Closed What's In A Soul?(Nivel)

[Alexander Faircroft]

35th Spring 516AV
9:52AM
Description "Alex Common" Alex thoughts "Myrian" "Fratava" "Others"

Alex sat amongst the darkness of his room. The early morning rolling through, the other squires having already headed out to do their days work and Alex himself had huddled over the table in the centre of the room again. The events still fresh in his mind and nothing fading from his sight. He felt lost. Adrift in a sea of never ending darkness. He closed his eyes and hunched over the table. His head pressed into his inter laced fingers. Failure, failure, failure, failure. Killer, killer, killer, killer. Murderer, murderer, murderer, murderer. Give up. Give up. Alex shook his head his breaths shallow light.

He hadn’t eaten anything in two days his stomach growled his mind raced his body hurt and his soul wept. Shallow shaky breaths all he could muster. All he could manage. He’d turned away help, Irathia’s help. He’d turned away contact from anyone. He was lost. Drifting within the bottomless abyss that was his own self-doubt his own feeling of failure. He slumped over the table. His finger nails digging into his scalp. In a fit of fury and frustration his hands raced across his head. Hs pressed his jaw tight and whimpered softly. Please, no please. I didn’t. You did. I know but I don’t want to. Face it. No. Yes. NO. YES! I don’t want too. You have too.

Alex slammed his fist on the table the wood creaking and shifting beneath the force. The abject darkness swirling around him the smell of stale bread hanging in the air. Within the darkness a soft creak broke the silence. A small light filled the room. Another visitor. Another person trying to pull him out of this to try to make him see that it wasn’t his fault to have him cope. He hissed out the words like a man desperate to deal with things. Like someone wanting to be left to cope by himself.

“Leave. Please.” Two words spoken like a man who’d fallen apart at the seams. His resolve broken his will severed. He’d broken the promise he’d made to himself and sunk into a world he never wanted to enter. “Go away. I don’t want the company.” As he spoke his eyes were still closed. But had he opened them he would have noticed that the door never moved further open than that small crack. That trickle of light. Perhaps that small splinters creator could be the voice of light that pulled him from this abyss?

[Nivel]

It was a cheerful spring day when Nivel pulled herself out of her tiny shoe bed and headed out towards the training grounds. She didn’t have much of a plan of what she would do there but she was sure there would be some new skill to train or exciting fight to partake in once she got there. She skipped, cartwheeled and danced the entire way down the stone hallways on her merry way to the Training grounds. She gave each squire and knight that passed her a gleeful greeting that brought a smile to most of them. She wasn’t sure why she was in such an exceptionally good mood, but she felt it had something to do with spring. The pycon knew she could finally go out into the forests and collect her herbs and climb trees without worrying about the cold. The training grounds was also a place she had been neglecting since it was one of the few places in storm hold without a roof.

She was almost to the grounds when she over heard the conversation of two squires ahead of her. Their words were a bit hushed but Nivel could still make out what they were saying.
“yah..he hasn’t been eating for two days.”
“wow really? what happened?”
“No one seems to be sure but I heard he did something really bad.”
“How bad?”
There was silence and Nivel took the opportunity to creep over to get a better idea who they might be talking about.
“You think he’ll even stay a squire if that’s true”
“Alex seems like a nice gent but he’s off his rocker right now. Probably won't stay a squire for long”
Nivel heard the name and froze in shock and hoped to haramous this poor soul these two squires weren't talking about the Alex she knew.
“Who are you two talking about?” Nivel appeared from the shadows, her voice was full of concern. They didn't bother lying to the pycon and told her that it was Alexander Faircroft and the only thing after that Nivel could think to ask was where she could find him.
“He won’t talk to you, he’s not talking to anyone.” one of the squires called back as Nivel rushed to the barracks but the pycon wouldn’t listen.


Slipping through the crack of the door, she could see his huddled form in the darkness. She almost couldn’t believe that the cheerful man she knew was now this quivering mass of pain. Alex startled her when he bashed his fist into a bench and she let out a tiny squeak that alerted him to her presence.
“…but I want to sit with you” Nivel replied softly as crept over and placed herself right next to him. She huddled into a ball as if she was joining in on a game he was playing.
“I’ve heard you aren’t eating..did they run out of oranges?”

Credit for Boxcode goes to Estrellir Konrath

[Alexander Faircroft]

Description "Alex Common" Alex thoughts "Myrian" "Fratava" "Others"

Even after his polite, or at least as polite as he could muster attempts to get the visitor to leave he heard a small voice. Tiny, soft, light. He recognized it. Nivel. The small pycon he’d met in the archives some time ago. She just wanted to sit with him? In this blackness? Alex sighed if he couldn’t get her to leave he was going to have to let her. Still the strangeness with her continued to roll on and her question, if someone could call it that, was about him eating. He could hear his stomach growling as she mentioned it and then a comment about an orange. Alex shook his head.

“No I haven’t. I’ve been too busy trying to work through…the reality of things.” He gave her a look, a short glanced eyes filled with anger and pain. He’d failed himself and everything he’d sought to uphold. His own form of honour, and pride shattered. Broken into pieces so mall fragments of glass so thin that each one couldn’t even glitter. “Nivel…Why are you here…I don’t…I don’t deserve the company…Please.” He hung his head again, his right arm on the table and his left pressed into his for head. Murderer. Murderer. Murderer. Murderer. Murderer. Murderer. Murderer. Murderer. Murderer. Murderer. Murderer. “I’m not!” He screamed out, slamming his fist into the table gain.

His fingers slipped from his forehead pressing into his eyes, temporarily stemming the tide of the feeling of failure within him. “Nivel…Please I don’t want to hurt you…I’ve hurt everyone who’s come to see me these past two days. Please I don’t want to add you to the list.” He spoke softly, normally at least, right now thou it was almost a whisper. A light flicker of sound edged with sadness and genuine want to not hurt someone else. He pressed his hand into the table, as his mind continued to bubble over. Failure. Failure. Failure. Failure. Failure. Failure. Failure. Failure.

[Nivel]

“I’m here because I’m worried about you. I know we haven’t known each other very long but I consider you a friend and I don’t like to see friends suffer..or really anyone for that matter.” Nivel didn’t really feel her motivations really needed to be explained but she did so anyway as calmly as she could.
“You really should eat, Tall folk need to eat a lot to say healthy…have you been sleeping?”

“You know the voices aren’t real Alex.” Nivel told him after the squires sudden outburst to an unknown presence. The tiny mage had faced her own demons once when she took her magic a little to far. While she was fairly certain he wasn’t experiencing over giving the symptoms were a bit similar and at the moment even seemed mild in comparison.
“I’ve heard voices before too..all you have to remember is that you’re stronger than them. Take deep breaths and search within yourself for the truth. ”

“Pycon’s are very resilient, you can crush me or rip my arms but I’ll be fine after I eat some clay. So don’t worry about causing me harm, I didn’t become a mage squire to play it safe.” Nivel stated boldly, She wanted to make it all the more clear that she wasn’t leaving unless it was to get him food which even a pycon could tell he desperately needed.

“A person with such a beautiful Aura as yours couldn’t possibly be as dark as I’m sure you think you are. You may not know this but I’ve been in a similar situation, I over used my magic and it turned me into a monster. I got help from two kind souls and I’m going to help you today.” She went back to her gentle demeanour but still held firm in her convictions. The pycon couldn’t ever repay the two that helped her that day but she could start by helping someone else in their time of turmoil.

Credit for Boxcode goes to Estrellir Konrath

[Alexander Faircroft]

Description "Alex Common" Alex thoughts "Myrian" "Fratava" "Others"

Worry. Suffering. Friends. Alex heard the words but they didn’t register, they didn’t fill the blank void of his mind, they didn’t want to. He didn’t want to. He didn’t have friends. He didn’t have people who stuck by him. Had he been sleeping?
“No...” He’d gotten less than three hours a night for the past three days. He was tired, hungry, and most of all when Nivel said the voices weren’t real he near snapped. She’d heard them too? But he’d known the truth. Hit was the truth and he refused to accept it. He refused to confront it.

“Nivel…The voices are right...And that’s why I can’t ignore them.” He looked over at her now for the first time fully since she’d entered his room. The dark black circles under his eyes, the eyes themselves bloodshot and pained. He looked like a little kid who’d just done something he wasn’t supposed too and didn’t know how to accept it. Alex Looked over at her and spoke. “Some…Sometimes people get hurt without needing to be hit.” He almost whispered the words out, so lightly and so softly they weren’t eave really audible.

“I killed someone…I watched the light I his eyes go dark…I felt his body turn cold. I feel sick to my stomach every time I think about it. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. Every time I look at what I’ve done and what I try to do all I can see is my father and how I’m slowly turning into him. Nivel…I’m not worth helping.” He’d heard her but not fully. Not in her entirety. “If you used that magic again, the one that looks at auras you’d see the darkness in my soul…And the fact that as much as it hurts me to admit it…It almost felt like I wanted to do it.” The last statement those last words hurt him to say to confront but he needed to get them into the open before he buried his face in his hands again back into the black darkness that engulfed him. Where he belonged. And then the voices spoke gain…

[Nivel]

The pycon shook her head slowly at Alex’s answer, the poor tall folk was causing himself much harm and she didn’t like it one bit. Though Nivel knew enough that she would have to try and tackle the core issue before her friend could fill his belly and sleep soundly.

“I’m not sure what your voices are telling you, but to me it sounds like they’re just your own guilty feelings echoing back at you. I’m not saying you should stop feeling for this person because it’s what keeps you from being a monster but you shouldn’t let it sabotage you. If you truly don’t want to cause harm to anyone else do your best not to cause harm to yourself. If you can’t sleep at least take some medicine to help with the process and maybe some thing to settle your stomach.” Nivel said her piece to the tortured soul as she looked into his anguished filled eyes. She didn’t truly understand the significance but the red cracks in his eyes were a bit uncomfortable for the pycon to look at. She wasn’t sure what the dark circles were but they couldn’t represent good things considering the situation. Her voice and face didn’t portray her unease but her right wing twitched and her prehensile hair became irregularly stiff.

“I can look at your aura but I suspect it won’t have changed much. Deep down you’re a good person even if you’ve done a very dark thing.” There wasn’t a shred of doubt in the tiny pycon’s nexus that Alex was a bad person. Whether it ether be naivety or denial the pycon couldn’t accept it.

After a moment of silence to calm her mind she was ready to look again at his aura. In an instant the dark room began to glow and pulsate with life. The aura of the squire had lost a bit of its lustier but otherwise wasn’t vastly different than she remembered it. The most noticeable changers were a few blotches of teal mixed in with the turquoise portions and the tendrils that splayed out near the ends seemed to be more agitated.
“You’re Aura has changed slightly but it certainly has more to do with your declining health than anything else. I’m sure if you took the time to eat and take a nap your aura would still be as beautiful as ever.”
The pycon couldn’t possibly tell what the changes truly meant but that’s what she wanted herself and more importably Alex to believe.

Credit for Boxcode goes to Estrellir Konrath

[Alexander Faircroft]

Description "Alex Common" Alex thoughts "Myrian" "Fratava" "Others"

Alex looked at the small pycon. Her words though sincere were laced with worry. Whether it was for him or for her own safety he didn’t know. No matter which option it was they held an air of truth to them. Alex looked over to her. She was right. Alex sighed slowly his body shaking a little as he did, his own mind still not settled. Despite her words and her sincerity she looked closer to aq small statue than her usual bubbly self.

The strangeness of hearing that he was a good person deep down was something that sat with unease. But as Nivel peered into what he assumed to be his soul again she said it wasn’t much changed. Apart from the effects on his health. If that was true if that was honestly true he needed to see it.
“Nivel…Can you teach others to see?” He asked with a word of quiet expectance for her to say no. A small trickle of hope sprung again within him. If he could see, beyond what he could see then perhaps he’d find an answer for what he was after. He turned to shift his eyes over to her, the bloodshot look of them combined with the dark circles under them emphasizing his pleading. He wanted to see what she saw. To know what she knew.

“If what you say is true Nivel…No…I trust you Nivel but I need to see for myself to believe.” He shifted in his seat to loom directly t her, the scar over his left shoulder now in full view, the sun-shaped scar fully visible as something he didn’t even try to hide like usual. He was too desperate, too wanting of a hope to cling onto, too in need of something to show him a way out. “If what you say is true…Then perhaps I’d be able to get some peace but I need to see.”

[Nivel]

“Well…” Nivel was taken aback by the sudden request put before her. She remembered what a disaster became of her trying to teach Arch and Ball flux and they were in perfect health at the time. The tiny mage didn’t even want to think what would happen if she tried to teach the draining practice of magic to someone as beaten down as Alex was. At the same time if he was able to see his aura for himself it might help him realize that he wasn’t as tainted as he truly was. Nivel’s ears quivered as she agonized over the pros and cons of this very important decision.

“You’ll need food first.” Nivel finally spoke up with a touch of reluctance. “While I retrieve some I’ll need you to do your best to calm yourself. Learning magic takes a relaxed and focused mind. I might not be able to teach you in your current state but if you really want me to I’ll do my best.”
Nivel took this as a great excuse to feed her friend and didn’t give him any time to protest before she ran out the door to get something that he could eat. She hoped that after she went to the trouble of getting him food he would feel obligated to eat it.

She ran in the direction of the mess hall hoping that one of the cooks would be able to give her some food that she could carry. She easily slipped under the wooden door and scanned the area. She spotted a person looking over a storage shelf, and called out to him. He was a man about 40 years of age with a few visible battle scars but he still gave Nivel a pleasant smile once he saw her.
“What’ ya doin’ bak ear lil one?” He asked.
“I’m looking for food for my friend, he’s very sick and needs anything you have desperately.” Nivel explained with a touch of urgency.
“Well, dat shouldn’t be too ‘ard but are ye sure you can carry it yer self?”
“If you have a sack or a cart I could borrow I could carry that, he’s not far.”
“Well if yur sure I’ll give ya a sack o’ bread eye was jus gunna through out anyways.” The cook handed her a small sack with a few bread rolls tucked inside.
“Would you mind throwing in an orange, I think he likes them.”
“not ta’ all” He grabbed an orange from a fruit basket and put it in the bag.
“Thank you so much!” Nivel gave a few appreciative bows to the man before she grabbed the bag that was about 5 times her size and dragged it towards the door. She got the man to help her open the door and she continued back to Alex.

“I brought you food” Nivel announced as she entered the door into the dark and dreary room. “I even got you an orange.”

“How much progress have you made on relaxing your mind? if you’re having trouble I can get you some tea?”

Credit for Boxcode goes to Estrellir Konrath

[Alexander Faircroft]

Description "Alex Common" Alex thoughts "Myrian" "Fratava" "Others"

She could teach him, he’d see whether she was right and the fear he felt was visible or if it was something that was just in his mind whether the taint he felt on his soul was real or just this feeling of guilt overriding him. Two things he had to calm his mind and eat. Alex nodded slowly as Nivel fled the room. Whilst he was left alone in the silence he finally rose his hands shaking and his legs pained. He stepped over to his bunk reaching beneath the pillow and pulling free the dagger he’d used for many years. The blade that had helped him stay alive. One he looked after with a care. He slipped the whetstone from his bag, and laid the small thing along the table.

In the darkness he placed the edge of the steel dagger against the stone sharpening the blade back and forth taking off a thin layer of steel as he waited for her to return. This hands shaking stemmed with something in them, he prayed that he could keep down what she brought. As a chime ticked by Alex pressed the tip of the dagger into the table and began to spin it. Another chime ticked by and Nivel arrived at the room. Alex had changed where he was sat to face the door now. As Nivel stepped in and pushed the door open Alex closed his eyes the light the first he’d seen in days near blinded him. As his eyes adjusted he looked down at the small silhouette. His fingers twitched as she said she’d brought him food.

“My mind is as calm…as it’s likely to get before I know the truth…” as Nivel pulled the bag of small rolls onto the table and the singular orange contained within Alex picked up the now almost luminously sharp blade and reached a hand into the bag pulling free one of the rolls. Sticking it between his teeth he pulled free the orange and sank the edge of the dagger into the skin of it. Slowly he turned it in his fingers spiralling the peel off, as the roll between his teeth slowly vanished.

He swallowed hard. Forcing the dry bread down his dry throat. Finally he cut free a quarter of the orange and slowly ate.
“Nivel.” He paused looking down at her his mind now focused slightly. Less scatter brained, less addled with his own solitude. And quieter now he could actually keep something down. “I killed someone…I’m trying to come to terms with it…It’s the first time I’ve ever killed someone…” he spoke calmer now, his stomach starting to fill and his mind eased a little further. “It’s hard…I’ve seen people get killed and be killed by others…I…I want to know if that taint that feeling of “acceptance” of killing is something that’s seeped within me.” He flicked his eyes at Nivel now, the weariness and pain evident in them but a small spark of acceptance of his situation. “Nivel I need to ask you another favour…Whatever the outcome of this. Tell my patron Ser Greyheart I’ll take a night shift patrol. I need to get back out into the light of day…” Alex held a look on Nivel now that had a spark the smallest glint of that hope restored in his eyes.

[Nivel]

“Hrm, well if you can’t focus this might be difficult but I’m sure we can do it…in time.” Nivel was still wondering if this was really the best corse of action and the hesitation could be heard a bit in her voice. She knew more than most that Magic isn’t something to ever take lightly, the tiny mage would have to make that clear before she started teaching him. She just didn’t know how best to do that without bringing more anxiety to him.

While she continued to mull this over she could savour a small victory in getting her friend to finally put food in his gut. It was a positive step that made her more comfortable with the decision to teach him magic. Though she could still remember how drained she was when she first saw auras. It was light compared to other magic but it was still overwhelming at first.

“I will tell Ser Greyheart you are ready to take a shift but I need to be certain your healthy enough first. You’re already in rough shape and first time magic users can be overwhelmed in the beginning. I’ll keep a close watch on you afterward since your my responsibility now so you won’t have to worry about that.” Nivel gave the squire a gentle bow of acknowledgment to the agreement she had just made. “I will tell you know that after this you won’t have trouble sleeping. I fell into a long sleep right after I was taught and you may be having an internal struggle but magic is will easily overpower that. “

She walked closer to him and looked up at his face. “Now you may not have realized this but you’ve already completed the first step of Autistics. You need to believe, the idea is probably still farfetched to you but you believe its possible and that can be a real struggle for people.” She paused and began to pace back in forth in front of where he sat.
“It’s not the hardest part however, now you have to put your believe to the test and see what you’re not supposed to see. You have to feel the energy that lives within you and everyone around you. You can’t trust your senses, they lie” She stopped and pointed to the weapons on display behind her. “Those weapons aren’t what they appear, they are just a collection of information combined together to create the tools you see before you. As I explained before they’re all just books with words in them, that food you ate is a bunch of books and you are in fact a book. Meditate on this and you will soon be able to see the world in a new light.”

Credit for Boxcode goes to Estrellir Konrath