Solo Ignition

[Eosi]

22nd Day of Winter 515 AV

'The river must sacrifice itself to the sea eventually, but what lands will it touch in its meanderings?'

There was darkness in the Within, freighting her with yearning to revisit the past. Eosi sighed, fixated on the faint lines of her hands. There she envisioned the long roads of destiny, wondering where they led. She furrowed her brow, closed her eyes. There was no other sound in the space save for the tattoo of her own heartbeat, no other feeling except her own contemptible weakness.

Her teeth worried the flesh of the inside of her cheek. It had been years since she’d seen or heard from him. There was no real reason to continue this same line of questioning. It always began with that day, more specifically that morning. No matter what she did, Eosi constantly revisited his behavior, looking for any signs she may have missed. But no matter how deeply she looked into the situation, there was never enough evidence to suggest he was leaving her. There was nothing there that could provide a reason as to why she’d spent the last three years alone. Nothing. Instead, she was subject to the passage of time, walking those same lines as they appeared on her hand, over and over, until their met their merciful end.

At her urging, a thin trail of gaseous Res began to waft up from the palm of her left hand. It was a coalescence of vermillion, scarlet and gold. Eosi got the sense that it was unspooling from her very essence, as if her djed were a coil and this was but one of the strands. As a novice, it required effort and concentration. The decision to produce it was easy. The act of influencing it to behave as she wished was much more difficult.

Her eyes narrowed. Pearls of sweat began to form at her brow as she gathered more and more of it into the air just above her hand. She focused on attracting it into a single place, envisioning a vacuum of air where she desired, thereby causing it to behave as such. The plume of red and gold doubled in on itself as it grew larger, fed by thin line of gas. There was a dull ache forming just behind her eyes. Soon, she had a lopsided sphere of Res floating a few inches in the air.

Eosi ceased producing Res. Instead, she contemplated the colors, the feeling of it as it hovered above her hand. This was the distillation of her very essence into a gas. These were her colors. They reminded her of the long hour at dawn preceding Syna’s ascent into the sky. They were beautiful. But not worthy, not enough. This soul was designed for sight, for light and the warm rays of the sun. But did it burn brightly enough for fire?

Tears stung her eyes. It was difficult to maintain her grasp on the Res, to keep it stationary. It gave a little hiccup in an attempt to fly apart. Eosi bore down with the force of her anger, establishing an invisible anchor at the center that drew it forcefully inward. As it came back together, the sphere grew denser and the surface evened out.

Her feelings burned with impunity. With some effort, she prompted the ball of Res to lift a few more inches, just a bit higher in the air. It was beautiful, even in the dim gradient of the light. Eosi pushed it an arm’s distance with her power of her will and watched the Res respond sluggishly. It was hard to command it and keep it together. The whole process was an exercise in control.

It hurt. Not just in the physical sense, but on the emotional and mental planes as well. Eosi felt so pedestrian. Despite all her devotion to Ivak, it was clear she had been deemed unworthy of his notice, not the correct tool for the task. This could be the only explanation. Most of the people in the realm paid heed to the Gods. So few were ever recognized. The fact that she’d earned the notice of even one of them should have been enough for her. So why did this trouble her so much?

Because it did not make sense. None of it did.

She mopped her forehead with the backside of her hand. Slowly and carefully she moved the Res in a line, up and down over and over again. The pace was maddeningly slow, more so than she remembered. Then again, it was easier to concentrate with a light spirit. Now Eosi could not see the way any longer. Her path was veiled in darkness.

The harder she worked, the harder it became. After a few passes of the Res up and down, she could hardly stand it any longer. She envisioned a small eruption, the kind that shook the earth and razed cities to the ground. The power and intensity of her anger poured into the transmutation, causing it to burst into a bright corona of light and flame. Eosi felt her heart skip for a moment. Her throat was dry and her breath stuck.

It burned brightly. The fire devoured all it could, licking at the space with greedy tongues of flame. But with nothing to sustain it, in just a few moments time the fireball guttered, leaving an tiny billow of smoke behind.

The tears that had once threatened to fall now spilled openly down her cheeks. Her head throbbed mercilessly. It’d been too long since she’d practiced. Eosi felt like a piano that had fallen out of tune. She felt as if the fire were a metaphor. While Leo had been the river, she was but a single shore. His waters brushed past for a brief moment before rushing ever onward, establishing a connection that would continue to live on in memory. It was a meeting of the cardinal and the mutable, the unchanged and the ever-changing.

Eosi cursed. She was empty again.

[Eosi]

Are you hurting the one you love?

It was midafternoon. She'd taken some time to eat and rest before coming back again. The ache behind her eyes had receded, leaving only emptiness behind. Eosi was left again, staring at her hands. They were empty and idle. So was she.

What else did she have to fill the void but action? Her hands dropped back to her sides. She peered unseeing through the thick veil of darkness. Even if there was no meaning to her life, that still did not prevent her from putting one foot in front of the other. Eosi did not need meaning to move, if only for the sake of moving. She would not simply lay down and die.

She approached the plain stone slab that Xira had left after his training. It was flat and broad; perfect for what she wanted. Closing her eyes, she conjured up images of things she knew to be gelatinous. They were like liquid, but not quite. Eosi drew on her will in the same way she did before, drawing Res out of the downturned palms of her hands, to drip onto the naked surface.

Only, nothing happened. The sensation that usually accompanied the production of Res simply wasn't there. She frowned and her eyes opened.

The stone sat untouched save for one tiny drop of gel substance, winking up at her like a tiger's eye in the dim light.

Anger boiled up from the pit of her stomach. She poured the feeling into the little bead of Res and it burst into a brilliant tongue of flame, causing a brief wave of pleasure to wash over her. Eosi hadn't felt that before; she hadn't felt that way at all, not since she'd been with Leo.

His words suddenly rang out through her mind.

'Usually, it's a gradual thing that gets worse as you keep casting. For most people, there's dizziness and vertigo, followed by bleeding, convulsions... and death if you keep casting. By far the most obvious tell-tale sign is euphoria, though. The more you want to cast, the more you crave it, the less you should do it.'

And crave she did. Eosi did not move, but stood over the stone. She focused on her breath as it sawed in and out of her lungs. For seasons her life had been on rails, moving mindlessly from destination to destination. Her heart was empty. The sudden feeling of joy was like a drug. To cast now was more dangerous than ever.

Grief coiled tightly in her gut. She felt so many things. Eosi seethed with emotion; it roiled inside her. So why then was this very thing, the thing which laid at the heart of Ivak's domain, not enough? What made her unworthy to be carry out his divine mission?

Why did Leo leave her behind?

Eosi allowed the feelings well up inside her. To Hai with it, then. Showing an extraordinary lack of restraint she put her hands out, eyes blazing. Even just a drop of Res would be enough. Eosi envisioned the same tiny bead of gel. She tried to imagine it passed through the pores of her hands, from the lines of destiny and onto the stone.

She waited. Nothing happened. She strained. Nothing happened. Eosi shrieked quietly under her breath.

Nothing happened.

There was nothing in the room that was malleable enough to kick or punch without breaking a bone. She recognized that. But it did nothing to prevent her fury. Eosi gripped the roots of her hair in her hands and pulled, causing pain to streak through her scalp. She dug her nails into her own skin, leaving tiny indentations. She pushed until she drew blood.

'At times of peace, the warlike man attacks himself.'

Only there was no peace. Eosi felt her throat knot and knew the tears were coming. They only fueled the upheaval.

Eosi sank to her knees and cried. She could not so much as cast a spell. She could not keep love from leaving. She could not, could not, could not. There was no potential in her. No ability. It'd been so long since she'd felt strong and capable, the way she had in her youth. She was a shadow, a false impression. Eosi wrapped her arms around her abdomen, to keep from flying apart.

She'd never broken down, not like this. In three years, she'd had moments of sorrow and even weeping, but it'd never come to a boiling point.

This was worship. This thought injected itself unbidden. For so long she'd kept a tight control on her emotions. Eosi had been so embarassed, so ashamed by the denial implict in their actions that she hadn't allowed herself to truly feel the pain.

So she wept on the floor, allowing every emotion to run through her. Years of prayer, the day under the tree and the night spent in her bedroom.

'Whispers. Wonder. Walking. Riding. Sweat. Colors. Skies. Battles. Shine. Breeze. Skin.'

The memories rippled through her. She allowed her feelings to do as they liked. Every remembered moment brought a fresh wave of suffering. Eosi could still see the way his face changed when he smiled. The inflection of his voice as it wrapped around every syllable. The way he punctuated a smart remark. How he was dry, intellectual and severe one moment then boyish and lighthearted the next.

Leo. She'd loved him and he left her. She did not know why. She did not need to. All that she knew was that he was gone and she suffered. It was not good or bad, but simply was.

Fire did not mean to hurt, but it consumed until there was nothing left to sustain it. That was the nature of what it was. Fire appeared through a certain set of conditions. Oxygen, substance and a spark. But once the job was done, it left just as quickly. To deny that was to deny the fire. Before she understood but did not comprehend.

Something changed within her. These abstractions could not last until the emotion had run its course. She laid on the cool stone floor and poured out her suffering. She wept until she was spent.

[Eosi]

"King of Flame,
kindle in me the spark of living,
grant me sorrow
endow me with joy,
that boundless gift you've given to
all living things.

Master of Fire,
stoke whirlwinds of destruction
grant me strength to consume the darkness
to wreathe purity in
tempestuous flame.

Champion of Ashes,
please endow me with the power
to smolder where other flames may falter,
in service to you, until the end
of days."

She'd been on the floor for some time now, though how long she couldn't say. It'd been a little while since the last time she'd spoken the prayer, but she'd not forgotten. Eosi did not move but rather stayed there, face resting upon the cool stone. She allowed the meaning of her these words to wash over her.

They were a prayer taught to her by her aunt and uncle, who'd spent their lives in fire's fellowship. There was a certain irony in that they were destroyed by the liberation of the very thing they'd given to follow. But to them, it would have been the ideal death. Both of them would have sacrificed themselves to free Ivak ten times over.

Eosi had lost something more valuable than love. Seeing things for what they were, she had an opportunity to get it back.

Upon reflection, having learned that Ivak had finally been set free, she must have come to expect some gesture of favor. But expectations were a dangerous thing. They borne out of pride, entitlement. Her Aunt and Uncle went their whole lives without being marked, expecting nothing. Even believing he was dead, they gave themselves over as vessels in the event they were wrong.

To become a flame she'd need the right conditions. Those conditions were not for her to decide.

Eosi rose up from the floor, feeling lighter. She brushed the dust slowly from her front of her blouse. Flame existed for a purpose. Out of all the elements, it wasn't fixed like any of the others. Flame came into existence when it was time and slipped away just as quickly, leaving nothing but smoke and ash.

Pride belonged to earth, but not to a flame. If she wanted to serve him, there could be no room for attachment. Not to his favor, nor her own life. If one day she were called on, it would be to die, as all things inevitably did. It was time that she made peace with it.

In the meantime, she would act.

Eosi approached the stone again. Only this time, her eyes were drawn to the brazier flickering in the background.

'Work smarter, Barlowe,' she intimated.

She approached the flames as they writhed in their metallic bower. Eosi smiled in admiration. Their vermillion glow cast dancing shadows across her skin. Fire could not exist for long. Just like with Leo, the best things were short lived.

The pain welled up inside her, but this time she would subliminate it. There was something just as beautiful in joy as there was in suffering.

Eosi opened her mouth and from between her lips, the resplendent tendrils of her djed crept out before her, whorling inward into a central space. They came so easily now. The ache returned to her eyes but less abruptly this time. The colors were so very beautiful, especially bathed in the light. There was a little voice inside her that urged her to produce more.

For the colors, it suggested innocently.

Also, the whispers. I have very rarely heard them, but sweet whispers are the worst. They tell you things, things you must never believe. They would have you do things. I think they are a part of you that you keep hidden from yourself, but still... they lie."

Her mouth snapped shut. The voice was not happy about that, but Eosi ignored it.

This would be it for the day. She was just starting out, so it was important to know her limits. Still the urging, pleading, craving for just a little more was difficult. It was very much like the Temple of Nikali, this feeling of addiction.

Feeling of any kind was her power. She did not need to be marked by Ivak for that. She could use the pain to muscle on through. Eosi willed the res shimmering before her into two seperate spheres rather than one. They weren't perfect; truth be told, one could hardly call them spheres, but they'd suffice.

Just as Leo had once taught her, rather than combusting them she drew the pre-existing flame. It was easier, required less energy and would make her less prone to overgiving in the beginning. The fire from the brazier leapt up into each one, blazing. The res was consumed and the two spheres crackled, side by side.

Bringing her will to bear, she merged them. They ponderously moved in toward one another until there was no telling where either began. Two flames that merged could never be seperated, even if they were pulled apart again. Their essence was the same. One could hardly cut off their arm and call it a seperate entity.

They burned together, sweetly. Eosi poured her pain into the conflagration. The sight was beautiful, more beautiful than the brazier. Sweat dewed on her hands, her neck. They smoldered. With a trace of oily black smoke they guttered and at last -- they died.

It was done. Shivers ran down her spine, giving her gooseflesh. Sharp shards of pleasure pierced her brain. Eosi felt very tired suddenly. Her legs were so weak that she could barely stand.

She sank to her knees, then the floor. That'd be it for the day. The whispers hissed acidly. They plead, persuaded and cajoled but she did not listen to them.

"Leo," she said with a smile. Eosi sank into unconsciousness right there in the Within, fever dreams swimming in her brain.

[Faradae]

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