The accusation of Elann, calling him ‘loose’ and carefree – in the bad way – made him visibly uncomfortable. There was a visible tick of his brow indicating as such. He knew that calling someone ‘loose’ often meant they were promiscuous and nondiscriminatory in who they slept or associated with. But he understood that Elann did not mean it in the sexual and social manner, but in the way he behaved regarding their relationship as friends and companions. How he was able to throw his conscious focus from one bauble to the next, from one person to the next; how he could focus on one minute detail while ignoring the entire picture withholding it.
It was much grander than that and the way Noah behaved often impacted Elann due to their proximity on an emotional level to one another. It was true that, now more than ever, they only had one another, but Noah knew that, sometimes, he didn’t behave as such. Truthfully, he didn’t do much to change it either. Elann had always been forgiving and accommodating, but today was different. Perhaps she was vengeful, aiming to force Noah to face everything he had unconsciously done to her by behaving as he did. He felt his face flush with the tinge of red anger that seldom happened.
It was anger directed towards Elann for pointing out the flaws in his being. Admittedly he had been trying all his life to “fit in” with humans, to understand their emotions and why they felt them, why they acted in different ways, how to react to their emotions in a positive way, but he could only take so much before wanting to be done of it, to rid it from his mind in favor of more understandable things. Understandable things like hunting, the forest, where language was linear, and the circle of life was an easy equation. There need not be any deciphering of emotions and facial expressions so easily misunderstood by someone, or something, so used to the linear language of life. Kill or be killed was the motto of the forest and of the wild, why did things have to be so complex in the human world?
He huffed, pushed himself from the couch and rounded the side table, walking towards his bedroom’s doorframe where he rested. He needed to distance himself from her, he needed to move lest he say something he’d regret. Noah reminded himself that Elann was human and that their emotions were fragile things. While Elann’s calling of him ‘loose’ wasn’t hurtful to his feelings, it was an insult to what he understood as his personality. He rested his right shoulder on the door’s frame, facing Elann with his body. His arms crossed over his chest. He remembered seeing other men do so when they were angry or disapproving of someone’s behavior. He mimicked it, hopefully displaying his open disagreement with Elann’s argument.
“I can’t just choose to behave like a human, if I could I would’ve done so a long time ago. Throughout my entire life I’ve been raised to understand you,” he searched for the word, “people.” He was glad to have caught her eyes with his own. He would not let up the contact, hoping that it would aid in getting his point across. “It’s become even harder to do so now that I’m on my own. I don’t have my mother or father to tell me what’s right and wrong. I’m alone. So when I see you upset, I don’t know what to do!” he shouted, frazzled. “How do I know if what I’m saying right now is helping or hurting?” He shrugged. “I’ve been told how, when, and why to do something, trained, my entire life.”
“I am not a human,” he urged, waving his hand down strongly with each word, emphasizing them. “I am a Kelvic, an animal, I learned that a long time ago. I’m sorry that you feel as if I’ve left you behind and I can see why you would think that, but don’t think you weren’t on my mind. Why do you think I tell you everything I stumble upon? You’re the only one I can share such things with, you are my best and only friend, the only one I can confide in. You’re not the only one here that’s opened themselves up to another. I don’t know how to express it like you, that’s all.” His tone, in the end, was more apologetic than angry, as was the look on his face and in his eyes.
It was much grander than that and the way Noah behaved often impacted Elann due to their proximity on an emotional level to one another. It was true that, now more than ever, they only had one another, but Noah knew that, sometimes, he didn’t behave as such. Truthfully, he didn’t do much to change it either. Elann had always been forgiving and accommodating, but today was different. Perhaps she was vengeful, aiming to force Noah to face everything he had unconsciously done to her by behaving as he did. He felt his face flush with the tinge of red anger that seldom happened.
It was anger directed towards Elann for pointing out the flaws in his being. Admittedly he had been trying all his life to “fit in” with humans, to understand their emotions and why they felt them, why they acted in different ways, how to react to their emotions in a positive way, but he could only take so much before wanting to be done of it, to rid it from his mind in favor of more understandable things. Understandable things like hunting, the forest, where language was linear, and the circle of life was an easy equation. There need not be any deciphering of emotions and facial expressions so easily misunderstood by someone, or something, so used to the linear language of life. Kill or be killed was the motto of the forest and of the wild, why did things have to be so complex in the human world?
He huffed, pushed himself from the couch and rounded the side table, walking towards his bedroom’s doorframe where he rested. He needed to distance himself from her, he needed to move lest he say something he’d regret. Noah reminded himself that Elann was human and that their emotions were fragile things. While Elann’s calling of him ‘loose’ wasn’t hurtful to his feelings, it was an insult to what he understood as his personality. He rested his right shoulder on the door’s frame, facing Elann with his body. His arms crossed over his chest. He remembered seeing other men do so when they were angry or disapproving of someone’s behavior. He mimicked it, hopefully displaying his open disagreement with Elann’s argument.
“I can’t just choose to behave like a human, if I could I would’ve done so a long time ago. Throughout my entire life I’ve been raised to understand you,” he searched for the word, “people.” He was glad to have caught her eyes with his own. He would not let up the contact, hoping that it would aid in getting his point across. “It’s become even harder to do so now that I’m on my own. I don’t have my mother or father to tell me what’s right and wrong. I’m alone. So when I see you upset, I don’t know what to do!” he shouted, frazzled. “How do I know if what I’m saying right now is helping or hurting?” He shrugged. “I’ve been told how, when, and why to do something, trained, my entire life.”
“I am not a human,” he urged, waving his hand down strongly with each word, emphasizing them. “I am a Kelvic, an animal, I learned that a long time ago. I’m sorry that you feel as if I’ve left you behind and I can see why you would think that, but don’t think you weren’t on my mind. Why do you think I tell you everything I stumble upon? You’re the only one I can share such things with, you are my best and only friend, the only one I can confide in. You’re not the only one here that’s opened themselves up to another. I don’t know how to express it like you, that’s all.” His tone, in the end, was more apologetic than angry, as was the look on his face and in his eyes.
