[Peer Review] Eypharian

[Branimir]

In all honesty, I'm loving the revamped 'Divine Origins' bit now. The emotional Impact is definitely back for me, but more importantly I actually like that it's vague. Like this is the accepted truth any storyteller could agree on. What actually transpired while Eypha was gone is left to Interpretation as much as who was damming up the river, really. This, goes my line of thinking why I love the Version, this allows various factions to seize the narrative for their own uses. Romantics might go with my suggestion of Eypha giving herself in trade to a harsh invader. Those of a martial Persuasion might paint her as a warrior taking up arms against foreigners desecrating the land. Would-be anarchists might even suggest that nobles were the ones damming up the river and elevate Eypha and Royet as Champions of the common man. I have one teensy final quibble with the passage, though! It's so minor it's ridiculous, but just something that made me stumble as I read the text. And of course you might disagree. I'm frankly amazed how amenable you have been to my suggestions because I do do realize how subjective they were. However, here goes. With two arms, he gathered Eypha's bleeding body to him; with two more, he dragged every outsider he could catch into the depths; and with two more arms, finally destroyed the dam. I think the sentence Needs a bit more oomph. It reads a bit like a laundry list right now. I'd split the sentence in three and just throw in a bit more spice. Something along the lines of... With two of his arms, he gathered Eypha's bleeding body to him. Two more arms reached out and dragged her assaillants into his depths, kicking and screaming until their lungs filled with water. Finally, mad with anger and sorrow, the last pair of arms smashed through the dam, sweeping away the rocks as if they were but leaves. Though I think that's almost the other extreme or at least bordering on too dramatic. It's also just an example. But as far as story structure goes, I feel this should be the high point of the section and deserving of a bit more pathos than it has right now -- even if, for the Eypharian race anyway, the happily ever after is the really relevant part.

[Rosela]

I'm very happy to hear that; I really like where this edit has taken us. I honestly went through several iterations where she talks about where she's been (salt mines, gem mines, generic chain gang, etc), but no matter the story was, it seemed to be just distracting. We don't need to know where she's been, only that she's been suffering.

I do like your phrasing better for the climax, and I've replaced it with a couple minor edits. It's hard to describe with any manner of flow so many things happening at once, but I think this gets us pretty close.

Thanks again for all your help!

[Branimir]

It was a pleasure! I really love the Eypharian concept and if Eyktol hadn't been closed when I joined Mizahar, I'd definitely have started there. Not that I'm unhappy with what I ended up with, just saying I think Eypharians are awesome. So I have a vested interest in throwing in what I think really improves on what you got without skewing the vision. Okay, the Viratas consideration might have skewed things, buuut that was really more thinking out loud. And I'm still brainstorming Eypharian weapon design that takes advantage of having two or three right hands while allowing for the same leverage and control like a right hand and a left together, but that could totally be its own entry if there's interest and doesn't need to go into a culture writeup. Just saying, it was a pleasure, but also a selfish one on my end. But that's the best kind, right? I'm also trying to sneakily and just as selfishly boost my post count so I can beg someone for a nice CSS Template when I hit 50. So it's all good cause it's all selfish! ;P

[Sayana]

Even though I tried to help a bunch in the development phase, I have taken way too long to reply with a proper review. So here it is: Overcome with fury, he drew from the depths of his power, all the way back to the source itself, and swept up over the dam. This sounds a little funny. Maybe “he drew upon the depths of his power”? Or he drew ‘something’ from the depths of his power? I think there’s a lack of an object and so it sounds a bit awkward when reading it. “The great river was destroyed in the Valterrian, and it is said Makutsi was happy for its destruction, because it allowed her faithful Royet to re-unite with the soul of Eypha.” I’m not entirely sure on my lore regarding souls, but I was under the impression that most souls get reincarnated if they are not claimed by a certain god/goddess. The above sentence might still be applicable because they might have joined up and reincarnated together, but it just made me think of the Mizahar reincarnation process. What started as societal interest, no better than common gossip, grew into extensive documentation as to what children were produced when an Eypharian reproduced with a human. Perhaps “what kind of children” or “what race of children”? It sounds a bit stiff. With each generation, the Eypharian family grew prolifically in size as well as power, with many desiring that connection to the family of Eypharian Araka by producing amazing, six armed children. This is a bit long and difficult to read. Are people desiring to learn the connection, or to become connected to the family? If the former, perhaps “With each generation, the Eypharian family grew prolifically in size as well as power. Many desired to learn of the connection between the family of Eypharian Araka and how they produced their six armed children.” If the latter, perhaps “With each generation, the Eypharian family grew prolifically in size as well as power. Many desired to become connected to the family of Eypharian Araka and subsequently the family grew rapidly, producing amazing six armed children.” Due to the extensive record-keeping and interest, though some would say obsession, with bloodlines, vague details are still known about pre-Valterrian Eypharian society. Too many commas in this sentence. Try to take one out. Much of the first generation after the Valterrian was spent relearning how to survive. Nobles were not farmers, and many perished from hunger and the elements in the first decade. I believe the first generation after the Valterrian were still hiding underground for the most part while the wild djed still swept the land. In the history of the Valterrian lore, the first and second generations barely survived and spent most of their time underground if possible. The third generation took stock and the forth began to rebuild. No longer on the brink of collapse, they attempted to forget their mistakes and turned, best they could, to the business of beauty. The “business of beauty” seems rather out of place. I know Rosela is very much in that business, but maybe relax the statement a little to something like “and turned to business and trade”. The glory of the race comes before almost all else and while this makes the regulation of bloodlines far more important than it had ever been, it also opens up social positions to those who can distinguish themselves, and thus the Eypharian race, through personal achievements and skill. Too many commas again. You really like commas Despite the establishment of Yahebah as the Benshira’s home, as the Eypharian economy and society grows, slave labor continues to be a need for many Eypharians to maintain lives of luxury. Too many commas. Kelvics, despite their status as slaves or, at best, pets, are not actively disliked so long as they remain in their roles. Too many commas. To carefully enforce the purity of the Eypharian race, far-traveled Eypharians are strongly encouraged to return to Ahnatep during their lives to reproduce and share the divine djed in their veins. Any who refuse to return would not be dragged back in chains, but shame would be brought upon themselves and their family for so selfish an act. From an OOC standpoint I find that while this might add character conflict, it also feels restrictive. Additionally, if Eypharians tend to stay in Ahnatep (due to raising a family and bringing glory), then who is going to encourage these far-traveled Eypharians to return home? It doesn’t seem likely that Eypharians would travel far, just to seek out and tell other Eypharians to return home. Also, since Akalak, Konti, and Symenestra have such issues with producing children, I would rather steer away from that theme for the Eypharians. There’s plenty of that already and it doesn’t need to be the focus of their culture (purity is fine though). The sound patterns are similar to the Ancient Tongue but have been over the centuries influenced by common. “Common.” With a capital for clarification. Which family member is considered the head is often up for debate. It feels awkward starting a sentence with “Which”. Perhaps “The family member who is considered the head of the household is often up for debate.” Even a poorly bred, or worse, misshapen, child is above the ranks of slaves. What happens to a mutated child? Are they simply killed shortly after birth? Do some survive? What constitutes as a mutation bad enough to be killed for? It is one of the oldest traditions in Mizahar, one of the few precious traditions left from pre-Valterrian times. “…oldest traditions in Mizahar and one of….” Other: Agriculture / luxury items / trade: Due to the intense focus on genetics throughout the history of the Eypharians, perhaps a logical explanation for their source of food would be artificially selected crops that would better survive the desert? Thus, even when the river dried up, they would manage to survive without solely relying on trade for their luxury items. Combat: After reading some of the comments regarding combat, I thought I’d add a couple ideas. I agree that Eypharians are unlikely to be swinging around six swords at once. Different weapons for different purposes would be more likely. Even with two handed humanoids, often they use an attack weapon and a defence weapon/shield. Often I’ve roleplayed Sayana using her low hands to hold a pair of crossed daggers near her body to act like a ‘shield’ in case any enemy weapon got too close. Another benefit of having multiple hands is that you can ride a horse and attack with weapons much better (since you can hold onto the reins/saddle with one pair of hands). One might also utilize bows while riding. All in all, a fabulous write-up. It's very thorough and there were very few grammatical/spelling errors I could catch. Most of the things I commented on were just awkward phrasing and weren't necessarily incorrect. Also, I’d like to apologize for taking so long to get to this Peer Review. It’s been on my to-do list for a long time and I hope you’re still interested in seeing this article to its completion. *starts looking for more peer reviewers*

[Alija]

Well, Sayana did a good job at finding peer reviewers because I'm one! a beautiful human woman, Eypha, and a river spirit. River spirit? I didn't know river spirits even existed. This may be something I've overlooked in the lore, but it doesn't sound like something Mizahar would have. Then again, I could be purely mistaken. Royet heard a young Eypha and her family It may be the way I'm reading it, but the "a" seems a little weird. I initially thought Eypha was a race or something (before remembering you had mentioned her name before.) He began to look forward to Eypha's visits, and hearing her speak of her life The comma is a little redundant here. It flows well without one. As suddenly as the turn of a fish, one day, Eypha did not return to the river. Maybe put the "one day" in a different position? Or remove the comma after it. what children were produced "What race of children" would make more sense in this context. the study of heritable traits and how they're passed down from one generation to the next. I don't know if it is a real problem, but "they're" stuck out a little. I think it would be better put as "they are." With each generation, the Eypharian family grew prolifically in size as well as power, with many desiring that connection to the family of Eypharian Araka by producing amazing, six armed children. I think this sentence is too long. I get lost half way through it. Perhaps place a full stop after power, continuing: "Many desired that connection..." As the number of Eypharians grew, these outcast members of society became the targets of much racism and hatred, finding it difficult to procure housing and good employment, which in turn led to many to become involved in indentured servitude to pay debts. Another long sentence. I'd cut it at hatred, starting the next sentence, "They found it hard..." Due to the bone structures, the shoulders and chest of an Eypharian appear to be slightly wider than an average humanoid but are in fact only an average of two to four inches wider. I don't think these statements should be linked with a "but". You state that they appear slightly wider then give exact measurements. I don't know what you meant when you wrote it, but I would classify slightly as two to four inches. I'd write it as: "slightly wider than an average humanoid; averaging two to four inches." These glands emerged as a mutation in the Eypharian race in pre-Valterrian times, but there is no evidence it was studied or even noticed at the time. "No evidence that"? Very elaborate makeup is widespread on women and men even line their eyes in kohl or use mica dust. "on women, and even men line" Those who had been fortunate enough to have been inside huddled, as the rest of the world did, in darkness and impending starvation I don't find the phrasing of this very fluid - the comma provides a break that separates the sentence too much. Move the parenthesis to the end of the sentence. For Eypharians, simply reproducing is not enough, every member must uphold and, more importantly, extend the race’s divine glory. I would exchange the second comma for a colon. Language The Eypharian language, Arumenic (Aru= river, Menic= language), has migrated the least from the Ancient tongue due to the continual caretaking of their history by Eypharians. Out of the present day languages it resembles the ancient tongue the most. The sound patterns are similar to the Ancient Tongue but have been over the centuries influenced by common. You've capitalised Ancient Tongue in three different ways here. High Arumenic, is spoken by the upper class and any privileged enough to be trained in Semhu. Remove the comma here. Names: What would be nice if a small description of each city could be given. It would help give a little backstory to the names, although would not be at all necessary. Art: You mentioned that the body is used in art, but there was no mention of tattooing. While it may not be a common Eypharian practice, it would be nice for this to be stated. Aging: Do Eypharians age the same as humans? Stating this would be great. Altogether, a great article, apologies if I've pointed something out that has already been mentioned or only seemed wrong to me. Can't wait to see this fully approved!

[Rosela]

Heyyy I'm back to finish this up! I still have to input Alija's suggestions, but I wanted to bump it asap because we do still need ONE MORE REVIEW to move this bad boy onto Founder review. So if you're reading this, help out and leave a critique!

Notes for Sayana:

Agriculture / luxury items / trade:

Is this section in reference to the farming collapse of 300AV? I'm not sure this is something that needs explicitly stated, since it's kindof implied that they're growing whatever they can in the desert (which isn't much). I also don't want to imply that they're really doing a lot of research lately, particularly any extensions of aladjunn beyond what they have. This is a race that had its intellectual revolution well before the Valterrian and is now more interested in exploits and outward glory than intellectual pursuits.

Combat:

I feel like the existing paragraph covers the idea of wielding multiple weapons pretty well, but I rephrased a couple sentences to be a bit more explicit about it. I don't want to lay out too much either, to leave room for PCs to develop their own style. I did add the note on mounted combat though; that was a good point.

[Quip]

It looks to me that this article is ready to move on to the founder review. With the alterations and the thoughts above taken care of it seems to be a very thorough and complete article. As soon as you are ready, feel free to move on over to the founder review! Congratulations!

[Rosela]

And the second round of revisions is done! Bring on the next!

A couple notes:

Names

I want to avoid talking about the cities here, since of the four, only Ahnatep is a playable city (once it opens, that is).

Tattoos

This one made me really think about how tattoos would be viewed by them, and I've added a couple sentences in the Art section. My first instinct would have them against tattoos, but I couldn't think of a good reason why.

Age

This was mentioned, at the beginning of the Biology section.

Literally as I was writing this, I see your post there Quip! Thanks!