[Kabrin Road] The Year of Wildfire (Hadrian)

[Kendall Saarinen]

50th of Summer, 511 AV All the days of anxiety and the sleepless nights had lead up to this day. It had been a year since Kendall's accident, an entire year stuck in this foreign body. Strangely, the body did not seem as foreign anymore. Yes, it was still difficult to understand the new feelings and happenings of his new body but at times, the body did not even seem new. In the days, even weeks nearing the 50th Kendall had not felt as secure. What was worse was how sick he had been feeling. The Azenth were known for their high body temperatures but Kendall's fever seemed to burn hotter than normal, seeming to be burning to the touch. The sickness was created purely of stress. A body could only take so much tension and worry before it started to break down. Kendall slept next to Hadrian, his fingers clenched tightly around the hem of the blanket that covered the pair. His body shook as he dreamed, almost as if he was cold but the chill of the morning air had nothing to do with the blond's tremors. Dream : Kendall stood in the doorway of what seemed to be a small lab. Beside her stood the man who had approached her in the streets on her way home from the University. His hand was gripped tightly around her arm, although the force was not necessary. The man was quite skilled in hypnotism and for that reason alone, the brunette could not have been able to run away if she tried. She could struggle and beg but even if Kendall managed to get lose, she would not have gotten far. "Please, it is late. I need to get home." The brunette pulled her arm back in an attempt to get free. Kendall's friendly demeanor had never gotten her into trouble. Not like this. She had only wanted to be friendly to the man when he stuck up a conversation with her. She did not think that anyone would want to harm her on the streets she called home. "Sorry, that can't happen." The man spoke calmly as he pulled Kendall farther into the room. To Kendall's right she could hear someone in the shadows. "Who's she?" The voice sounded familiar. Much like the voice that Kendall spoke with now. The man's grasp tightened as he continued to pull at Kendall's arm. "Hush, just get the circles ready." Kendall looked around in fear to see who had been speaking but she could not see anyone. Everything seemed so dark and blurry. The man pulled Kendall to a place on the floor where two circles connected by a line had been drawn in chalk on the floor. "Step into the circle girl." The man spoke firmly as he pointed to the smaller of the two circles. Kendall looked up at the man, her green eyes filled with fear. "No… please. Let me go home. I'm so scared." She just wanted to be home with her family. There was a doubt in her mind. The brunette did not think she would get out of this place alive. "Please, anyone who can hear me. Please don't let him kill me. I don't care how I get out of here, just don't let him take my life. I want to see my family again." Kendall had never been much of a religious girl. Her family loosely worshiped Laviku and her mom shared her faithfulness with Qalaya. Kendall knew there were many divine beings other than the ones her family favored but the Saarinens did not consider themselves as a very religious family. The man smiled at her. "This is good fear. We are breaking down the old walls of magic. We are paving new grounds. Just get into the animation circle." His voice was rich with hypnotic suggestion. There was not a choice for Kendall she had to listen. "Please… I'll do anything. Just let me go." Kendall tugged at her arm, trying to free herself. The man simply chuckled at her efforts. The girl was determined but she lacked something important, physical strength. "The thing is sweetie, you don't have a choice. This is my game. You are just the missing piece to the puzzle. I can make you do anything." Kendall shook her head angrily, tears falling from her eyes. "I…" She began walking toward the circle, unwillingly of course. It was like she could no longer control her legs. Only when she was completely in the circle was she able to stop walking. "Shhhhh… you don't have to talk. See, you are such a good girl getting into the circle. Now the fun can begin. Are you ready?" Kendall wanted to run but she couldn't move. "N-n-n-no. Please let me…" There was a sound next to her. The sound of something falling and hitting the ground. She could have sworn she heard talking but things were starting to fade and lose focus. "Too late…" With a start Kendall woke, a pained scream escaping his throat. He kept having that same dream. The night everything had changed. It had never been this vivid though. Kendall's entire body was shaking and his fever seemed to be burning much hotter than it ever had, covering him in sweat. His arms came up to wrap around him in an attempt to stop the shaking. There was no sign of the tremors calming though. Kendall could barely catch his breath and instead was hyperventilating. To him it seemed like everything was racing around his head, crashing into each other and causing the great mess in his head to get even more cluttered. Kendall felt hopeless. Nothing seemed to make sense. Tears were streaming down his cheeks faster than he could wipe them away. Soon the blond didn't even bother to try and dry his face. It was hard enough trying to get himself to breathe properly.

[Hadrian]

It wasn't all that cold even at night, and Hadrian had a human space heater under the blanket with him, so it was no wonder that little of him was under the blanket, long, bare limbs spread akimbo to release as much heat as possible, even in his sleep. His own dreams were strange, fractal things, hints of inspiration that shuffled around his subconscious, making dreamsense but nothing that would survive the dawn and waking. His lover's shout, though, that woke him from his confused slumber, its tentacles trying to draw him back down into the dark. "What's wrong?" he asked, and then called shakily to their companions without: "Everything's fine." The last thing Kendall would want if it was just another bad dream was more attention drawn to him. He even seemed embarrassed about it when it was just Hadrian. "Hey," he said, brushing sweat-damp hair back from Kendall's face and leaning in to kiss his fevered cheek. "It's all right. You want to tell me about it?" His voice was quiet as he leaned back down, hitching his head up on his hand, propped up on his elbow to peer down at Kendall, whose training with his sword and work in the Windmount Stables had strengthened his body without stealing away the essential, fragile nature that had followed him from his native form.

[Kendall Saarinen]

Kendall couldn't breathe. It was like all of the air around him had been sucked away. Somehow Hadrian was still breathing though. Normally the blond would be embarrassed about waking Hadrian but his mind was a storm of painful memories that showed no sign of quelling. When he could catch his breath it was in shaky gasps or in fits of hyperventilation. He was scared but he had no idea how to tell Hadrian. A shiver rippled through Kendall when Hadrian's cool lips pressed against his cheek. He felt a sense of calm within himself as he felt his lover's fingers move across his forehead, moving his bangs aside. "I…" Kendall could not find the words to say. Things weren't alright. Things were terrible. He wanted Hadrian to hold him and make everything okay but Kendall knew that there were some things even Hadrian could not do. He couldn't change time or tell Nysel to stop sending these night terrors to Kendall. "I can't take being like this." The words finally tumbled from his lips through a shaky sob. "I'm not supposed to be like this. No one should have hurt me." Kendall was lucky to have Hadrian and he knew this as he looked up at him. "I never sleep anymore. I am exhausted but I can't sleep and when I do I keep getting these night terrors." The Azenth pulled an arm up over his eyes, trying to stop some of the tears. "And I always wake you up. It's not fair to you." Kendall felt like a nuisance ever since he started getting panic attacks and night terrors. He worried that Hadrian saw him as such but he was too scared to ask. The tent felt hot, too hot to stay inside. Kendall's fever burned fiercely, begging him to get out into the cool air outside. His breaths became quicker as his eyes squeezed closed. "I can't stay in the tent anymore. I need to get out of here." Without another word, he rushed out of the tent without even the faintest clue as to where he would go after he got out.

[Hadrian]

Hadrian found himself straddling a fence, because his rational mind wanted to explain things to Kendall the way he saw them, which wasn't completely objective since he cared so much for the man, and the intense compassion that burned within for a loved one suffering. Who knows what is supposed to happen? Do the gods even know? You were hurt. It happens every day. This is regrettable, but all we can do is cope with it, transcend it, move on. I love you. Please stop hurting... "I don't mind waking up next to you," he said quietly, and, "I get enough sleep." His fingers reached out in the dim light coming through the tent material, his fingers glowing slightly with an ethereal mist of res. It was a trick Kendall had always enjoyed, a comforting bit of magic that was gentle rather than fearful. He stole Kendall's tears right from his face and let them burst into an even finer mist as he worked his will upon them. Hadrian, slayer of tears. But it wasn't enough now. It might never be enough. He scrambled to get some of his clothes on before following Kendall barefoot out of the tent, a shirt further tousling his hair, smelling of Kendall. He liked how his skin smelled darkly of his burning lover, how even when he walked off from camp to meditate or practice, that trailing reminder of the man followed him. How star-cross'd, the girl he had dreamed of in a package he hadn't expected. Hadrian, lover of oddities. He caught up with Kendall, following that familiar aura like a needle finding north. What had once been a tenuous thing was growing stronger with familiarity. Kendall could switch bodies countless times, and Hadrian would know him anywhere. I'd wear away my lips from kissing your soul. But poetry wouldn't save Kendall now. Hadrian, insufficient where it counts. Reaching out, he took Kendall's hand, hoping he would let him hold onto it for a while. "I'll find some temple of Nysel in Ravok, prostate myself, beg for gnosis. Whatever I can do to root the evil out of your dreams..."

[Kendall Saarinen]

Hadrian's work with water usually helped to calm Kendall or at least slow his tears. Now he could not even humor the mage with a smile as he rid the blond of his tears. He wanted to look at Hadrian, take in everything that he was. Kendall could not bring himself to look into his eyes. He felt ashamed of himself and everything he was, just someone's experiment. The animator seemed to have gotten what he wanted. He got to see that he art worked. After he did he had no use for Kendall and just left him. That what he thought he was. The useless remains of a successful experiment. Kendall walked forward, past the mouth of the tent and into the low light of early morning. He felt like he was trying to get somewhere. Somewhere where he wanted to be, where he would feel comfortable. He was much like a scared animal craving for the place where he could hide from his discomfort and fear. There was no where to go. His only comforts were a God locked in a mountain far away and his lover who he had left back in the tent. Beyond that, the world was just reason after reason to be scared and nervous. He did not want to be scared anymore. In Kendall's mad dash to leave the tent he had not dressed as well as he should have. He had pulled on pants, thank the Gods for that. His hysteric leave had left him without a shirt and barefoot. He started to run, destination unknown but it was not long until he stopped. One could only run so long without sleep. Gravity seemed to be increasing on him. Begging the blond to give up and admit there was no hope. He leaned back against the trunk of a tree, panting as if he had just broken the surface of the ocean. The tears fell harder, escaping his body in pained sobs. The blond's left hand gripped around the wrist of his right arm, begging for Ivak to calm his rushing mind and shaking body. His eyes closed, praying that his God would hear him and help him like He had back in Zeltiva. Kendall's eyes shot open when he felt a hand slip into his own. "Hadrian…" He held the mage's hand in his own, finding slight calm in his touch. The tears only flowed faster when Hadrian spoke of Nysel. "I don't want you to give yourself to a God just because I am having these terrors." His mismatched eyes looked up into his lovers, holding his hand tighter. "You must have had dreams before me. There must have been other things you wanted before we met at Kova's Well." He did not want to be the reason that Hadrian give himself away to the God of dreams. Although he knew being with Hadrian in his dreams could make him happy he was not sure of he wanted the mage to see the chaos that his dreams had become. There was nothing more that Kendall wanted than to be in Hadrian's arms. To settle into him and find calm. He was full of confusion and doubt. "I don't understand why you love me." Kendall could not look at Hadrian as he said this. He was too nervous. "No one wants me. My own family doesn't want me. I'm just the product of some experiment that I don't even know the meaning of." Kendall bit his lip as he tried to stop the tears. His entire body seemed to tremble as he cried, still holding tight to Hadrian's hand. "I don't know why anyone would want that."

[Hadrian]

"I wanted to see the world, make magic. I'm doing both of those things, so I hardly think you're ruining my life." He smiled, an awkward thing, but the flash of white teeth in the dim light served its purpose. "Your parents were frightened and confused, I'm sure." He reached out with his other hand to brush at Kendall's hair. His crouch too was awkward, but he didn't mind too much, and his feet were growing tougher for following Kendall around without shoes. "I wanted you before and I want you now. I'll even want you tomorrow... I know everything is confusing, but remember that four people are journeying to the seat of the god of chaos and evil. For you. So saying that nobody wants you, that's just willful blindness, Ken... People are here for you, people love you. I..." And then he leaned in and kissed Kendall, pinning him to the bole of the tree at his back because sometimes that physical symbol of desire knocked Kendall out of his spiral of shame and fear. That and his lips tasted good, but that was a detail.

[Kendall Saarinen]

A small, almost nervous smile twitched at the side of Kendall's lips. He was nervous that he would scare Hadrian away but the mage was still there, still listening. Kendall still could not understand why Hadrian tried so hard, especially when the pyromancer seemed to only be getting worse. He worried that this would become him. That he could be anxious and shaky forever. "I just want them to love me. I miss them so much." It was so much more than that though. He wanted his life back. He wanted to see his family smile at him again. The last memory of them had been so terrible and it was the one that stuck with him. "I just want them to be proud of me again." "I'm sorry." Kendall felt bad that Hadrian always had to reenforce the same words to him. The blond listened to everything he said but he had a hard time believing it. He did not feel important enough to have so many people take their chances for him in the city of chaos. "I don't want them to get hurt because of me, especially you." Kendall did not think he would ever be able to forgive himself if something happened to Hadrian or the rest of the group because of him. Kendall's lips opened in preparation to answer Hadrian but his words would have to wait. His lover's lips pressed against his own, as his body was pressed against the tree behind him. Hadrian's taste excited Kendall and for a moment he felt like his normal, calm self, like he had been in the spring. The clarity did not last though. Kendall savored Hadrian's lips and body against his own but his mind would not calm. Usually just a smile from Hadrian was enough to fill Kendall with happiness but here, in the dark of the morning the blond felt disconnected and lost. Pulling away, Kendall spoke up. "Why did this happen?" He spoke as if he thought Hadrian had all of the answers. He seemed to knowledgeable but he could not know everything. "Was it because of Ivak…, or you?" He looked up at Hadrian before resting his forehead against his chest. He breathed in his scent, trying to let the smell of his lover kindle some more contorting memories. "I love you Hadrian. I really do." His arms wrapped around the mage, trying to find calm in his embrace. The blond pressed himself closer to Hadrian, almost as if he was trying to hide from the rest of the world. He wanted Hadrian to protect him from the memories and that mysterious man who never seemed to leave his dreams. "I'll be better someday. I want to be. I just need time." He knew Hadrian would give him all the time he needed. In truth, he was saying the statement more for is own affirmation than is lover's.

[Hadrian]

Hadrian settled his rump on the ground beside Kendall so he could get his arm around him and offer what solace he could. There was so much he yet didn't understand about Animation in general and Kendall's predicament specifically, but all he could do for the time being be there for his friend. If Ravok proved a dead end, perhaps he would start taking a more serious, tough sort of stance, because Kendall couldn't spend the rest of his life chasing what he used to be. At some point he had to face what he was and work toward what he could be. When Kendall had finished his talking for the time being, Hadrian gave it a few moments thought and then spoke. "I imagine it was a shock for them... your family. Perhaps after a year... perhaps we should go back to Zeltiva eventually. I have property there, you could have another try at family. If they matter at all, they will be able to see past your shape. It isn't that hard." He kissed Kendall again, hard on the mouth. Hadrian loved Kendall no matter the form, clearly. He would just have to prove it over and over again...

[Kendall Saarinen]

As Hadrian sat down next to Kendall the blond felt himself calm a bit. He might have been scared but having the tall hydromancer at his side let his mind slow slightly. His presence was so strong, at least in Kendall's opinion. Ever since the Azenth had met Hadrian he had become his support and protection. When he felt himself falling Hadrian always seemed to be near by to prop him back up again. Kendall liked that. In fact, he loved it. When Hadrian's arm wrapped around Kendall's body a small smile pushed it's way to his lips. He laid his head against Hadrian's shoulder, wishing he could just fall asleep there. He liked the rhythm of the hydromancer's breathing lifting his head up and down as he rested against his body. The sound of Hadrian's voice calmed Kendall more than the words he spoke did. The blond loved his voice and how as the days went on he got to hear more and more of it. Back at the university he always wanted to know the timbre of the mage's voice but never had the chance to hear it. Kendall closed his eyes, taking a long and shaky breath in. A chill ran through his body causing him to shiver slightly under Hadrian's touch. It was not the cold that made him shake, just the memories. Once again Hadrian's lips met Kendall's, this time with more ferocity. Kendall kissed back, this time without pulling away. He hoped if he could get lost in Hadrian maybe his anxiety would cool, at least for a bit. Kendall pushed forward, savoring the taste of Hadrian on his lips. Another chill ran through him, causing him to wince and pull back. He breathed in, trying to reclaim his breath before muttering a quiet sorry and pushing back against Hadrian's lips. As the pair kissed, Kendall's hand began to reach under Hadrian's shirt, the flames on his wrist disappearing under the cloth that covered his lover's torso. His palm moved over the smooth skin of Hadrian's abdomen and up to his chest. Hadrian's body was lean but there was slight muscle lining his body, evident under Kendall's touch. "Thank you. I'm sure I am not the easiest person to deal with right now." Kendall smiled shyly as he looked into Hadrian's eyes. "I would love to return home someday. It would be nice to finally get to walk the streets of Zeltiva with you." Kendall's hand slipped out from under Hadrian's clothes to let his fingers intertwine with Hadrian's. Leaning forward, the blond kissed Hadrian on the lips. "Thank you for loving me."

[Hadrian]

He chuckled against Kendall's mouth. Though he realized that the hot-blooded Azenth shivered in reaction to his relative chill as often as to desire, he liked to tell himself it was all desire. One wanted to be desired. Of course, he shivered when Kendall's hand roamed under his shirt, and his cheeks darkened with goofy embarrassment. But he shook his head at the apologies; they kept coming no matter how many times he told Ken they were unnecessary. "So let's try to focus on that goal and how to get there. You might still get upset, you might still have bad dreams, but you can take comfort in the fact that you are working toward what you want out of life. And thank you... You give me a direction, otherwise I would follow my whims, like I did to Alvadas before I met you. Nearly got myself killed. And Sahova before that. Not that Ravok is like to be much safer." He chuckled again and wondered what else he might do to distract Kendall from his dreams. They were up, after all, and they had wandered away from camp.