Closed Things Left Unsaid [Shahar]

[Naiya]

'Here, yours.' He signed the words as his hand lifted to meet hers and she jumped at the flash of heat that spread up her arm even through the pelt.

The pelt folded as it was provided a sort of difficulty for Rue as she slid her hand to the folded edge. The point where pelt ended and Shahar began was where it would be easiest to lift, the folds all met there. It threw the whole not touching thing out the window.

She had already spent too much time looking at him before, she needed to stop acting so odd. The tension she could feel building between them, surely, was a result of her strange behavior. So she pushed aside the nagging feeling that told her the pelt was gross - something that had never bothered her before - and removed the pelt from his hand.

Electric jolts sparked up through her fingers where they drew lines on his skin as she curled them beneath the pelt. Her breath caught at the feeling, and it started her heart thundering all over again. Doing her best to ignore the change, Rue lifted the pelt from his hand, relieved as the contact was lost. She let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding, and offered him the coins once more.

[Colt]

There was a single moment of hesitation before Rue made to take the pelt he offered. She moved slowly to place her hands underneath, perhaps more slowly than the task warranted; the thing wasn’t going to shatter if wrongly handled, and so Shahar was left to wonder if there was a different cause.

The sudden contact came as a complete surprise; the clanless hunter took in a sharp breath as their skin touched, one hand over the other as she slid to support the pelt as he had. His eyes flickered to where their hands were, through the pelt as she lifted it out of and away from his grip. Adrenaline laced up his spine and sent blood rushing through his ears, while his hands remained hovering in the air for a moment before he had the presence of mind to lower them.

Rue offered him the coins, prompting Shahar to break through the unexpected haze. He blinked to clear his thoughts, then took the money thankfully and tucked it into one of the satchels at his belt. With that done, he took another moment to wipe the blood on his hands onto his trousers; he wanted to say his next piece clearly, without any distractions.

“Rue Nightsong,” Shahar said, body broadcasting pending inquiry, gathering my thoughts. It occurred to him that it might be more intelligent to go about his question in a more delicate way, but he was not one for delicacy––not when it came to talking to people, anyway.

“Three days ago,” incident, curiosity, seek to clarify. “And today.” He gestured to the space between them. You and I, physical contact, existence, closeness, question? Heat, energy… he paused to try and think of the right word. The one that ended up coming out was something that was closer to share than anything else. Share, you and I? Happened? Same feeling? Connection. Unsure, seek to know.

storyteller noteI have refrained from adding the 15 mizas to Shahar's ledger so that they may be included in his regular income at the end of the season.

[Naiya]

Apprehension filled her as he addressed her so formally, but settled some as she read the inquiry to come in the lines of his body. As he continued, first by speaking of their previous meeting, Rue's cheeks turned pink.

They darkened to red as she realized he was also aware of her tension today, which meant that she was no better at hiding her feelings even when she had been prepared for it.

She started to apologize, the shape of it taking over her body, but before she could start, he continued signing. 'You and I, physical contact, existence, closeness?' He seemed to be searching for words as she was, but maybe because he was asking the question, had known that he was going to drop this on her, he came up with what he was looking for more quickly than her own scrambled mind could manage.

The word he found threw her even more off balance, 'share'.

Did he really claim to share the sense the energy that burned between them and set her heart to racing? The burning in her cheeks faded to warmth, her body shifting to disbelief but was tinted with lingering shapes of hope.

"I thought I was imagining it." Rue's voice was soft, riddled with emotions that filled her nearly to bursting, "I thought you would be angry, for how I acted." He still looked unsure, and Rue realized she hadn't actually answered him. Positive, yes she signed with a nod, shared feeling.

[Colt]

A nervous tension filled her as he began his inquiry, even teetering on the edge of an apology until he dropped the sign for share. This seemed to halt the impending signs in their track, replacing them with disbelief.

“I thought I was imagining it,” she said. “I thought you would be angry, for how I acted.”

Angry? Shahar said, baffled.

Yes, she finally said. Shared feeling.

Yes. It had happened after all.

Relief, Shahar replied happily. He let out a slow, shuddering breath. Was unsure, dispelled worry.

He paused then, body assuming hesitance.

I… heat, closeness, unfamiliar to me. Apology, know little.

He trailed off, unsure of what to say after that. He had posed his question, and his question had been answered: the connection between them, it had been mutual. Of that much he was certain. But what did it mean? The strange tingling heat between them was still there, thick and almost an entity within itself. It was at once both a force and a vacuum, one that Shahar was both apprehensive of and drawn by. There was the piercing desire to move forward, to close the gap between them, but he didn’t know why––and even more important, he had no idea what Rue felt about it. There was the confirmation of there being a connection, but beyond that Shahar knew nothing.

Where do we go from here?

There was a sort of shyness to his posture, alongside undivided attention and great deference to Rue. Surely she would know more than he did, and would give him some idea as to what was supposed to happen now.

[Naiya]

He was relieved? That was unexpected, or maybe, if he was as tangled up in his feelings as Rue was in her own, it was not so strange. She was not yet as relieved as he was, finding she was unsure of the answers to the questions he posed as well.

It Rue's limited experience with courting - if that was even a word that could be applied to this situation, or even the others she had faced - it had always been the man sweeping her off her feet, teasing and joking and lighthearted. Otherwise it was the forced discomfort of a suitor her father brought to dinner, or more recently the shooing out the door into the arms of a strange Drykas man.

This intensity, it was something she had not experienced before, not to mention the fact that she often was the restrained one, not the other way around. She found now, though, that she lacked the desire to push Shahar away.

The way he looked to her now, looking to find answers to 'what next?', it was not an attention she was used to receiving. Usually looks to her were more along the lines of anger or disappointment.

Deference was not something she was accustomed to seeing in another person.

He was waiting on her answer.

This attraction, her signing was traced in lines of embarrassment, and the cooling flush in her cheeks was renewed, I have little experience with it, with these feelings. She ducked behind her hair, unsure of how to continue, and too embarrassed by her inexperience with such matters to continue.

The nervousness was nearly unbearable, her heart racing in her chest. The connection between them was the only thing that kept her from fleeing.

She wanted to run. In to his arms. As far away as possible. Her conflicted emotions surely cried out in her pose, but she found she had grown still with nervous panic.

What was it about Shahar that made her feel like a cornered animal? Was it him, or something else entirely that she feared?

[Colt]

Attraction. Shahar knew at once that that was the correct word. Similar to connection, but something that held more meaning. More personal, more intimate––more like the thing it named. Shahar reflected the sign back at Rue for a moment, blending it with connection and then falling still to gather up a reply.

She was as lost as he was, it seemed. No idea as to what they were supposed to do next or what steps were the right ones. Shahar remained tensed, thoughtful, trying to imagine how to react to having nothing to react to.

There was no social convention to follow here, in this tent––not that he would have followed it anyway––because the people and pavilions and watching eyes were far away, and Shahar and Rue were alone. There was nothing for Shahar to follow but Rue herself, which was, perhaps, the answer. Shahar wasn’t sure where they were or where they were going, but he didn't need or look for the destination. He wouldn’t know what the end looked like until he made the journey.

“Rue Nightsong.” What do you want?

It wasn’t a demanding question, tempered by curiosity, tentative, deferring. It was an open question, easy to refuse if she wished to and more of an offer than anything else. If he couldn’t understand this attraction, then he could at least widen his understanding of her; there was the open offer, and then there was the willingness to comply.

[Naiya]

Surprised, thoughtful, unsure, Her body spoke while her hands were still, and it was frustrating being hampered by the pelt in her hands. She shoved aside a neat stack of clothing so that she could lay it down without dirtying the clothing.

He said her name again, and the gravelly sound of his voice shaping her name was strangely comforting. He didn't expect anything from her at the sound of her name, something that was unfamiliar to Rue.

With her hands free she thought she would be better able to communicate, but instead she found she was at a loss. Her decisions were based so often on others, on what she thought they desired, her own wants were of little consequence. She couldn't, in fact, remember when the last time she had been asked such a thing in such an open way. Angry and bothered, when 'what do you want' really meant 'why are you bothering me', that she was familiar with. This was different.

Shahar was asking, offering, but Rue wasn't sure what she wanted.

Tentatively, Rue began to sign, cautious desire to explore, comfort? then a word like friendship but with the connotation of more interest shared - query? She peered up at him from behind her lashes, feeling nervous and exposed, like something hung in the air between them waiting to drop and end everything.

She took a shuddering breath, preparing to speak, but her words caught in her throat. She was afraid. If the tension in his shoulders was negative, if he didn't want the attraction between them, it would hurt. It would be bearable though. If she opened herself to him, and he finally realized, like the others had, that she was broken, not what anyone looked for in a partner... that would be worse.

She couldn't force the words from her lips, so she continued in sign with hands that trembled softly in the wake of her words. What are your desires, "Shahar?"

[Colt]

She took a moment to set down the fur, then another to gather up a reply.

Tentatively, she said. Cautious desire to explore, comfort? Then there was something that was altogether more than friendship, a sign that Shahar subconsciously reflected back at her for a moment before his reply.

Agreement, he signed. Of course, acquiescence. Again there was the open offer alongside willingness.

But what did he desire?

That certainly struck Shahar as an odd question. Desire? Him? His desires were simple things, almost always keeping close to what it was he needed; food, warmth, shelter, the same for those he called family and he did not need nor desire anything farther.

And in that moment, as Shahar tried to find an answer, he came to a strange but not altogether surprising realization about himself: he was fulfilled by fulfilling the needs of others.

The epiphany on his shoulders was quick and concise, lasting only long enough for him to organize an answer.

Need little. Desire little. Food, water, fire, family. The word family was not quite the proper sign for it, hybridized with friendship. It was followed immediately by inclusion towards Rue––the compound sign included her in its definition without any second thought given by the man signing it.

Giving happiness, came a somewhat more direct reply. Family-friend happiness. Again there was the inclusive gesture, which quickly lengthened to refer to Rue on her own.

Your happiness.

[Naiya]

He echoed her sign, and a small weight lifted from her chest, more so lightened with his open agreement with her words. Followed by more, by willingness.

His movement slowed, but Rue's was still focused intently on him, waiting, searching for the catch, the hint of rebuttal, disgust, rejection, anger. She had no faith in this moment to last, nothing in her past had put her in a place where this, where acceptance, had been a possibility.

So when epiphany struck his shoulders, just a flitting of movement across his body, she flinched, sure that he had found the way to turn the tables, or to express his desire to hide, or harm, or use her. It was, after all, what she had been taught to expect by the people she called family.

'Family-friendship' These were his desires, and she stiffened with shock and worry as she wondered if she could fit in to either of those things. The doubt was quickly swept away by the modification of the melded word to include more, to include her. The rapid beat of her heart seemed to cease, to pause in it's race as though it too strained to process the words.

'Giving happiness' followed by that sign once more, the one that took parts of friend and family and made them one, made them a part of her. Her knees suddenly felt like they may not hold her up much longer, and she wondered distantly how long she could survive if her heart had really stopped beating.

'Your happiness.'

Her heartbeat returned, a thundering beat that drowned out everything around her. She gripped the table beside her, holding herself up with its support.

Confusion, doubt, Her body screamed the words, her mind sure he had misunderstood her question. No one could desire her happiness, because she didn't deserve it. How could someone who constantly made people miserable deserve such a thing?

It struck beyond her understanding, how he could so easily offer her such a thing. She wasn't worthy of such an offer, wasn't capable of such a thing, and she didn't know how to explain that to him. How to make him see that such an intention was beyond anything she could ever hope to have. Beyond what she could experience, beyond what she could give him.

But maybe it would be alright, if for just a little while, she let him try.

She lifted her hands to sign, but her knees wobbled again, and so she regripped the table ledge, throwing that notion to the wind.

Hopeful acceptance. Her body spoke for her, but she followed it with words of her own, her voice pitched low with emotion.

"Okay, yes. I can try."

[Colt]

Rue's reaction was sudden. Her strength seemed to leave her, rendering her to such a state that she had to rely on the table for support. Her body was made of confusion and doubt, and Shahar, without thinking, became just as confused and doubtful as she was––although those emotions were superseded by his alarm.

What’s wrong? Confusion. Danger? Hurt?

He took a half-step towards her, hands teetering on the edge of reaching out. What had he said to cause such a weakness in her?

Apology, withdrawing mistake, what was the mistake? Offer to help.

He wanted to aid her, but he just had offered aid and that was what had cause this in the first place.

Why? he asked. Why cause pain? How to ask, not cause pain?