Poisonous People
Truthfully I don't understand it. However, that doesn't change the reality of the situation. Recently Mizahar has had a great deal of what I would call poisonous people. Lets be honest. Not everyone is inherently good and not everyone has your best interests at heart. And unfortunately, when dealing with the internet, its far easier for people to be poisonous or toxic than it would be for them to act thusly irl face to face with others. Here, there is an anonymous aspect where they can walk away at any time and it costs them virtually nothing personally to act however they want to act.
There are two basic kinds of poisonous people in my experience. There are some who are deliberate about it and contemplate their poison carefully and with an eye to just what will be the most damaging. Then there are those that hold their poisonous toxic attitudes like a second skin, the behavior coming organic and utterly natural to them. And they are incredibly easy to spot because they are the people that won’t acknowledge your dreams, your effort, and your dedication and whom deliberately try to sabotage such things for any number of reasons. Mostly they are insecure about their successes and don’t want you overshadowing them. Sometimes they are afraid you will grow past them or never see them or acknowledge them in their own right. They feel anonymous and don’t want to be because they feel better being in the spotlight even though they can’t seem to get the spotlight to shine on them. The later types, the attention whores as some would call them, can’t stand seeing other people have more importance than they do.
No matter what the reason or driving force behind poisonous people, they exist and they are decidedly utterly unhealthy for your life and sites like Mizahar in general. They tend to say and do things, sometimes on the sly, that undermines anything and everything other players and even the leadership has tried so hard to build.
It’s been my experience that truly toxic and poisonous people are inherently lazy. It’s far easier in their mind to shoot down other’s work to get attention than to actually go and do something fantastic themselves. They don’t have a lot of personal energy unless it involves being in the spotlight. I’ve noticed quite a few of these toxic folks will highlight their personal issues such as a disability or a physical condition. They might even stress their race, country of origin, culture, religion, or school of study and social position. The more attention you give them, the more they will take rope and hang themselves with it. It’s like feeding a fire that shouldn’t exist by turning the spotlight on them and giving them any time or attention. You aren’t going to change their opinions and personality. You aren’t going to slay the lazy in them and light a fire under their ass to do something more constructive with their critique time than bash others. They like doing so and are going to stick with it.
I can never understand why someone would choose to fill their social circles with poisonous folks when there are so many upbeat positive people out there that want to expand their circles and get to know more people of a like mind. Speaking of which, if you find it hard to make friends or that friends gravitate away from you, maybe you should reflect on your own words and actions and ask yourself what have you done lately for others? If the answer is nothing, then perhaps you should look closely and see if your behavior hasn’t been slightly toxic or poisonous and work actively to lighten up, brighten up, and be more productive. No one’s perfect. We all have bad days and can have bad moments where we behave badly. It happens because we are all human. But overall, how much do you give to others? Or do you just spend your time tearing folks down and poisoning people’s thoughts against others before they even have a chance to perhaps interact with that person face to face?
self-ref•er•en•tial
(sĕlf′rĕf′ə-rĕn′shəl)
adj.
Referring to oneself or itself: The biographer's account of the poet's life was surprisingly self-referential.
________________________________________
self′-ref′er•ence n.
self′-ref′er•en′tial•ly adv.
One of the classic signs of toxicity is when people become self-referential. Do you even know what that means? Here’s a perfect saying you should memorize. I read this book as a child called “A Woman of the Iron People” by Eleanor Arnason who had this perfect quote about self-referential people. Memorize it. Say it over and over and over in your head. It will do you loads of good. The woman was a genius in her writing, even though she never got much attention for the few books she wrote (all of which I have read and still own). For just a little context, the book is about an advanced technological race studying a very primitive race on a new planet. Cultural anthropology in the form of a sci-fi book.
“I, me, my, mine ---
Each one a danger sign.”
“That’s what the witches used to tell us. Listen for those words, they said. If a person uses them too often or with too much emphasis, then he or she is sinking down into a well of self. And that is a dangerous situation. You may be face to face with a greedhead or a power freak.”
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not talking about bad moods, moodiness due to stress in people’s lives, or overworked under-rested folks. They need support, understanding, and given some hugs and loves as much as the next person. The people I’m talking about are the “I, Me, My, Mine” chronic abusers. I don’t care why they are toxic. Sure, they might have some situation socially or physically that has driven them to it… but then I must point out people like Helen Keller or Steven Hawkings that let nothing stop them. I’m talking about truly toxic folks that couldn’t be nice if they tried… and if they are nice it’s because you are giving them something they crave – attention, sympathy, an ear to air their grievances too. Stop it. You’re just enabling them and encouraging their poisons.
Now.. how in the heck do you deal with these people?
If you are Gossamer on Mizahar you can uninvited them from places they can easily spread their toxicity like chat. If that’s not enough you can push them off the site altogether. If they are not toxic, they won’t mind not being able to be in chat and will stick around and get back to the business of writing and you can eventually let them reintroduce themselves to chat with a better attitude. But if they are truthfully using chat for poisonous reasons, like attention and advancement of their agendas, then most likely they will claim they are banned and will leave the site, looking for someplace else fresh they can get their attention from.
That’s another reason why I’m always wary of ‘banned from other sites’ people that come over here bashing another site and claiming they were banned. Obviously, in my mind, the admin or site owner probably had a good reason for the boot. And people are creatures of habit. If they weren’t actually booted, they were cut off from their bad behavior in some form or another, and that sent them in search of greener pastures.
Now… back to how to deal with them.
The first method and best method if you can’t cut them off from a venue that allows them to be toxic or poisonous is to steer clear of them. Be busy. In the case of Mizahar, decline further threads with them or make a polite excuse. You don’t have too get in a big confrontation. You can just say your PC is going a different direction and your riding the wave. Blame it on the PC. They take on minds of their own all the time and demand of us players to do one thing or another with them that might be out of character for us. If you’ve tried compassion, understanding, and you’ve been attentive of their feelings and it doesn’t help… move the hell on, folks. Don’t keep trying to fix stupid, bitter, or angry. You can’t. Even shrinks know better, and I’m betting you don’t have a white horse to come riding in on to save them with.
You can’t fix them. You can’t fix them. You can’t fix them.
All you can do is stop being stupid and wisen up and go find people that will nuture you, love you, understand you, and spread patience and compassion into your life without all the drama and negativity and certainly not at other people’s expenses. I think you will find that with these sorts of poisonous people gone, you will find that your whole attitude is a lot better and you see things in a lighter more carefree way when you look around because its almost as if you suddenly have room to breathe, time to smell the roses without someone complaining about the thorns, and people will even gravitate TOWARDS you when you are seeing all this positive because the negative is gone.
Remember, good friendships are give and take. Good relationships on sites like Mizahar are also give and take. I give, you give, we give and we all take something away from all that giving. Don’t you hate the thread partner that takes and takes and takes and never gives you a bone to chew on? You know the kind, the one that never moves the thread on when they could, and instead just seems to want to listen to you storytell? You stop posting as much to those threads don’t you? But when a thread partner gives gives gives and not just reacts to your giving, then you jump to return a post and you fall in love with them as a person because you know they have a generous nature and not just a leaching one.
The same goes in real life with poisonous people. Stop letting them take take take and instead turn to people that give give give.
Here’s another hint. Stop making excuses for them and ignoring them as if they will go away. You aren’t doing them any favors and you aren’t doing yourself any favors. I know you don’t want to make waves and you certainly don’t want to be mean. But if their behavior is toxic and poisonous, then it is not okay. And that means it’s not okay to let them go on behaving like they are behaving without speaking up. This will be really hard for some of you because I see you as gentle well-mannered people that don’t want to make waves.
Previously I’ve already said its okay to quietly skip out by being busy or saying your PC has moved on. But if you really want to help them… speak up, tell them, point out that they are behaving badly in a way that is hard on you. I mean, you don’t let people pee in public on a sidewalk in front of you do you? Do you let people bully you or cut in line in front of you or blame you when its not your fault? All those are equally bad in my opinion, and I wouldn’t stand for it. That’s why I don’t stand for poisonous people being on the site in places they can do real damage.
Recently I’ve asked several people NOT to log back into chat ever again. Why? Because they were biasing newbies against staffers, spreading false information, and being hugely negative. I even saw logs of one recently discussing a long gone founder’s physical disability like they were an expert on that founder and their life and It pissed me off. I know that Founder would have hated the presumptions that person made and what was said about that person by someone who was speculating about her to the n’th degree. And the truth was about as far from that speculation as possible. However, that wasn’t the crime. The crime was the person never said they were speculating. They passed themselves off as an expert and it was all in my opinion poisonous. Now, they are gone from chat and truthfully the RS’s backed me on the decision because she’d been an issue in the past, being on Mizahar to promote her agenda, not really our rp.
If you don’t want to confront them about their poisonous attitude, that’s fine. I understand some people are reluctant. But what you can do is emphasize when you need them to listen to you and when you need them to find your situation or what you want to talk about as equally important as their shit. You can even gently tell them that they are coming off like what you say isn’t as important… like their problems have more priority over your problems (or what happened to you good today, or the great book you just read that you wanted to share with them, etc etc etc)
Obviously I feel passionate about this topic. I want you all to understand that no one can take away your pride or self worth by overshadowing it with their own unless you allow it. Never let poisonous people attack you (even subtly), disgrace you, poke fun at you, mock you, or dismiss you. For heavens sake, don’t let anyone ever DISMISS you. You have worth, and your life is important. But if you allow this to happen you are being a terrible person to yourself.
And sometimes, really calling them out is worthless and a waste of breath because these are the same types that insincerely apologize. You know the type. They say something rude, and you call them on it, and they don’t apologize but instead say something like … “I’m sorry you got offended at my words.” You know? That’s pushing blame onto you. They should be saying … “I’m sorry I offended you with my words.”. That’s a sincere apology. Poisonous people are usually wearing thick blinders to their own problems and if you all them on their poison they will say something like… “I’m sorry you found what I said poisonous/toxic/inappropriate. You shouldn’t take things so personally.” When they do that, they’ve just dismissed and stomped on your feelings hard-core and some of you won’t even realize it.
The problem is, these people can influence you. They can make you just as toxic to fit in. For all that’s sane in the world, don’t let that happen to you. It will be a slow poison, like the proverbial frog slowly boiling to death in the water that is being heated slowly. Don’t be a frog and let some poisonous person heat your bathwater to boiling, right? Don’t let them guilt you. Don’t let them blame you or say its your view that’s skewed. You’ve managed to make it this far along in life without being a pushover… don’t start being a pushover now. Remember --- "I, Me, My, Mine… each one a danger sign.” It is absolutely them being poison, not you. If its not your doing, don’t take responsibility or let them push the blame onto you. Don’t let them sway your confidence and doubt yourself.
Have you seen recent scraps where people are stating they’ve been stupid and feel like quitting or giving up? Yea…. a toxic person has been at them for sure. Nobody can decide everyone might hate them or dislike them all on their own. They’ve had someone at them, for sure.
Don’t make excuses. Don’t assist them in their toxicity by excusing them for personal issues or giving them leeway. Everyone goes through rough spots, but when that rough spot makes up 72 years of an average lifespan, put your foot down. Explore other options besides their friendship. Do things with new people. Experience new things… do so without the poisonous folks who have tainted your life. Give yourself permission to live, love, laugh and be compassionate and experience peace.
Good Luck, folks. I know you can make changes in your life for the good if you believe enough in yourself and gather enough courage to stop lying to yourself and do the right thing. And if you are that toxic person, admission is half the battle. There’s no one I would respect more than a toxic person having an OMG moment of revelation. And please understand, if folks vanish from chat, its most likely because I’ve asked them to stop logging in. I’m not an ogre. But Mizahar is my baby, and I must listen to folks complaining, if enough folks complain to me and end the madness. I also read logs, so please understand if I see things there that are poisonous and attempt to bias new folks against hard working staff, I’m going to act. To sit quietly by and let nothing change is irresponsible.
Goss
