[Caelum's Scrapbook] Use Your Words.

[Caelum]

Recovery. I've never been an invalid before. Now I've had a taste for it and it's no good. I don't recommend having to have someone or a machine literally do everything for you. Even in the best of circumstances, it gets old after about the first two days. By day three you're realizing that your "forced vacation" doesn't allow you to actually accomplish anything. You can't destress, for one, because you're worried about the hospital bills that are totalling at just under a hundred thousand dollars. That's right, just under one hundred thousand. You also can't have much fun because there is, truly, only so many times you can watch the Back the Future trilogy while petting your dog before even Michael J. Fox gets annoying. You can't lift anything, walk terribly far, or go too long without taking a pain pill that clouds your mind too much to be capable of writing coherently. Seriously, y'all. Previous to this, I would have given my right arm for time off to do nothing but write and work on my art. Now it would appear I have given several organs but don't have enough mental clarity to go around. It looks like I'll need to return to work sooner than later, too, as a lack of short disability and having already gone through all of my PTO means a distinct lack of paycheck. My husband has a job, so we're not as as bad off as some people might be in the same situation. The situation, however, is still mind blowingly annoying. I'm glad to have Caelum who is highly entertaining even in the worst of times. I know him so well at this point that I can usually write for him with or without a great deal of clarity. Now, he may come across as a total idiot, but that's more my fault than his. Further, my writing quality itself hasn't been anything to write home about (get it?), but luckily y'all seem to be the forgiving sort. I think tomorrow I'm going to try and set a harder, higher physical goal for myself. I've been doing my physical therapy, but not actually pushing myself physically for the past few days. Largely this is because I've been sort of down and clawing at walls and generally moody about the entire situation. This, clearly, needs to change. Nobody ever got anything done by whining. Well, nothing worthwhile. Recover, hurry up and go already! -k.

[Caelum]

Marching on. I lost most of the year thus far to bullshit and have decided that the rest of 2014 is going to be awesome. There was a lot of writing done today to hallmark it and also? My nails are super pretty, y'all. My mom hauled me out of the house yesterday, terrified I was becoming a shut in as well as an invalid, and took me to get a pedicure as a belated birthday present. My birthday passed while I was in the hospital, so. It's amazing how getting pretty toes will make a girl feel better. In fact, it did so great a job that I painted my fingernails today. Here's a picture. Sorry I suck at painting my own nails, but whatever. It's Fairy Princess by Sonia Kashuk. For those lurking who I hear love make up and what not, Sonia Kashuk has some fantastic eyeshadow. Seriously fantastic. Great colors, very vivid, and with staying power.

[Caelum]

Faith in man. These past months have been of the worst in my life. Not the worst, but in the top three. Things like that are incapable of being survived unchanged. Major life events – the real kind that you never mistake, not just the sort someone tells you is supposed to be -- alter people. I’m not talking about the long term consequences as it pertains to my actual body and family life, though those are obviously important. I’m talking about the psychological consequences that, while are tied to those of my body and family life, manage to encompass far more. I can talk about the awful things. There are an abundance of horrors and everyday tragedies and they tend to stand out starkly, as if pain itself outlines them in neon so you can’t mistake them even by night. But the little hells I have suffered and survived of recent are not at all what urged me to write this. They are important only insofar as the damage they wreaked has been balanced by an abundance of unexpected acts of kindness and compassion. To be perfectly blunt, these things have restored my faith in man when my belief in myself had run out of the energy to sustain. This is not a victor’s speech and I won’t go a list of everyone needing thanked. Some of them are you and others none of you have ever met. My family is exceptional. It goes without saying. My friends, well, apparently I have truly exquisite taste in them. Y’all? Y’all not the least of which. But it’s the company I work for that has truly astonished me and helps to haul me again and again into the light when my mind gets too dark with frustration or grief. They aren’t family. They are friends based on the fact that we work together and must get along. Or so I thought. Nevertheless, my boss has given me, at this juncture, no less than three separate paychecks. I say given because they are absolutely gifts. I ran through my PTO for the year in the first round and I don’t have short term disability. The only thing the company was legally obliged to do after that was hold my job for me. Instead of just that, however, they visited me in the hospital and paid me for an extra month and a half that I didn’t work and wasn’t owed and then allowed me to come back on half days and even went so far as to arrange a car pool schedule for me so that I could get back and forth to the office while still not released by my doctors to drive. People talk about duty and obligation like it just happens at times, without much effort and lacking in a wealth of meaning. Only that’s not true, I’ve found. Not everyone cares, and among those that do not everyone cares enough to be genuinely active in their communication of it. It takes a far deeper compassion and sense of moral obligation and human concern to spend time, money, and energy on a person, any one or combination of these. It’s an investment, but not in the way of loyalty or returns or other less selfless things. Instead I think it’s an investment in man, almost a way of shoring up what faith and hope you have in this world so that when the next person is in need of it there may still be a communal account from which to withdraw. There may yet still be people who know how to actively care. -k.

[Caelum]

Hope is not the expectation that things will turn out well, but the conviction that something is worth working for, however it turns out. -Vaclav Havel. A previous note. I was talking to a fellow player the other day about character traits and character diamonds and character facets, primarily in what ways all of the various depths and degrees and angles of a character can be shown. Don’t act surprised. Everyone knew I’d start blathering on about writing again eventually. Caelum is a prime example because in most current time situations he comes across as a very decent, lawfully good sort of creature. That is not entirely the truth, and it certainly hasn’t been in the past. I attempt and at least think I succeed in showing some of his shadows without out-right listing his sins (so to speak). I don’t always succeed, however. In order to do so one hundred percent of the time, you have to put your character in a wide variety of interactions. The point that I’m attempting to make is one that most of you will probably recall being oversimplified from some English lit course at one level of schooling or another – character foils. Foils are just one of several ways to show off different facets of your PC. The ground rule is it is impossible to fully know and understand a character without his or her in depth interaction with at least three other characters and/or situations. The more, the better. I mentioned it before in a thing years ago I’ll quote below (and bold the directive). A Note on Storyteller Plot Static Disclaimer: this is absolute rubbish, so take it with a shot of whiskey or not at all. The plots presently piling in my mind are legion. There are Pycon sized and Isur sized and everything in between. This is because I'm insanely useless and have PC plots as well as guest mod plots as well as a citywide plot and all of the smaller plots within the aforementioned poking at my brain with pointy sticks. This is to help me remember how it all is supposed to work out. When building the plot structure for a guest mod thread, the first thing I desperately attempt to wrangle out of the player is what their goal is for the thread. Do they want to learn projection? Open a business? Have their character get their rightful body back? (Thanks, Kendall.) The problem comes in on two different levels. 1. The player does not have a concrete goal. or 2. The player has made the mistake of thinking their goal for the thread is their character's goal. Or vice versa. Allow me to explain. My goal for Izdihar in a particular flashback thread (that I really, really need to find time to resurrect) is to meet the qualifications for her seasonal income by displaying how she built her present business. That goal is mine. Izzy knows nothing about this goal. Izzy is being racist and shady in the desert. What does she know about all I do for her? What does she care? Nada. OOC goals versus IC goals. Simple, right? I wish. It's an easy mistake for me to make when starting a thread. It's not that I don't know the difference, it's that I don't stop to think about it all the time. The result is all to often me in the middle of a thread that has stalled because I thought my goals for it were going to be enough to push it through despite my complete failure to ascertain what my character's goal is in it. You see? I have seen this in other players too. As a storyteller, official or not, I believe it to be of utmost importance to finagle out of players not only what they want out of a modded thread, but what their character will want. Armed with that information, it is a great deal easier to create, borrow or out right steal the appropriate NPCs with (THIS PART IS VERY IMPORTANT) equally as concrete goals of their own for the thread. That's right. I have screwed up threads for other players by failing to give the NPC I was modding an appropriate goal. Why is that even important? Who cares as the modded thread is clearly for the PC and the NPC/s are but supporting cast? Easy. The true depth of a character is shown in writing by their interactions with other characters. Period. The more characters with one a character has interactions, the more facets of their personality are displayed. A PC cannot be shown off to their best ability nor make real progression if the NPC they are playing off of is flat. The NPC will be flat, too, if s/he does not have a goal. To take things one step further, worlds are just like characters. Offical storytellers in this forum are responsible for world development. Worlds are shown in their true depths and many facets by their interactions with characters. Is a world going to have a goal? No. Their function is different. Worlds aren't goals. Worlds are the ultimate Plot Vehicle. More on Plot Vehicles later. Below is an example of a modded thread formula: PC: Goal (Learn Swordsmanship) + Conflict (Swords Are Sharp & Weapons Are Dangerous) = Plot (How to learn the sword without maiming self.) NPC: Goal (Teach PC Swordmanship) + Conflict (PC is a klutz) = Plot (How to teach PC the sword without anyone at all getting maimed.) Plot Vehicles: Location (Training Ground), Cool Weapons, Warrior's Philosophy That is it at its most basic. I'm a dork who actually writes those things out for even so uncomplicated and straight forward a plot for a modded thread. It really comes in handy, however, when it gets twisty. Like so: PC: Goal (Steal Stormgem) + Conflict (A all the way through Z) NPC: Goal (Guard Stormgem Owner) + Conflict (PC trying to steal from owner at any cost + B, C, D, etc.) NPC 2: Goal (Assassinate Guard for Ulterior Motive) + Conflict (Guard is badass.) NPC 3: Goal (Serve Dinner to Stormgem Owner) + Conflict (Thieves and Assassins getting in the way) NPC 4: Goal (Eat dinner, go to bed) + Conflict (All Hell Just Broke Loose!) Then you throw in gritty details about each NPC, going so far as to create complete Character Diamonds for some, add a couple plot vehicles with location, potential magics, et cetera, and you've got a twisty little tale to tell. A twisty tale that is really easy for me to lose track of (and thus let some poor player's modded thread stall) if I don't have everything hashed out like so. I tend to get the whole plot skin in some weird and unwieldy idea bundle and then have to break it down. It rarely happens the other way around though, frankly, I prefer it that way. Time for bed again. Katie: Goal (Go To Bed) + Conflict (Doesn't Know When to Shut Up) = Somebody Get the Duct Tape. - katie. I won’t be around much to speak of this weekend as I have a houseguest. Hope y’all have a great one. -k.

[Caelum]

Post-Op Humor. At one of many follow up appointments this morning, by doctor told me that the other doctor (I had six different specialists by the time it was said and done) didn’t think to remove my appendix until he was standing in front of my family telling them about what they found and what they had to do next. Apparently, he came back into the OR and said, “We need to take more organs!” (Notably, the surgery started out as an exploratory scope and turned into a major deal because I was super sick. Hence, why they weren’t expecting to have to take any organs, let alone multiple.) Now I’m envisioning my doctors standing over me lifting up organs one after another and muttering to themselves this one? No, that one’s fine. What about over there? Hey, hand me her gall bladder… I’m twistedly amused by this.

[Caelum]

This was interesting. This weekend I downed a few glasses of wine with some old friends. Four of them I have played sundry writing based RPGs with in the past, and two of the four have been involved in Miz as well. All of them I know very well on a writing/gaming level if not on others. It came up as it tends to about once every two or so years that two of our mutual friends were talking about re-starting an old game. The game in question the whole group used to be central players of and some of us were mods. The beta run of the game started when I was nineteen and I was in on it. The last version of it ended about four years ago, though really the best version ended long before that. I wasn’t involved in all of the revisions, though I did my fair of them, and I know that at one point the game split and people took balls to new courts to do their own thing. All in all, I’d say there have been four major versions and six minor, smaller offshoots. Anyway, the numbers don’t matter. The point is that about every two years or so I get an email or a gchat or whatever from someone attempting to drum up interest in another relaunch. I get it. I really, really do. It was, for a while, a ridiculously good time; and there has sustained a sense of goodwill and friendship among the vast majority who were involved. Sometimes you get to missing an old character or old players and the knacks they had pulling off certain things. You wish it were a book you could reread a hundred more times, but no re-reading of old threads and chat logs can ever be the same as the actual thing. So you find yourself with some time on your hands and a dangerous address book of contacts and decide a Do Over is a great idea. It’s not. Maybe it has been for other people, but in my experience it’s just not a good idea. If it’s the people you want, get them interested in a new game with you, something like Miz that is already well established, or something brand new. It doesn’t matter. If it’s that game specifically, well, it probably died for a reason. Two of my friends this weekend were whole heartedly in agreement with me. Not so much from the others, but again that’s something I understand. The real problem in this particular instance is that the neither of the two people who are talking about relaunching are the type of people who make good game masters. One of the has a truly great grasp of story, but the other does not. One of them has the time and motivation, but a distinct lack of discipline. Neither of them have the ability to tell people who are their friends “no” and have a habit of getting in over their heads when it comes to major plot structure. You have to be able to tell people no to maintain plot structure and game integrity when you’re dealing with, well, any number of people over two. Needless to say, that thought is what inspired me to write this scrap. I think players forget that sometimes. Players want to be special. (I know I do.) Players want to do really cool and new things with their PCs. (Yup, I’m guilty of that.) Players get hit with Amazing Ideas and want to do them Now and Exactly How They Envision. (Oh, yeah. That’s me too.) Players get butt hurt when the awesome of their PC/plot/idea/whatever is not immediately obvious to their moderators and forget that it might be because they haven’t managed to communicate it effectively/consider how it might negatively effect the game as a whole/understand that it may be one of several really great ideas and moderators have a whole line of great players with great ideas awaiting their attention. Even if all the ideas aren’t great, the player still deserves their attention as much as you. Now, if you’re me, you just don’t know how to say “no” to threads. /wades back into the thread list -katie.

[Caelum]

This is relevant to all. My good friend Jenny wrote this article, The Art of Never Giving Up, and while it is about theater it is also about writing in every genre and degree. It is about doing what you love and continuing to do it where and when and how you prefer in the face of both minor and occasionally astonishingly major conflicts. Oh, and guys? She played Mizahar once upon a time too, which is a fun fact for us.

[Caelum]

Who does that? Real conversation this morning. Me: Holy shit, your grandmother just friended me on FB. Husband: Which one? Me: Dad’s mom. Husband: Well? Me: Well what? Husband: Are you going to friend her? Me: What? No! Husband: Oh, come on. You don’t even post awful things any more. Me: First, I have never posted “awful” things. Second, this woman’s husband faked a heart attack at our wedding. Husband: It wasn’t entirely fake. Me: He said it was because I was Catholic! Husband: He probably really thought he was having one, you know. Me: Oh, shut up. I’m not accepting her friend request. Husband: You can change your settings so she only sees what you want. C’mon. It’ll make her feel good. Me: There are limits in my love for you. Husband: And this is one of them? Me: Maybe. I haven’t decided yet. Husband: Well think on it and get back to me. *eye roll*

[Caelum]

In case y’all haven’t noticed, I’m posting a lot because I am going insane in this waiting room and I don’t have the patience to properly write an IC post. Hence, scrapbooking. I bring you The continued adventures of Caelum’s imaginary gf/bf. IGF: Where have you been? I’ve been waiting on you all night. Caelum: Hiding my ugly face. You should have known you’d have to wait ‘til dawn. IGF: I made you this delicious lunch with my own bare hands to show how much I care. Caelum: Mm. That’s nice. I don’t eat during daylight. IGF: Shut up! You’re being a dick. Caelum: I’m sorry. I’ll stop. IGF: …Are you giving me the silent treatment? Caelum: No, you wanted me to shut up. IGF: Stop being a dick! Caelum: I’m trying. IGF: Ugh. And more to come.

[Caelum]

Storing this here for a Caelum thing later – “You have my permission not to love me; I am a cathedral of deadbolts and Iʼd rather burn myself down than change the locks.” - Rachel McKibbens