Season of Fall, Day 23, 513 AV
Jorin could feel surprise and not a small amount of disappointment welling up in him as Rinya was the first to pull away from their kiss. It was usually the other way around, and Jorin tried to follow her retreating lips but gave up when it was clear that Rinya had something on her mind. He was somewhat comforted by her stroking fingers, which as usual left trails of fire on his skin. Then with a sigh she pulled him into his bedroom.
Jorin wordlessly followed, his insides twisting a bit as he sensed Rinya's hesitation and a hundred other emotions that flitted by too quickly to process. She clearly was torn about what she wanted to talk about, and when she offered him a seat next to her, Jorin sat down on her right, putting his right arm around her shoulders.
"I really hate her Jorin." Rinya began, and Jorin sighed. Well that was no surprise. He figured Rinya didn't just go around punching random people, or he'd hear about that. Besides, Farline for whatever reason seemed to want to make it her life's mission to collect as many punches from his mate as she could.
"She’s... fake. All she wants to do is mess around in your head! A predictable toy." Rinya continued, her tone a mocking imitation of Farline's. Jorin's heart twisted some more. So that was how Farline saw him. He'd suspected for a long time that Farline didn't truly love him. If she did, it should not have been that easy to dump him, right? But a toy ... maybe he was a toy back then. He was so much younger, he'd never been in love before. He'd been so blind; or maybe he just didn't want to see.
Jorin listened in silence as Rinya described how Farline wanted Rinya to do the same; to use him and discard him. It didn't make Jorin angry so much as sad. Every word added to his sorrow: did Farline really think so little of him? Was he that much of a chump?
But one thing Jorin was certain of; Rinya would never behave like that. She was short-tempered sometimes, and she had a quick sarcastic tongue, but he was absolutely certain she would never just use and discard. He'd wager his life on it. He could see now why Farline's attempts might anger her to the point of violence. Which just saddened him more.
When Rinya quoted Farline, Jorin shut his eyes, brow furrowed as his heart dropped into his shoes. So pathetic. He chuckled quietly. Maybe he had been pathetic. He could only remember what he thought, what he felt, so he didn't know what he looked like looking in from the outside. And he realized, looking back on things, he probably did look like a fool. A patsy. A gullible, foolish chump. What else to describe someone chasing a shadow?
"It was instinct even the grotto. Protecting you, even though hitting her was more for my benefit than yours. I just hadn't wanted to admit it yet—that you were my mate. But she..." Rinya trailed off, as though she couldn't think of what else to say. And indeed, what else was there to say?
Jorin squeezed Rinya a bit tighter to himself, resting his chin on top of her head. Then he released her and took her hand, just holding it for a chime or two, letting a heavy silence fall between them. Then he spoke.
"I think... I think I must have known, to some degree," he whispered. Bitter disappointment swirled with overwhelming sadness inside his gut.
"You know, as you talked, I tried, Rinya. I tried so very hard to remember, to recreate what I used to feel for her. That day when Farline and I first met, the emotions. But I couldn't. It wasn't there anymore. All I got was an echo. A shadow of what once was." Jorin said this with a hint of wonder in his voice. Wonder at how a feeling that was once so very strong could just be... gone.
"I was so young... just fifteen. I suppose for a Kelvic it would be the equivalent of being only a year or so old? Maybe a little more. Anyhow, she was the first female to pay any real attention to me." Jorin chuckled humorlessly.
"I guess I was a toy back then. Because I didn't know any better. What I said to Farline in the hospital was true. I did think that, if I loved her enough, that someday she'd love me back. So maybe somewhere inside I knew she didn't love me. But I'll admit I never suspected she..." Jorin's voice trailed off as he stared into the wall. His eyes were very far away.
"So pathetic, huh?" he sighed eventually, with another humorless chuckle. Jorin turned to Rinya, pain written all over his face and flooding across the bond.
"I wouldn't blame you at all if you thought the same of me," he sighed. "After all I let it go on for so long... I should have seen it. But I didn't. I didn't want to see it. So blind. So pitiful." Jorin spat the last word at himself. Maybe Farline was right. Rinya deserved a much better mate than him...