Closed [Traveler's Row] The Caged Bird

[Noah Amuel]

Noah was floating in a stew of his own conjuration. His thoughts could run from thin water to thick, brothy soup near instantly. What he appreciated the most about having his own home away from the forest and danger within it, was that he was able to drift off completely in his own world as he ate or drank or stared absentmindedly out of one of his two windows.

He was able to keep mental tabs on where Elann was within his apartment. Even though her footsteps were light, they were still able to be distinguished against the cobblestone floor. Noah heard her footsteps grow more faint but detected the wooden door to his bedroom swish open. He paid no mind to her moving around, instead focusing on finishing his meal.

The Kelvic swallowed the steak he had in his mouth before stabbing at another cut piece. He was trying to use the utensils that Elann provided for him: forks, spoons, knifes, cutlery as he had once learned it to be called. They were proving to be a hassle, not that he didn’t have the appendages to use them but because he had to constantly fight the urge to just grab his food with his hands. The combination of fork and knife was what really caused him problems and irritation, but he was slowly getting better, especially since Elann had been cooking for him.

Noah was all but content with himself, withdrawn into his thoughts like a soft yet impenetrable cloud, floating on above without a care.

“Noah?” Elann had called, curiosity peeking in her voice.

He grunted in response, as if asking ‘what?’ before turning around slowly. As usual his eyes went directly to her face before noticing what she was carrying, a written on piece of paper pointed with the scripted side at him, displaying what was written. Noah’s eyes slowly widened in surprise as they descended from Elann’s face to the paper she extended. He didn’t have to focus on the paper for he knew what it was.

“Where’d you get that?” he quickly jutted, pushing away from the table. His eyes darted to her then back to the paper. He was standing now, hesitantly inching towards her, arms reaching up tentatively to take the paper.

[Elann]

.

It was hard for her to interpret what his eyes told her as they widened, but quickly she felt like she should have left it to lay there. It had just seemed to have come from nowhere though. She had been cleaning his clothes for a while and putting them away. So where did this come from? Was he trying to hide it?

He asked her where she got it, almost as if he expected her never to find it, as silly as that was. When he pushed up to his feet, forsaking his pain in his leg to reach out for the paper, she considered how forceful he would become with her if she resisted him.

In a sad voice at his approach she almost whimpered out, "Don't take it from me. I want to read it. It looks like a song..." she nearly pouted at his approach and held the papers to her chest, restricting him from taking them, though a moment later she lowered her arms to hold out the papers, letting him choose to take them if he wanted.

Perhaps it was manipulative, using her relationship with him to beg him with pouty lips and a sad tone, but she had no choice. His determination to take the papers from her had to be countered by equal force, and soon she would learn whether or not she held any sway over him compared to the one who was clearly written about in the paper's song.

Other's Words ~~ My Words ~~ My Thoughts

[Noah Amuel]

Noah winced as he unexpectedly put too much weight on his injured leg in his hasty step. Where the nonchalant cloud had been there was now a rushing breeze, whistling away like a fast approaching storm. The collection of papers she had were dear to Noah, they held glimpses into memories he wasn’t sure he wanted to relive. Alongside that, he wasn’t sure if he wanted Elann to know he indulged in things like poetry and songwriting.

He stood before her now, the pain in his leg coming to a dull throb. “It is a song,” he admitted, noticing the pout on her face. While he hated Elann having a hold on his papers, he hated the look upon her face more. Inside he buckled; he was ready to take the papers from Elann, but he wanted to avoid potentially harming the girl like he was sure he could do if he had half the mind to. ‘Give me the papers,’ he wanted to say, instead he just gazed at her, eyes showing their own hurt.

He didn’t mind Elann going through his things -- he usually had nothing to hide -- this was different, more personal. “Elann,” he sighed as she held the papers out in front of her. They were all personal to some degree but the paper she displayed to him initially was the most personal of it; it was about his past relationship and bond with Caesarion Panthos, the man who abandoned him after he promised to be with him. Forever, Caesarion had once said.

"I wrote it a long time ago," he said to her, letting his hands fall to his sides. "I thought I got rid of them." After he said that he remembered that he did not,he was too sad and sullen to throw them away. He wanted to keep them, to remind himself of his past love. Noah couldn't bring himself to be rid of his first and only love so quickly.

Again he set his eyes on Elann's, the pout upon her face paralyzing him in the instant. "Just," he started but fell silent. He wanted to tell her to throw it away, to burn it and never question him about it, but he knew he could not as that of her if he could not bring himself to do it. Noah stepped away from Elann, his appetite waning as he made his way to the couch.

[Elann]

.

A look of concern carried over her face as he hurt his leg, but left him be to approach her. He was determined to say the least. As she held out the papers, he didn't take them. She had already read the song, she already had seen for weeks how much this event had torn him up. She knew how much that paper meant to him which was why she didn't want to give it up. In the end he chose her over Caesarion, letting her keep the papers, yet at what cost?

His voice begged some sort of release from the prison it held him in, and he moved to the couch with a look of defeat. With care, Elann ran her fingers over the words in front of her.

With a soft voice she spoke, turning to face him on the couch, "They are beautiful words..."

She had to be honest with herself. She didn't understand the relationship between the two of them, much less seem to comprehend why he had chosen a man to be with, but it was definitely something she could see affected him greatly, and while she didn't get it, she cared for Noah. Slowly she moved to sit next to him, setting all the papers but the song sheet on the floor at her feet. She looked over each verse, hearing him say the words in her head.

She inched closer to him on the couch, reaching out a flat palm to gesture his look toward her eyes. Sympathetically she smiled warmly at him.

"Do you want to talk about it with me?"

Other's Words ~~ My Words ~~ My Thoughts

[Noah Amuel]

“They are beautiful words,” Elann said, trailing off. The young woman’s words weren’t comforting to the Kelvic, if that was what she was trying to accomplish. Noah rested on the couch, wanting the cushions to eat him, hide him from the world in their feathery embrace.

“Thank you,” he managed to mutter despite his feelings. There was a tinge of betrayal in his thoughts regarding Elann, but she could not be blamed for his fault in getting rid of the papers, the words, verses, and poems. He shifted uneasily, not wanted to meet her eyes. He stared blankly at the floor before him instead. His stare was the same as his thoughts, blank yet endless in meaning.

Elann came to sit beside him. Noah tensed, nostrils flaring slightly in irritation, minute annoyance. He was more mad at himself than Elann however, angry that he hadn’t remembered to dispose of the song, disappointed that he couldn’t bring himself to destroy it, purge it from it his mind’s eye. He sighed deeply, resting his hands on his knees, as if bracing himself.

His companion set the papers down on the floor in a neat pile. He scanned over the first and realized the song wasn’t there. Elann’s gesture caught his eyes, the ones he had been shielding from her, it caught them and dragged them to her own. Noah gazed upon her with a cautiousness, searching her eyes and features for anything. He found nothing.

“Do you want to talk about it with me?” she asked.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” he swiftly retorted. “It’s over and done with. I meant to get rid of them,” he paused, “but I didn’t.” His eyes fell from her face to the paper in her grasp. “I couldn’t,” he admitted. “I’d rather try and forget the entire thing.”

He was managing to succeed, save for the moments of weakness. Elann had been that bringer of forgetfulness, another one of her saintly aspects, allowing him to forget and reject the pain that came with his past relationship and bond.

“It’s about him, you know,” he bit his bottom lip, “Caesarion.”

The words made his mouth water grossly, like the moments before one would vomit. To de-stress, he brought a hand up to his curly hair, plucking at one of the curls, twirling it and pulling it taut again and again. Noah lounged back on the couch, resting his back against the armrest to face Elann with most of his body.

[Elann]

.

Her face showed pain as his briefly showed anger, showed disappointment when his body became braced. It was clear nonverbal communication that he most certainly did not want to talk about it. She had committed to sitting close to him already, betraying her natural bubble, but he seemed to not want her near to him. Still, it was important to him, even if he didn't immediately want to admit it.

Her patience and presence wore him down and he admitted that he wanted to get rid of them, but couldn't. She waited some more until she heard him speak about Caesarion, this strange man of the wilderness country that he had met. He was so pained by him, and the words "Could it be that it was me who messed up" ran through her head, causing her to look back down at the papers. He lounged toward her and she once again curled the papers inward toward her chest, protecting them from him.

"Yeah...Caesarion." she tensed her lips and then stood briefly. "Here...lie down"

She knew his leg had to be throbbing at least after that hasty display a few moments ago. If he accepted, she would move a pillow or cushion behind him so he could sit up and still talk with her. She'd then sit next to him, her small frame and his lanky frame hardly taking any room on the couch.

"Do you still feel like he is there? As strongly as when you wrote these words?"

Other's Words ~~ My Words ~~ My Thoughts

[Noah Amuel]

Noah rose instead of lying further down. He slanted his body towards her, his good leg tucked under the bad one. She asked him if Caesarion was still there, in his heart and mind, as clearly and strongly as the man was when Noah wrote the song. The Kelvic took a deep breath, delaying his answer. Even though he was facing her with his body and face, his eyes wandered towards the hearth, the window in front of the couch, even the areas of the couch behind Elann. He couldn’t look at her, not because he didn’t want to, but because he did not want her to see the lingering hurt in his eyes.

“Yes,” his raspy voice spoke. His mother had told him long ago that you never forgot your first love, their presence always there, lingering around to remind you of not only heartbreak but also joy. She had said that time turned your memories with them into jolly times, where you remembered the good more than the bad. It was the condition of the mind, as she put it. His mind had conditioned him otherwise. Their relationship had not been long enough to formulate joyous memories. Their meeting was random and intense, then the following night had been further polluted by the rough smashing of bodies that was intercourse.

Noah remembered that vision that depicted their bonding: a silver thread piercing into their chests to wind around their hearts, banding them together for an undetermined amount of time. He had believed that their bond would be forever and eternal, never to be broken by separation or abandonment. The latter was what killed their bond, withering away at the humanity that Noah had developed.

He realized that he had been staring past Elann the entire time, not looking completely at her but she was very apparent in his field of view. “He is still there, around, always,” he managed to squeeze more out. Noah scooted towards her until his knee touched hers then glanced at the lyrics to the song. The paper had faint water marks on it, where his tears had splashed down and absorbed into the fibers.

The Kelvic found it surprising that he did not feel the need to cry now. Maybe he had actually come far from Caesarion. It wasn’t until he thought about not crying did his eyes begin to burn. He rubbed them, begging them to cease and cease they did. The tears brimmed in his lids but did not fall. There was a knot in his throat. Once he had been numb to the prodding of Caesarion’s memories, but they came trickling back into his thoughts.

“Could it be,” he started, a careful tune in his voice. “that we are no longer.” He looked at Elann cautiously.

“Could it be that it was me who messed up
Maybe I could bring you back to my life
I need you here to keep me warm in the night

I love you
I need you

Could it be the bond we shared was so fragile
Oh please, oh please come back to me -- I need you
I need your arms around me -- hold me tight
Don’t let me go, I’ll fade away into the night”

He carried the last note. His voice wavering at the end before succumbing to a crack due to the tenseness of his throat. He sighed raggedly. Noah, oddly enough, felt marginally better. It was enough to keep his tears at bay, enough to look Elann in the eye. “What do you want to know?” he asked. He knew that he had not told Elann much about Caesarion except where they had met, in the forests of Sylira while the man was on the road to Syliras. “I’ll answer any question you have.” At this point he was being a little insistent, demanding even. He knew she had questions. He also knew that he wanted to talk about it, to share it with her, to get it off of his mind. Maybe, just maybe, the hurt would be lessened further in the future.

[Elann]

.

Noah’s refusal to lie down made her sit promptly back where she was previously. He delayed in answering her, his eyes jutted all about, dancing like the flames of the fire opposite them, yet never meeting hers. His mind seemed to be searching as he finally spoke up briefly. Elann sat there with her hands in her lap patiently awaiting him to continue as he searched.

Some time later he spoke up and scooted closer to her. His distance he had from her, both mental and physical, seemed to be breaking as he scooted closer to her once more. Elann seemed pleased by that fact, having felt distanced a bit by his thoughts and behavior. It showed that he was still there with her and not sucked into this realm of Caesarion completely.

Noah watched the paper she held, his eyes glancing across it, yet as he rubbed his eyes it seemed he didn’t need to look to the paper anymore. Instead he cautiously looked to her and began to sing the song. He carried the last note, and while it was not a well sung song by a professional, it was heartfelt and worded that way. So in its own light it was beautiful. As he looked into her eyes and could see the small smile on her lips, he could see that she thought as much. He offered next to answer any questions she had. Her gaze faltered from his with a series of blinks in thought until it seemed a list had been compiled in her mind and she returned.

“Not many men I have known speak like this where I am from. It is interesting.” she said thoughtfully as her hand brushed the surface of the soft paper under hands,

“I don’t doubt you loved this man, but I don’t know how you could have? Why after such a short time did you invest so much into him when he wasn’t someone you knew? Did he have a charm?” she quickly clarified, “No details, just what happened?” Speaking about someone else’s sexual preference and activity was not something she particularly enjoyed. “And why would you ever think this could be your fault? ‘Could it be that it was me who messed up?’ How could you think this? I know you. This is not you.”

She didn’t like talking about such topics, but his voice was pressuring her to ask, almost as if she didn’t he would be angry; knowing inside she had these questions for him. As a result she felt she had to ask the nagging questions that had bothered her for the past weeks as she had cared for him.

Other's Words ~~ My Words ~~ My Thoughts

[Noah Amuel]

“Interesting,” she had said before following with further questions for Noah to answer. The questions she proposed were questions that he had often asked himself. The answers had eluded him until recently. The time alone had allowed him to really think on himself, to reflect on the past, the moments he shared briefly with Caesarion, and the relationship that was nothing but a mutter in time compared to other, more lengthy excursions of his life.

The Kelvic was not surprised to hear that men of Elann’s culture failed to express themselves as Noah did. Noah didn’t doubt that he appeared weak in Elann’s eyes. Perhaps a lesser man compared to those she had been so used to seeing so frequently. From what Elann told him before Noah came to the conclusion that Benshiran men were macho and masculine, leaned upon as the pillars for which their culture’s hardiness had been erected. In Noah’s eyes, their cultures weren’t so different in the respect that men were supposed to be these strong symbols of support and strength. In his family, the men were much the same. It was just him that was different. While his father and brothers shared their sensitive and emotional sides, they did not show them on the caliber that Noah did. Often the Kelvic man was called a cry-baby as a child by his older brothers, even his sisters from time to time. He could not help it though. He took after his mother in the regard that his emotions spilled from him easily, especially after hiding them within his depths for so long.

He swallowed before looking at Elann again. “You could say he had a charm, yes,” he started, thinking some before speaking again. “Elann, you know that I am a Kelvic, and we have what are called bonds with others. We cannot bond with other Kelvics.” That explained why his father could not bond with his mother, no matter how much he yearned for it. “We can only bond with other species, races, most of the time it is humans who we bond with.” At that moment he tried to look into her eyes, hoping that the sincerity shown in his would put his point across.

“We do not choose who we bond it. It just,” his hands seemingly cramped with his speech, unable to find the word midst the air. “It just happens.” Noah placed his hands in his lap for an instant. “I was hunting when we met. I wanted to be alone -- ironically enough -- and that was when I found him. He was sitting at the top of a hill. The hare that I was hunting had scurried up there towards him. I was so hungry I didn’t see him at first. When I dove after the hare, I dove right past him.” His face cracked into a small smile at the memory. “I caught the hare then I began to eat it. That was when he came up to me.

“He towered over me then since I was an eagle and not a man. He tried to touch me, he reached out to pet me and I panicked. I jumped back, scared, shouting, squawking. When I turned into a man we were almost the same height and he scolded me, saying he doesn’t ‘speak bird.’ He thought it was a joke, I didn’t. I was scared and angry at myself for letting my own guard down so much. I shouldn’t have let myself go hungry for so long. It messes with my mind and concentration.

“Anyway, we started talking and we went down to his tent where he was camping with others. He cooked for me and well, we just kept talking and talking, then,” he paused, remembering that she said she didn’t want details, “we had sex.” He figured he would put it bluntly, there was no sugarcoating it after that. “While we were… together… we bonded, instantly. It was so fast and blinding that I wasn’t quite sure what it meant until it all calmed down. After so much confusion and fear I realized that I was actually happy, very happy in fact. Being there with him made me happy. I wasn’t lonely anymore; I had someone to call my own. I loved him from that instant on and I couldn’t explain why it happened that fast or how my mind and heart decided on him, but it happened.”

Noah’s tone turned somber. “I thought that it was my fault because I was told that we can’t break bonds ourselves unless we felt that we were being strongly neglected, and I didn’t feel that at all! I thought that we were fine, that we were good, that we were in love. Apparently that wasn’t the case. He was supposed to come to Syliras to get me, to take me with him to wherever he was going. We were supposed to have a life together, he had said so himself,” he sighed, “and I believed him.”

“When he didn’t come I got scared, I was sad. Maybe I should have gone after him. Maybe he came and I just wasn’t here. I blamed myself and still blame myself. I believe that he’s still out there somewhere. What if he still thinks about me? What if he still loves me?” He asked those questions in desperation, hoping that the answers would appear before him.

“It’s getting better,” he admitted. “I wrote the song after I got hurt, I feel different now. You’re in my life now, you’ve made me better and I’m glad you’re here.”

[Elann]

.

Was it so abnormal as a human to be in a relationship with someone and yet to feel your loneliness fade away? Was it so abnormal to feel happiness after having sexual relations? She had no idea, but she assumed she would to. Did that mean she would bond with them? If so, then what was so different about the kelvic bond? The way he explained it made it seem like it was deeper than that, as if he could not control himself, that he was in love because of the bond, not bonded because he was in love.

Elann sat then quietly with hands folded over each other as they drove further into the subject. When he mentioned sex she shifted slightly and then settled into her own actions. While yes, men did have relations with each other, it was very rare. Marriage between the man and woman was celebrated in her culture and it just didn't make sense other than out of pure lust and impatience to do because they could not find a wife yet. Here it seemed different despite everyone's need to fight for survival. Here they fell in love with each other, much like the man and wife would, but it was hard for her to grasp. Back home it would have been grounds for disownment. Even to have a relationship with Noah would banish her forever from her father's tents and she knew it.

"That's sweet," she said as he finished speaking by complimenting and thanking her. She looped her weavers fingers around his arm to give him a little arm hug before returning to her previous sitting position; another gesture he would not know the depths of its meaning. Curious and cautiously, she pulled her hair behind her ear on the side he was sitting and looked over to him. "So now, without your bond you feel lonely? Like something is missing in you?" She looked up to him more intently. "Is a bond always through sex?" She wanted to know the answer and it showed on her face. A curious wind had taken her and she was going to ask till she was blue in the face. "...or an a person have a bond with a kelvic and not have any romantic feelings involved?"

"Could possibly one day you bond with me as I am your friend and I not know it? Or do I feel it too?" she wondered why they were not bonded. What would it take to be bonded to a Kelvic? She was friendly and kind to him, loved him like a brother and watched over him to make sure he was provided for. What else was there?

Other's Words ~~ My Words ~~ My Thoughts