Closed Anger Issues (Irathia)

[Samuel Longwell]

Anger Issues Date: Day 27 of Summer, Year 516 Location: The Stone Gardens Samuel Thoughts Others Samuel sat quietly in the Stone Gardens, his head in his hands. Sam had woken in a foul mood, plagued by nightmares the night before that left him with a sour taste in his mouth. Days like this had become much less common over the last couple of seasons, but Samuel still had days where his control over his temper wore thin. He had been here for several bells, calming himself down and trying his best to meditate. Although the former had been fairly successful, Samuel had not manage to clear his mind enough to make meditation possible. “I'm glad I'm not on duty today,” Samuel thought, “I'm still tired and irritable, so sorting out disputes calmly would be tough.” Samuel expected to spend the rest of the morning here and he hoped by midday he would be in a more agreeable mood. “Maybe some kind of exercise later today would help too.” he planned. Samuel decided he would try meditating again. Taking deep, slow breaths and closing his eyes, Samuel tried to empty his mind of distractions. As often happened on days like this, his thoughts drifted to his recurring nightmare. He had dreamed of the moment he witnessed the person he cared for most being taken from the world, the gruesome images waking him long before dawn. Samuel tried his best to push the images away but the anger remained like a lead ball in his stomach, weighing him down and poisoning him. Samuel whispered softly, his voice fraught with pain “Yahal, this bitterness weakens me, I need your help to become pure.” Samuel continued to pray for several chimes, as he did so his anguish and anger reduced to a dull ache. Samuel did not know whether this had happened as an answer to his prayer or the fact that the act of praying had helped him find peace, but he quietly thanked Yahal before opening his eyes. Looking round the gardens, Samuel spotted someone he thought he recognised. After trying to work out where he knew her from, he finally concluded “She's a squire I think, I've not seen her in the gardens before but I've spotted her in the training grounds. It doesn't look like she's having the best day either.”

[Irathia]

Irathia woke up from a nightmare, she was drenched in sweat and she was biting her hand again, this time drawing a tiny bit of blood as she let her pointed teeth go of her flesh. She licked the blood of her teeth as she put on her clothes and put her hair into a pony tail as she felt the bags under her eyes. Her eye lids were heavy due to the lack of sleep, they felt slow and almost crawl when she blinked. She sighed and rubbed her eyes as she attempted to adjust her pony tail to contain most of her hair. She felt frustrated, and a bit scared at the fact she was a bit pissed. She was taking a break from combat for a reason. That reason is in fact that she isn't supposed to be mad, she was supposed to get in control of her anger before... She shuddered at the thought of what could happen to her if she didn't get in control. Irathia began to stress out over what might happen to her, just a spiral of thought that set her stomach in knots. She swallowed hard as she pushed them to the back of her head, though they still nipped at her and would try to be in her main thoughts. Irathia began towards a place suggested to her by her Patron, Sera Ravonai, to relax and hopefully help her contain and or control her frustrations. "The Stone Gardens" she thought it was called. Apparently a lot of knights and squires go there to relax and meditate... Only if Irathia knew how to do any of those things correctly. She entered the Gardens and looked around, a bit confused and lost as she didn't know what to do.

[Samuel Longwell]

Samuel Thoughts Others “She looks like she hasn't been here before, maybe I should go and talk to her?” Samuel considered as he watched the squire look around. Samuel looked her over, noticing her slight stature and dark hair but no other features out of the ordinary. Making up his mind, Samuel stood to his feet. He would introduce himself to her, the Stone Gardens could be a little confusing to those who hadn't been before. He remembered his patron bringing him when he was just a squire. A place to remember those who have passed away, he'd been told, a quiet place of reflection. Samuel found it helpful to come here when he wanted to meditate, the quiet helped him focus. Samuel wandered over to the squire, smiling generously. “First time here?” he asked, “I'm Samuel, you're a squire right?” Samuel knew his pin would denote his rank as a knight and, not wanting to make a fuss about the difference in rank, he did not mention it. “These are the Stone Gardens, where we honour the sacrifice of those of the order who have died. It is a good place to come when you need some quiet too”, he explained. Samuel offered his hand for the squire to shake, continuing to smile, and hoped he could help her feel more at ease. “She looks exhausted”, he thought to himself, “I'm guessing she didn't sleep that well either.”

[Irathia]

Irathia saw a man approach her, he was wondering if it was the first time she was here and mentioned it was a good place to relax and remember the dead. Apparently his name was Samuel. "I am Squire Irathia, and Sera Ravonai suggested this was a good place for me to sort out some problems." Irathia said, trying not to sound like she just woke up from a nightmare. She wasn't sure if she was quite pulling off the tone or not. She took his hand and shook it, gripping it as hard as she could. She felt like it was appropriate. "It is my first time here," she said, "I am not quite sure how to go about this, but at this point I felt like it was necessary for me to be here." Irathia looked up at the rather tall man. She felt like a child slightly against his height and she kind of became nervous... Even though she could be considered an adult at this point the height defiantly made her feel odd at some points when talking to people. Especially now sense the man seemed to tower over her. "You wouldn't mind if you help me would you?" She asked, looking up into his face as she spoke. "I haven't really done the whole 'meditating' thing before." She said as she scratched the back of her head... Yeah the whole looking up at him made her even more nervous. She was trying to hide the fact that it was making her a bit uncomfortable, so she tried to smile and stand a bit taller.

[Samuel Longwell]

Samuel Thoughts Others As Irathia introduced herself she shook Samuel's hand with a firm grip. Samuel was surprised at how much force such a small person could generate. “You have a powerful grip lass.” he complimented, clearly impressed. While Irathia was speaking, Samuel noticed that she seemed put off by his height. “I'd probably be feeling nervous if I was speaking to someone that much taller than me” Samuel thought to himself. As he realised this he started looking around for a good place for the pair of them to sit down, knowing that it would decrease the difference between their heights. Samuel did not pry about what the squire's problems were, knowing that it could be very difficult talking about such things with a stranger. “Perhaps I will bring it up later if the time is right,” he planned, “talking about your problems can be helpful.” “Aye, I'll do my best” he replied to her question about helping her. Samuel believed that all knights should help squires if they need it, though several of his peers disagreed. Spotting a perfect place for them to sit, a low wall nearby, Samuel lead Irathia over and sat down. “I've done some meditating myself, but I'm not that good at it to be honest.” Samuel began to explain, “I know that it's easier if you have something to focus on. At the moment I can only do it if I'm somewhere quiet and peaceful like this, but my end goal is to be able to call upon it at the most stressful periods of my life. Are you ready to start trying?” Samuel instructed the squire to close her eyes, then started to try and explain how to meditate. “Firstly, you need to do your best to relax.” Samuel said, “Take deep, slow breaths and focus on something good. I've found focusing on Yahal, the god of faith and purity, to be very helpful. Try for a few minutes and let me know how if you have any problems.” Samuel closed his own eyes and took several deep breaths. Teaching Irathia had calmed his own internal storm of emotions slightly, so he found it moderately easy to relax as he began to meditate. He remained like this until Irathia spoke again.

[Irathia]

Irathia was a bit surprised at the complement, she thought her grip was sort of weak... She was a bit happy that Samuel would help her, pretty much her form of meditating now was sitting with her eyes open and freak out as her mind spiraled to worse case scenarios. So... Having some one with at least a small semblance of knowledge was comforting. As they went to the spot he selected she began to sit down, crossing her legs and placed both hands in her lap. She did as she said and she began to focus as much as she could, she closed her eyes and began to think. She was thinking of her friends... Alexander Faircroft, Sera Ravonai, Treachery... She felt like she didn't deserve them, (even though Sera Ravonai was her Patron) she felt like she was being pitied. She shook her head slightly. It didn't matter. They were her friends... She was getting upset, and so she began to take low deep breaths... It wasn't helping. "I'm sorry but it doesn't seem to be working." She through her hands up in the air as her eyes shot open. She sighed and placed a hand on her face, rubbing the bridge of her nose. She was clearly a bit frustrated as she looked up to Samuel. "I was focusing on my friends, that didn't work that much.... Any suggestions on what I can do?"

[Samuel Longwell]

Samuel Thoughts Others Samuel was concentrating so hard on his own meditation he didn't notice Irathia shuffling around next to him, clearly struggling. Her voice brought him out of his reflective mood, shocking him back to the present. Samuel looked over, noticing the signs of annoyance that were present in the squire's features. His brows drew together as he started to think about what might help the young squire with meditation. He thought back to when he first started meditating, he had a small break through when he was studying the Penita scrolls. Irathia had not seemed particularly interested when Samuel had talked about Yahal before, however maybe something similar would help her. Samuel had decided at that moment to follow Yahal's will and live as selflessly as he could, which had been a major advancement towards purging the pain and thoughts of revenge from his mind “Am I right in thinking you want to meditate to try and improve yourself in some way?” Samuel guessed, “It might be worth concentrating on what you want to be like. Don't think about your flaws, just focus on the person you want to be. I don't know if that will work, but it might be worth a try?” As Samuel said this he wished he had more experience in meditation. He really only knew about what worked for him, so everything he suggested was just a variation on how he attempted to meditate. “Don't try and force it, this is new to you so you will find it hard.” Samuel said from experience, “It doesn't matter if it doesn't work this time, so just relax and do your best.” Samuel smiled encouragingly. Samuel watched Irathia as she meditated this time, wondering about how else he could help her. His dark thoughts from earlier in the day were forgotten, as he focused on helping the distressed squire his own problems seemed much further away.

[Irathia]

She sighed a bit. "Yeah... I wanted to meditate to improve my self..." She muttered... It was hard not to focus on her flaws, considering how she felt like her flaws were the only thing of worth about her... She shook her head... She was clearly having trouble again as her thoughts would only go back to her flaws and not her best features... She shook her head again as she tried to regain focus. She should think about what she wanted to be. She imagined herself as a knight, dressed from head to toe in shining armor. In her hand was a large war hammer made of ivory. Her anger completely under control as she fought against bandits and helping the weak. She imagined herself as a symbol of hope instead of a monster that only knows rage and blood... That is what Irathia wanted to be. She felt like her life would be full filled if she were to do that. To be an inspiration to others that might have struggled much like she is right now. Deep down, Irathia knew that she would never end up like that... She still dreamed about it ever once and a while though... She found it hard not to sometimes. Its just what she wanted to be when she was finished with all her training and work... It just didn't seem like it was possible with her current situation.

[Samuel Longwell]

Samuel Thoughts Others Samuel watched as Irathia shook her head, clearly still in some distress. “Just relax,” he encouraged, “You can't force it.” After a few chimes, Samuel noticed a small smile appear on the squire's face. Samuel hoped it meant that the meditation was going a little better. After he had given her a little while longer he said “How'd that go, any better?” Samuel again considered asking the squire what was troubling her but didn't really know how to phrase it. “What if she doesn't wasn't to talk about it?” he thought, “I don't want to pry.” Samuel finally decided to just ask her. “If she doesn't want to talk about then that's fine, I'll drop it.” he thought to himself, “But some people need to talk about their problems. I know I certainly did.” “You don't need to tell me if you don't want to,” he began, “but if you want you can talk to me about the problems you've been having.” Samuel knew that some of his own problems had been made much worse by the fact that he kept them bottled up inside himself. “I know that talking things through with someone can shed some new light on things,” he continued, “so if you want to you can speak to me.” Samuel's voice trailed off, aware that he was waffling slightly. He smiled encouragingly at Irathia, genuine concern in his eyes. His own desire for revenge had gone unspoken for so long, polluting his mind and poisoning his relationships, until he visited the temple in the Summer of 515 AV. Samuel counted that day as the first along the road to his recovery, where he had poured out his heart to a person who was happy to listen. He didn't like thinking about where his life could have headed if he hadn't had that conversation. It was not long after that when the knight started worshipping Yahal, which also helped draw out some of the bitterness that plagued him.

[Irathia]

Irathia's eyes shot open as the image of what she wanted to be faded and scurried back to the ends of her mind. She felt a bit happier now. She still had to struggle a bit to keep thinking of things like that, but she still felt like something was missing... Like some sort of emptiness inside her entire being. The happiness was just a layer of emotion, covering the void like a blanket... The happiness quickly folded over on it self as it disappeared as the emptiness replaced it, soon replacing it with the subtle anger and annoyance like she once was. That is when he asked her about her problem... She felt like she held it in for long enough as she gave out a low, long sigh... "Do you really want to know?" She said. She felt nervous talking about this to someone else... What could happen? It was so uncertain now, considering how she felt like she was slowly loosing control of everything about her. The regret of killing those bandits (even though they were just bandits) was a terrible and consuming feeling that she found her self in bed thinking about her issues and the spiral of self hate that occurred when thinking about all that she had hurt in those moments... Her friends was the worst part when she thought about them and how she could have hurt them. "Well... I have this... Thing. Going on in my head," she tapped her head, " where I get really angry very quickly. I am not sure why or how this has happened considering how it just... Happened one day while sparring. When I get to this point of anger I just... Black out... But I still move, it's not like fainting or what ever it is more like I just loose control but my body just wants to still go. I become very violent and... Well..." She choked up a bit. She hated the fact that she killed people, animals are one thing but a fellow breathing, thinking, talking, thing. Something with families. "I killed some people and it just keeps on happening. Over and over again. I just feel so weak." Irathia said, she felt like a weight was starting to lift off her shoulders as she spoke, they started to tremble a bit. "I feel like a monster thinking about how I just killed and I wasn't even in control. Its hard just waking in the woods covered in blood. I just hate that I get so angry all the petching time and can't seem to control it what so ever. I don't want to kill unless I am in control, I have no clue if the people that I murdered were begging for mercy. I want to give people second chances but that is impossible when my damned anger doesn't allow me to even have a say if I should throw down my shield for a yield!" She threw her hands in the air as frustration as her eyes began to water out of sadness and anger... She felt a tears start to roll down her cheeks. Irathia just sighed and looked at the ground. "Gods why do I have to be so messed up..." She muttered. She proceeded to swat away her tears. She had to be strong if she wanted to be successful as a squire or even a KNIGHT. Even though it feels like that goal is so far away it is almost unattainable.