[Rista's Scrapbook] That wasn't meant to be

by **Rista** on August 31st, 2011, 5:59 pm

Status report.

Time: 18.47 UTC+1
Date: 31/8 - 2011
Location: Hemse, Gotland, Sweden
Status: Eating cookies, Drinking tea

So, it's now been two days at school. Thus far, I've survived. I have yet to learn the names of everyone in my class, but I'm getting there, little by little. I'm also in the process of getting to know people outside the class; the music students are easy, since I hung out with many of them last year, and now they have three new people with the same names..

Oh, but I should probably talk about the school first.

I'm going to a kind of freer form of College. Here is Sweden it's called Folk-Högskola, which basically mean 'college for the people'.
- It's a form of school that was founded to make it easier for so called 'common' people to get an education back in the day; around the end of the 19th century or so. At first it was mostly about agriculture and to teach women how to work in the homes and so on, but slowly it expanded and added different subjects, and has now become a sort of forum for people that needs/wants to do things a bit differently. There are a lot of different ones scattered over the country; I've heard some rumor about this school being one of the oldest, but I can't say for sure that it's true.
- You don't get graded on the things you do, instead you're given a certificate that tells you have completed a course of a certain number of points that basically equals to those you can get in High-school. The days are shorter and education is set a bit more freely; there are things you need to do, but there's also a lot of free time to spend, allowing people to meet and socialize more than they would have otherwise.
- This school is open for anyone, as long as they're over 18 years.. I don't even think you need to live in Sweden; there's a girl here now that lives in Finland, one that's from Germany, and last year there was one from Norway.. Anyway, the ages are pretty mixed, from 18 to over 60. It's interesting, since you get to meet and interact with people of all ages.

There are several courses you can take. They consist of;

- Common, which means they study high-school subjects like language, math, history and so on, but at a slower pace than normal.
- Music. There are some profiles within this, I think it's guitar, song and folk-music; wonderful people that rarely let go of their instruments and seems to practice every waking hour of the day, developing their skills and learning new styles of music..
- Photography; they are even more hardworking than the musicians, and seems to stress a lot as they try to learn about taking pretty pictures and develop and so on.
- Textile and Hand-Crafting (roughly). This is also divided, into two profiles. Either Skin, Wool, and Design or Textile and Design. Here they learn how to tan hides, sew in skin and leather, felt, create their own clothing patters, weave, sew, knit and croquet and so on.

And then there are a few shorter courses, among others one for people with Aspbergers...

Anyway. I'm here for my second year, I go the Textile part and am about to go the textile design profile; last year I studied the skin and wool part.

Uhm, what was I trying to say... Yes, getting to know people.

There are usually two or more years on all programs, and since I went here last year I got to know a few. And since I know people from the other lines, I not only am learning the names of people in my class, but the other ones as well; it's fun, but also a bit tiring. My head is throbbing, and... ugh, my tea is cold.

Eh. What I'm trying to say is, I love it here. The first week is a pain, but it's fun; yesterday I stayed up way too late, listening to the musicians as they jammed in one of the campus houses. Take one small room, add 10+ people in a ring of furniture; couch, chairs, chest, floor, guitar cases.. then once more add around 5 guitars, 1 violin, 1 Key harp, 1 or 2 Mandolins, singers, and people that just listen and chat. The mood is high, people are excited and enthusiastic about being where they are and doing what they do, and love playing more than anything in the world. People talk and laugh, and after teaching each other new songs they just play, tuning and re-tuning their instruments..

They are Nerds, people, NERDS! XD Get a grip, how long can you talk about Alternative Tunings before it gets boring?

okay, so you can stem the guitar so the strings says HAssEss DAGiss (Hasse's Daycare) and BAGDAD (.. yeah).. it's funny, but not so much when people don't know a lot about musical terms and theory.

It's okay though, I love them anyway

I love them the most when they start playing Irish jiggs, beginning slow and then playing faster and louder and stronger, until the floor actually shakes from the sound..

It's funny with the names too. There are two girls named My, two guys named Anton, and two guys named Karl. They are neatly divided in first and second years, they are creepy similar, and they get along really well.. What are the odds? Also this school is magical when it comes to love and relations. Last year there were four or five couples paired up at the end of the year... It's amazing to watch, though it's also a wee bit painful, seeing as I've got my interests in a different place... ^^

So far there aren't a lot of things to mention as far as classes go. This week and the next there are introduction days and events, we on Textile will go off to the coast to dye yarn with plants next Thursday.. Tomorrow there'll be a day for getting to know the way around the school - which I don't feel very compelled to go to, since I already know - and then I need to go off and buy some necessities, like shoes and notebooks, and pencils..

Today my class went to Visby to see an exhibition called Krona och Krans (Crown and Wreath) that was about weddings and traditions, both old and new, and how you can create your own touch to things; one of my creations from last year is there on display, which is kind of fun...

It's supposed to be a Wedding Carpet, something people used in the olden days as a charm to bring wealth and happiness; "att stå på bar backe", to stand on the bare ground, is an expression here that means you don't have a house or anything to shelter you. This carpet was supposed to prevent that.. Well, not this exact carpet of course.

There aren't a lot of preserved ones left, only the measurements and the notion that it should be large enough for two people to stand on together. So when my class last year got the task of making one each, we were given free hands on the design; "love, wedding and feast" was our only guidelines aside from the restricted size.

A fun project, I hope we get to do something similar this year

I think it's time to stop here. I'm just going in circles.. I tried to find some of the music the people are playing here, but I couldn't find any good examples, nor do I remember a lot of the song names. I'll try to make a recording with my cell on their coming Music Café, so you can understand the awesomeness of these people.. ^^

For now, please enjoy this; a song they played last year until everyone was dead tired of it; then only to go to the Harry Potter movie and find it being played there

Talk about irony..

by **Rista** on September 2nd, 2011, 8:43 pm

This has been an exhausting day. First of all, I hate getting out of bed in the morning. Secondly, I hate riding vehicles of any kind. Be they car, bus, boat, train.. you name it, I probably get ill riding it. I even got motion-sick while riding horse and wagon, which is kind of sad.

I went to the coast with my class today, to do some bonding of the group and paint pictures of the sea. I'm on an island now you know, so there's always sea no matter where you go. This place is called Eksta, and it has a long, low coastline that's amazingly beautiful. Getting there from school only takes about 40 minutes or so, making it a good place for a shorter trip.

Anyway, we had barely been at the location for more than half an hour, having coffee at best when someone called us out with a 'look at the sky!', sounding really excited. When I came out, there was this dark cloud pillar coming down from the clouds out on the sea, just a thin string of black, that made the water go crazy where it connected. It was far away and hard to see, but I'm pretty sure it was a small tornado. It's quite amazing really; you hear about them on the news, and maybe see them on the occasional documentary, but to actually see it irl was cool ^^ Especially since it was so small and out on the sea, where it didn't hurt anyone.

I tried to capture it with my cell, but the camera isn't the best, so this was all I could accomplish. ^^

It spun around for a while, trying to form two more funnels. At one point there came two really bright and clear lightnings that shot down into the water, which was awesome and a bit scary, but eventually it all died out and the show was over. We tried to start painting, but after a while it started raining and we had to go inside; it ended up being pretty cramped in the little lodge, since we were more than 20 persons.. Luckily the weather cleared up after a while, turning into a really sunny and beautiful day..

Weather is a strange thing close to water it seems. Very unpredictable, but quite interesting. ^^

After eating lunch and chilling for a while we went back home. Then my mom and little sister arrived, since they're to spend the weekend here. I already wish they had stayed at home; it's supposed to be fun to have them here, but how can it be like that when my sister is grumpy all the time and mom takes offense for the slightest thing? This school is supposed to be my sanctuary; I hate how they soil it with their behavior, making me feel awful even though I'm supposed to have fun. Ending the day with a sister hiding under the blanket while mom tries to pretend she's not crying even though it's obvious isn't nice. It's not boding well for the rest of the weekend.

While I hate to say this; mom, sister. Can you please go home again, and leave me alone?

On a slightly more pleasant note, it seems the date for the Music class's first Music Café is set to this coming Thursday. The time should be around 7pm, so if you're in the vicinity, come to Hemse, Gotland, Sweden, and listen to them ^^ They're awesome, and they haven't even begun learning anything yet.

That's all I have for today, I think. I'm pretty tired, so I'll be going to bed soon.

To everyone I'm posting with; I might not be writing much this weekend, since I have guests and can't spend the time as I please. Might get something done, but if I don't, you know why ^^

Peace/out

chan

by **Rista** on September 4th, 2011, 11:32 am

There comes a point in time, when even I can't take it anymore. A person can only swallow so many feelings before it begins to poison them; I spent my entire previous year in school trying to deal with the clogs of emotions that had begun to keep me from functioning properly. I couldn't get out of bed in the morning, everything felt perfectly pointless and I couldn't believe in my own worth for anything. I'm still trying to sort things out, and it really doesn't help that people around me are making it worse.

For as long as I can remember, my little sister and I have had trouble getting along. She outright bullied me when we were kids; whenever I coughed or sneezed, breathed loud or chewed with my mouth open, she glared at me and sighed, went away from the table and began jumping up and down, shaking her hands. To get rid of the nasty things, she said, and we couldn't make her explain it better than that. I'm not sure when it started, I just know that I've always been wary of my sister, and my parents didn't do much to help. They scolded her when she did it in public, they told me to fight back, but whenever I actually tried it always ended in sister getting riled up, and the adults coming to separate us. I got the dark glances, because 'why are you making it worse, can't you just ignore it?'

The hell I could. I'm not supposed to be tolerating things like that from anyone, least of all from my own sister. Add to that the fact that, while not outright bullied I didn't have a very good time in school either. Someone had gotten into them that I was fat and ugly and smelled bad, and because of that the boys taunted me behind my back; like holding their noses and not talking to be and so on. Granted, I never cared how I looked so perhaps my hygiene wasn't the best, and my clothes maybe weren't new all the time and so on, but it was still hard to take.

My parents divorced when I was eight, right after we had moved and I changed into a new class. I ended up living with my dad and little sister, and there things became really bad; we couldn't talk to each other, dad had trouble making the economy go around, and I suspect he drank quite a bit, even if he never did it at home. I remember that there were a lot of young people coming and going in the house, maybe 20-25 year olds; they had parties at home, played 'funny' songs that really shouldn't have been taught to us at that age.. ^^'

I had more and more of a hard time putting up with my sister; one time when we prepared to go to school she started that jumping again, and just glared at me when I told her to stop. So when she was in the middle of a jump, I pushed her so she fell down; it was quite the narrow hall, full of wardrobes and so on, and it could have gone really bad. I remember dad coming rushing, beginning to scold me, and I couldn't understand why. It was she that had stared it, right? I was just protesting, like they had told me to do. It was impossible to talk to the kid most of the time, and the only reason why I didn't hate her was the fact that at rare occasions we could get along so well that nothing seemed to have ever happened between us.
Eventually it just didn't work anymore, and I ended up moving to mom's place so we could be apart for a while. They figured that if we had time to miss one another it'd get better.. It didn't, really. Sister still spent the weekends at mom's, and I hated that time because it was like she ruined my safe place. She mad mom look worried and cry, and that was something I couldn't stand.

Time dragged on, we got older. Things became a little better; as my sister got older she at least began to try and hide what she did to the public; friends and so on, even though the rest of the family still knew about it. Then mom got herself a new man; we had barely heard about it at all before she announced that he would be moving in with us. We never got a chance to say anything about it at all, he just came and moved in, and then we had to move again to get a bigger house. I think both me and my sister hated him from the start. He's a fat man, old and looks sickly somehow without it being possibly to point out exactly how. He's around sixty now, but he acts like a five-year old. He needs compliments for the most basic things or he gets sulky, he never listens when people talk; you have to repeat what you had to say at least three times before he picks it up, and even then he doesn't give a rats ass about it. He spends all his time in front of the computer, or the TV, or smoking, and he's the cheapest person I've ever met. When it comes to cars or his computer, or the tv he can pay out however much just to get a new one, but things like the garden, or the bathrooms, or the kitchen he doesn't care about. It took mom two years to make him agree to restore the bathrooms, and it's completed only now..

Ugh. Yes, I hate him. Loathe, despise, contempt.. Call it what you want, it's probably correct. Without feeling ashamed I can say that if he suddenly dropped dead, I wouldn't care at all. I wouldn't cry, and while I probably wouldn't rejoice I'd most likely breathe a sigh of relief.

Back to my sister.. Last year when I went to school, it seems that my sister began to transfer her behavior to mom and Lars. She call it 'germ-fobia', and I can't really argue, even though I think it's too simple an explanation. It's more like OCD.. but yeah, now the relationship in the house has worsened from barely tolerable to unbearable. I handle it by avoiding people entirely; I cooped myself up in my room, stuck to books or the computer and tried to stay out of the line of fire. Lina and I was able to talk a little bit better, but it's still not friction free...

Anyway, they came down here with my things this Friday, and I had been looking forward to a nice time, exploring the island and taking it easy. It didn't end like that though. Mom and Lina continuously fought this silent war of distaste, hurt feelings and silence; mom coughed or did something with her throat or mouth, and Lina frowned, shook out her things or blanket and whatever. Mom got these huge, hurt blank eyes and looked pathetic, and then they looked at me as if to get a judge over who had the right to be most childish. More than one time mom began to cry, my sister sulked in silence, and I tried to smooth it over...

Then last night, they actually woke me up with their ridiculous fights. Mom cried and complained, saying how she wanted to kill herself off and Lina sighed and rolled her eyes, eventually leaving the room; when I woke up again mom was crying again and pretended like she didn't, sister just lay on her bed and stared up in the roof...

I just snapped.

This school is my safe haven. I came here to do something about myself, both emotionally and educationally, and I've always felt that I could relax here. I expect the calm, enthusiastic feeling of the place to rub off on my family too, but it's like they don't even notice it; they're too locked up in their struggle to even realize where they are. They came as my guests to this place, and I hoped that we could have a good time. Instead, they sullied my room with this ridiculous behavior, they never even tried to understand what I might be feeling about it...

So, I threw them out. Just like that, when they sat on their beds and expected someone else to come and repair the situation. I told them that I wanted them to go home, that I no longer planned on putting up with the mood or their selfishness, and then I showed them on the door. And they left. And now they're gone, and I'm in shock. I actually did it, I threw them out! It's almost revolutionary somehow, that I actually went through with it, and even more so that they actually complied. I've never felt so good about myself as when my sister began to sob and muttered something like 'you're not so fun yourself you know' and gathered her things.. I almost felt like laughing.

Right now it feels.. kind of strange. My hands have stopped trembling, and they're obviously gone, and I think I don't feel like laughing anymore. I'm thinking more about what things will be like from now on. So far I've been silent and passive, accepting anything and everything they threw at me. But now, for the first time I put down my foot and claimed a boundary. How will they take it? Will they understand, or will they sulk and not forgive me for showing exactly how silly they look? I'm glad I don't have to go home for a while; I'm not sure I could face them yet, I don't know how I should act from now on. Do I go back to the same passive state as before? Can I go back, even if I wanted to? It's such a trivial thing, and yet for us, who never raise our voices and demand things from others, it's groundbreaking. Have I separated myself from them now, for good?

It'll take some thinking to come to a decision. I'm only grateful that I have people around me that can help me gain a better footing. Both here on Mizahar, in other places and irl at school. It'll be interesting to see what happens from now on....

I think the only pleasant thing that happened yesterday was sitting with the music-students in the dining hall of the school, drinking tea and playing cards and singing. It was nice being surrounded by old friends, familiar people that don't demand anything from me; if anything, they just want me to be there and participate in their games and discussions, and that I'm more than happy to do. It's not even a request; I'm simply welcome whenever I wish to join, when I have time and feel like it. It's a kind of freedom I'm still not used to, and I appreciate it more and more for every time I take advantage of it.

It's a nice feeling, to know that you have a choice and that I am free to be who I want and do what I want...

by **Taln** on September 4th, 2011, 3:16 pm

I'm trying, but my svenska is poor at best.
Hej, mina svenska språket är mycket dåligt bredvid er engelska kompetens. Jag förstår det eftersom jag använde att leva på det sättet too.It är aldrig lätt att leva på det sättet med din familj. Det kan tyckas märkligt i början, men gratulationer till er frihet.

by **Rista** on September 6th, 2011, 5:23 pm

Today has been a rather good day. I went with my class to a local farm this morning, to watch as they got their sheep sheared. It's interesting to see, and the sheep are cute; they look so insulted when they're released again, having gone from these fluffy walking fur-balls to naked-looking creatures with glistening gray coat.

The shearing in itself looks kind of brutal though, and I can't help but gasp every time the animals begin to wriggle and twitch and try to get away. I know the man isn't harming them in any way, and I know he probably has full control over both the critters and the shearer, but it's nervous to watch anyway.

Not sure how much you can see. It was hard to get close enough for a good shot since it was so many people in the group, and my cellphone got low on batteries before I could photo the sheared sheep, but ah well. ^^ I've got plenty of time to take pictures, there's sheep all over this island.

After lunch there was a meeting about additional course choices. Pretty fun, we could choose to visit three different stations to look at things we might want to do; I'm tempted to go Choir on Mondays and Music Workshop on Tuesdays... I'd love to go to the Cambridge English lessons too - it's a class where they prepare for some test on international lever, I think it was something like Toffel test or similar. It'd be great to have something like that, but I've planned to start taking lessons in archery, and those meetings are on Wednesdays, the same time as that course. It's a shame, I wanna do both.. T-T

Anyway, that's pretty much all I have to say. Nothing overly much is going on around here aside from school; I need to go in to Visby someday and get my new ID card, I should probably go to the bath-house and buy myself a training card too... It'll have to wait until I've payed the first rent though. I'm not sure how much money I'll have left after that.

It's been a while since I offered any music, right? I can't say this one goes well with my mood right now - I'm just feeling lazy after all - but it'll have to do. I don't feel like searching for something else, so

Enjoy ^^

by **Rista** on September 9th, 2011, 1:26 pm

I'm going for a slightly darker frametrans today. Why, you ask? Well, it's not because I feel depressed. I haven't in quite a while actually, which I see as a really good thing. No, the reason for my muted tone today.. is that I have pictures. Tons of them, to be exact. And since they have lots of colors in them, dark feels like a better backdrop.

Yesterday, was a completely and utterly awesome day. Together with my class and the other people on Textile, we went out about half an hour, three quarters of an hour from Hemse, to the east coast of this island I am on. It's a place called Holmhällar, and it is absolutely gorgeous, as you're about to find out. We brought with us pots and kettles, lots of firewood, wool yarn and leaves from different plants we had gathered the day before.

Subject of the day? Dying the yarn with plants, to see what kind of colors we could get.

So, to start with the pictures..

This is a panorama view over the area we were spending the day at. The coast is actually curving, it's not straight like that, but it gives a pretty good overview of the place ^^

The first thing we did was to divide us into smaller groups and get fires going, since we needed to get the water warm and almost boiling as quickly as possible. After that, we began to prepare the ingredients. My group was in charge of dying with Walnut. Both green leaves and nuts; they both give color, the leaves a green tone and the nuts a brownish-purple color.. we didn't have enough nuts though, so we just threw them in together to get as much color as possible.

The 'soup' we managed to create actually looked really tasty, and there was this sweet fresh scent hovering in the air around the fire ^^

While we did that and the other groups prepared their pots, the yarn was treated with alum, (aluminium salt) in order to better take up the colors.

The recipe for that is as follows:

- 1 hg Wool yarn - in hanks, so the color gets to all of the yarn
- 20 gr Alum (aluminium salt) or horsetail plants, it's what they used in the olden days.
- 5 l water
- 1 hour at 90*C

If you're dying more yarn, just find out the weight and double the recipe accordingly.

Here's a few pictures of the pots of the other groups; there was a lot of free time between feeding the fire and the different steps of the process, so I had plenty of time to kill with the camera ^^

All in all we were using 8 different extracts. These were:

* Madder - a plant whose dried roots give a red to reddish brown color.
* Cochineal - collected from a type of lice, that are dried and ground. Gives a scarlet/violent, sometimes almost pinkish hue
* Walnut - a tree, whose leaves and over-ripe nuts give color. The leaves gives a green tone, while the nuts, if collected at the right time, gives a brown-purple hue.
* Stone Lichen - a type of lich that can be found around the coast, and probably in several other places as well. Gives a red-brown to orange color, depending on the strength of the bath and the color of the yarn (white or gray).
* Hazel - Using the fresh leaves and the nuts, you get a light spring green.
* Bresilj - the bark of a tree from South America, if I understood correctly. It's placed in water over the night before use, and when used it gives a rich purple-blue color that is absolutely stunning.
* Birch - using the leaves, you can actually get seveal hues depending on which time of the year it is. The color is a spring green through dark green.
* Seed-heads from Reed - gives a yellowish-brown color.

Other things that can be used to dye with is heather, tansy (both gives yellow colors), indigo (blue) and so on; there are as many plants as there are possible colors to be had.

So, once the water was warm and so on, the leaves were to be simmered at 90*c for about an hour.

Then it was time to put in the yarn; using sticks, you carefully get the wool accustomed to the difference in temperature by turning it in the color bath.

It's because wool is very sensitive to changes in temperature; the fibers of the hair looks like hooks that grip to each others, and when it gets hot or worked with very much, they clasp together. If one were to just throw in the hanks they would clump together, and you wouldn't be able to use the yarn later.

After this was done, we got to go and eat lunch... and I spent some time photographing the scenery ^^ The lunch was eaten at a resort nearby; the dish of the day was boiled potatoes, smoked salmon, salad and bread.. absolutely delicious, I ate until I almost rolled out of there

After lunch, some of the first hanks were ready to be taken up. This was done in reverse to before; taking them up, letting them cool a bit in the air, before washing the excessive color out in the sea. There were some speculating today over how soft the yarn became; some suggested it was because of the sea water, since we didn't add anything to soften the wool. There was a comparison to inland water with a lot of lime and/or iron in it, and the water in the sea; it's more salt/sweet somehow. I suppose it can make a difference

This is the Bresilj I mentioned.. lovely, isn't it? ^^

And the lichen, if I'm not mistaken..

A comparison between the color of gray vs white yarn, dyed in Cochineal.

As there is quite a lot of color left in the water after the first two hanks, so for most of the groups there were two sets of yarn; one primary bath, and one secondary, where the colors were fainter but still amazingly clear and beautiful.

Slowly but surely a collection of these wonderful colors began to appear between the houses, swaying a bit in the wind to dry...

Hard to imagine that this is accomplished simply by using some leaves, right? ^^

This is how they always did it, before they used chemicals in everything. All of this is perfectly natural, and when we were done with the water we could just pour it out on the ground and let it flow into the ocean... No effects, no toxins.. as natural as it comes ^^

Once everyone was done we packed the yarns down, cleaned up and put the fires out... and then we could go home. We started at around 9 am, and I think we got in the cars again at 4 pm, something like that. A perfect day with really nice weather, a strong wind and warm sun, and everything went more or less as planned. Some groups (including mine) had some problems with getting the water up in temperature, but all in all things went smoothly.

I slept pretty well last night...

Here's some odd pictures.. not sure where to place them, so ^^

That's all I have for now...
Hope you enjoyed ^^ I certainly did.

by **Rista** on September 11th, 2011, 2:48 pm

Sometimes I just feel like snazzing things up.. Don't know why. It doesn't really matter what kind of background I have to my rants, does it? People read or don't read anyway, and the context doesn't change because of a pretty picture behind the words.

Or does it?

This is a difficult thing to admit, but sometimes I get minority complex. I look at the things I have and the things I do, what I have accomplished. So far its all good, I can even feel a little proud over myself. Perhaps I smile, give myself a pat in the back for a good idea, and go to sleep with a satisfied feeling. But those times are rare and far in between. Why? Because, when I see the things other people have accomplished, what they have done, how they have written something, I get this sinking feeling in my stomach. I feel like covering up the things I've done then, tucking them in under the bed and ignore them. I can't help but comparing myself to others all the time, and when I do, the things I have made always looks flawed.

I look at my writing, and then I look at what someone else have written. The text that once looked completely fine suddenly becomes rushed, it lacks the flow and the feeling. It's not always possible to point out exactly what is wrong with it, it's just this feeling of not holding the same quality.

Is it how I write? I feel that I often rush things, write too long posts with too little content. I sure know the art of word-pooping, how to fill out a page with fluttery nonsense that could have been cut out without changing the content at all. I suck at describing scenery, my attempts at action always deteriorate into a soulless "and then, and then, and then.." and the process of thought tends to take up all the space, exhausting my sense of detail and even making me loose track of what was going on.

Perhaps it is my character. Gods know that I made one with a lot of flaws. I just wonder, does she have too many flaws, and too little good sides? Or perhaps I just never give her the chance to express her good side; there's always a bitter thought lurking in all the posts with Rista, she never stays happy for very long. She exhausts me sometimes with how intense she is in everything she does. Seriously angry, seriously sad. She's always serious.. Did you notice? You never see her laugh and play around; there's always a strict purpose behind everything that she does. Perhaps that's why I feel so pressured when I write with her. She's way too tense, she needs to loosen up a bit!

In many ways we are similar; too similar even, to the point where it gets hard to separate me from her and her from me. I'm not as straight-forward as she is, and she should be more outspoken and not weigh the things she wants to say to judge the consequences. That's how I do it, but she's supposed to be blunt, sharp, edgy and to the point. What's with all this thought process, she's not supposed to be like that! Our interests are creepy similar as well, and I can't help but think that she mirrors me a bit too much. Archery, animals.. Good thing that she likes hunting and being outdoors; at least there's one part we differ at.

There's something decidedly off about her male fanclub. Kovac, Eoin, Fois, Taln... and all are nice to her. Which is great, but... where did the animosity go? I thought there would be a lot of racism in Wind Reach, and I just can't believe that her personality is so winning that they all overlook her black eyes and dark hair. She looks a bit strange, you know? How come no one judges her for it?

I find myself longing for an enemy. Someone to hate, someone that hates back to their hearts content. A rival, someone that puts twigs in the wheel, that sabotages and wants to crush her.

I think I'm getting lazy. Or perhaps I've begun to realize my own limits. I feel that I am developing this sense of love-hate towards posting for threads. I love reading the replies, and I love replying too, but there's so many, and I get the feeling that everyone wants an answer right away. I thought it was okay to have a laid back attitude towards replying, that it was okay to follow my muse and reply to the ones that grabbed my interest first, and then take the others afterwards when I was properly IC. It seemed to work at first too, but then.. I don't know. I got this question about whether I liked replying to someone else better, and it stumped me a bit. It depends, doesn't it? There comes points in all threads when there's a bit of a stop in the muse, when you need to think once or twice more than normal. I feel that I love writing with everyone, sometimes I just have more muse to write for one thread than for another.

Is it wrong then, to go with the flow and let one person wait while I indulge myself in writing with another? It doesn't sound very fair.. Then again, another time it might be another person that get to wait. I don't know. How selfish am I allowed to be when it comes to replying?

Maybe I'm just swamping myself with too many threads. I'm eager to play more with people, and I think I can handle however many threads, but then I sit there with eight threads to reply to, and the muse is gone. It's not fun anymore, even though it's fun. Love-hate, hate-love...

I wont start up any new threads now. I need to finish the ones I have, I need to cut down on the number of threads, and the number of players I'm active with at the same time. It feels awful, but I need to be realistic. One thread with every active player ends up in a lot, and then there are exciting plots and open threads, and I have some flashbacks I should be doing.. This is supposed to be fun, right? I'm sure it's still fun. Probably. Yeah, it is. I don't feel like quitting at all, so it might just be a slump. Cutting down on threads sounds like a very good thing. Don't tempt me, okay? ^^ I can't resist if you do, so spare me and wait a little; just a little bit. All the summer threads needs to be finished, and then we'll see. Moving on, moving on...

I'm quickly starting to not make sense. I'm a little bored, is all. Lazy, quite honestly. I have threads to reply to, I have things to do, but I only really want to chat with the one I like. Nothing else is as interesting, as fulfilling.

Maybe I'm just in love..

by **Rista** on September 13th, 2011, 9:11 pm

I dislike colds.

I especially dislike the beginning of a cold, where you just feel out of shape but isn't sick enough to get to stay in bed. It's annoying when the nose tickles all the time without it being possible to do anything about, and that feeling of soreness in the throat that makes it unpleasant to swallow and causes things to taste bad... It's just.. ugh. Annoying.

I want it to pass so that I can feel alert and energetic and enthusiastic. I don't want to speculate about skipping out on the school trip tomorrow because I'm not feeling well that the weather is windy and a bit cold, I don't wanna end up missing my archery-training because of fever and I most certainly don't wish to end up wasting my precious weekend being knocked out.

I have been seriously slow in posting lately, and I'd like to apologize to all that has been kept waiting. Adjusting to a new place and new routines hasn't been as easy as I had hoped, and school is still in that new phase with lots of introductions and new things.. It takes up a lot of time and energy, and I don't have much left to give once I'm done for the day. I'll try and post as often as I can manage, but I can't guarantee that it gets more than three or four replies a week.. and then mostly at the weekends, when I can sit down and take my time and do things properly.

Thanks for your patience, and I'll try to shape up and reply to you soon!

I have a song on my mind. It's been there for several days now, and it still sounds as incredibly awesome as it did the first time I heard it. In fact, it's one of those songs that turns better and better the more I listen to it, and I just can't seem to stop play it.

I'm going to share it with you.

The lyrics are translated by Fois/Cris, the language is Lithuanian (beutiful, is it not? ^^)

lyrics :

by **Gossamer** on September 14th, 2011, 7:48 pm

I just wanted to say I love your scraps. I love the random ones. I love the ranty ones. I love the cute ones. I like the ones about colds and other things that make you feel whiny. I even like the ones you delete because you second guess yourself. You come across as REAL. You come across as human and not someone who's trying to be someone they aren't. Thank you for sharing yourself with us.

If people don't understand how awesome you are, they should probably take some of their precious time and yours to get to know you.

'nuff said.

by **Rista** on September 15th, 2011, 9:03 pm

Thank you Goss! One of these days I am going to bake a whole lot of cookies and send to you, just to make sure you know how much I appreciate hearing this. I'd need a list of eventual allergies and an inconspicuous - or rather unobtrusive, not sure which word is more appropriate - address to send them to, but aside from that I'm already as good as at it!

Wow.. How do I continue after something like that? It's like when you doodle things in the margin of your notes in school just enjoying yourself, only to have someone comment on them being nice and suggesting that you use them for something. Suddenly there's all this pressure, because you know people are watching.

Because you are watching, aren't you? Don't try to hide, I see you..

That reminds me of when we had a party with the family last time. Well, party is perhaps saying too much, it was more of a barbecue dinner thing. We sat in the garden among the thistles and the weeds, fighting the mosquitoes and the flies and eating, trying to keep up with everyones conversations all at once, while at the same time keeping an eye on the kids... You know how it is. Family gatherings.. Anyway, our house lies right next to a walkway that leads down to the town, and the garden ends in an area of vegetation, a simple slice of forest that for some reason has been left between our neighborhood and the rest of the town.

Once we were done eating, my older sister began to play a game of hide and seek with the two elder kids, my nephew and niece; I was just watching with half-hearted attention, since it was cold and I longed to get back to the computer. There are actually quite a lot of places to hide along that walkway, around the corner of the house and so on, and they played a few times, each taking their turn to count wile the others hid. Then it became my Nephew's turn to count, and as he did, my older sister ran towards us and hid behind the large rhododendron shrub we have between our lawn and the road.. Now lets just be honest. We are rather big boned in our family, and my sister isn't the most slender of women. She is cute and wonderful and I love her, but she could use to loose a few pounds.

My nephew began to search around for a while, looking around the corner of the house, down the walkway and in the bushes around it, without finding her anywhere. Just behind him there was a light-post
and as he dragged out on the search his father decided to try and 'help' him out a bit.

So he called out "Hey Noa, she's hiding behind the lightpost!"

Guess what? The poor chap turned around, and all of us that was sitting around the table couldn't help but start to laugh. Not even with all the well meant effort in the world would anyone be able to hide behind that lightpost, it was perhaps ten centimeters in diameter, and least of all my beloved sister. And he still turned around.. It was hilarious.

After that, they continued the game, my sister still hiding behind the bush. The kid begins to walk towards us, and then all of a sudden his little sister of three years comes running, in plain sight, towards my hidden sister, calling out loud and clear "Hide, he's coming, hide now!"

I don't think she has grasped the game fully yet.. And when she does, she will be a world champion in hide and seek, just because she now knows exactly what she shouldn't do.

...

Hm, I don't know.. Why is it that it seems less fun now when I tell you about it than it was at the time? Internal jokes probably are like that, but still. You should have been there, it was fun and I had a good time.. Despite the cold, and the mosquitoes, and the thistles in the lawn.

Before I go..

Fois! You left chat before I saw that you were back in the first place. Shame on you! I'll just say it here instead. Goodnight, sleep well, and I hope your travel goes as planned. I hope you won't have to deal with jet-lag, I hope China treats you well; if it doesn't, tell me about it and I'll come and make it change its mind! ^^ I'll catch you sometime in the weekend, that's a promise.

There. All done. Now I'm off to bed; please let me wake up without a fever, so I can attend the last lesson of the week. Two days, and I'm quite ready to start climbing the walls... Actually, I wish this wretched cold could just jump out the window or something. I can live without it, seriously.

That is all! For now...