[Gossamer's Scrapbook] The Ethereal Canyon I

[Aventis]

You know I usually come here to read the words of our founder, catch up on the life of a colleague, offer words of consolation when necessary, and generally just get inspired by Goss. This... Certainly inspires something to someone, in all fairness.

Edit: OH I GET THE NECK THING NOW

[S'Essy]

Yes please!

[Zoszem]

Only now am I forced to realize how stiff my neck is. Eek.

[Kimora]

Oh yes. Thank you for that.

[Gossamer]

Detachment Hurts

I feel like all I'm ever good for on here anymore is 'helping' people with things... hd tickets, fixing that, approving this... not for what I really consider important and that's writing. I used to jokingly call it 'approval monkey syndrome'. Yea... I'll rubber stamp you approved. And as long as I do, you'll like me or even tolerate me and even say hi.

But that's the extent of it.

More often than not I feel like I'm standing outside of a circle and everyone on the inside is in the know, happily plotting, and patting each other on the back and encouraging each other to thread and quest and move forward.

Sometimes I'd give anything to be let in on those plans, be encouraged, or even needed. No one needs ME though. They just need the approval monkey. Anyone with the appropriate rubber stamp will do.

This used to bother the fuck out of me. Seriously. I am more than the sum of my blue title and I'm more than just a convenience to get you to where you want to be. I just can't give a rats ass anymore. I'm not going to sit around waiting, hoping, thinking... oh man... maybe I will finally be included. Maybe someone will finally give a shit if I post other than as a mod. Maybe someone will finally ask me to post because then I know they care if I do or not. Truth is, they don't. There's always other PCs, alts, and far more fun things to do. I get it. I'm not going to let it hurt me anymore when people love to tell me about their plotting and seemingly rub it in my face without letting me into their inner circle to know what the contents of that plotting is.

Its fine. You plot away. You have a nice old grand time doing so. I'll stick to my own council. I'll move forward because I'm tired of waiting, tired of hoping, and thread with people that want to thread with me for me not because of anything else or any other agendas.

Thanks for making me a just that little bit harder, little bit more bitter, and a little less caring.

[Moxie]

I am not quite sure what is going on, since I just started threading here. But I do know what it feels like to be the odd one out, everyone playing a game and not choosing you but everyone else, you sitting on the sidelines watching all the other's have fun while you are just sitting thing wishing you could of been one of the ones chosen to play as well. I am sorry you feel this way, no one should have to feel this way, especially in a place where everyone is big nerds(in the most loving way) that all love to write and express themselves through words.

I will say that you shouldn't let other *censor* make you bitter because of their *censoring* hatefulness. Don't be the bitter, be BETTER. Hope what ever is happening is resolved, and I also want to apologize for tagging you in my HD request. I understand that is probably what you are not meaning, but I still feel bad for it. I understood you were all busy, so it taking a week is fine, it isn't important because you are all working hard to do this or that. With it being short handed I can also see that a lot of the responsibilities other people were supposed to uphold (that are not or have left undone) is now falling on your shoulders. That is something that shouldn't happen and I do hope that you find other people to replace those you have lost so some of the work can fall off your shoulders, and you can actually immerse yourself into writing instead of being a "approval monkey" as you say. It is hard to find people to depend on in this world, and if you want the job done you have to do it yourself, but not always there are people out there that will be more then happy to help you, I am new and I offer my help but I am still learning so I may be more of a hindrance then anything at the moment.

Anyway, I will get off my soapbox and stop rambling now, just trying to send some encouraging words and good vibes your way! Lots and lots and lots and lots of good, rainbowy, unicorny, butterfly-y, candy filled vibes .

[Vizayas]

I haven't always been the most socially apt person, and indeed I'm still not, but I've made strides in the past couple years since joining Mizahar. I used to treat writing as a sort of text-based game and stepped on many toes, but now I'm seeing the value in the plot which is broadening my horizons. I'm really thankful to you for making this possible, as things like this were lost on me when I was younger. I still have an atrocious sense for art, but my moderate creativity is starting to finally carry me through a character without feeling like I can't write well enough to satisfy those I am threading with or plotting with.

I used to worry about asking things from you since you had a lot on your plate, since I know you're a real person. I always kind of figured you didn't have time for plotting, and then I personally wasted an hour or more of your time spread across many days when I abandoned an earlier character concept that I was plotting with you. I felt awful about it and didn't want to do anything on the site for weeks.

I'm going to make an effort to try and get more involved with others now that my main faults have been patched up to a point I'm starting to feel comfortable with. I guess you could say I have a fear of 'attachment,' of making something important enough to make sacrifices for. Like you, I end up detached for one reason or another. But, if everyone is detached, then does that mean things can never come together in a way that matters?

I'm hoping, sincerely hoping, that the plot I'm on with Aventis and everyone else aboard the ship can become meaningful and entertain everyone while bringing us closer together. I'll be sure to take some steps to be more active in initiating things to benefit other PC's and stop thinking exclusively of myself. Maybe I'll even approach you this next season for a plot if you would be willing to entertain the idea.

Seeing as you like horses, I'll tell you about something that happened recently. I tried to mention it to you in chat a number of weeks ago, but you might have missed it. Animals are a big part of our life, and we sort of run a personal petting zoo rather than a farm. None of the animals are for food or work, aside from eggs.

We recently adopted a 25-year old Andalusian stallion. Half of his face is paralyzed, but otherwise he is a very healthy and happy horse. Everyone in the family seems to like him, but he was trained as a trick horse so we are lucky that there are no other health problems despite his age. His coat is also bleached with sweat from all the hard work he used to do. He's very well tempered and well mannered, and he was given the open grassy pasture in the front of our house.

We also rescued a dog off the streets that was hit by a car and was being eaten alive by wild dogs before we chased them away. She's doing very well for her injuries, but the vet had to amputate her leg despite us spending thousands of dollars to save it. We aren't entirely sure about her breed, but we think she's a border collie mixed with some kind of short fur dog. There was no collar or anything, but she is very calm and docile.

I'm probably going to redo that Vblog. I never did mention why I took it down. I wanted to do one when I wasn't tired, on a surface where I didn't have to bend over and constrict my voice. I actually started recording a few weeks ago but got interrupted mid-session with a disaster and then set the subject aside almost entirely. My grandmother has been in and out of the hospital for pneumonia exacerbated by a history of emphysema and smoking, so the family and I are headed out to see her tomorrow.

[Lisana]

Gossamer, you are an amazing founder. I think most of us can agree to that. Without you, Mizahar, and this wonderful, crazy, fun family and community wouldn't exist without you. At the least, it'd be nowhere near as wonderful. Plus, you keep us in check when we're being morons.

Whether we tell it to you or not, you, Goss, are very much needed. At the least, you're the best approval monkey we could ever have. But seriously, I think I can speak for most of the Miz community when I say, we petching love you.

[Gossamer]

Thank you for your kind words everyone. I appreciate it, though I want you to know that's not what I was actually looking for - affirmation or validation. I was more venting to myself about things I cannot change nor control, if that makes any sense. I cannot control others being the way they are nor would I want too. I can just avoid threading with them or look to others that have more of an interest in it.

Btw... side note that has nothing to do with anything in this scrap.

I know I've said this before, but I'm going to say it again because it keeps coming up in the HD over and over again. If your PC is batshit crazy, has a serious mental illness, or otherwise is twisted, please don't apply for a gnosis mark from 99% of the gods. They avoid mental illness. There are certain gods that might welcome it, but none of them I wrote - I assure you.

Mental illness other than say depression etc... usually takes on the form of multiple personalities, schizophrenia, being sociopaths, etc They are horribly cliche in this environment and no one really wants to deal with it - Gods or Admin's.

[Gossamer]

Its utterly tragic that literally no one qualifies as a Featured Contributor this month.