Footprints in the Snow (Silvy)

[Varian Snowsong]

„When you have to be?“ Varian asked. It had sounded as if she didn’t enjoy taking the shape of a human particularly, as if she’d much rather be a wolf and run and hunt and be free. He understood that in some way. Without a doubt life as an animal was simpler. As an animal you didn’t have to pay attention to all those little social rules. You didn’t have to worry as much. And animals never lied. Animals never hid their true feelings. They never hid their true opion of you. „Which of your two forms do you prefer, Silvy?“ He didn’t notice how strange her footsteps looked. The Nuit’s gaze was entirely focused on her face, on those strange, silver eyes. As far as he was concerned, they were the most interesting things about her. He was still looking into those eyes as she settled in the snow besides him. As she raised a hand to brush the hair back from his face, he pulled away a little, but he didn’t stand up. He merely looked a little uncomfortable. „I don’t want to stay still. I don’t want my mind to die. Whatever happens, if I move forward, I will at least have a vague kind of hope ...“ His mind, his memories were all that he had, all that was left of the Vantha that had set out to find the greatest story ever about a year ago, apart from a body that was slowly decaying. Maybe this existence wasn’t entirely bad. He was just scared that he would become like the Nuit he had met in Sahova one day, that he wouldn’t mind moving from body to body any more, that he would become cold and detached, that he wouldn’t care as much about the people around him amyore. He was scared that his mind would change, just like his body had changed. „I don’t hope for any great achievements“, he told her. „I once wanted to find the greatest song ever, the one song that would make me famous among my people, but I don’t have that goal anymore. My goals have become simpler. I don’t want to be alone, and I want to live and enjoy my life. But even that seems hard sometimes.“ Again he drew back a little as she touched his face, but not before she had an opportunity to notice that it was cold to the touch. Humans, mortals, were filled with warmth. Their skin was often a little rosy in the cold, but his was as pale as ever, and his heart no longer pumped hot blood through his veins.

[Silvy]

Silvy nodded emphatically as if he'd asked her how she liked breathing. "Well yes. To speak to humans, I must be human. My senses are blunted until I doubt my own perception and I must stand on only 2 legs that can, and do trip easily. No fur to keep me warm so I'm left with--" She stopped and looked down at her now snowy, ice encrusted clothing. "So clothing is noisy, uncomfortable and doesn't do a very good job of covering me does it? Certainly not as well as fur. And my skin is so..is delicate the right word? If I injure my paw, I can groom it till it heals, and still move fine on three others. But if I cut one of my legs, that's half of my walking stripped away and then I must just sit until it heals. It's very limiting to be human." A delicate blush tinged her creamy complexion at openly admitting such weakness to a near stranger. "I prefer to be a wolf, but I do very much like to make friends. So to make human friends I must be human to speak, as I am doing with you. But to be free to run unencumbered by clothing or two legged strides, is simply wonderful! The speed and freedom will always be the wolf in me." Her silvery eyes looked exquisite as mercury as she spoke. The Kelvic's breath came a little faster and she'd started to smile. 'Of course!' she thought, 'not even a human would want to stay still or be alone! Is this what makes him so sad?' When she brushed back his hair, he went very still. Silvy frowned, hoping she hadn't frightened him. "My touch will not hurt you Varian. I wouldn't do anything to cause you harm." The girl reassured him with naive innocence. "I'm still not very good with words. I mean great achievements as something you want most to accomplish. I didn't intend large or big. I want nothing large either." Silvy thrilled at the movement of Varian's eyes and the pleasing timbre of his voice. He was so calm and thoughtful. Not impatient or rude like some other humans. She accepted his words as totally understandably 'wolfy.' "Of course you don't want to be alone! Loneliness hurts more than blood wounds." She naturally expected warm skin under her hand and found it strangely icy and ...dead. Silvy trembled a little, not from cold, but from something unknown. She kept her hand on the side of his jaw and looked directly into his eyes. "How can you smell and feel dead when you are talking to me? Does it hurt? Do you have a wound I cannot scent?" With a quick lupine gesture, she brought her nose and mouth near his, to check his breath--and found nothing!

[Varian Snowsong]

„What are your senses like when you are a wolf?“ he wanted to know. He understood what it was like to want to be free and unencumbered, but he didn’t understand what it was like to walk on four legs and to wear fur instead of clothes. He doubted that he would ever really understand that. Could she see better? Was her sense of smell different? Could she notice the strange smell that surrounded him sometimes? He decided that he didn’t want to think about that. It would only lead to more unpleasant thoughts and make him uncomfortabel around her. „It is true that clothing doesn’t cover you as well as fur does“, he agreed. „But it can be quite comfortable if you wear the right kind of clothing. As for our skin being delicate ...“ His touched his left hand with his right hand, let a finger run across it as if he were testing how delicate it was. His skin was even more delicate than a mortal’s was. His wounds never healed. Even scratches remained. And then he realized that he still thought of himself as human, that he had spoken of „our skin“ when he had talked about the skin of humans. „I suppose that is true. Humans are quite vulnerable, but at the same time we are strong. Our race survived the Valterrian and everything else.“ Maybe, he decided, it would be better to stop thinking of himself as human, to refer to himself using human terms and get rid of Varian Snowsong when he left Avanthal for the final time, but he couldn’t bring himself to doing so. It was the only kind of life he knew, the only kind of life he wanted. He had hardly any idea what it meant to be Nuit, apart from a few unpleasant facts. „Your touch doesn’t hurt me“, he assured her. It didn’t hurt physically, but it hurt somewhere deep inside of him. In a way that kind of pain was worse. „And loneliness does indeed hurt the most. Physical wounds don’t really matter as much when you are surrounded by people that you love, by people that care about you, but if you don’t have anybody ...“ He sometimes wondered if he should knock on his family’s door, if he should talk to them one more time, just to be surrounded by people that he knew and loved, but the experience would most likely be bittersweet. „I don’t know how“, he murmurred as she observed that he felt and smelled cold. For a moment he was tempted to step back, but then he noticed that she was still touching him. Why did she not run? If he were still alive, his heart would probably have begun to beat faster now, but as it was, he remained as calm and still as before. Only his voice betrayed some of his emotions. „I should be dead, shouldn’t I? I should lie somewhere in the ground, but instead I’m walking around here, wondering whether I should visit the people that were once my family. It doesn’t hurt. It was painful before, but I don’t feel anything now. My wound’s invisible.“ „What do you think I am, Silvy? Have you never heard of people like me?“

[Silvy]

Her light eyes clouded over at the depth of the question and how to go about answering it. "You ask very big questions, but I will try to find the words for you." Although he watched her face, his eyes held no threat for her. He was a mystery of scents and music and words. She snuggled her side into him, offering her warmth as animal comfort to his sadness. "My senses are...open when I'm a wolf. More vivid. When I run, the fur is attached to me and noiseless. I feel all of my legs and muscles and heart and breathing working together. I see movement in the distance much better and at night I see much more clearly than in human form." In a very wolfy gesture of pride, she pushed out her chest and drew her shoulders back, talking with him as she watched his face. "To hear so many things is amazing! I love almost all sounds of nature! The sound of snow falling at night is so comforting! Oh! And the trilling of birds high in the trees--it's a game to move my ears to find the exact location of where they hide! Did you know that hares give a sharp death cry that sounds like a human infant?!" The young Kelvic's cheeks grew rosy with excitement at the memories that flooded her so forcefully. "Oh and scenting is what I miss most as a human! The breeze carries new smells all the time! Left, right, up and down--from everywhere! It's sheer joy to first scent it, then lock it in my memory tightly and track it till I find it!! There's nothing more satisfying than following my nose!" Silvy laughed with abandon, carried away by her own words. "But touching is the only thing that's keener as a human..." Silvy's light hand stroked his jaw with the gentleness of a butterfly's wings, trailing her fingers to his mouth. "You -do- have someone now. You have me. I am your friend now, yes? We've exchanged scents and names. You are not alone any longer Varian." "You have no breath and are cold like death, yet you yearn and ache as anyone else alive. You should not be in the ground if you still have needs and wants." She placed a timid hand on his and asked, almost urgently, "Can you feel the touch of my hand?" Silvy kept her hand on top of his, wanting to bring him comfort. Had she heard of people like him? Of course! They -were- in Avanthal! Such a silly question! "Of course I've heard of Vantha! Your kind has wonderful moving eyes that help you speak." She replied innocently, her silver eyes gazing up into his. "You don't know what you are? How is that possible?" the young wolf asked in astonishment. She frowned for a moment at the absurdity of it and thought he might be teasing her. Still, Silvy answered with the unique honesty of her kind. "You are a Vantha, a music maker, cold, a man, don't want to be lonely, ask lots of questions and you are my new friend. That is what you are."

[Varian Snowsong]

This time he allowed her to snuggle into him, even if he still found the gesture a little strange. People usually mistrusted his kind. They accused Nuit of seeing mortals as nothing more as potential vessels, victims for their experiments. Silvy though didn’t seem to share that popular opinion. It was almost as if she had never heard of Nuit, as if she didn’t know that he was decaying and had that ichor inside of him instead of blood. She didn’t seem to have any of the usual prejudices. It was surprising – and pleasant, and he instinctively reached out to her and touched her with his cold hands. Her description of what it was like to be a wolf, to see and feel like a wolf was good, and he could almost see her as she ran. „It sounds amazing“, he remarked. „I wish I could experience something like that. I wish I could be a Kelvic for just one moment. And no, I had no idea that a hare’s death cry sounds like a human infant.“ Her question reminded him that below this strangely innocent woman’s face was a predator, a wolf that sometimes killed other animals. Like him, she was more than she seemed to be. „I have hardly any sense of smell“, he murmurred. „If I followed my nose, I would inevitably get lost. I’d fall down a cliff or walk straight into a dangerous animal’s cave.“ They had exchanged scents? He had no idea what that meant. Did the gesture have a special meaning among wolves? Was it a sign of trust, of friendship? As she called him her friend, he didn’t say anything for a few moments. He simply looked at her, and then he said, „I thank you for that, Silvy. I didn’t know that people like me could still have friends.“ The Nuit he had known had been removed from the mortal world. Even the woman he had met in Ravok – a relatively young Nuit – had always been somewhat distant, although she had been more emotional in her thoughts and her actions than those in Sahova. Maybe, he quietly thought, it was possible to retain his humanity to some extent. „Of course I can feel the touch of your hand.“ It felt different from when he had been a human. His sense of touch was duller, his skin less sensitive, but he could feel her small, warm hand nevertheless. For a moment it was as if his hand was warm again, as if the blood that was flowing through her veins was his as well. „I know what I am“, he corrected her. „I know what I have become. But it still surprises me every time I think of it. I don’t think I was supposed to be that way. I was supposed to be alive and warm, not dead, not like this. Do you think we are ever punished for wanting too much?“ Maybe that was the price for wanting to find the greatest song. Maybe such a song couldn’t be found. Or maybe it could only be found by a man that had eternity to do so. It didn’t make any sense to him that he had become a Nuit, undead. „Maybe that’s what I am“, he agreed as he heard a words. „A Vantha, a music maker, cold and everything else. You’ve described me better than I could have done, Silvy. You are one of the most unusual people I have ever met.“

[Silvy]

"It is amazing!" She answered, giving a slightly disturbing sharp toothed smile. "Why would you wish to be what you are not? Birds do not long to be fish do they? Isn't it more sensible to wish for things that you can do? To wish to run free, make friends or mingle scents--these are things to want because they are part of who you are. I am a Kelvic. I would not wish to be a Vantha because that's not who I am. If I cannot like who I am, then I wouldn't want to be anything." In an unconscious gesture of grooming, she brushed the snow tenderly from his hair, now thoroughly enjoying the feel of his closeness. "No one could walk unknowingly into an animal's cave!" Silvy laughed innocently at the idea. "Tracks, scents, location, time--all of these would tell you before you even entered!" She shook her head in disbelief, thinking he must be teasing her. Her silver eyes widened when he thanked her for her friendship. 'He wants to be my friend! We already touched, so he accepted my scent and I mingled mine with his! But why does he keep saying 'people like me' about himself?' She placed both of her little hands around his large hand and squeezed gently. It was so cold! Smooth and white like snow! "Varian if you can feel touch and feel emotions then maybe you died before the Gods were ready? I wonder how you can smell of death yet talk and feel and yearn? It must mean that you are special and have a strong purpose you need to accomplish." The young Kelvic frowned at his question and thought deeply before answering. The Gods were a very mysterious and unknown class to her and they made her a little frightened. "I cannot imagine a mother or father punishing their child for wanting too much. Why would the Gods do that? If they are guiding and wise like parents, then they wouldn't punish someone for having a will. When a living creature has a will, they will have a want yes? Encouragement for wants I think is right, but not punishment for having free will. That just wouldn't make sense Varian. Would you punish your child for wanting strongly to make music the best he can or for her to want strongly to run as fast as she can?" Silvy seemed a little breathless at all she had just spoken. She'd heard the concern in the Vantha's voice and had tried to answer the question the very best she could. Varian had listened while she talked and he mingled his scent with hers. She brought one of her hands near her nose to take in his scent better and then brought it back down to rest on his. Her heartbeat increased and her face reddened a little. She'd never heard the word 'unusual' before. The handsome young Vantha had talked for bells with her so it must be a compliment. "Thank you. You're unusual too, and I like that." The young woman gazed up into his eyes, watching them swirl with emotions and she was entranced. In a spontaneous canine gesture, she affectionately brushed her cheek against his; the marble smoothness of his skin was fascinating!

[Varian Snowsong]

„No, birds do not long to be fish“, he agreed. „But I am human – or at least I was. We are never content with what we have, but always long for more. Maybe that is our biggest failing. It is indeed more sensible to wish for things that you can do. I should be content, shouldn’t I? I’ve lost some things when I became like this, but I got other things in return. I have eternity to do the things I want to do know. You are much wiser than I am, Silvy. I never realized all that until you came along.“ She was so gentle. He realized that she didn’t hesitate once as she touched him. She didn’t even seem to think about it. It came to her naturally. She seemed to follow an impulse, seemed to rely on her instincts more and didn’t waste too many thoughts on it. She took everything at face value. He envied her because of that. He wished he could be more like her in that regard. „I don’t recognize the scent of wild animals“, he reminded her. „I’m not a Kelvic. I’ve already mentioned that my sense of smell is far worse than yours. Tracks don’t tell me anything either. At least I would not be able to say which animal exactly it is and whether it is dangerous. It is possible that I would walk unknowingly into an animal’s cave – although I’m not sure if the animal in question would see me as food." That was one of the few good things about his condition, he decided somewhat bitterly. He doubted that there were any animals that ate Nuit. The biggest threat to his existence probably came from mortals and not whatever creatures could be found in the wilderness. „Maybe I died before the Gods were ready“, he agreed although he considered it unlikely. He just couldn’t reveal the exact circumstances of his death to her right now, that he had just died because a Nuit had forced him to drink her ichor. „I’m not entirely dead, Silvy. At least I don’t think so. My soul is still alive. That’s why I still talk and feel. I’m not sure if I am special though. I’m not the only one who is like that, Silvy. There are others like me, others that smell dead and still walk around, although they don’t think as I do.“ „I don’t know why the gods should punish a person for that“, he admitted. „But I’ve considered that possibility. I’ve had a lot of time to think since this happened to be – too much. Maybe you are right. Maybe it doesn’t make sense. I wouldn’t punish my child for wanting to be the best.“ That was one of the things that had been taken from him. He had always longed to be a father, but Nuit didn’t have children. He could only transform another person into a Nuit now and be their Master – and he wasn’t ready for that. As she called him unusual as well and he felt her cheek brush against his, he didn’t say anything. He simply enjoyed the temporary closeness, the fact that she didn’t mind that he smelled of death and basked in her warmth.

[Silvy]

The girl looked puzzled at his statement and queried, "How is that a failing? All living things wish to move, to play, to love and to always want to do more. Isn't that part of defining life? To want and to wish to survive each day? Wishing for things is not a failing; it's how a creature lives. You can or cannot be content Varian. That's your emotions and should or shouldn't has nothing to do with it." Silvy took out her waterskin and drank greedily. She snorted in disgust and made a wry face at the flat, brackish water that sat in its leather for too long. Picking up a handful of snow, she ate it to get the taste from her mouth. She emptied the old water out and filled the skin with fresh clean snow. With deft hands, the Kelvic placed the bag tightly next to her side to melt the snow effectively. Unused to talking so much for so long, she was very thirsty. "Wise?! Me?" Silvy's laughter rang across the snowy forest in abandon, echoing off the trees. "I'm still just a cub yet! My friend Renaria is very wise; well as wise as a cat can be." The young Kelvic had met Vantha before and she'd never seen one that wasn't savvy about nature and all within it. She simply couldn't fathom his denial of any wilderness survival skills. Not consciously thinking about it, the girl knelt in the snow. She started digging out a bit of a hollow around her and the Vantha and piling the snow in a soft, cozy blanket. The natural insulation took only moments to trap and hold their warmth securely. Dotingly, she nudged another bank of snow near Varian's feet, ensuring against frost bite from sitting so still for too long. "Well if there are others like you, then your kind must be singled out for greatness. You mentioned you have eternity, which must hold true for you are dead but not dead. Think of how much you get to do with that gift! You could experience so many things and learn and meet people and make discoveries for as long as you want to!" Silvy's voice tinged with awe at the thoughts. To a young Kelvic the concept of living for eternity was like magic. Her own instinct told her a wolf's life was violently short, and to live it completely for that very reason. She knew and accepted that she could die any moment for any reason; and she accepted it like breathing. She snuggled herself closer to him, holding his hand again between both of hers. The lovely young girl rested her head between his shoulder and chest, looking up at him rapt attention. Her silver eyes watched and admired the play of emotions as he spoke and thought. "You speak so mysteriously you must know many things already. What is it like to be chosen by the Gods to be allowed eternity? Of course your kind doesn't think like you. No one in the whole forest can think like you except you. We might share an opinion or like, but we couldn't think nearly alike unless we were... bonded."

„All living things“, he repeated and looked into those silver eyes, as if he wanted to tell her something, something that he couldn’t express with mere words. „Wishing for things itself is not a failing. If we had no wishes, no desires, we might as well lay down and die“, he agreed, wondering if he hadn’t been clear enough. „But wishing too much is. It’s bad. You shouldn’t wish for things that are impossible, Silvy. That will only drive you mad and lead to a broken heart.“ Did she understand what he meant? That he longed to be human again, even though he was aware that there was no way to reverse the Nuit condition? As she drank from her waterskin, he watched her closely, almost longingly. As a Nuit he neither ate nor drank. The water might not taste good to her, but to him it was something desirable. As a mortal he had never really thought about food or drinks particularly. There were some things about being human that had gotten on his nerves, but now everything was different. He’d never know the simple pleasures of a hot meal or a glass full of a delicious drink again. „Even cubs can be wise“, he spoke. „Wisdom isn’t necessarily connected to age. You are wise, whether you believe it or not.“ As she spoke of her friend, he looked surprised. It seemed unusual to him that a wolf and a cat were friends, but then again, things were likely different where Kelvic were concerned. Was this friend, this Renaria like Silvy? „I’d like to meet her sometimes“, he remarked, and then he stopped talking for a while and simply watched as she piled the snow around him. „Thank you“, he said. „I’m not sure if we were singled out for greatness“, he murmurred. „This entire thing seems to random, but it’s nice to believe that.“ She seemed to be in awe. Why was it that she could see all the good sides of being immortal and he had such a hard time? „What do you think I should discover, Silvy?“ he asked. He couldn’t help but smile a little. He allowed her to rest her head on his chest. For a moment he almost felt normal, content. But she would notice that his heart was not beating now that she was so close to him. There was no sound within his chest. He was truly dead. „Maybe I know more than you“, he conceded. His voice was softer now, as if he didn’t want to ruin that moment of peace. „But I don’t know everything. I’m not yet thirty, Silvy. Some that share my condition have existed for centuries. I don’t know what it’s like to be chosen by the gods. If I was in any way chosen, they never talked to me, and I have experienced too little of eternity to truly know what it’s like.“ He stopped here. She had said a word that he wasn’t really familiar with. „What does bonding mean, Silvy?“ he wanted to know.

[Silvy]

Silvy nodded. "You long to be fully alive as I long for my foster mother to be alive again." She smiled at his calling -her- wise. She wasn't even an Alpha wolf! She could only be an Alpha at this early age if she had a mate. In wolf packs, only the Alphas are allowed to breed. Should Silvy get a mate, she would become an Alpha female and gain more status than Arethiel, her pack leader. "I would very much like to introduce you to Renaria! She showed me important things on how to act more human. I even shared my kill with her. Of course she's much much bigger than I am. If I had been pure wolf and not Kelvic, it would've been best to just run and let her take the whole thing. Sometimes my human brain gives thoughts to me that don't seem my own..." The young woman didn't quite understand what he meant by the question, but she tried to answer it. "I don't think you -should- discover anything from my opinion. It would make no sense. I don't ask you what you think I should try to scent the most as you wouldn't know unless we were mated. I only know what -I- would try to discover. I would try to find the most of everything I could! The best smell, the highest mountain, the most beautiful song! There's an endless amount of things to do if given enough time to pursue it!" Silvy exclaimed with excitement shining in her eyes and her lips slightly parted. The young woman took a sip of the freshly melted snow and chuckled at his comment. "You expect the Gods to talk to you directly?! Even if I were chosen as you are, I would never presume such a thing!" She drank some more water and put it away again as she became pensive. 'How can he not know what Bonding is? And how do I explain what I don't fully understand for myself?!' She thought intently. The young woman brought her face to within a hair's breadth of his and looked into his amazing eyes. She touched a delicate finger tip to his mouth, feeling the texture of his full lower lip. "Bonding is to be the answer to the questions, to complete the other half, for him to see what she sees, for her to hear what he hears, to...feel everything together until sometimes there is no separation and we are truly one." Suddenly she saw herself in startling color! No words can describe starting out color blind and then seeing the glory of a sunset! She felt the ache of Varian's heart and mind and comforted them with her own. Silvy replaced the finger on his lips with her own mouth, and something yearned within her for more. The woman closed her eyes and felt the mesh, the bonding as one person finally becoming complete. Her heart beat for his, and she opened her mind, her body, her everything to Varian, no corner left hidden. She opened her shining silver eyes and saw herself through his. "This. This is bonding Varian."