Solo The Shadow and The Soul

[Taurina]

"I love you as certain things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.”
- Pablo Neruda, XVII

Night of the 90th day of Winter 517

She could still see him. Everywhere she looked she could see him. A scarred face with eyes like shining stars bursting with color. She could smell him. He had always smelled like the earth and sweat mixed with just a hint of something sweet. At times she could have sworn that she felt him surrounding her again. Felt the warmth of his worn and knowing hands as they pressed her against his chest. His voice was a soft whisper in her ear as he asked after the burdens of her heart so that he might lighten the load. Tears would roll down her cheeks as the answer formed a lump in her throat.

Her missing him was the burden of her heart. It was one only his reappearance would could lift, but that was never going to happen. He had been gone too long. She had hoped for too long. The grasses had taken their claim upon another soul. What made it worse was that she had never gotten a chance to say goodbye.

Taurina had watched their family as she hoped in silence. She had watched the light fade from their eyes as realization hit that he was probably never coming back. She had watched them mourn in their own ways, watched them form their own answers for what had happened, and watched them find the strength to go on. They had to go on. It was their only choice. Go on and live, for him. For the legacy he had begun to build. For their family.

Maybe it was foolishness that had kept her hoping until now. Maybe it was denial or the belief that ignorance was bliss. It was easier to pretend that it was all a dream. That one day she would wake up and there he would be with arms outstretched towards her. She would run into those arms and grip him tight so that he may never go again. The secrets of her heart would be exposed so that he might know how important he was to her. She would tell him that she loved him and that she never wanted to be without him. That she could not stand to loose him as she had lost her god. That she would not let him leave her as Leth had left her.

Her dreams were sweet for he was always in them. Always there reminding her of who she was. The times he had been there to wipe her grief away played over and over again. She remembered the first time they met, how he had seen her weak and broken soul and decided it worthy of saving. He had given her a family that day, but he had also given her more than that. He had given her hope. A hope that she had so desperately needed.

He was always there with that half smile and those serious eyes that would on occasion dance with light. It was him who she had gone to when Starfire first chose her. Him alone who she had allowed to accompany her to get new windmarks, and it was him who had comforted her when she found them to be gone from her skin come the next morning. It was him who had reminded her that she was Drykas now, windmarks or no. It was him who had held her and then challenged her to go out and find for herself why the white stallion had chosen her.

Things had not always been easy. Had not always been lovely. She broke his heart once, or at least believed she had, during that same spring when she bonded. Choosing to spend time with a walahk out in the grasses over the night had unraveled some of the bond that had begun to form between the ankel and the Ethaefal. The heart of stone was shone to be a heart of flesh as feelings poured out through that night. Anger, sadness, and pain coated that night as a storm ravaged the skies. It had taken long to repair what was lost that night. Time had been wasted.

A part of her had probably always loved him. Fallen for him the day he picked up the pieces of her life and handed them back to her, giving her the strength she needed to try to put them back together. Even during that stormy night of chaos when anger had fallen over him, he reminded her of who she was and of the light that shined within her. A light she had not known she possessed, but he was so sure that it made her believe that she might. Even if she did not, he made her want to find and be that light. He made her want all sorts of things that had only ever existed in her dreams. And, for a short while, she had believed all of them possible.

For a short while, she had dared to dream… but nothing lasts forever.

Winter had taken much from them. Sickness had plagued many, fires destroyed the lands, and the heat had been unrelenting. Death and destruction, that was what winter had brought. Yet, Taurina would have traded in her soul and gone through it all again if only it meant the reality in which she now lived would turn out to be only the most horrible of nightmares. That in the morning she would wake up and there would be Azmere, arms pressing her against his chest as he brushed away her tears and assured her that he was not going anywhere.

Common | Pavi | 'Thoughts'

[Taurina]

“I love you. I love you. I love you. I never told you, but I love you… Dammit… I love you.”

She should have told him. She knew she should have told him. Should have.. would have.. could have.. never did, and now he was gone, and these were words she would never get to say. Not to him.

Some days she felt like she was drowning. Not the kind of drowning that happens close to the surface where there is at least a chance one might be found and brought back to life. No. Instead it was the kind of drowning that took one to a place where light no longer existed. It was a place of pure darkness and misery. A place where death was no longer feared, but embraced because of the escape it offered.

Taurina did not wish to die.

She had never wished to die. Not really.

So why was it now, in this moment, that death sounded so sweet?

She blamed him. Sometimes she even hated him for the pain his disappearance caused her. The hate never lasted for long though. A moment or two before anger became tears and it was no longer easy to breath. Nothing had prepared her for this. Even the death of her beloved fisherman had not wrought such destruction upon her heart. She had not loved him as she loved Azmere. She had imagined a life with the ankal, a future. A future that was never going to happen.

“I love you…Petch… I love you… Why? Why did you leave?!”

She spent her nights screaming at the sky. Going far out into the grasses where only the wild things could hear her and shout until her lungs gave out. How dare he leave her?! How dare the gods take him from her?! How dare… How dare… How dare…

It did not matter.

Her shouted words were not going to bring him back. Her cries of how unfair it was fell only on deaf ears. Even Leth was silent. She should not have been surprised, was not really surprised. He had never spoken to her in times of hardship before, why would he now? The silence was not unexpected, but it made everything so much worse. So, so much worse.

Syna would rise in the morning. Her golden rays would stretch out and grace the land with a warmth that was now unwelcome. Her coming signaled a new day. A new day, a new hope, a promise that this day could be different from the last. A new day was a chance to leave behind the past, shake off the grief of old and start anew. Learn to breath again. Learn to live again. They would too. As time passed and day became night before becoming day again, they would learn to breath again. They would learn to live again. They would learn how to exist in a world without him.

Taurina did not know if that day would ever come for her. She could not imagine living in a world where he was no longer. She did not want to live in that world. If only she could rewind the clock. If only she could have kept him from leaving that day. If only she could have held him tighter. If only she could have been less afraid. If only she could have told him… why didn’t she tell him? Maybe that was what made the pain of it so much worse. Maybe that was what she was going to regret into eternity.

That night in the summer, when nightmares had plagued her and sleep was chased away, she had wanted to tell him then. After she beat him in that unfair race, after her fingertips had painted the face of the rock, after he reminded her again and again of who she was… She wanted him to know how much it all meant to her. He needed to know how much it all meant to her. How much he meant to her.

She had never told him that. None of it. Never even a thank you had passed her lips in their interactions. She did not recall even having thanked him for bringing her into his family. She regretted that now. She should have said thank you. She should have made him know how much she cared. How much she appreciated his being in her life. Then he might have known how greatly loosing him would affect her.

It was selfish to think that. It was selfish to make it all about her and her care for him. She was not the only one his death affected. He had left them all behind. The pavilion, the Drykas people, Jasmine who carried his unborn child. A child that was never going to get to know who their father was. Never going to reach up and touch that scarred face and laugh with one of those silly smiles babies always seemed to have because their innocence was not yet tainted by the dark things of the world. Taurina did not want to meet the baby. Not now.

That was selfish too. She knew Azmere would have wanted them to be there for his child should he not be able to be any longer. He would have wanted his child to have their family, the family he had built, all around it as they grew. He would have wanted that. Her heart hurt at the thought of it. All she could imagine was staring into a face that reflected him, but was not him. Stare into that face of pure innocence and know that before they grew up, this world was going to do everything in its power to destroy them. And that thought caused all the pain to rush back like a mighty river.

Common | Pavi | 'Thoughts'

[Taurina]

A part of her wondered if anyone would ever again see her pain like he saw her pain. She wondered if one day another would look into her eyes and see the past that lingered there. See where the light had dimmed and the heart had broken. Would they ask her? Would they care enough to ask her for the story? Or would they walk away and leave her in the dust because it was not worth the trouble it took to fix a damaged soul? She did not know. She did not know that she really cared. When she looked into the future now she did not see anybody. Could not imagine anybody. Not even herself.

“What troubles you tonight zulkina?” the voice was soft and caring against her ear, just as he had always been.

Her eyes were damp with tears, her cheeks stained with paths dried and drying. She could hear his voice as if he were lying beside her. So real it sounded, as if she could just open her eyes and he would be there. It was so tempting to look. So tempting to check just to see if she had been wrong all this time. But she knew better.

She knew the arms holding her were just her own. The fingers running through her tear-soaked hair belonged to her too. And the voice.. that was just her mind playing tricks on her. Such a cruel trick. She wished her eyes would fall for it. If only so she could just see him one last time. See him, say goodbye. How she wished she had gotten to say goodbye.

“Come back to me.”

No answer came. Even the trick of the mind knew it could not bring him back. Nothing could. Nothing would. He was gone. She knew that. Even though a part of her refused to accept it, even now, she knew that. Only time would heal the gaping hole he had left. Maybe, maybe time would heal it, or maybe it would last forever. A heart left broken and bleeding for eternity. Even if others came along, that part left untouched, that part left open in hope for what would never be.

Taurina gripped her sides harder, digging the rough edges of her freshly chewed nails into bare skin. It was too hot to wear anything besides that which was absolutely necessary, but the Eth hid beneath the biggest fur she could find anyway. The world was full of people she did not wish to see. The pavilion was full of a family she did not wish to share her burdens with. Forever the outsider. She had made herself as such. It was easier to mourn alone. It was easier not to rely on anyone. Especially now. Especially when the one she had relied on most was the one she mourned now.

It had become hard to breath. Not just because of the weight that now sat heavy on her chest or the sobs that still slipped out every so many chimes, but also because of the stifling heat made worse by the fur she had covered herself with. She knew she should uncover herself. She knew that there was better air just inches away. All she needed to do was poke her head out over the edge, maybe lift her chin a little. So easy. So close. She did not want to.

She did not want to do anything.

What was it to feel nothing?

To be so hurt that only emptiness remained?

She felt numb in a way.

Like she had fallen to the bottom of a great ravine and as long as she did not move she did not have to learn how broken she had become. She hated that. She hated being numb. At least it never lasted long. Because sadness came in waves. She would be okay for moments at a time. She was able to suck back the sobs and get to where she wanted to try to breath again. She tried to convince herself that she would be okay without him. She would be okay, she would be okay, she would be okay…

“No I won’t..” and then the tears would fall again.

Tears would fall and fall and her body would shake, and she would grip her hair and scratch at her skin to try and distract her mind with the physical pain. Trails of red streaked from her thighs to the easy to reach places on her sides to the plains of her stomach. Specs of dried crimson splattered across the marks, but there was never much. She was not into really hurting herself. She just wanted the distraction. She wanted something else to think about and nothing else sufficed. Nothing was enough when he had been everything.

The only thing worse than being numb was all the rest of it.

The tears would stop eventually and the pain subside. Nothing lasted forever. Not even the ache of the soul. If there was an end to happiness than there had to be an end to everything else as well. Even sadness. That meant there was hope. Hope of a better life. Hope that one day she would wake up and it would be easier. That one day she would wake up and be able to start again.

How she looked forward to that day. How she wished it would never come.

Common | Pavi | 'Thoughts'