Why Do the Men Stray? (Ethan)

[Kendall Saarinen]

5th of Autumn, 511 AV "Whoa it was easier before I loved Before this heart was turned to stone Before this blood was stirred and blood was spilled No one was ever meant to be alone" -Gavin Degraw As Kendall and Ethan left Sylira behind, in a sense they were also leaving behind the summer. The horrible memories of Zeltiva were already starting to fade from Kendall's mind, receding back into his subconscious where they threatened to torture him next summer, if they got the chance. In truth, Kendall was not feeling much of anything. Ethan and himself were moving north without Hadrian. It had hurt, terribly in fact. Ethan had to practically drag the blond out of Ravok but now he was just moving on. For seasons he had been struggling with his strong and burning emotions but now it seemed that he was finally becoming in sync with his gnosis. Things hurt but he simply shut emotion off. It was easier to move forward this way. The land around them was more sparsely wooded than the Wildlands of Sylira. Of course, the world was slowly getting colder, although it was only a slight chill as of late. The land was still trying to cling to the last remnants of summer for as long as it could. "Slowly now, Sivah's touch will fade Bowing out for Bala's harvest moon We leave the warmth now in the steps we've made Welcoming in the Morwen's winter tune" Kendall spoke the words of the poem softly as he looked forward to the land ahead. He sat perched on Dyakana's back, not in any mood to walk. He just wanted to ride and keep riding until the thoughts ceased to exist in his mind. "Ethan, we are going to be headed north. We should probably ride as long as we can and then make camp at night." He felt strange having to make the decisions of the group, even if the group was more like a pair. He was so used to Hadrian taking charge. If he was not going to be at their side someone was going to have to step up and chart the path ahead. In his strange null of emotion he felt almost as if he could do it too. He needed to be tougher and he was slowly becoming just that. One could see by looking at him that things were already starting to harden over within him. "While volcanos shall growl and spit there is one thing that is always known. Where ever there is fiery magma, it's inevitable it shall fade to stone."

[Ethan]

Another city, another life, another master. They all fell behind him in the end. One way or another he had lost them all. Hadrian was not the first. Nor was Syliras his first home, but they ended sooner or later. Even though Hadrian was never properly sworn to Ethan. The human meant more to him than he could of said. The Kelvic was starting to realize that bonding wasn't the only way to love someone. It wasn't the only way to be loyal. Hadrian was a good teacher, and a fine man. Someone that Ethan could respect and love. It did not matter if he was bonded or not. Hadrian was still a friend and companion. So, through the slaver city of Ravok, though the wilderness of Sylira and now the Northern Reaches. Ethan would protect and take care of Hadrian's lover. Not out of a bond, but out of respect for the lost. It wasn't an easy task to get Kendall out of that retched water locked city. The wilderness was much easier for the Kelvic. They followed the same routines as they did traveling up the Karbin Road. Ride during day, hunt when needed, eat little, Camp at night, and keep watch. All of that came easy to the man. He had traveled city to city for most his life. It was the silence that bothered him... Kendall used to be such a happy person. Hadrian would give a compliment and the blond would flush red. It was depressing to see that same man now. Stone faced and gaunt eyes. He looked years older without that illumination in his eyes. "Ethan, we are going to be headed north. We should probably ride as long as we can and then make camp at night." Kendall spoke in a curt tone. And Ethan thought about what he said as they walked. His thick leather boots scraping softly against the dirt. Dyakana's hooves padding through besides him. ”We need to find high ground. Won't protect us against the winds but it will help me keep an eye on creatures. And try to make as much noise as possible at night. Scares the most creatures off.” Their conversations so far had been mumbles and quick words about their plans as they went North. Which reminded him. ”As the winter trails on I will need to sleep in your furs for warmth. Feathers only do so much at night and this time of year I should be all the way to Eyktol by now.” Said Ethan. Even the soft chill of early Fall had the Kelvic bundled tight in his wools. They were traveling north and he could feel the coming Winter in his bones. And the urge to fly south.

[Kendall Saarinen]

Hearing Ethan give him direction calmed Kendall a bit. He was not ready to make every little decision. He did not like that he was looking down from Dyakana while he talked to the Kelvic though. While there was a faint need in him to show Ethan, and anyone else he met that he was dominant, he also hated to literally talk down at someone. Stopping Dyakana, Kendall slowly climbed down off her back, standing at Ethan's side. "I'll walk with you until you decide to fly." His hand gripped around his Colorsplash's reigns as he stood at Ethan's side. He was happy to have the kelvic at his side. At least he was not alone. Cathan had departed in the Wildlands, or maybe he had just gotten lost. It was hard enough to lose him but losing Hadrian as well was tearing the blond apart. Cathan and Hadrian had been as close to family as he had for a while now. All he had was Ethan now and even if he would not admit it, he was grateful for him. A silent nod was given in response to Ethan's suggestion. He was sure Ethan knew more about wilderness survival than he did. "If you find a good place feel free to point it out. You are leading this trip just as much as I am." His knuckles were blanched from gripping so hard to Dyakana's reigns. She was a good horse. There was no reason for him to hold so tightly but he could not help himself from gripping. He refused to let his emotions surface anymore. They had to come out somewhere. "That's fine." Kendall was not sure he wanted to share his furs with another man but he had little choice. Ethan was not like him. He did not have the heat of Ivak warming his body and of course, his avian instincts would drive him to want to seek warmer climates. "I'm sorry that you have to come with me to Avanthal. I'm sure you don't want to. It's too cold for a bird." For a moment a tear threatened to spill over his cheek but he shooed it away with a series of deep breaths. He was done with crying. Tears had not gotten him anything except from comfort and kisses from Hadrian but he was nowhere to be seen now. "You should take me hunting next time you go. If we are going to be traveling to Avanthal I'm going to need to know how to hunt." This was more of a weak attempt to make conversation than anything. He really did not want to talk but Ethan seemed to be unsettled by the quiet. "That is, if you want me to come with you."

[Ethan]

Ethan understood why Kendall wanted to be eye level with the Kelvic, but that was a fine horse he was passing up. Ethan's legs carried his just fine til his wings were needed, but Kendall had nothing but his two. He needed to keep his strength up for the journey. "That's fine." Was all Kendall had to say on the matter of sleeping together. Perhaps Ethan should of put in that he would be feathered as he slept. He didn't want the girl getting uncomfortable. Especially with how hot Ethan's blood got at night. It would be awkward for both of them if he stayed in his current skin. "I'm sorry that you have to come with me to Avanthal. I'm sure you don't want to. It's too cold for a bird." His tone made Ethan worry. They walked elbow to elbow so it was easy to use his Auristics to get a reading off the man. With a slight nudge at his soul. His Auristic eyes opened wide. Tasting the Man's Aura. The first thing he felt was that sudden sense of loneliness. The feeling of being lost out at sea. With no land or ship in sight for miles. He didn't need to pry any more and closed his senses. Ethan wanted to take his words back but the blond continued. Kendall's words were choked back and it only made him feel worse. Kendall must of thought Ethan wanted to leave back south. That he would be all alone, with no one to help him as he traveled north. He hadn't know the man long but he knew that he needed others around him to keep him sane. "That is, if you want me to come with you." Said Kendall. His tone stiff with restraint. Ethan looked over at Kendall and smiled. Although he might not of seen through the heavy wools he had wrapped himself in.”Kendall Samantha Saarinen. Your my brother. A little cold won't drive me away from you. It was only a jest.” He smiled and added. ”Besides I still have a boy hood crush on you and I will be damned if I just see you wander off”. “With your temperament your likely to burn the face off any creature or Vantha in your path, along with half the Bronze Forest. And then where would I perch?” He pulled up the heavy woolen hood of his cloak. He was warm beneath his all his layers but he felt ridiculous. Like some giant fluffy chicken.

[Kendall Saarinen]

A light smile twitched at Kendall's lips after Ethan spoke. It faded as quickly as it had appeared though. Happiness had become fleeting. Every smile, every surge of positive emotion within him reminded him of his aqueous lover. He closed his eyes, keeping his walk constant as he felt Ethan's arm melodically brushing against his own. As long as he felt Ethan walking beside him he would not get lost. Of course, he would not walk with his eyes closed for long. It was unsafe and of course, completely stupid. The way Ethan spoke made Kendall feel protected but in a way, he wanted to be able to protect himself. He would learn though. He was still dependent on others whether he liked it or not. Perhaps this time traveling would be a good way for him to wean himself off of others. He needed to know how to take care of himself. There was not much to say to Ethan's last comment. Kendall was unsure if he was insulted or not by the Kelvic's words but of course, he was in a very exposed state. The words worried him though. Was he getting to be violent? Mismatched eyes surveyed the horizon, looking for high ground like Ethan had said. At first he was bothered by the fact that one would see his temperament as being enough to singe the faces off of others but as he kept thinking, maybe it was good. He was losing his innocent Zeltivan girl mentality and others were seeing it. Things were changing now. His family did not want him, Hadrian and Cathan were no where to be found, and now he was heading to the frozen city of Avanthal. The same city that housed the Goddess who had locked away his God. Maybe the voices in his dreams where right. It was time to man up and move forward. After a while of walking the sun was starting to set and it was becoming evident that the pair would need to set up camp. Kendall pointed forward to the land ahead of them. The ground seemed to slowly slope up forming a small hill. "That should be a good place to make camp, right?"

[Ethan]

He couldn't blame Kendall for not wanting to talk. Ethan knew from the day they left Ravok. That it would be cold and silent the rest of the way. He had gotten used to scouting ahead and keeping airborne. It was easier that way, for the both of them. Ethan had already scouted several times today. Any more and it would be strange, not mentioning his hunger would be staggering when they camped for the night. Instead, he dealt with the silence and kept his tongue. As they walked he tried thinking about where Hadrian had gone. That night Ethan was sound asleep. The others would keep watch of anything suspicious and Hadrian would wake him if the someone left. Except it was the Mage that left this time. Ethan was never woken, never warned. It still made him furious to think about Ethan fiddled with the long strip of cloth he had used to wrap around his face. They had called it a turban, but Ethan had other uses for it. It was white, imitating the plumage around his face. The heavy woolen cloak he wore, was a deep black, meant to be his wings. His tunic was a light coppery orange, like the feathers on his chest. And his breeches were black. The actual plumage on his legs. were the same orange as his chest, but it didn't look right on clothes. Ethan had an annoying habit of caring what he wore. Unlike most Kelvics who simply tried never to wear clothes. Ethan saw his wools, as his feathers. He wouldn't go flying, looking ruffled. And he wouldn't go out into the city, looking dirty. Before long, Ethan had exhausted every scenario for Hadrian's disappearance. And the sun as well. Day light was slowly sifting from the world. He scouted around for areas to sleep and was saved by Kendall's suggestion. The land wasn't the best but it could have been far worse. He would at least get a warning before any predator came at them. Even with winter a season away. Ethan needed to be deep in his furs from the chill. Changing had become a chore. And if anything came charging at them. He wouldn't have the time to defend them. Ethan saw this problem before they headed north and purchased a spear. Which he was currently using as a walking stick. As he huffed and puffed over the terrain. He hadn't had a clue how to really use it, but it was simple to use. Just jab and stab. ”I wouldn't nest in it. That's for sure, but it'll do. You got a Hawk's eyes.” He slapped the Blond on the chest, playfully. ”But that's not saying much. I plucked a Hawk right out of the sky not too long ago. His eyes didn't do him much good, but they were the tastiest part.” He laughed as he bragged, but it felt empty. He remembered that day with Hadrian, how he caught the hawk as a present for his research into flight.. How he called Ethan the best bird he ever knew... Those were better times.

[Kendall Saarinen]

The thump on Kendall's chest surprised him a bit when Ethan slapped him. He looked at Ethan wide eyed for a moment before calming back down. He knew that the kelvic had not intent of hurting him but as calm as Kendall tried to seem, he was still quiet high strung. A forced smile pushed itself to Kendall's lips when Ethan complemented him, or at least he thought it was a complement. While Kendall might have been disturbed by Ethan's words earlier in their friendship his words now seemed to just glide right past him. "Thank you… I think." Kendall walked forward, urging Dyakana to follow beside him. He wanted nothing more than to set up camp and sit by the fire. He wanted to feel the heat running through his skin. A small part of him wanted to sleep as well. It was painful to sleep without your lover beside you but at least when Kendall slept the pain of his disappearance left him for a bit. When the pair had made it to the top of the hill Kendall let go of Dyakana's reigns, flexing his white fingers as they became unclenched. "I'll start the fire if you would like to set up the tent. Everything should be in Dyakana's saddle bags." The blond proceeded to look for twigs and sticks, even some dried leaves to use as kindling. After he had gathered a handful he dropped them on the ground, arranging them close together with the sticks pointing up like a tee-pee. This was a lesson that he had learned from his father and as he arranged the kindling he shook his head, trying to banish the thoughts of his father from his mind. Next, Kendall gathered stones and used them to line the kindling so if the fire got large, it would not burn down the land around them. The rocks would stop the fire once it reached them, granted they were close enough together. Although, this did not account for sparks that could fly off of the flames. Once the fireplace was ready, Kendall let his Res release over his hand. He closed his eyes and cleared his mind before letting the fire ignite. He did not need to mediate before using his flames but it was always nice to find some peace of mind. Kendall let the flame drop down onto the fire place and smiled softly as he felt the heat from it wash over him, slowly urging his body temperature higher. He felt happier with the fire before him. The crackling of the embers and the heat of the flame made him calm a bit. "Ivak, protect us as we travel. Let your flames keep my companion and myself warm and help us to cook our food. Most of all, please protect Hadrian, where ever he may be. I love him more than prayers can say." Mismatched eyes wandered up to look at Ethan after the fire was roaring. "Would you like to join me?" It was a feeble attempt at trying to be friendly. It hurt to try and be warm and welcoming. He just wanted to remain shut off and cold.

[Ethan]

"Thank you… I think." The smile faded from Ethan's lips. It was a little too soon for humor. Ethan could see that, but he had to try. Whats the point of keeping someone alive if they were miserable the whole time? Kendall headed off towards the site with his horse. Leaving Ethan behind to make his slow pace up the hill. The Kelvic knew the value of saving your energy. Because the trail would survive but if you pushed yourself too hard. You might not. When Ethan was up the hill. Kendall asked him to set the tents up. He obliged without complaint. Setting his spear down next to Kendall. He trusted the human with it more than himself anyways. He walked over to the mare the blond owned and started rubbing her flanks and mane. The horse responded by nudging the Kelvic. She was a much better creature than Hadrian's beast of a stallion. It nearly stripped his tail feathers off on more than one occasion. Dyakana on the other hand was sweet as a lamb and had taken a liking towards the Lammergeier. It was only natural. Ethan understood the beast, and knew how it felt. The horse must of felt something from him. A natural instinct or trust of some kind. Whatever it was, Ethan had little time to explore the ideas now. He quickly unpacked the tent and started raising it. Sticks and Canvas, it was definitely a human contraption and had all the hidden complexity that drove him nuts, but he got it ready. Just in time to hear a prayer "Ivak, protect us as we travel. Let your flames keep my companion and myself warm and help us to cook our food. Most of all, please protect Hadrian, where ever he may be. I love him more than prayers can say." When Kendall was done. He looked up at him and offered a seat. With a smile. Ethan pulled the cloth from his mouth and sat down next to him. The spear between them. ”And may Zulrav always keep our tailwinds strong.” Ethan released a stream of Golden Res from his hand and let it spill out in a slow circle. With heavy concentration he forced his Spirit to absorb the wind around him. And then slowly sent it blowing into the fire. Stoking it with the air and making it grow fierce. The Res disappeared into the fire and he took off his gloves, warming his frigid fingers. Ivak be good, this fire is wonderful. Wind and Flame serve each other well, don't you think? Makes a proper inferno out of cinders. Just feel that heat... Course you can't feel it all that much, can you? He nodded towards Kendall's arm smiling. He had always wondered why Kendall never seemed to be bugged by the flames he created in his hands. ”That mark keeps you from burning doesn't it? Your like a hot stone under the furs as well. Its so toasty I can't feel the chills at night. I'm the luckiest bird in the world. Winters come and I don't need to fly south.” Ethan said laughing.

[Kendall Saarinen]

Kendall watched Ethan idly as he stoked the fire. He was not worried about him petting Dyakana. The kelvic was a gentle one and so was his horse. He was pleased to see the two got along. It would have made things much more difficult if the two animals could not stand each other. When the tent was set up, Ethan took his place next to Kendall. He still did not feel like being too social but he was feeling a bit more complacent. The flames calmed him although in truth, he could not have seemed more calm. Kendall nodded silently when Ethan asked him about his mark. He was surprised Ethan knew what his mark did. Although, Hadrian could have taught him. Ethan was turning out to be a much more interesting Kelvic than he has expected. Through him, one could see Kelvics could learn if they had the drive and a skilled teacher. Kendall had never really thought deeply about the sciences of things but maybe Hadrian was rubbing off on him… or had rubbed off on him. "I feel like I have wasted a lot of time." The words came almost out of nowhere. Kendall's face remained blank and as emotionless as his words. "I have been chasing dreams that are now over and now…" Kendall poked the fire idly with a long stick by his side. "Now I have lost the one person that exceeded my dreams." He shivered slightly in the slight chill of the wind. The cold air around him made him crave Hadrian. He wanted to be beside him, keeping him warm. The Gods only knew where he was. "I miss him." Kendall pulled out his notebook and thumbed through the pages. There was a poem he was looking for. It really had nothing to do with what they were talking about bit it had always worked to calm him when he was upset back as a girl. He had not looked back on it in a while but now it seemed to be a good of a time as any. He read the words quietly aloud. Loud enough where if Ethan wanted to hear, he could. "By first snow By first snow my Doe Should have a ring And Bala I, I've been saving But Hope is on a rope Hope is on a frayed rope And I can count her ribs through my kitchenette window And I am scared And unprepared And she is startin' to show When we found Hope When we brought Hope home The smallest of the litter down the way And the blindness in her eye, clouded grey I knew, we both knew That adoption' her meant more than any ceremony her mama's been watin' for And I am scared And unprepared And she is startin' to show My Doe's a little psycho But she looks alright with the lights down low My Doe wear her head inside out My Doe know I don't mind though My Doe My Dear My Female She sell retail down by the Apothecary" When Kendall finished he simply looked down at his notebook as he ran his finger over the edge of the pages. He did not offer Ethan an explanation for the poem. He simply looked up at the fire after his reading and snapped the book shut. The poem had served it's purpose, smoothing over his nerves. As far as he was thinking, Ethan could just enjoy the poem.

[Ethan]

Kendall was still in a quiet mood. So when she broke the silence with a sudden poem or at least the beginnings of one. His ears perked. The words where beautiful, if not a little tattered from lost memory, but he got the point. It obviously talked of Hadrian and the loss Kendall was facing. The poor girl was taking this to heart, and why shouldn't she? Hadrian was the only person to accept and love her for who she was. Ethan loved the Mage in his own way, but grief was an old song for the bird. Nothing he hadn't sung before. The pain never left or lessened, but it did get easier to look okay to the world. Ethan had been putting on mask's before he could fly. So it was easy to him, but Kendall... His interest peaked when the blond opened up a note book and started to recite a poem. He had always loved her poems And I am scared And unprepared And she is startin' to show When we found Hope When we brought Hope home The smallest of the litter down the way And the blindness in her eye, clouded grey I knew, we both knew That adoption' her meant more than any ceremony her mama's been watin' for And I am scared And unprepared And she is startin' to show My Doe's a little psycho But she looks alright with the lights down low My Doe wear her head inside out My Doe know I don't mind though My Doe My Dear My Female She sell retail down by the Apothecary" Kendall closed the pages and kept silent. There was a long pause between the two. Leth was gaining a hold on the sky and the color was seeping into the west. The fire cracked and spat sparks. It was a soothing sound, fire. He had always loved watching it as a little boy. Perhaps it would be his next element. He still dreaded the idea of controlling water. Ethan loathed getting wet. Kendall. He wrapped his arm around the other man. Several layers of wool made for a fluffy sound. ”I think you should hear the poem my Milk Mother used to tell me. She was the woman I suckled from. And she would tell it to me when I would despair about Grimm.” Ethan cleared out his voice and started. It was an old memory, but when your only eight years into life. Things come back quickly. “Let it go – the smashed word broken open vow or the oath cracked length wise – let it go it was sworn to go let them go – the truthful liars and the false fair friends and the boths and neithers – you must let them go they were born to go let all go – the big small middling tall bigger really the biggest and all things – let all go dear so comes love” Ethan smiled as he said the poem. Every word and every verse was memorized by heart. There were some beautiful moments with that woman and that poem. He had often wondered what happened to his wet nurse. She was the closest thing he had to a real mother. ”She was a very special woman, my wet nurse. One of the only people to ever let me forget what I was. 'Kelvic or human, all babies need suck.” He laughed and imitated her husky voice. ”That poem taught me to stop clenching to the harsh things in life. Loss of loved ones is a tragic feeling and it never gets better... I would know. But you can let go of the grief you hold onto. The despair. It has no place in your life Kendall. Hadrian wouldn't want you to shed a tear for him. He loved you and wanted to see you happy and blessed. Honor his memory with your happiness. And that fiery smile of yours” Ethan patted his back fondly and let go. He yawned softly. The weary trip taking its toll.