[Gossamer's Scrapbook] The Ethereal Canyon I

[Gossamer]

I've deleted all your comments and suggestions. Why? This is my scrap, not the medal nomination thread. If you want to nominate someone for an award, please do so there.

I'm not sure how everyone could have misunderstood MAY's Featured Contribution Award so badly. If you made a video this month on some aspect of the game, posted it in that thread, then you ... yes YOU... get the award. You still have three days left to make one.

I was speaking specifically about people qualifying for Featured Contributor for JUNE which is what we are now considering and awarding. It might just be left unfilled. There are a lot of considerations we take into account when we pick contributor. First, people have to contribute of their own free will because it makes them happy and joyful. When someone has to be urged along, then that's not someone that qualifies for Featured Contributor. They have to be creative, hardworking, and innovative. They just can't be going through the motions... they have to make the motions happen on the game.

I'm not sure most of you understand this... but its where we stand on the situation.

[Gossamer]

Wow. I'm going to pretend that train wreck never happened. It's gone now so if you don't know what I'm talking about you're a lot better off.

Let's just say it's unbelievably hurtful that you can't compliment someone and put your real name on that compliment. What are you afraid of? Will your hater friends think you weak because you said something nice? Okay...

And if your staff.... Starting a post with "I'm glad someone has the balls to stand up to you..." is not high praise to the "you" in that statement.

Thank you all very much but if that's what it means to get picked please skip me. That's why I ask before giving all awards.

[Liminal]

I'm sorry. I really am. :-/

[Aventis]

I... If it was me, I'm sorry. You mean a lot to me, Goss. To most all of us. You really really do. If I gave any other impression than that I'm sorry.

[Gossamer]

Well, as someone put it eloquently in their comment in that thread (the statement that drove the final nail in that thread's coffin and caused me to actually take it down).... "I'm very glad Liminal has the backbone to shit on your wishes..."

Yea. That's about what it was on the part of everyone involved.

This award was not about respect. Respect is knowing what someone wants or doesn't want and abiding by that. But people did what they wanted to do anyhow, regardless of how I felt about it. That's about par for the course here lately. The whole thing is really the ultimate slap in the face. There's no one else to give the award too so lets just give it to the one person that doesn't want it because WE WANT TOO? Yea. I feel like now I know my worth and how much my feelings mean to everyone here. At least you all had a fantastic laugh at my expense.

[Caelum]

Thinking of you.

[Tanna]

I saw this and immediately thought of you and Kavala

(click to enlarge)
<3

[Gossamer]

Craptastic Didn't Really Cover Yesterday

Well, I posted early yesterday on FB that the entire day yesterday was reaching an all new high in the Craptastic Department. On a scale of 1-10 it was pretty much rating a 12. Sometimes you just have a gut instinct about these things.

About seven pm last night I got the call from Hospice that my mother died. Now that whole thing is finally over. Life was being kind. I'd rather end a day like yesterday on a truly monumental suckitutde note than say have the utter suck stretch out into a few days, a week, or even a month. I feel like I was walking around with a giant puss-filled cyst growing out of the side of my soul and someone just reached in and lanced it. It hurts like a sonofabitch, but its also draining all this stress and poison and emotion out of me. It still hurts, but all that pressure is gone and I feel like I can now move all my limbs without interference if that makes any sense.

I have no idea where things go from here. She wants no funeral, but there still needs to be a time and place where people can view the body and probably a time announced where she will be interned. Even in death she's selfish in a way. She wanted no funeral for my father and yet three hundred people showed up to see him put in the ground. I can only imagine how many are going to show up this time around.

Then there's houses, cars, accounts..... what does one do with someone's entire life when they die? It's hard to think about really. I have her dog. I've been caring for her for the last two months. What else is there? Time will tell, I suppose. I took today off work just to soak it in because I don't want to be moving heavy equipment and that upset. I suspect my weekends will be busy for a while. It will take time to clean out her house. It will take time to erase her life.

I don't think thats how you are supposed to think about it. But that's really what you are doing. It's like your life is a pile of sand, each grain made up of a tiny particle.... a set of shoes here, a car there, even a collection of books.... and the survivors of that person have to somehow be the wind that blows them away from one state to another. They will no longer be 'her' things. Instead they will be things that become something else - maybe recycled, maybe rehomed into someone else's beloved possessions, maybe even vanishing into nothing like her. That's what happens when we die. We become unmade and all that we are unweaves from the universe and becomes free agents to be either picked up and rewoven or destroyed.

It's hard to contemplate. I can only see what is going to happen now.

[Kaie]

Sorry for your loss, Gossamer! I can't imagine the position you're in and I'm dreading the day I know something about it myself. There's no shame in handling and thinking about things in your own way. I suppose it's another unpleasant part of the process. Try to save time now and then for yourself so you can enjoy the little things that always bring you happiness. They're important during this time, too, and there's never anything selfish about it. I hope you eventually find peace in her passing. The Mizahar community is thinking of you!

[Ssezzkero]

I'm very sorry about your mother. No matter how stressful she may have been, you obviously cared. And I think the first thing to know is not to be ashamed to be thinking of her things. My grandfather passed in February. He was a massive part of our community and everyone loved him, but he was also a hoarder. After coming home from the hospital the very first thing my family did was help my grandma start throwing out junk. And then we continued the process for the next three months. We still loved him very much but at this point no on in my family faults each other for immediately trying to pass the mourning as quickly as possible, in which ever way necessary. Mourning is one hell of a beast and for you to feel relieved is not a bad thing. I think people view death as this ultimate evil, but really in most cases it is not. I can imagine that with the amount of pain and discomfort your mother must have been in, death must have been just as much of a relief to her as well.

My heart goes out to you and your family. I wish you and your brother well and I hope you can shed more stress soon, it seems to be building up on you lately.