Family
Don't read this if you're not interested in reading a long pity party and a hateful rant.
Lately, I haven't been able to do much work for Avanthal as much as I would have liked to. Even though I had some hours to spare at night, all of my energy's just spent by the time I turn on my laptop. I end up just staring at the screen. It's very frustrating because I know I there's still so many things to do yet I can't do anything, and hearing myself say this feels like some kind of lame excuse to skip work. I hate it, I don't like skipping work.
To those who doesn't know yet, I'm currently studying at the best state university in my country. The standard of education is high, and the educational training are equally hard and rigorous. And I'm studying very hard for the monthly stipend, because an unforeseen sick twist of fate turned my story from riches to rags in a matter of weeks.
Suddenly I found myself from living a good life without financial worries to a lowly lifestyle and a family brimming with problems. At first I cursed at the world, at everything for letting this happen to me. I felt it was very much undeserved since I personally believed I'm a good person, and I reach out to help people whenever I can. But I thought this is just a temporary setback and I can overcome this. Many, many people who came before me who led harder lives succeeded in the end, so why can't I too?
I started by applying for scholarships so we wouldn't worry about paying for my scholarship anymore. I had to maintain a minimum grade of 90 in a scale of 1-100, so I studied hard and put more effort than I ever did before. I applied for our university's financial assistance program, and now we get a monthly stipend to help with the cost of living. I took up a part time job, and another online one with a per-hour salary. Basically, I did my best to pull my weight in the family. Technically, I'm the family's breadwinner now. However, my family feels I'm not doing enough.
As soon as I arrive home I fetch my younger sister from school, clean the house, do the laundry, accomplish my sister's schoolwork (because she refuses to do it, and my parents nurture this by saying it's my responsibility to do it when she doesn't want to), buy food... So yes, when I'm home I'm suddenly a maid. I understand why my parents can't help with the more strenuous work around the house but seriously, is washing the dishes that tiring to do? Helping my sister with her homework, which SHOULDN'T be my responsibility now they've piled so much on top of my plate, isn't that tiring. But apparently they can't be bothered to lift a finger around the house.
I feel like I'm alone in all of this. Everyone in the family's not even helping with the lighter tasks to ease things off my shoulders. My father especially. Since he's been diagnosed with Chronic kidney disease and had to undergo those freaking expensive dialysis twice a week, he wouldn't do anything anymore. His reason being he was sick. All day, everyday, all he's been doing is watch tv, sleep, eat, watch more tv, and keep us up at night because he's using the computer in our room and can't be bothered to at least turn off the lights. He's also a slob, and most of the time I'm home I find myself cleaning after his mess.
My sister's the same way. She creates more mess than she is capable of cleaning up. One of the main reasons I'm working hard is to help her finish her studies along with mine. Now that she's acting with this come-what-may attitude, I feel betrayed and angry. It's like she doesn't see that most of what I've been doing is for her, and I hate it to see that she's throwing away her future by being like "huh?" "what?" "eh, don't care" person. I seriously want to strangle her.
Mom pitches in by asking for monetary help from organizations. I'm grateful that she's doing at least this. However, she scorns me for spending my me time here roleplaying. She questions why I'm willing to spend my time and energy on something that doesn't pay. I explained that this is how I release my stress and I like helping out, but she wouldn't have it. She says I'm stupid for doing this for strangers. And every time I mess up, however trivial it was, she's quick to snap at me and rant about how useless and irresponsible I am. Despite everything I've been doing, I'm still useless.
I just want to move away, anywhere, far from my family. To others, this may be trivial, but I'm spent trying to get along with them. I'm so tired and lost. Sometimes ugly thoughts run through my mind, like letting my father die by not paying for his dialysis and medicine. I know I'm horrible for thinking this, but I never liked my father. He's the reason why all of this happened. I hate him and will never forgive him for everything he's done, and still doing, and I resent having to do this for him. But he's my father even though he never acted as one to me, and I feel it's my duty as a daughter to at least do this for him.
I've given up many things for them. My time for myself, bonding time with friends, my dreams and my future. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. All I wanted was some help and appreciation on their part, hoping they would acknowledge that what I've been doing all this time is for them, because I love them and they are important to me. They're my family. But it seems I was asking for too much.