hello..
I'm back after meeting with my sisters. It's been a wonderful evening, we made and ate lots of sushi, watched a movie; 'Wizards apprentice' I believe it's called here, and generally had a good time. It took nearly two hours from the time my eldest sister sat up and commented that it was getting late, to the point where we actually got into the car. Not that I mind. I'd have loved to stay away longer, but one has a young kid and the other was going away tomorrow.. So it didn't exactly leave me with much choice.
I feel kind of strange. We had a long talk about our parents, the conditions me and my younger sister is living under, what it was like for the older ones when their father moved out and my dad moved in.. It's strange to realize that my beloved sisters dislike my father in the same way that I dislike moms current man. I feel sad, and angry, and tired, I feel like getting away and just forget all of the things around me. And at the same time, I dread having to pack and go back to school, even though I long to get away. I'm a mess, it feels like I'm just walking around, waiting for the next disaster to strike. There's been so much going on this year, and the year before, and I can't seem to relax completely. I'm holding my breath all the time, just waiting for people to shout at me to get a grip and get a life, tell me that I'm not worth shit and that there's nothing out there that will make things better. Or maybe I'm already shouting at myself..
I hate screwing things up. I fear that feeling of hot, heavy embarrassment when I do something wrong, I hate when I'm not careful enough with what I do and go beyond what is considered good and polite and okay. I hate the thought of people being angry at me too, and I can't stand the thought of someone holding a grudge against me. It's happened, I lost a lot of close friends some years ago and I still haven't gotten over it; I wonder if I ever will. The things they said, the things I said, the things we did.. Ah, it breaks my heart to think about it.
I fear pain. I always have. Whenever I get hurt, mentally or physically, its like I go numb; all my strength is drained and I just sit there, unable to think or talk or do anything but feel. It's probably why I dislike others anger so much. I almost always automatically like other people, I smile and open up and let them in, not hesitating the slightest to share my life story and everything I have with them. If they then get angry or discontent, it's like someone slaps me. If they get angry then they must be discontent, if they're discontent there must be something I didn't do, or did wrong, or didn't do good enough. I just want people around me to be happy and content...
Bah. Of course I know that people can't be happy all the time. It sounds so selfish and stupid to think that people would be happy just because I'm happy. It's probably naive too, to be so trusting. I just don't know how to be something between overjoyed and silly and happy, and just don't give a shit. I suppose there has to be something like reserved friendliness, but I've never understood it. Aren't you supposed to share your entire self with a person you like? Or was that kind of thing reserved for that beloved true half?
I don't know. I feel like I don't know anything, I just have these random mood swings and an ache in my chest that make me feel like crying. Is it pain, is it longing, is it tiredness or is this how everyone feels? Is it normal to have this heavy, engulfing feeling that makes my head hurt from how it makes my thoughts spin without ever reaching a conclusion about anything? I wish I at least knew for sure what this feeling was, so I could do something about it. All I want is to be happy and be around other happy people.. but it doesn't seem like I can manage both at the same time.
Who am I? What am I doing here? Does my being here have a purpose? It won't make a difference if I'm not here, so what is the point? Do you know what happens when someone dies? Nothing. Nothing at all. The people around you will be sad for a while, they will grieve and miss. But then, they will carry on with their lives like they always have. No one will die just because one does, the world won't end and heaven will not turn black and fall down.
I hate existential questions too. I'll never get a satisfactory answer as long as I'm still alive, and I suppose that if I just give up, I'll somehow miss the point.. I don't even mind being alive all that much. I just wish it wouldn't hurt so much. I guess, when it comes down to it, it's just because I'm lonely. Sure I have my family, but when my sister coughs and frowns and glares at be every time I try to talk to her, when my mother smothers herself in a relationship that no one approves of, not even her, and when I feel like I don't know my own father.. when those are the people around me, where am I supposed to go? Playing mom to my own mother, playing ignorant with my sister, playing make-believe with my dad.. I feel like my life after 20 years has become stuck in a dress-up game, where I've lost who I really am behind all these masks. And when I finally manages to peel away all those layers and show someone who I really am.. they leave. Ever single one just takes off. Friend after friend, they all just disappeared. And my family follows..
Who am I supposed to really trust? Is there someone out there that will see the the real me and not leave? Somehow it feels like I've stopped believing. There will be no treasure at the end of the rainbow, the steep hill isn't going to end, and when I get to the top, it's just gonna turn out that I've only just begun the climb.
Hey, what do I know. Maybe I'm just nervous about pulling out a wisdom tooth next week. Maybe I'm just tired. It might be that I feel a bit sorry for myself, and that I'm just whining. Can you see the walls rising again? So long was I able to be honest with myself. Now I'm already beginning to doubt again, whether it's okay to post this; it might upset people, it might bore them. Can you hear how I'm beating myself for not being good enough?
I don't feel so good. I want to cry myself to sleep, for no reason at all. I probably won't. Someone might hear, and I don't want to see my mother get all tense and teary as she blames herself for my pain. I don't want to lie and say that it's not her fault. It is. It actually is... I can't point out how. I wouldn't either, because that would push things towards the edge; I would have to say everything if I start, and then I have to act and step out of the door, then walk until I don't see anything. I just don't know where to go. If I did, I'd probably be long gone. I wish I was one to just pack a bag and leave and take all the opportunities the world has to offer. I'm too scared though; too scared to fail and sink lower than she did, scared of pain and hunger and people's opinions..
I hate being scared.
You know what I want? I want to belong somewhere. I'd like to be a part of something real, something tangible and solid. I'd like to pour my everything into something, anything, loose myself in a cause and a task.. I'd like to be able to focus on just one single thing, forgetting everything and everyone else... Maybe that would sate this aching feeling. Maybe it would make me feel genuinely happy, real, alive..
I'm not getting anywhere with this, am I. Lets just stop, its not like it's actually helping to rant like this. Even if the person on the other side of this screen would care about anything I've written, it's not like they'd be able to get here and save me anyway.. They are too occupied with their own lives, as they should be. I'm the one who should be saving myself, from myself. At the very least, it would be nice with a hug.. but we don't really hug in this family. Maybe a little when people come and go, and moms clinging whenever she needs comfort. That's all. That's not helping. She's too close, too involved.
Maybe I just need to get laid. Whoops, am I allowed to write like that here? Don't know. At the moment, I can't make myself feel enough to care. I'm a good kid, playing nicely in someone else's sandbox.. always someone else's sandbox. Did you know that I have one too? It's kind of small and the sand is mixed with cat shit, but you're welcome in anyway. The rules are simple. If you enter, don't leave. No one can leave, ever. If you do, it will hurt and I will feel bad. Feel free to play with my toys, I'll give them to you if you want them. I'll give you anything as long as you don't leave. I hate being alone, so please.. get in and stay, or stay out.
I think I've said this before, but.. I really feel like shit right now.
I'm back after meeting with my sisters. It's been a wonderful evening, we made and ate lots of sushi, watched a movie; 'Wizards apprentice' I believe it's called here, and generally had a good time. It took nearly two hours from the time my eldest sister sat up and commented that it was getting late, to the point where we actually got into the car. Not that I mind. I'd have loved to stay away longer, but one has a young kid and the other was going away tomorrow.. So it didn't exactly leave me with much choice.
I feel kind of strange. We had a long talk about our parents, the conditions me and my younger sister is living under, what it was like for the older ones when their father moved out and my dad moved in.. It's strange to realize that my beloved sisters dislike my father in the same way that I dislike moms current man. I feel sad, and angry, and tired, I feel like getting away and just forget all of the things around me. And at the same time, I dread having to pack and go back to school, even though I long to get away. I'm a mess, it feels like I'm just walking around, waiting for the next disaster to strike. There's been so much going on this year, and the year before, and I can't seem to relax completely. I'm holding my breath all the time, just waiting for people to shout at me to get a grip and get a life, tell me that I'm not worth shit and that there's nothing out there that will make things better. Or maybe I'm already shouting at myself..
I hate screwing things up. I fear that feeling of hot, heavy embarrassment when I do something wrong, I hate when I'm not careful enough with what I do and go beyond what is considered good and polite and okay. I hate the thought of people being angry at me too, and I can't stand the thought of someone holding a grudge against me. It's happened, I lost a lot of close friends some years ago and I still haven't gotten over it; I wonder if I ever will. The things they said, the things I said, the things we did.. Ah, it breaks my heart to think about it.
I fear pain. I always have. Whenever I get hurt, mentally or physically, its like I go numb; all my strength is drained and I just sit there, unable to think or talk or do anything but feel. It's probably why I dislike others anger so much. I almost always automatically like other people, I smile and open up and let them in, not hesitating the slightest to share my life story and everything I have with them. If they then get angry or discontent, it's like someone slaps me. If they get angry then they must be discontent, if they're discontent there must be something I didn't do, or did wrong, or didn't do good enough. I just want people around me to be happy and content...
Bah. Of course I know that people can't be happy all the time. It sounds so selfish and stupid to think that people would be happy just because I'm happy. It's probably naive too, to be so trusting. I just don't know how to be something between overjoyed and silly and happy, and just don't give a shit. I suppose there has to be something like reserved friendliness, but I've never understood it. Aren't you supposed to share your entire self with a person you like? Or was that kind of thing reserved for that beloved true half?
I don't know. I feel like I don't know anything, I just have these random mood swings and an ache in my chest that make me feel like crying. Is it pain, is it longing, is it tiredness or is this how everyone feels? Is it normal to have this heavy, engulfing feeling that makes my head hurt from how it makes my thoughts spin without ever reaching a conclusion about anything? I wish I at least knew for sure what this feeling was, so I could do something about it. All I want is to be happy and be around other happy people.. but it doesn't seem like I can manage both at the same time.
Who am I? What am I doing here? Does my being here have a purpose? It won't make a difference if I'm not here, so what is the point? Do you know what happens when someone dies? Nothing. Nothing at all. The people around you will be sad for a while, they will grieve and miss. But then, they will carry on with their lives like they always have. No one will die just because one does, the world won't end and heaven will not turn black and fall down.
I hate existential questions too. I'll never get a satisfactory answer as long as I'm still alive, and I suppose that if I just give up, I'll somehow miss the point.. I don't even mind being alive all that much. I just wish it wouldn't hurt so much. I guess, when it comes down to it, it's just because I'm lonely. Sure I have my family, but when my sister coughs and frowns and glares at be every time I try to talk to her, when my mother smothers herself in a relationship that no one approves of, not even her, and when I feel like I don't know my own father.. when those are the people around me, where am I supposed to go? Playing mom to my own mother, playing ignorant with my sister, playing make-believe with my dad.. I feel like my life after 20 years has become stuck in a dress-up game, where I've lost who I really am behind all these masks. And when I finally manages to peel away all those layers and show someone who I really am.. they leave. Ever single one just takes off. Friend after friend, they all just disappeared. And my family follows..
Who am I supposed to really trust? Is there someone out there that will see the the real me and not leave? Somehow it feels like I've stopped believing. There will be no treasure at the end of the rainbow, the steep hill isn't going to end, and when I get to the top, it's just gonna turn out that I've only just begun the climb.
Hey, what do I know. Maybe I'm just nervous about pulling out a wisdom tooth next week. Maybe I'm just tired. It might be that I feel a bit sorry for myself, and that I'm just whining. Can you see the walls rising again? So long was I able to be honest with myself. Now I'm already beginning to doubt again, whether it's okay to post this; it might upset people, it might bore them. Can you hear how I'm beating myself for not being good enough?
I don't feel so good. I want to cry myself to sleep, for no reason at all. I probably won't. Someone might hear, and I don't want to see my mother get all tense and teary as she blames herself for my pain. I don't want to lie and say that it's not her fault. It is. It actually is... I can't point out how. I wouldn't either, because that would push things towards the edge; I would have to say everything if I start, and then I have to act and step out of the door, then walk until I don't see anything. I just don't know where to go. If I did, I'd probably be long gone. I wish I was one to just pack a bag and leave and take all the opportunities the world has to offer. I'm too scared though; too scared to fail and sink lower than she did, scared of pain and hunger and people's opinions..
I hate being scared.
You know what I want? I want to belong somewhere. I'd like to be a part of something real, something tangible and solid. I'd like to pour my everything into something, anything, loose myself in a cause and a task.. I'd like to be able to focus on just one single thing, forgetting everything and everyone else... Maybe that would sate this aching feeling. Maybe it would make me feel genuinely happy, real, alive..
I'm not getting anywhere with this, am I. Lets just stop, its not like it's actually helping to rant like this. Even if the person on the other side of this screen would care about anything I've written, it's not like they'd be able to get here and save me anyway.. They are too occupied with their own lives, as they should be. I'm the one who should be saving myself, from myself. At the very least, it would be nice with a hug.. but we don't really hug in this family. Maybe a little when people come and go, and moms clinging whenever she needs comfort. That's all. That's not helping. She's too close, too involved.
Maybe I just need to get laid. Whoops, am I allowed to write like that here? Don't know. At the moment, I can't make myself feel enough to care. I'm a good kid, playing nicely in someone else's sandbox.. always someone else's sandbox. Did you know that I have one too? It's kind of small and the sand is mixed with cat shit, but you're welcome in anyway. The rules are simple. If you enter, don't leave. No one can leave, ever. If you do, it will hurt and I will feel bad. Feel free to play with my toys, I'll give them to you if you want them. I'll give you anything as long as you don't leave. I hate being alone, so please.. get in and stay, or stay out.
I think I've said this before, but.. I really feel like shit right now.