Flashback Drowning In Times Past

[Karin]

81st Day of Spring 515 AV, Alvadas

Karin's birthday was only ten days away. She wasn't excited. She never normally was, birthdays for her were quiet and peaceful, days where her mother and her father were nice to her and didn't annoy her, and then let her do her own thing. That was how she liked it, to be honest. No fuss, just peace and quiet. In a way, she hadn't even thought about her birthday, not really.

Her mother had asked if she'd like anything for her birthday, and Karin had responded in her usual way, "Not much Ma". So, on this day, ten days before her birthday, Karin decided that it would be nice to go outside and explore for a little bit. One of the good things about her hometown was that it was constantly different, providing endless exploration.

Today it was raining a light mizzle which settled on her forearms and the crown of her head, soaking her through in minutes. However, the most significant thing that Karin noticed was the fact that the first thing that happened to her when she stepped out the door was that her feet started, ever so slightly, to sink.

Ah yes. The sinking streets. She'd almost temporarily forgotten about it. To make sure she didn't keep sinking, Karin started to walk forwards, not really sure of her destination, but sure that she wanted some fresh air and a way of not sinking. For the majority of the morning, Karin wandered the roads and avenues of Alvadas, marvelling at some still quite sunken building and exploring the delights of discovery.

She was content. Not really happy as such, but content. Content in her loneliness, as she wandered on the outskirts of society. Karin didn't pay much heed to her fellow travellers. It wasn't that she was ignorant, no. She simply preferred the company of herself, and the company of the nature that surrounded her. So, for the morning, Karin wandered, and discovered, and idled.

However, a few bells after leaving the house, her calm morning was shattered. Karin was just inside the Bizarre, admiring some silver jewellery which she knew she couldn't really afford. So it was a surprise when behind her, she heard a man screeching. She didn't really pay attention to it, until the man prodded her sharply in the shoulder blades.

"OUch!" The girl spun sharply on her toes and eyed the screeching man in bewilderment, the silverware store person looking on with a disapproving frown. "What was that for?" The man's almost incoherent reply surprised the girl deeply. He rambled on in a high pitched voice, yelling about money, and 'cut-purses!' and filthy Svefra. He pointed and jabbed his finger against Karin, demanding she own up to her 'crimes'. He must be mistaken..? She didn't have a clue what the man was going on about.

She only very vaguely knew she was in some way Svefra. She remembered... yes. Her mother had told her that the wave pattern on her arm was a tattoo given to her by a group of people that she used to know, and that they used to live on the sea in a boat. She knew that they moved to Alvadas when she was young, for reasons unknown to Karin, but she'd not thought about it for a long time. And this man thought she was in some way to blame for a theft? What's going on?

She realised she was bothered by it. The man was still there, obviously expecting an answer, or an apology from her. The store-person behind her was frowning, telling the man it was rude to yell, especially at young girls who clearly didn't understand what was going on. Karin however just said, "I'm sorry mister, I don't know what you mean. I've lived here all my life, I couldn't have stealed your things. I'm not Svefra, not really..." The man stared, then stammered out a hesitant apology as he rushed off red-faced, the store-woman shaking her head at the foolishness of him.

Karin thanked the store-person bemusedly, who merely replied that it was okay, "My pleasure!" The young blonde wandered off, thinking hard. She was bothered. 'I'm not Svefra'. Was that even true? The only thing she knew was true was that she hardly knew anything about her youth. All she'd ever known was her mother and her step-father. In fact, she knew nothing about, what was it, I can't remember. She cast her mind back, searching for terminology, or anything about her past which would be useful. The pod? Her past was an indistinct blur of greyed out knowledge which she couldn't access. She shook her head with increasing confusion. Why didn't she know anything?

[Karin]

She was nearing home as the rain stopped, and a distant rumble of thunder rolled through the streets, almost in sympathy with Karin's mood, as she was feeling increasingly nervous and fraught with confusion and the onset of an abstract anger. She pushed open the door of her house, and grimaced at the creaking. "Ma? Are you home?" Their house was only small, and she'd be able to tell if she was in or not as soon as she stepped into the house properly, but it was customary in the Ironyach family to call out like this.

Her mother's homely voice answered in return, sounding a little mumbled as she was bent over the fire, concentrating on something. Karin approached her, trying not to let her emotions show. Her fists clenched without her realising, and she sat down in her usual cross-legged pose next to the low crackling fire. "Where's Da?"

Karin hadn't yet decided what she wanted to do, but she knew she wanted answers. But she didn't want to be asking questions whilst her father was around. She found her father irritating, his presence far too overpowering. The affect he had on her mother too was unbearable, and his Isurian haughtiness was petching annoying.

So when Karin's mother replied with, "He's out at work sweetie. He won't be home for a while yet", she let out a small sigh of relief, and shuffled closer to the fire. "Ma. Can I ask you something?" The girl was nervous. She'd never thought about her past, and now that she was, she wasn't sure what to expect. She also didn't like asking personal questions.

The way the Ironyach family operated was on distance and polite friendliness. It was slightly oppressive, and it also meant that whenever she wanted to ask some important question, there was always an underlying uneasiness. But she ploughed on, not wanting to chicken out. She wanted to know, this time.

"Something happened in the market today. It was I guess... I guess a little strange, and I wasn't expecting it really. Um..." The girl paused, and bit her fingernail. Her solitary nature meant she wasn't very succinct with her words, but her mother was used to this and just nodded briefly, waiting for her to continue.

"Um... So, yeah. There was a man, at the stall where I was lookin'. He... he yelled at me." At this, Alnya's expression grew concerned, her brow wrinkling, as she reached for Karin's hand. The girl looked at it, and quickly pretended not to notice, as she placed her hand under her chin. "He was yelling about... well, about how I looked. He said I was Svefra. Said I was a cut-purse." Karin's voice was low and quiet, as she hesitantly spilled her story.

She was a nervous pit of anxiousness and fear and yes, a little bit of anger. She wasn't really sure what to expect from this confrontation, but she knew that things would undoubtedly change, and she wasn't entirely sure she would be ready for it. But, as she bit her lip and shuffled in her seat, she knew that she wanted to know- more than anything. So, going on, she said, "So, I said to him... that I'm not Svefra. But... well, it got me thinking Ma. That's not really true, is... is it? I am Svefra. You told me, ages ago. I've just not thought of it since."

Her voice grew harsher as she continued, her anger starting to grow, like the distant storm on the horizon. You know it'll break, but the exact when is an unknown. "I'm Svefra, and all this time whilst I've been here, with you and my petching step-father who really doesn't understand me, or even try. You haven't told me anything about my past." The girl was not looking at her mother, she could feel the tears welling in her eyes, tears of fear and anxiety and most of all anger. She could feel her mother's expression, one of shock, mostly. She didn't care. She needed to say this.

"So... what I wanted to ask was this, Ma." She spat the word out, although it felt strange to talk to her mother like that, unnatural. "Why am I here? Why am I Svefra? Where am I from?" She hesitated, a telling hesitation that spoke realms without having to speak at all. "Why am I not happy?"

There was a long, drawn-out pause. The room was quiet, and the light through the window cast gentle patterns across the floor, glimmering in the dust motes. Karin looked up from her lap, with an unknowable glint in her deep, ocean blue eyes. Her mother was sitting opposite from her, and her hair was falling in brown curls over her cheeks. Karin searched her expression, looking for the answers, or some kind of reaction. The silence was liquid, and the girl reached to brush her hand across her face, brushing off some stray hairs.

[Karin]

It was a while before her mother answered, but when she did, her voice was distant, maybe even worried. Karin couldn't really tell, she was too preoccupied with her own tumultuous feelings. "Karin, I don't know what you want to know. I... didn't know you were unhappy with living here, I didn't even know that you remembered that far back." Alnya's face took on a far-away look, and her eyes looked sad.

"Dear, a lot happened back then. Y'know, I was born on the sea. I always hated it though, don't you think that's strange? Born Svefra, with a loving, happy family, and still hating it." The woman sighed, and in that moment, Karin didn't know her at all. "So, there was that. And I had you, and I was happy for a little bit, but... I just couldn't cope. I left a lot of the time. To go and run for supplies, or get some repairs done, or any small thing like that. The pod didn't feel like home. It felt like a prison, and I felt like I had to change myself to fit them. Karin, I'm sorry but... I couldn't cope. And then I met Jovern, your step-father."

Here, the woman smiled, a distant smile as she thought things over. Karin felt distinctly shut-out from her mother. Her mother's words were private, and it almost seemed like she had held this talk close to her heart for a long time, like she'd wanted to tell her daughter, but hadn't ever had the right time. And now it was all pouring out, every heart-ache and every explanation. Karin begrudged her. All this time, she could have known all this. Everything would have been okay. But no. She just has to make it feel like I was the one who's in the wrong.

Karin's bitter thoughts were interrupted as her Ma continued talking. "Jovern grounded me, quite literally. He made me feel included and loved. We're both very interested in our carving, your father with metal and me with wood. So, we had something to bond over, and that made me feel so happy, you wouldn't believe. And then times with the pod got harder and harder. You never seemed to want to spend time with me, I mean, you were only a little baby, but it still hurt a little."

The woman frowned, and said, "So I was feeling upset about that. Jovern was so accommodating though, he made me feel so happy, and even though he's so Isurian," she rolled her eyes with a little laugh before continuing. "He was so helpful and loving. He started to suggest that I should move here, to Alvadas. Of course, I laughed it off to begin with, but after my life with that pod, I started to realise that might be a good idea. I asked Jovern if, well, if he'd be happy to live with me, and he said yes. So, we made plans... and this is where we are now."

Alnya snapped out of her reverie, looking up at Karin with soft, cow-like eyes as she reached again to take her hand. "Can you understand that Karin? That I just couldn't bear to stay somewhere where I wasn't happy, that I didn't want to leave you behind, not my daughter. So I took you with me. And we moved here, and we've been happy." Alnya's voice took on a defensive stance, and as Karin moved her hand away again, the woman huffed a sigh; a bright, wild, indignant look shining like an oil slick in her eyes.

[Karin]

The older woman spoke again, "I don't know what you want me to say." Karin looked at her, hard in the eyes. Throughout her speech, she'd been thinking. Her mother's story hadn't done what she thought it might, it didn't make her understand. She couldn't understand, why would she be unhappy? How could she be unhappy? And equally she couldn't understand what Alnya saw in her step-father.

He wasn't kind, he wasn't 'loving'. He was anything but, in Karin's eyes. He was hard, not cruel, but still... Hard. Karin hated how whenever he was around, her Ma turned into this sappy, good-for-nothing creature which pandered to his every need, and it sickened her. From her description, they'd met whilst carving, or something like that. But from what Karin saw now, her mother didn't ever do any of that anymore. There were no wood carvings around, and her mother didn't do anything she truly enjoyed..

All she ever did was look after the house, cook and clean and mend things. It was strange. Karin was angry with her for not being what she wanted her to be. She bunched her fists up and stood up, to look out the window, whilst she took a little bit of grit out of her eyes. "Ma. Honestly, what was it like in the pod? I want to know what happened, what we did. What was I like?"

Karin tucked her hair behind her ear, and looked at her mother, who looked up at her with a hurt look in her eyes. "It wasn't nice, it really wasn't. Everyone was so close to each other, there was no personal space. Karin, you were forever getting into scrapes, hurting yourself. It was horrible! I wanted to protect you from that, and I wanted to provide for you the only way I know how. You wouldn't have liked growing up there, it was such an unstable environment."

How ironic. You just moved from one 'unstable environment' to the city where the streets are constantly shifting. How very like you mother. "You're not telling me about the pod. Tell me about it. What happened to it?" Karin sat back, running both her hands through her hair, capturing her hair like seaweed in a net.

Her mother was quiet for a little while. Finally she spoke, as if she had suddenly realised just how much this meant to her daughter, her voice cracked and strangely broken, like a quiet sob. "I... don't know what happened dear. We left, and I've never seen from them again."

The air was quiet, the house was still. Karin stood blinking furiously, looking out of the window, her mind swirling. Should she accept what her mother said? Should she believe her, even when her entire being screamed against it? It didn't make any sense, how her mother could have disliked it so strongly when it sounded perfect.

Karin didn't even know why she felt it to be what she wanted, a life with the pod, but she merely sensed it in her bones. A life on land was not who she was... she was of the sea. She knew it now.

"I'm of the sea..." Her reflective statement shone bright like a defiant spark of wildfire, glistening in the dull air of the house. Her mother's eyes widened, and somehow, Karin sensed the change which she'd anticipated at the start of the conversations, the subtle change which cut her intensely off from her mother and from her family life. "Karin..." Her mother's voice took on a wild, quiet, shy tone, one which was intense and wanting, needing her daughter's affection, or understanding. "Please."

[Karin]

Her mother's question, or statement, or whatever it was hung like a cloud in the air. It was so strange, in every sense. Karin felt both calm and ecstatically angry, all at the same time. She felt free and trapped. Like a bird or a fish or the wind. "Mother... What do you want. What do you want from me, do you want to keep me locked up for all my life, deprive me of my past and deprive me of things that might make me happy, because you value your own happiness above mine? Or do you want to let me grow, and discover my own life?"

"I'm angry! I'm angry at you mother! You want me to do something and be something which I don't understand, and I can't ever understand." Please, please, please.. "Please understand that I can't keep accepting how we were before, that nothing's going to be the same from now on, okay?"

The words were a torrent. She let every emotion colour her words, she was sad and angry and upset, pleading and demanding at the same time. The two women, one merely a child yet and the other in the prime of her life were both crying now, Karin with angry tears welling bitterly in the corners of her eyes and Alnya letting a soft caress of sad tears wash down her cheek in a mess as the droplets folded into the corner of her lips softly parted in a half-formed word.

It almost shocked Karin to see her mother like that, but she was spent, she didn't have any more energy all of a sudden. "Do you understand Mother?"

A few moments passed. And a few more passed, until the woman shook her head, as she said, "No. I don't understand. You... You don't believe me, and you don't trust me, even though I've told you everything you've ever needed to know..." She still doesn't get it. Karin shook her head, violently and with a sob welling like the unblockable tide in her throat.

She couldn't be there any more. She couldn't stand the lies, the truths, the pits of emotion that had opened up like traps in the spaces between her and her mother, the spaces that were growing ever wider. "Ma..." I can't stay here now. I can't... "I need to go!"

The girl glimsped her mother's shocked, tear-streaked face in the instant that she pushed open the door and ran out into the world. She didn't know where she was running, but she knew she needed to run, that she needed to go somewhere other than where she was.

It was no surprise when her feet drew her to the dock. The day was late, and the sun was setting over the darkened ocean as Karin slumped down onto the little beach she'd discovered, the area quiet and the sand under her feet was dusty and sharp. She peeled her shoes off, stripping down in the quiet dark light and slipping like a ghost into the cold embrace of the sea.

[Karin]

She swam. She swam and swam and swam, getting further from the shore and from her emotions which she'd stripped, like her clothes at the shore. The ocean lived around her, and she plunged under the depths, holding her breath as she opened her eyes and looked at the sunlight filtering like blood down into the top layers of the sea.

The pure, undamaged nature of the sea filled her with a timelessness as she drifted like driftwood on the tide. She leaned back, keeping an eye on the shore, as she floated there, naked and washed clean of any tears, of any anger.

Her blonde hair floated around her like a shroud, and her blue eyes gleamed with the setting light of Syna. Her skin grew cold, and the waves started to pick up ever so slightly as the wind blew cold and frigid, so the girl started swimming back to shore, her legs and body and mind tired and dull.

As she reached the beach, she slumped in the tide, seaweed wrapped around her leg, looking for all the world like she'd been dragged up from the seabed. Her skin was pale and she shivered as Snya dropped below the horizon. But there was something about the cleanness of the ocean which she didn't want to leave behind, something which she clung to with a ferociousness.

A sense of self-preservation kicked in, and automatically she started putting her clothes back on, shivering into the warmth and dragging herself, physically and mentally back to civilisation. I don't want to I don't want to I don't want to I don't want to. The girl had felt cleansed. Her talk, argument, call it what you will with her mother had felt so sudden and final, and she didn't know what to think of it, merely that she was angry, and that only the sea could calm her anger.

So, it was with a heavy heart that the girl dragged herself back to the house, her hair dripping, her body shivering and her mind closed and bolted down. She wasn't thinking, she refused to let herself think until she felt able. It was a way of coping, although she didn't realise that at the time.

She reached home, cold and lost and covered in sand. Her mother and father were there, and as she entered her mother ran to her and covered her in an embrace as her father looked on with judging eyes. She didn't see or recognise any of it.

The following bell was a blur as she was dryed off by her mother, and told off by her father. She let the words wash over her, retaining the cleansed feeling she'd felt at the seashore, breathing in the smell of the ocean in every breath. Her hearing was muffled, and as her mother and father realised that she wasn't responding, they lef her alone, and she fell into bed.

The last thought she thought before she slumped asleep was determined. One day I will be of the sea once more...

[Sayana]

Don't forget to edit/delete your grade request. If there's anything I may have missed, please PM me and I'll be happy to look into it.

 

Karin

Skills

• Observation: 3
• Investigation: 1
• Land Navigation: 1
• Rhetoric: 4
• Interrogation: 3
• Storytelling: 1
• Endurance: 5
• Running: 1
• Swimming: 1
• Planning: 1

Lores

• Event: Sinking streets of Alvadas (Spring 515)
• Blamed for theft due to being a Svefra
• Interrogation: Ensuring the target is alone
• Asking mother about past
• Mother's story of how and why she left the pod
• Life in a pod: "Unstable"
• Karin: Of the sea
• Alnya: Tried to keep Karin close for her own happiness
• The cleansed feeling of the ocean
• One day I will be of the sea once more

Comments: What a touching thread. It really sets things up for Karin's goal to become part of the sea once more and find (or even form) a pod for herself. I think it's ironic that Karin is in her mother's shoes right at the moment, except reversed. She no longer feels welcome on land and wishes to return to the sea. I wonder what happened to Karin's father and why he let Alnya take Karin away from him.


Your Grader,

Sayana

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