN undergrad course, we teach English in schools for what? So that the young minds of tomorrow can patronize foreign ideals and things as better than our own, that this country is so deplorable that life is always better overseas. Hence, we can ignore, exploit, and even downright destroy our own heritage, our own culture.

This is the mindset which the unwitting and uncaring bring today. And they certainly add damage to the insult already heaped upon the city. You simply never know when things would simply vanish from Manila. Back when I was young, we still had a few more architectural gems of note. Sadly, when the last Manila mayor stepped into office (I despise that PIG with a passion, thus I will not mention his name!) around the year 1998, he commenced destroying, or allowing the destruction of so much of Manila’s old heritage sites, all in the name of profit and a perfidious veneer of progress. The Jai Alai building and the San Lazaro Hippodrome are prime examples of structures which were destroyed over a nine year term in office, the sites of which are now occupied by a huge, unpopular convenience store and an SM Mall, respectively.

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The now-vanished San Lazaro Hippodrome, replaced by an SM Mall.


But this desire for ‘progress’ and ‘profit’ has done next to nothing in reclaiming Manila’s stature as the ‘Pearl of the Orient’ and ‘Queen of the Pacific’ in the eyes of tourists. We have some moderately maintained historical buildings in the cluster around Luneta Park, such as the old City Hall, Legislative Building (now the National Museum) and others, buildings which are readily seen by tourists. But in other places where registered voters now squat and the tourists may fear for their very lives visiting, the city government has done ZERO preservation. It’s like the city ordinance goes along these lines: “if other people can’t see it, we can destroy it.”
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National Museum of the Philippines, with an UGLY yellow paintjob


Can the good Americans here imagine Broadway’s cluster of old movie houses being torn down and replaced by ugly apartments? Or perhaps the Statue of Liberty’s bronze being chipped away so it can be sold for a few bucks? Can the British here accept it if the Tower of London is bulldozed over so that it can be turned into a parking lot? Can the Germans (or Austrians) here stomach it if historic Salzburg, with its Sound of Music –famous scenery and buildings are crushed simply because they’re old?

That is exactly what’s happening to my poor Manila every day. And for once, I wish everyone thought like I do.
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