[Amunet] Darning the Hole

[Kyo]

87th of Fall, 515 AV
dawn

He was in coyote-form and he was running. Around and around in a tight circle, wearing the grass here thin. Plowing a new trail, or perhaps following, even now, the very oldest one he knew. The trouble was that he didn't know anything else. What was he supposed to do? He couldn't do anything, and he couldn't handle the pain. The coyote felt a dread inside him, mixing with the turmoil already there. It told him if he didn't do something new, something different he would run in circles until he went insane. Then the heart-sickness would come and take him. And this time it would not give him back.

He would die.

Even knowing that, it was hard to stop. This was all he knew. This was all he knew.
The coyote ran on.

---

Eventually he did the only other thing he could do, and threw himself to the ground. He lay on his side, panting and huffing and crying in the coyote way, and in the distance he could hear his dogs howling and mourning with him. Mourning for him. They knew as much as he did. They knew that if he kept going it would be the end. They had seen it the last time.

But what else could he do?

Anything, his human-mind said, Do anything.

He thought of his pain and got up. His legs told him to run. He wouldn't. He wouldn't. He shifted forms, reflecting the star light, and began to do the next-best thing to running, and at least it was something different, though not totally new.

He dug.

There was a pain inside him and he used his pitiful human-form hands to carve it into the dirt. First he tore up the grass and small bits of brush in a frenzy, throwing them away from him. Then he put his fingers to the earth
--it was hard with the winter-close weather-- and scratched into the surface like he was trying to tear what he was feeling right into the ground. As if he could make the ground, or maybe the sky looking down, understand this pain.

Eventually he found a flat-shaped rock that was better for digging and he dug with that. The hole got bigger. Not big enough. Bigger. Not big enough. Bigger.

Big enough he could lay down in it, cramped and curled on his side with the ragged edges standing over him, and the one he was burying there would have have fit quite snugly, for he had been much smaller when he had died.

When he had died.

Kyo lay in the ground and thought about the hole he had made. The hole he had. What a terrible thing it was. It was cold and misshapen. The edges weren't right, weren't even or pretty like a human-form would like, but they were right in a different way, looking how they should look. Clawed out. Wounded.

They were wounds. Deep and unhealing, and they showed that piece of him which had gone, had been ripped out with a scream; they showed it in a way he would not be able to explain in any amount of human words. That piece of him had used to hold the who he was. And now he didn't have it.

He laid in the hole, and the hole was inside him. It was all that was left.

---

The stars faded and the sun rose and still he lay in the grave he had dug for the one he loved. His boy. His other. Best friend. Brother. Protector. Bonded.

--

His boy would never move. That was the hardest part to think about. He would never eat. He would not see the sun and the sky and the clouds or the moon and the stars, not again, or the rising sun that Kyo saw now. He would not see this place that his coyote had come to, or any of the other places his coyote had been.

He would not feel this hurt. He would not share it. He would not know what it was like for the other to die and be gone. He would not have to dig a hole in himself and bury the memories, and then dig it back up when he realized what he had done. He would not know what it was like, what it was like to not know what to do, or to not know how to live, or to not know how to be alone.

Alone.
He would not be alone.
He would not be abandoned.
He would not cry by himself with no one else to feel it.

The coyote-man turned his face to the ground and wept.

[Amunet]

The coldness that settled in that fall was not just the coldness of the weather. It was the coldness of being alone. No pavilion, no family, nothing. She had the clan and her work. She had her animals and her little camp. Her camp was on the back edge of the ruby clan. That suited her. Her preparations for moving to winter grounds was arduous but she was determined to do this on her own. So much sorrow and pain had taken so much. She was determined for sorrow to not ride a fast horse behind her. Yet here she was out on the grass balling her eyes out.

No one to talk to. No one to vent to. No one to fight with. No one. She was feeling pretty sorry for herself. Amunet would have done it all over again. She regretted nothing. The pain of being alone without the close knit tight family was all too real. That coarsed through her like a hot knife to butter. She sat on the could ground in the gold and browns of the grass. Her strider was not far off. Those knees up and her arms over her knees as her was on those folded arms and her body shook with raking sobs.

She didn’t dare do this in camp or around people. She held up the brave face and the stoic expression she did her work. She worked and worked. Came to her little camp, took care of her business and animals, and bothered no one. Today she felt everything. Everything hit her like a ton of stone and she felt every single grain of sand of it. The anguished heart screamed for a why. Amunet knew why.

Maybe it was why did they not listen? Why did they turn away from what was plain to see? Why couldn’t she simply accept her fate? Why did every single particle of being scream, No? Why did she have to be this way? Why did they have to be that way? Today was just one big Why.

The digging that went on nearby went largely unnoticed as she was rather busy sobbing. She was in fact not paying attention to anything at all. A pack of wolves could come up and she wouldn’t notice. What would Rak’keli do? She pleaded for some guidance, something to give her strength so that she can stop sobbing. Where do you find the strength to move on and stop crying? She looked up into the coolness of the day and desperately searched for some kind of light at the end of her dark tunnel.

[Kyo]

Kyo lifted his head from the ground. It seemed to take a lot of effort. He pushed himself up on arms that had gone useless from too much digging. His hands hurt. His body hurt. He just wanted to lay here for a long time and do nothing.

But he had heard something.

Slowly, slowly he got up. He had his human-form pants with him and he pulled them on. They were ragged, decaying things and for the first time he felt how very cold out it was. He hadn't noticed before. He crossed his arms over his chest and looked at the ground. At the hole he had dug there.

Then he heard the noise again, and the dead heart leapt in his chest.

Crying. He was certain. It was the sound of crying.

His dull body came abruptly back to life. The cold hit him like an invigorating blast of wind and he catapulted from the edge of the hole, running as fast as he could, head turning frantically. His feet were bare and rocks drove into his unprotected soles, perhaps even cutting him. He didn't care. All he knew was he had to find the source of the crying.

He had to find it because it must be his boy.

It didn't make sense, not even to him. His boy was dead. Dead. He could not be here. He could not be crying. The bond was gone. Kyo knew that.

But who else could it be? Kyo had lain there on the ground --helpless, wretched, useless-- because he was alone, because no one else felt that pain. And now here was another. Here was another. He could hear their sadness floating in on the snow. His boy. It had to be. It had to be.

He had never been so happy. Now the bitter tears turned to ones of joy. His eyes blurred up and he let out a sudden, bursting laugh. He stumbled towards the source of the noise and found--

--and found, for an instant, his boy, indistinct through the tears in his eyes. Still, though the form was all wrong, he was convinced. He went faster towards it, reaching out, grabbing the person up from where they were sitting in the yellowed grass. His arms crushed the person against him in a fierce hug--

--and found the young woman, the red-haired girl, where his boy should be.

Kyo held that pose for a few long moments, not understanding the sudden switch his mind had made. It was not his boy. It was not.

Realization hit him. He froze up, body going rigid. He opened his mouth, as much in surprise as anything, and then shut it again. Awkwardly he let the girl go, stepping back.

Now that he could see her, could she she was not who he'd thought she was, the sadness encompassed him again, and a new feeling came with it: one of shame for having stupidly fallen for his heart's evil tricks. Thinking his boy was here, thinking he had come back for his lost coyote. Stupid, stupid. He fisted a hand and pressed it to his stomach, unable to look the girl in the eye. His shame told him to go away; his loneliness made him unable to move any further back. So he hung where he was, posture undecided, staring down at the ground.

It was difficult to choke out the words, but he felt he needed to apologize for grabbing her in his misplaced display of affection. "I-I'm sorry. I come here... I hear--" But he didn't have a word for crying, or even for sadness. So he gestured one hand quickly, to indicate her wet face as if to explain. "Hear you. I look for... other. A boy. Not here. Not here." The last pair of words stuck in his throat, barely making it out. Then he had to raise one hand to mop at his watering eyes. A little more clearly he said, "Sorry sorry sorry." One of the apologies --the final one-- was spoken in harsh, slow Pavi. If she did not understand the rest, then she at least might understand that.

[Amunet]

Awkward and weird was not the word. Actually Amunet could find no word for this situation. One moment she was sobbing, the next moment she was in someone’s arms being hugged tightly. Her tear streaked face was laying against a strong, dirty chest. Her frame dwarfed by the lean form. Her heart raced as just as suddenly she was let go. The stark realization on both ends left the silence inbetween them deafening. She did not trust herself to speak.

Her compassionate nature took over as it was very difficult to be angry with the abash and ashamed expression the words were coupled with. Amunet’s common was good enough to pick up the broken common and the even worse Pavi. The young woman smoothed her garments in front of her in an action to more sooth her own frazzled nerves then to put any sort of order to her clothing. The redheaded girl looked down as the sadness returned. “its ok.” She said in a quiet way. “no harm done.’

“I am sorry if you was disturbed.” The girl said in slow common that was accented softly. She had thought she was alone. Sorrow belonged to being alone. She can let go of the pent up emotions she had and spill it on the ground as if it was her own life’s blood with no one to see her and her shameful display. Yet here she was showing her weakness. The Drykas was supposed to be strong. They were supposed to be these stalwart race and not blubbering like a fool on the dieing fall grasses. Her own shame marked her face.

“Can I help you?” She offered in common as it was the only thing she could think to say. Here he was shirtless with something barely considered pants out in the cold in the middle of nowhere grass. The little woman couldn’t remember seeing him around Endrykas, but then between fighting the arranged marriage, work and preparing for winter she had little time to notice new people coming in and out of the city.

Her eyes looked up into his as she tried to fix her face to something more stoic. Her efforts to borrow strength on an emotional tank that had nothing in it left her stoic expression coming up more sorrowed stone then stoic. Her feelings and emotions were as raw as the growing cold. It gnawed at her center as the cold winter she felt at her back in as much as the cold streak of fate racing towards her on a fast horse.

[Kyo]

She didn't seem angry at him for grabbing her before. She seemed sad. Sad as he was.

Could she feel that way? He wasn't certain anyone could feel as bad as this. Even now he wanted to crumple down. It was only the membrane-thin, inherent expectance of her gaze that held him up. This girl knew that people didn't fall on the ground and twist and howl like a coyote in pain. They stood still and calm, for the most part, and they spoke in their measured, insignificant words.

Words like sad.

He hadn't realized he had shaped the sign in Pavi until his hand did it again, this time with more emphasis: sad. Yes, sad. That was what he was. What she was. How could such an emotion, such a loss, fit into that tiny, barren word?

But it did. Or at least it tried. Much as the mountain of grief tried to mash itself to conform to their fragile, earthly bodies.

"I'm"sad, he said, signing the second word. "And you are too." Can I help you? she had asked. No. Nothing could help him, not now that his boy was gone.

No... but also yes. Because when he was here with her he was not so deathly alone. There were blue eyes there, holding him in place, not letting him fall down. There was someone to think about, not himself, he didn't want to think of himself and of the hurt. There was her. "Yes. You can help. I... I'm Kyo, and I need... I need a friend." Someone to be a break from the pain, if only for a little while. He just needed a little while.

He just needed her. Suddenly he was shivering. Cold. He dared look up from the ground and her eyes were waiting to meet his, to hold him together in a way he by himself could not. Only she was so sad, the sorrow shining out of her, especially in the eyes. He didn't want that. If she was sad then he would be too, and he wouldn't be able to... leave behind the hurt, for a while.

"Don't be"sad, he said, doing the odd mix of Common-Pavi that he had, those few inadequate words. "I... I need..." What did he need, besides a friend? Closeness. He needed her to be there for him, to help him like she had asked, even though he didn't know her. Before his boy had left him he would not have asked; he wouldn't have imposed. And though he asked now, his voice was still very uncertain. "Will you hold... to me, like I did to you...? I-If you want, only if you want. So we not be"sad. "We be... warm, and together. If we hold, you and me... we be"happy...? As he fumbled through the question, his bare arms held out slightly as if asking in their own way, just waiting. His expression was almost childlike, sadness and hope and need.

A hug. That was his request, though only if she wanted to give it freely. She had asked if she could help, and maybe that, like they had unwittingly done before, would help the both of them. She was not his boy, but she was hurting and he was hurting. That was the same, and not the same. Maybe it would make the aching inside stop, even for the length of a full breath.

[Amunet]

His request was odd as his actions. The circumstances were so far beyond the norm for Drykas that she chalked it up to him being an Outsider of some kind. That did not matter as he seemed to be depressed. It was in as much as she was depressed. She took a slow breath in and exhaled even slower as he was trying to speak. The young man being an Outsider mattered not in her eyes.

His Pavi was even more broken as his common. She didn’t say a word as he tried to explain what he needed, what he wanted, what he craved in his sadness. The past was etched on his body and face like a well-traveled trail of wagon wheels across ruts along the mud and dirt. Those gentle blue eyes traveled those tracks as they softened even more. Those stumbled words that some would find offense in their broken meaning, the young Drykas woman pushed aside the surface scramble they were presented in. Like some kind of jigsaw puzzle that refused to meet the ends, those too were pushed aside and swept to get to the bottom of the matter.

The woman didn’t understand most of what he was trying to say as it was a jumbled mess. Even the common was jumbled and she had a good basic understanding of it. The man was hurting, that much was certain. That much was read easily and readily as it was a clearly marked trail. Her hand slowly and gently moved up and put two small fingers on his lips before her arms pulled him into a fierce hug that was meant to drive away those ugly marks on the trail that his life seemed to contain.

Her diminutive form held strength in it that was hard honed by a hardy people. It held the compassion of a person in service to her people. It held in it a hope. Even in her own sadness that she allowed herself from time to time of her own troubles, the act of helping someone of their own troubles wiped hers away for a time. It is her very nature that she gladly soaked up the young man’s sadness. It was within that touch of grace that she as gifted with that he would feel a warmth, a sense of refreshing. The depression and sadness maybe lightened as the inner warmth and light within the girl sought to touch the young man.

There was no malice or expectations of anything, but to see him stronger for it, to see him more of a whole person. A whole person could walk tall and move on. A whole person could become something to benefit the people as a whole and find fulfillment within his own life. She didn’t say much as she held him closely for whatever amounts of ticks it took. She didn’t even count the ticks, it didn’t matter. The winds of Zulrav circled around as the grace that spoke to her, found itself reaching to the young sad man to attempt to give him something whole to hang on to.

There is something about healing. Sometimes a healer needs to heal to find that she also can heal. In her limited understanding of it, that is what she found to be true as a spark of light pushed away her own sadness. After whatever length of time it took for him to feel better, she would gently push back and look up into his face. It was perhaps she was thankful to him for letting her be who she was, the healer she needs to be. “I am Amunet. “ She would offer up in a quiet silken voice in common. “Is that better?” She then asked in the same concern she had asked if he needed help.

[Kyo]

He didn't let himself pretend that she was someone else. He didn't let himself close his eyes and think that his boy would have grown up and been at least this tall, at least this warm, at least this steady and good.

He couldn't. He wanted to, desperately. He wanted to pretend.

But he had pretended once and hidden from the pain, and that had only made it all the worse when he finally accepted it.

His boy, his bondmate, was dead.

The hug lasted long. Probably too long for the red-haired young woman, but Kyo found he could not let go. He was shuddering, trying not to cry on her shoulder and stain her clothes; he was careful, careful as he could be, not wanting to lean too hard or squeeze too tight or clutch with his fingers on her back in a way that might scare her.

Mostly he kept forgetting that she might not be as fragile as he felt.

Eventually he had to let go, though he could have held onto her warmth and strength forever. There was something about her. She was better than him. She was sad, yes, but not sad like he was. She didn't let it do the things that he let it do.

But he didn't see how he could make it stop.

She seemed to be searching his face after, and so he gave a trembling smile, swiping at his red eyes with a clumsy, shaking hand. He focused on her words, trying to make them more important than the pain he felt all the time. Trying not to think about how he might be like this for the rest of his life, no matter how long or short it was.

"I am Amunet. Is that better?"

Yes. At least he was not alone. No. Because this pain couldn't be fixed so easily. It went deep. Deeper into him than even he himself went.

But he nodded, wiping at his eyes again, trying to get them to stop. "Amunet. Um. You... you care if I" stay "with you? Please? You are good and I... I fear... me." He didn't know if that made any sense, but as long as she didn't just leave him, cold and alone out here again with that feeling that he had lost, not only lost but been the loser, as if somehow all the bad that had happened was his fault... well, it might not make sense to other people but maybe it wouldn't have to.

Not knowing what else to do, just knowing he didn't want her to leave, he said as normally as he could, "I can help you? If you need. For," he meant to say because, but couldn't find the word, "you help me." Thanks came a bit more steadily.

[Amunet]

There was something so deeply sad about Kyo. She wanted to help it. Though the grace of her touch eased it to some extent, there was something deeper. Death to the Drykas was common. Not that its felt any less by them, but they had forged habits to move forward and survive. This man had not learned that. Rather it was a death or some other reason for his deep sadness the girl found herself nodding to him when he asked if he could stay with her.

The compulsion to help him was strong. The Healer didn’t need the compulsion to encourage her to help him, she would have done it anyway. It gave her additional impetus. Maybe a bit of warmth, a place to sleep and kindness would do wonders for this man. “Come, my camp is not far. “ Her hand would beckon him to follow her as she moved towards what seemed to be more open grass.

Up a knoll there was a little camp that had two tents with a tarp raised in the middle over a central fire that half was readied for cooking. At the moment a kettle rested to the side. One tent was set up for the strider and donkeys. The other was for her and her other two companions to sleep in. A light gold streak came bounding up along with a darker goldish streak that was spotted. The light gold streak belonged to a Silkena hound who displayed happiness to see the red head. Amunet ruffled the fur on the top of her head. “This is Camile,Kyo.” The hound pranced off to the side wagging her tail at the stranger.

The goldish spotted streak proved to be a half grown hunting cat. She was a bit more cautious but greeted her mistress from the other side giving the man a suspicious expression as Amunet caressed the cat in turn as she came up. “This is Leia, Kyo.” Leia took her accustomed position alongside the red head as Camile went bounding back into camp.

The red head placed the kettle more onto the fire as she stirred it up and added a bit more wood. “Do you have any other clothing?” The concerned expression on her face was evident as winter comes up, even in winter grounds the guy was going to catch a death of sickness without proper precautions. She sat down on a stump as she thought of his needs. It would be handy to have someone here to watch the camp. It would lessen her worries. People might talk but they already did that plenty as is.

[Kyo]

OOCWhoops. Sorry. ^_^' When Kyo asked if he could stay with Amunet, I think he meant for like the day, like for right now, not stay with her as in live with her. I probably should have been more clear with that.

I wouldn't impose him upon you by asking for him to live with Amunet IC unless I'd already cleared it with you OOC.

"Come, my camp is not far."

Kyo followed behind, scenting before they actually reached the place the small two-cluster tent that was Amunet's camp. It was strange to him, a few new things to think about, and so he thought of those and not of the sad-thoughts still trying to make him bad --unfit-- for human company.

The first thing he noticed was that her camp was pretty far out in the grass, perhaps further than most. But there could be many reasons for that. Maybe she liked being alone, though he hoped not because then maybe she wouldn't want to be around him. Maybe she liked hunting and wanted to stay out further where prey might be closer. Maybe it was something else.

The next things he noticed were the animals: the peculiar couple of horses-that-weren't-horses, with big ears and strange tails, and the cat-thing and strange-dog.

These were animals he wasn't certain he had much seen before. The horse-things were ones that he sometimes saw around Endrykas, as was the cat, though he had never been so near to one before. The strange-dog was thinner than any he had seen before, built lean and quick, and was light on her feet in a way that Kyo's dogs, who were huge and muscled and made for hard hunting and fighting, could never be.

Greeting, he signed to the dog, which Amunet had called Camile, and he reached out a hand for her to sniff if she wanted his scent, though he would not try to pet her.

Amunet was doing something with the fire in that close way that humans had, making him nervous --why would they want to ever get so close?-- and Kyo settled nearby in a crouch, wary and distant from the flames, though not as bad as he might once had been before coming to this fire-fueled tent-city. Still, he knew what fire could do to a body as well as any animal. His coyote-girl had been killed by wildfire in the burned forest during the storm. And he had burned his fingers before messing with what humans called the flint and steel.

The good --and bad-- thing about fire was that it was so warm. This warmth was different than having fur, the heat being more immediate and one-sided, touching his chest but not his back. He huddled a little closer as snow settled lightly on his head and shoulders.

Snow. It made him think too much of his old home. The home where his boy had been before it had all gone bad.

Before his thoughts could go back to the bad-place that might still end up killing him, he tried to think of something, anything else. Thankfully Amunet saved him by asking, “Do you have any other clothing?”

He was quick to reply. "Not here. I have other clothing far from here, in another city named Riverfall. I didn't need it to come here. If I need to, I be coyote." He shrugged. "The cold doesn't hurt so bad if I'm coyote, only if I'm a person."

He didn't know if she would understand what he was talking about when he said he was coyote, and so in a flicker-flash of white-then-white-again light he shifted where he crouched: first to coyote, looking silly dressed in a pair of ragged pants, perhaps startling both her and her dog and cat, and then back to human just as fast, showing his other form in the span of a blink.

"Speaking in Common" --poor-to-basic
"And in Vani{descriptors}" --basic
"And in Tukant [implications, descriptors]" --poor
"And in Pavi" grassland sign --poor

[Amunet]

(( OOC: its ok. Amunet would assist or help anyway. She doenst know he has somewhere else to live. ))

Camile was more accepting than the hunting cat Leia. Leia soon ignored the strange smelling creature and laid down on her mistress’s bedroll. Camile stayed close with still a wagging tail to the stranger. Amunet continued as she placed more water in the kettle and put it on the resurged fire. She turned around to the blinding white light she had to shield her eyes from and there was a coyote. It was startling at first but this was not her first encounter with a Kelvic. The wolf one was blatant and bold about it. Kyo was at least polite. “Oh, I see. “ The little woman caught her breath and smiled. “well still you will need warmth even if you have the fur. Would you like a cup of tea?”

With little to go on and even less of what to speak of, that was her safe go to, tea. “It is no trouble and it would warm you. “ Her head did the unaccustomed tilt down to speak to the coyote as she stood still. The sheltered little spot she had managed to create with the tarp did guide the breeze around or up and over the tarp set up over the cooking fire. It was a good thing she was wearing wool.

Where do you go from here? The snow fell in slow downward spirals in large flakes. It was beautiful in how it laid upon where ever it landed. It seemed to melt as soon as it touched the red head though a few managed to linger on the longer parts of her hair. The girl smiled encouragingly at the coyote. “So, do you have a place to stay? “ For all she knew the coyote Kelvic had a cave or something. She couldn’t bear the thought of this person being cold and hungry rather he was a stranger or not. There was still a push to help this young man. He was hurting, but in a way that she could sooth but not heal. There had to be a way to help him mind this hurt.

“you can stay here for the night if you need to?” She inquired. “That is if you don’t mind sleeping with Camile. “ The hunting cat usually slept with Amunet and honestly between the two, she was warm at night. Not that it was proper company as some Drykas would rather see her with a husband, but it was her choice.