Short Version:It was alright, I learner a lot, grew a lot, and went to Uni. Now to the next year.
Long Version:I generally don't look back at myself, ever. If anything I try to do the exact opposite - i.e. bury it in the ground and hope it never gets found. But, with a slight attempt to at least start the new year off on a different foot (by attempt I mean, spew nonsense all over my scrap) I have decided to challenge myself in my own special way. Through the power of a year review!
Now, this can end up going one of two ways; Either a slow soul draining process that never seems to end, or something witty to help past the time between the next few posts. I am hoping the latter if you have not guessed. So without further pause, let's begin the breakdown of this year.
Starting with something fun; I've talked to a few people, all different walks of life and cultures. I won't go into depth as to what about, it would be too much to write out. So I picked out the most amusing conversation that came to my mind as I was writing. And when I say amusing, I mean the ones that make me always end up chuckling or set the occasional others off. So for all the fun that Mizahar chat can supply - be it from the clean to the lewd - my most amusing is alas not from there. Besides chat quotes is there to immortalise those conversations, so with that in mind I decided to take one from the real world that stuck out the most. So, here we go;
The friend stares across the table.
Friend: Jen, I want you to talk dirty to me!
Long Pause
Jen: Talk dirty...?
Friend: Yes! To me!
Jen: Grit, grime, mud, earth, filth, muck, mire...
Also, for those who haven't worked it out yet, yes, I am a Jen or a Jenny, or a Jennifer, or a JenJen, or a JP - though I suggest you avoid calling me any of the former because it might cause a bit of confusion.
If there is anything I can happily say that I have learned from this year it's not being afraid to ask questions. Now, this for me is a bit of a big step. Asking questions - more so when I was younger - always resulted in me getting a hard time for it. This hard time resulted in my own personal reluctance to ask, thus discouraging learning and left the constant feeling that I didn't
deserve the right to ask. And when I did eventually find myself being pushed into asking I felt belittled and for the most part was treated as if I was an idiot, a chore or both - plus my questions most of the time was left unanswered anyway. Then came Mizahar and it's relatively friendly 'ask questions!' policy. Yes, I blame you guys for me coming out of this one. Either way, I now ask without the nagging feeling that I am indeed an idiot or foolish for doing so.
Questions = Win.
I also learned that Mike listens to my Vlogs
still. T'is true, don't deny it. And that I might just have one too many CS stalkers. (Note to self; must make formal list of these stalkers).
This year there was only one thing that sustained me, just like everyone else. Food. Duh.
On a more serious note, it was a healthy mixture of writing, university and work that kept me going for the most part. If it was not one of them it was the other boosting and pushing me on through the day. There is alas, no over arcing quote, no moment of deep meaningful sayings or feelings, it was simply the continuation of simply getting up and
doing.
Now back to food.
I like cooking, in fact I've most done a lot of it. Though admittedly I'm not that good at it, and so far have only two things that I can say I'm remotely good at doing, not burning and will happily serve up to someone. Egg free cookies and Macaroni cheese-bake-thing. Next year's target is to learn another three, at least that way I can try and offer someone a five course meal or spice things up with a different one on occasion.
It was also a year of learning for me, self discovery and identification to a degree. The first which we will only briefly brush upon being learning I'm a sufferer of depression - it lifted a weight off my shoulders, brought air to the intense suffocation, it answered that nagging question as to
what was wrong and allowed me to find a way to work with it and most importantly how to deal with it. On the downside to that I might as well rattle with the amount of tablets I take, but I'm learning and growing; finding my vices and virtues on that front slowly but surely. Yes it's hard, but I'll survive one way or another.
Now onto the lighter what have I learned. The second is that I can still be reduced down to the mind set of some giggling fourteen-year old girl. It seems my age old nemesis' of stuffed animals and teddy bears can still defeat me and lead me down the path of temptation. And when I say giggle, I do mean giggle and stare all big eyed at them.
THEY'RE CUTE AND FLUFFY AND ADORABLE, DON'T JUDGE!
Third and final, it was that I was not perfect - i.e. accepting that I'm bound to make mistakes and will screw up, a lot - and with this understanding that hey, it's alright to be a slightly identity lost at times and nervous about who you are; even if young, gender-something, a student, wearer of guy clothes (because they're
so comfy), LARPer, writer, coder and doodler.
But with all this learning about myself I also learned to let go of things. The biggest for me was my old Life. Now before ANY of us get the wrong idea and think I'm making a one way trip to somewhere, I don't mean it like that. I mean accepting life - thus not trying to strangle it and force situations and 'what ifs?' - and who you are as a person. As some of us may have guessed with the current trend that this year has been a bit of a self discovery and identity of myself - bit late in the game perhaps at my age, but it had to happen at some point. By allowing myself to let go and try not to force things or trying to lead myself somewhere that was really not for me, I learned to let go, to step back and look at the big picture. And it's on times like that when you do look at it, that you can really see how big some things really are and the way they work.
I suppose really this sense of epiphany hit me only a few days ago, if that - an entire year of build up and work suddenly all came crashing down and life just for a brief moment made sense. I could go on about it in a philosophical manner, but I don't think I'd be able to give it justice. That and I've discovered I have a great knack at being
shit at self explanation and expression - it doesn't mean I don't care though, I just choose to stay silent and give the reassuring pat and cuddle instead.
What can I say? We're human. We're not perfect creations, we have our faults and flaws, those little bits of quirks that define us from the rest - if you are however a 'Perfect Human' please drop me a line, I wish to see what that sort of being is like.
But, for all good intentions we still try - something that distinguishes us from the rest. Maybe we can't open up the trash can and throw in all the ills of the world, and maybe we can't give everyone a good time, but all we can do is simply reach out and offer the hand to them. Perhaps - for the most part - we're little more than voices and pieces of text, but we're all still people at the end of the day. And it's those same people that are now part of our lives, even if they are miles away across sea and land they still share the same sort of happiness as us - they laugh and cry, literally or internally - and when they become troubled it saddens us lot too. At the end of the day all we can do is reach out and say in these cases, "Hey, I'm here if you want to chat," and sometimes that's all they need, and that's something we've got to do.
Because we care about those little words and voices. Because they're human too. The door is always open as always on that front, rain or shine. Snow though? You might have to knock and tell me to whack on the heaters.
Hmm, this turned deep and meaningful. Quick! Something silly!
I could go on. But I won't, I'll start turning sentimental and will most certainly waffle. Wait, I've done that already. And so with that, from this Island in the Atlantic Ocean, I bid you a happy new year! Bring on 2014.
