Closed [Traveler's Row] The Caged Bird

[Noah Amuel]

Elann’s small embrace of Noah’s arm made him smile slightly. While the actual meaning of such a hug was lost, it was the mere closeness of Elann that got him to feel better. He took a breath as she moved her hair aside before her eyes met his.

“...without your bond you feel lonely? Like something is missing in you?” she asked, eyes flashing with curious intention.

He shrugged. “Some nights I do.” His eyes wandered from hers briefly, resettling on the hair that she previously moved. “I still feel him sometimes and I dream about him in the forest but, other than that, I’m not lonely. I don’t feel like I’m missing something. I feel the same, like I did before I met him.”

“Is the bond always through sex?” she inquired more before adding more.

He shook his head, taking note of her face. “No, my mother told me that when she was bonded it was through hunting, before she met my father. She bonded with her companion and they were together until her partner died. But, to answer your question, it can be purely friendly. More often than not though, it turns romantic.”

Her questions were shedding equal light on them both. Of course Noah knew the answers, but they took on different meaning and interpretation as they were spoken. Elann’s last question was what made him stutter in his speech. Noah pushed himself off the couch and went to stand beside the window again, letting his eyes settle on the streets of Syliras rather than focus on Elann while he answered her question.

“It… is… possible, yes,” he finally said. He brought one of his hands up to touch his fingers to the cool window seal. In truth, while a true bond had not formed between Elann and him, he felt more connected to her in a realistic emotional level than he was with Caesarion. He then realized that he was being silent, leaving her waiting. “You would feel it too, Elann. If we were bonded you would know. Caesarion said he saw a vision, saw a silver thread connecting us. I do not know how you’ll know, but you’ll know.

“If we bonded you would feel everything I feel and I would feel everything you feel. It is an ultimate connection. If you were sad, I would know, and I would be sad too. If you were angry, I would be angry. I would know what caused those emotions and more.” He turned to her then, eyes settling on her now. His face reflected the seriousness of his tone. His hazel-greens set their sights on her, like he would a squirrel in the field. “My mother told me that when she hunted with her bondmate, it felt as if they were an extension of one another. There was nothing they couldn’t do as long as they were together. Even when they weren’t together, they felt one another no matter the distance.” Noah swallowed hard. “There’s more, much more.” One of his hands ran through his hair and he sighed, relaxing. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get like that.”

[Elann]

.

None of it made sense to Elann. There was no reason why Caesarion disappeared. It was as though he either died or fell in love with another. She may not have understood the ins and outs of bonding or Kelvics for that matter, but she did know Noah a bit. If he said he felt that connection go from him, it went. He now felt the same as he did when she first met him, though part of her wondered if he was telling the truth.

"I can't say I'm completely happy to hear that you are recovered inside of yourself and have left Caesarion back there in the forest, but I am just a little. Maybe after all you have found yourself again?" She said in a very coy manner.

It was interesting to hear that the bond was not through sex only. It gave her a hope that they could be bonded, but as he explained how it could turn romantic, she drew into deep thought. She was glad he had the courage to take her questions. It really let a lot of the tension between her and him go that had built up since his injury. Really it let her know his mind and connect, but still, she feared a romantic bond between them and the rejection from her family; let alone whether he indeed desired her that way.

Her last question sent him into a stutter and she wasn't sure if it was that she was someone he cared for immensely in his eyes, or if it was something else. The light of her questions was bearing down on him, and he seemed to cringe under it, seeking refuge. He left her there on the couch, painfully standing and moving about the room to the window. There he stood for a while as he answered her and afterwards thought in contemplation. She leaned forward, leaning upon an uplifted hand of hers, and resting her cheek in her palm as she watched him in thought.

Eventually he did speak, and curiously she drew from it that both he and her would indeed know if a bond had formed. Perhaps it was her own resistance to the bond through sheer fear of what it would lead to that kept it from forming. She didn't know. Elann knew that deep inside she cared for him, loved him as a friend, but the thought of being connected to someone so intently truly scared her. More than all of that though, he didn't share her chief passion in life, which was a following of Yahal with fervor.

As he explained further what she would feel if they were bonded, her eyes connected with him as she rested there upon her palm, staring up at him. Eventually he spoke of his own mother and bond mate; seemingly very nervous, not to mention intently serious, swallowing hard on the subject. It drove her to come off her palm and fold her hands in her lap with anxious anticipation for all he had to say. As Noah finished explaining, and seemed a bit more relaxed, he began apologizing to her.

"I...I actually like it when you are like that. You are yourself. We may not have a Kelvic bond Noah, but I feel bonded to you in some way. Again, it may not be a Kelvic bond, but it is like it is a Benshiran bond." She smiled largely at the thought that some such thing existed, "There are many things between us that are different in culture and thought that...I can tell you don't understand at times and I don't understand of you either, but the fact you don't feel like you have to be silent around me, and that is a very Benshiran trait." Really the men in her culture would just tell you what they were experiencing, knowing the women would deal with it; occasionally in the negative sense. There was no real need for lying. If someone wanted someone as a wife, he would go to her father and ask; no playing around, no dancing about the subject like here. It was seen as a waste of time in a culture that was fighting for its life against the desert.

Other's Words ~~ My Words ~~ My Thoughts

[Noah Amuel]

Noah’s hand came down from his head of hair to grip at his mother’s pendant around his neck. There was so much comfort around him, Elann, his mother pendant, his own home, yet he still managed to feel on edge at times. He blamed it on being cooped up on bed and houserest for so long. He never had stayed inside for weeks at a time. A few days maybe, but he always managed to go out for some time between stay-ins.

Elann expressed that she enjoyed when Noah behaved like he had, passionate and excitable. He understood that he didn’t usually act out as such, only really doing so around Elann. The young Benshiran woman was right, Noah didn’t always understand her mannerisms when they weren’t normally seen around Syliras. In fact, he didn’t understand much about human mannerisms. Of course he was learning, but due to his isolationist nature, it was slow going despite being in Syliras for nearly three years now, he had met and formed relationships with only a few humans and one other Kelvic. He wasn’t complaining though, he quite liked being alone.

“I’m really comfortable around you,” he admitted to her, fingertips smoothing across the hemp wrapped stone of his necklace. Noah shifted his weight onto his good leg, feeling the throbbing consequences of removing himself from the couch traveling through his bad leg. How he hated the insistent ache.

“Frankly, I’m not sure why we haven’t bonded yet. I would have expected it by now, but there’s still so much I don’t understand. It’s not as if I could read about it.” He smiled at that. There weren’t many books in the world now due to the cataclysmic event happening five centuries ago. His eyes settled on her calmly, his thoughts running off the reasons why they weren’t as close as he sometimes wished. If he was so willing, why had it not happened?

[Elann]

.

With his admittance of being comfortable around her, she watched as he held his mother's necklace. She had spent many days looking at its features, enjoying the way the hemp looked on him. It seemed to fit his personality, and whether it was something he seemed to hold for comfort or focus, she couldn't tell.

His weight shifted onto his good foot and inside, the mother in her began to come forth, wanting him to sit, but his words struck her. It was clear to a point now that he wanted to bond with her, or at least expected it. She had not even considered her actions worthy of the bond, but she did love him to some degree.

Beside the issue of his stance with Yahal, Noah was a handsome man. His features were exotic to her, stern and beautiful like many up north in Syliras, but it was more than that. He had the most intense gaze that pierced straight through her sometimes, playful curly hair, and a body that was attractive in a strange way to her; despite his lankiness. Perhaps it was his difference and exotic features that did attract her, however he was not Benshiran, had relations with another than her, and chose a man to do so with. While the last two reasons could perhaps be overlooked due to recent revelation with his bond, it did not absolve him from the first. He was not of their people, he didn't know their ways, and to be with him would abolish her name from the family scrolls forever.

If he bonded with her, he would likely only feel like there was one foot out the door, ready to head home, willing to choose her family over any possible friendship she had with him. Perhaps she had just put such a permanent block on him emotionally that any such bond could never form despite her care and love for him. She shrugged lightly at his confusion.

"I'm not sure. The only person I've seen up here with books is Morian at the Temple of All Gods, but I don't know that he would have anything on Kelvics. If he did it would likely be obscure references in religious texts. Still, it might help you to understand, and he's a very nice man...if you are ever bored one day when you get able to go for a walk of some distance outside."

The mother in her had risen to the top, and she stood, moving over to the table, hovering over his plate as she cleaned up the space. With a slight toss of her hair over her shoulder, she looked back at him.

"Are you finished with your breakfast? "

Elann bit her lip to stop herself from stating, "You should really eat more, you have to keep up the strength." She figured he'd appreciate the lack of nagging him for once since it was a phrase she had used repeatedly to beg him to eat. Now he was doing so fine, she could let him decide. If he wanted more she would move the chair so he could easily slide into it without pain.

Other's Words ~~ My Words ~~ My Thoughts

[Noah Amuel]

Noah took heed of her words, nodding after she finished her bit. He turned back to the window, bringing his free hand up to the cobblestone underneath the window seal. His fingers glided across the rough stones that made up his wall, picking up dust that had long settled, probably remaining from the tenant before him if not further. Blankly his gaze came to the dust covered fingertips were his prints were outlined in grey. His thumb came forth to rub against his middle and index fingers, spreading the dust like scattered ash.

The Kelvic couldn’t help but linger on his thoughts of Elann and the expected bond. What more did he need to learn of bonds? While he didn’t expect to know all of the answers, especially given that he had only one bond, he at least expected to be more knowledgable, to know why he had not yet bonded with the woman whom he called friend, his companion. Consciously he tried to pay it no mind, tried to force his eyes to bring new musings to the forefront of his mind, but the singular thought stood out the most, beaming through the usual fog like the persistent moon in a clear night's sky.

The eagle jumped in fright at Elann’s voice, although it as gentle. Several times he blinked, attempting to make sense of what she had said and clear the eloquent fog-ridden moon from his mind’s theater. As they always did, his thoughts took place of his hunger. “I’m finished,” he affirmed to her, his thumb and index fingers gripping the hemp-bound stone.

What was it that was keeping him from bonding to Elann? Was there something she was keeping from him? Was their relationship not so pure? He exhaled breath laden with heavy stones. It was an immensely frustrating thought that brought along the doubts of mistrust. In the once dust covered hand he gripped the edges of his shirt, fidgeting uncomfortably as his psyche pulsed through unsettling thoughts.

“What is it that you like about me?” he inquired, licking his lips afterwards. The words tasted bitter on his tongue, as if he was interrogating her. “And what is it that you dislike about me?” Truthfully he wanted to know, no matter how crude the questions sounded coming from his mouth, reverberating through his chords shaky, unsure, and irate.

[Elann]

.

Noah's jump and utter surprise, blinking at her question, made her grin largely. Although she wondered what was coursing though his mind so deeply that he couldn't keep attention on her, it didn't distract her from the pleasure of his surprise. He was a very focused individual, and when thinking, she would find it irresistible and amusing to stir him from such thoughts just to watch his reaction. Call it childish, but really she didn't do it to torture him. It was merely because she enjoyed him and his uniqueness. This time however was completely innocent.

So he didn't want to eat anymore. His plate was dug into significantly, but as she looked at the plate, it was a significant portion of a work day's pay to provide for him. She couldn't likely save it for him very long and knew it had to be tossed out at the latest by the end of the day. With hopes that he would finish it later in the day, she covered it with another plate to keep flies off of it and to keep the smell from filling the room any longer.

Elann went about busying herself in the kitchen, cleaning up the mess both of them had made, throwing what was left of his eggs away due to the sickness they were known to cause if they were not eaten rapidly. When his thoughts bubbled up into voice, her attention was caught and she looked to him from the hearth as she cleaned up the pot she cooked in.

At first his question seemed innocent and without purpose, just asking what she liked about him, but the follow up question marked his true purpose. Her actions of washing the pot visibly slowed as her thoughts churned on why he was asking. Naturally it had to be because of their discussion on bonds.

"I don't know Noah," she said briefly as thoughts began to run through her head on what she liked and disliked about him, as though she had to think about it for a second. There were points about him she liked that she couldn't say, and points about him that she disliked and couldn't say. She didn't want to lie to him, but restraint had to be used. Obviously his mind raced on something. "Lets see...I like your voice. I like your innocence. Hmm...I like how you think before you speak, how you love the people you know, although I do think you should love strangers more." She figured that was as good a place as any to transition into the dislikes.

"I am not sure on dislikes...I don't like when you doubt yourself I think. I think you are a great person and I think you should be motivated for the better. I dislike it when you are sad and like before, seemed to hate life. That actually I hated and was hard to deal with, but really I don't feel that way anymore." she said downward to the pot as she cleaned it as if in shame. "Other than that, I'm not exactly sure." She shrugged as though they weren't very bad things.

Tossing her hair back over her shoulders so that it fell all on one side, she looked to him. "I like your curious nature. I like it when you smile and how you treat children. It's very cute." She laughed lightly. Anticipating his next question, she figured he would ask what she wished he could do better and she decided she would save him from having to ask it, "If there was anything I think you could do differently..." She knew what she wanted to say, but she didn't know how to word it to not offend him. "I think your perception of various subjects and topics are very focused. Not that that is a bad thing!" She said defensively and quickly, then added, "Sometimes it's just, the more Benshiran course of action is to evaluate not just what you want, but everything surrounding that object of your desire. When we approach a watering hole, we don't just rush in and drink the water. We have to see if there are Tsana, wolves, or any other predators. We have to evaluate our path we traveled to arrive at the watering hole, and then remember how to get back to it even if the sands shift. You have to test the water to make sure it isn't bitter and many other things. Does that make sense?" She didn't know if he would relate to how that involved him and Caesarion, or even her and him, but it did. Did he even know what her favorite desire was?

Other's Words ~~ My Words ~~ My Thoughts

[Noah Amuel]

Her initial answer wasn’t satisfying. Noah grasped the charm of his necklace within his palm. The stone was the bearer of coolness, pressing against his skin before dissipating against the heat of his hand like a snowflake to a tongue. As the rock’s temperature adapted to his skin’s he gripped it tighter, straining the hemp against his neck. He tugged slightly, testing the strength of the woven herb then released it before damage could be done. Elann was quiet for a moment, quite like he knew he was when he was in deep thought. Noah let her think, focusing on the architecture of a far off building.

Elann’s voice came again, gentle yet perhaps laced with caution, he could not tell truthfully. The eagle figured that he should not lay his eyes on her -- he did not want to intimidate her like he knew his stares sometimes did. Not to her exactly, but to others. Rather than look at Elann he continued to inspect the stone workings of the far off building as she talked of his merits; his innocence, voice, thought before speech, and his love for people he knew -- which was only Elann at this point. Her comment on how she thought he should love strangers more caused his sights to falter from the building and fall, pointedly, to the window seal. Why would I love people who are strangers? he wondered to himself, furrowing his brow at the thought.

He wanted to object, to ask the question but at the same time he didn’t want to interrupt her. It was rude, as Elann -- and his mother -- had once said. Noah grasped at the edge of his knitted shirt again. Involuntary speculations of somberness took over the Kelvic as Elann continued on to say she hated that attitude that he held at the beginning of his house-rest. He did not like it either, but he could detect no way out of it. He was rooted in the darkness Caesarion cast over him by terminating their relationship and bond. It was not an easy thing to get over, to forget, to not yearn for. Even though she said she no longer felt that way about his past attitude, he couldn’t shake the troublesome thoughts. Uneasily, he turned his head to look at her, his body still facing the wall and the window.

With a toss of her hair, Elann was looking back at him. He avoided her eyes. The Kelvic looked towards her but not at her, not at her eyes, ignoring her physical presence without shame. His mouth had grown to be slightly slackjaw as he took in her words, going over them in his head should they have meaning that he didn’t understand. Fortunately, Elann’s passing sentence did not. It was simple, calling him cute when he smiled and how he played with the children. Her laugh afterwards did not draw a similar one from Noah, he smiled politely in place of a laugh. He then turned his body to face her before moving towards her in his slow, limping pace. He took his time, carefully stepping as to not cause any more discomfort to himself.

By the time he got to the couch’s side table she had gone on about what she thought he could do differently. Her words caused him to stop at the dining table, placing his weight on the back of the nearest chair. What was wrong with his ‘perception of various subjects and topics’? Wasn’t being focused good? Apparently Elann thought so, but why bring it up as something to improve on in the first place? She attempted to answer his internal questions with an analogy of her own, one that confused the Kelvic at first. His face reflected it, bunching up his brows and raising one all the same, as if asking what in the gods she was talking about? His first reaction to her example was to state that he wasn’t Benshiran, he was Kelvic, they were different, they had been over this already. He withheld the thought however, flashing a look to the floor to think on the question.

“What you’re saying is I should try to look at everything surrounding what I want, not just what I desire?” he asked, taking several more careful steps towards her until he was a few feet behind her, watching her. “I don’t know if I can do that,” he said honestly. It was true. Due to the type of predator he was, he only needed to focus on what he wanted, swoop down, take it, and be out of sight by the time any retaliation would occur. “It’s hard for me to view the world like that, Elann. It it easier for me to focus on what I want, decide if I can have it or not, then be done with it after I decide.” He shrugged. “That’s just how I am. Besides, I think that I do a decent job at observing things, unless there’s something else you’re trying to say?” He looked at her expectantly.

[Elann]

.

Noah reacted to her pointed views on him about as she expected him to. He was like a scholar, trying to remember everything she said, but focusing elsewhere as if in deep thought. He had grown to pay much more attention to her when she talked though since they had first met and now she wished she could read his face. The only feature she could discern from his side-turned gaze was when he would look down at the window seal, grabbed at his shirt, or when his eyes would narrow as he furrowed his brow. She couldn't tell what he was feeling at all except that she knew he heard her words.

When he finally turned toward her with his face, avoiding her eyes, she could more readily discern his features. Slowly as she went on he eventually moved around to dining table where she seemed to stop him with what she was saying. He seemed to think a bit on what she was saying, chew on it, and then he came closer to her at the hearth as he spoke. Straightening up, Elann turned to face him as he explained how he couldn't perform the way humans did.

"Well...Like I said, it's not a bad thing to focus so intently. Really it's not." She had the look of someone who was more the prey than the predator, and someone who had backed herself into a corner. She knew it would come to explaining how she felt regardless of what she said to him. Perhaps it was her own willingness to get it out into the open that caused it to happen this way. "I...I don't know..." she said simply in response to fill in conversation defensively as she thought of what to say. "Maybe I'm just being stupid," she said sadly, truthfully considering her role in this and how her perceptions perhaps could be leading her to prejudge him. With a sigh, Elann spoke, as one would speak to a father who had just disciplined her, "Afraid really..."

She had to sit, the urge became overwhelming and she moved to plop on his couch, snagging a pillow and holding it over her chest as she tucked her feet underneath her and to the side. "I feel like I keep coming up with excuses in my mind why I can't bond with you and they are mean and pointless, all because I'm afraid. When you left, came back, and told me about Caesarion, you were so happy. You wanted him to be here so bad, and really, I couldn't understand it. The bond wasn't known to me and it was difficult to see you so attached to another so quickly. It was like your focus didn't ask about me, ask about who he was, didn't ask about anything surrounding him in any fashion, and now where is he? Who are his parents? Can we even find his hometown to see if he returned there? Now you speak as though you want to bond to me, and my mind thinks...do you even know me? Sure you know some things about me, but what do I love most? What are my fears and failures? What about this trip have you considered in detail if you do go? And there are many more questions that I can't even tell you've considered. I...I suppose that's miserable of me, but I'm sorry, it's just what I worry about." The subject was why she mainly hadn't desired a bond in any fashion with him. Obviously the topic of what he needed to change went far further than eyesight.

Other's Words ~~ My Words ~~ My Thoughts

[Noah Amuel]

Under Noah’s gaze Elann had a look about her that struck the Kelvic curiously. Perhaps it was concern, or intimidation, he could not tell with accuracy, but by the way she stood and glanced at him, Noah took a step back. He did not mean to harbor her in such a conversational corner, then follow up by actually backing her in the corner of his home that was the kitchen. He fell back to the couch as she spoke, placing his bottom on the top of the couch’s back to take the weight of his legs. The conversation had took a turn that temporarily pushed the dull ache of his leg from his mind, but soon it came nudging back at his conscience, reminding him that he was still injured.

Elann’s spout of accusing herself of possibly being stupid caused Noah to make a face of disagreement, he would not interrupt her though, allowing her to say that her stupidity was actually fear. Fear of what? he wondered. Elann moved past him and Noah allowed her, taking in the scent that trailed along with her body as she walked on by. He continued to rest on the couch as she sat on it, pulling a cushion close to her body. He careened his neck to see her, shifting if the position proved too uncomfortable. He would not join her on the couch however, not wanting his presence to have any more pressuring effects on her.

She took a breath to speak and Noah listened attentively, his eyes shifting between her lips that formulated the words and her eyes whose focus was uncertain. Elann continued on explaining herself and her thoughts on Caesarion and Noah’s bond with the man. In the instance Noah thought the entire relationship with Caesarion to be problematic, dampening the status of his friendship with Elann. It became apparent that she possessed the same doubts that Noah had to a different degree and with a different twist. She stated that it was difficult for her to witness Noah attached to another so quickly after their own relationship took an eternity build in comparison.

Thoughtfully he cursed himself and his own focus for not including Elann in the decision, but then he wondered how he could have questioned her at all if he did not know it was going to happen? Did she not understand that? The choice was not his own, it was an automatic series of events that led him to Caesarion, led him to bonding with him. It was a god’s plan, not his own. How could he explain it?

Elann began to ask questions he had not thought to ask Caesarion himself, because, at the time, they were irrelevant. He would learn them in due time while he was with the man. All that mattered was that he was with Caesarion and they stayed as such until death parted them. It was unfortunate the relationship and bond didn’t work out as such, but there wasn’t much to be done about it. Wasn’t Elann the one saying that he shouldn’t doubt himself or blame himself for the failure of the relationship? If so, why was she questioning the history of Caesarion, one that Noah thought she could care less about?

He understood that there was more to what Elann was saying when the subject switched from the bond between Noah and Caesarion to the nonexistent one between Noah and Elann. The questions about herself came at him at a rapid pace, sending his mind reeling for answers that did not come as quickly as he wished. No matter how greatly Noah prided himself in his observational skill, he could not detect something that was impossible to see, something much deeper than an object taken at face value. It was becoming increasingly clear that Elann and he thought differently. She was Benshiran, he was Kelvic. She was human, he was an animal.

“Don’t apologize to me,” he stated plainly with a sigh and a shake of his head. “I didn’t ask those questions of him because they didn’t matter, and don’t even moreso now than then. I don’t need to know who his parents are, where he is now, where he was born. I know he was from Ravok and he was a slave before he met me, but that’s all. He didn’t speak of his parents probably because he isn’t on good terms with them or they are dead. He didn’t seem the type to dwell on the past.” The last statement had sent a knife through his heart. Caesarion didn’t seem the type to dwell on the past meaning that he had probably already forgotten Noah, pushed from the man’s mind like a troublesome errand. Noah recovered from the mental blow with a contemplative sigh.

“I’m not sure if I want to bond with you Elann. I mean, I am sure, I would like it, I think it would be a great thing, but it’s not happening and I don’t know why.” He had thoughts as to why not, but no proof to cement his inklings. “But, if we were to bond I would learn a lot about you, without having to ask. I would feel it, understand why you were thinking in such a way, understood your hopes, fears, and failures. A Kelvic bond is much more than just a pact between a Kelvic and another, it goes as deep as emotional and mental...” He took a breath. “I haven’t considered anything about this trip, except that it’d be with you, and that’s all I need to know about it. If you would want me to know more about the trip, then so be it, I will learn it because you ask it.”

He ran his hand along the fibers of couch, unsure of what to say next. “If you want me to know something, tell me or ask me, don’t expect me to dig because I won’t. Communicate what you want me to understand, and I will try to, that is all I can do.”

He took his eyes off her, realizing the severity of what he said to her. There was no doubt in his mind that his eyes communicated the same seriousness of his tone and the overall air of the situation and conversation. Noah did not mean to scold her, it just came out as such. Sternness was something that was unusual for him, so unusual that it surprised him when he spoke in a way resembling his father.

[Elann]

.

It was beyond frustrating to hear him explain again the bond and not understand what was going on in her mind. Perhaps it wasn't fair to demand human-level emotions of him, to have him think before stepping into a situation, getting to know the partner you are wanting to spend your life with before you sign up for anything. That is how they did it. Their parents would arrange them and then they would meet, but before that, often times they grew up and knew each other. Many father's even went so far as to require the young man to work his land for a time to get to know him before giving away his daughters. The whole family is evaluated in status and the husband how well he can support the wife. Noah kept enunciating that it was the bond, but he also could feel like humans felt, couldn't he? He had the emotions of a young man did he not?

She found she thought a lot about Noah. Her thoughtfulness was the reason he had survived right now. Could she have done it if she had not anticipated his needs and helped him? What good would he do her if she were injured? She didn't dwell on it, but the thought did cross her mind as to what kind of man for support would he be to any woman of her tribe? He would instead be a burden because he could not handle the tasks set before him. She closed her eyes briefly as he spoke of Caesarion, opening them once more off to the side of him in thought. Part of her heart was filling with anger due to her frustration and the other half begged her to forgive him and love him. It was a trial, that much was clear.

He continued to speak and talk about how if she just asked him, he would learn it. She wanted to scream out that he needed to do that himself, but she knew he did not understand. Quieting himself, she watched as he fidgeted with the edge of the couch. His next words demanded her attention, her eyes snapping up to his as he scolded her with a serious tone. It hurt her, though he couldn't see it on her face.

"I want to say something gentle, but I just don't know how," she said after a short pause of him finishing his scolding of her. "It is not my job to tell you what to do, what to think, or how to behave in a better manner. If we were to bond, you'd know my heart and mind, but still you have to choose yourself like a human to act on what you have discerned from me. Maybe sure it would be easier to rely on the bond to tell you what I'm thinking and feeling, relying on that hope that a bond would form, but it isn't. You know what? I am myself here, laid out before you, open moreso than I have ever been with any person in my life, and if you can't perceive how I feel, and you can't think to learn more about me and the situation I'm in without me telling you, then that's all you can do," she whipped back at him with just as much seriousness.

"I've given you Caesarion...It was a stirring of the heart, a random event that bonded you completely to a stranger, but here I am, being one of your only friends and I've felt..." she paused for a moment, taking in a breath, "...I've felt left behind. I want to invest in you emotionally Noah, but instead I feel afraid to, like I have to put up walls in my heart to not be hurt because you are so..." In her frustration she had not realized she did not know the word, or could not remember it, for what she wanted to say. Bendy? Flexible? Flighty? None of those came to mind. Ultimately the search in her mind came up with, "Loose??" She figured she better explain what she meant, "A new thing comes along and you are after it...In the end you get hurt and I get hurt, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot."

It would be one thing if it had just happened with Caesarion, but in their time together he was utterly fascinated by so many things, almost forgetting her presence altogether. She knew there was something there she was feeling, she just couldn't put her finger on it to argue well with him when she was feeling emotional about it. He was clouding her mind and she wanted to leave all of a sudden. Tucking in her lower lip, she bit it hard in thought, avoiding his eyes until he spoke.

Other's Words ~~ My Words ~~ My Thoughts