Pressure Releases
A rather long and rambling scrap. 
Sometimes whether you know it or not a person finds themselves under a lot of pressure. It feels a lot like the old saying about putting a frog in a pot of water and the water slowly heats up and kills them but they don't bother to get out of the pot (even though they can) until the temp is too high and its too late. Why? Because the pressure was gradual. Well, real life has been like that for me a little. I had toxic buildups and I realized a lot of those buildups were from people I truly didn't want to be around and certainly didn't enjoy. You try. You forgive. Sometimes you even feel sorry for them. But in the end, you keep your mouth shut and start feeling like you hate the person you have to become to be around them. It's really as simple as that. You never know whats going to happen to make you come to that place in your life and take a stand. Well, as some of you know, something did happen. And I thought it was so underhanded, so pathetic, that I shook my head and washed my hands of people I felt had zero compassion and absolutely no capacity for understanding or forgiveness. But I'll talk about that later.
So I took a few days, thought things over, and made some major decisions. I did what was best for me, and what I felt was best for the entire situation. Some of you might be judging me for that, and you know what? I'm fine with that. I honestly am. Because those of you who judge don't have both sides and never honestly will. Why not? Because I don't trust nor care about you enough to share my story. It simply doesn't matter to me what you think. It probably never will. Whom I choose to have in my life is my own business. And though I've never talked about those falling outs to anyone not involved, other parties have and that just reinforces my decisions tremendously.
Then there are those of you who were wise enough to give it some time and are now gradually approaching to ask for information. I'm talking now, quietly providing that information, and not doing so in anger or out of bitter rage. I'm speaking plainly and that's that. If you've asked, I've given you some sort of reasonable honest answer in my perspective. And I hope you've learned something from the whole situation. I really do.
So without talking much about it in my scrap, I will say only this. You see and hear a lot of things when you are quickly approaching forty. There are sins and then there are sins and then there are patterns of behavior that are damning. I'm more than willing to get my hands dirty to keep this place the place I feel it needs to be. Others are not so willing. See... I believe in being forthright and honest about situations that involve the game and drama therein. I don't think NOT talking about them is okay, especially to the game as a whole. But I was hurt, and made some bad decisions and agreed to keep quiet. It was a poor choice recently and let something happen quietly without talking about it. I never said a word to anyone about it who wasn't involved until much later after I realized the others who made the same situation weren't being so discrete. I think it would have been fine if everyone agreed and stuck to the situation. They did not.
Now though, having been through this, I will never agree to let something be swept under the rug again. The game is owed more than that from us Founders. And that's why when I'm involved, I'm going to give my warning now that nothing like this will ever happen again and be quietly cast aside because its 'distasteful' or people are still too angry to talk vocally about it.
Some people feel that talking quietly behind closed doors is not getting ones hands dirty and is perfectly okay. It wrongly empowers people because every time you tell them something private, they feel let into some sort of 'secret cool kids club' that shouldn't exist. It makes the confessor popular with those they take into their confidence as well because suddenly they are 'cool' enough to be told private secret things. I can forgive a lot, but I can't forgive people using others this way and letting folks in on private situations and conversations just to gain friends or even allies. That someone did this just disgusted and frankly offends me.
So... that's the situation. You might be confused now or you might know exactly what I'm talking about. But that's been the gloom that started this month. When it all happened, life went downhill for a bit, and then came back up. It came back up with such speed and with such a relief that it made me smile.
Life is going fantastic, really, except last weekend went to shit. Isn't that always what happens when things are going great? My hottub broke. I managed to fix it. My washer broke and couldn't fix it and had to buy a new one. I later went to vacuum the floor and the vacuum belt broke. I then went to steam clean and that belt broke too. Talk about frustrating. So I had a rather downhill slide all week until Friday which I took off for some R&R and to spend time with the animals.
It was really relaxing and something I needed.
I almost feel like I can do some writing for Mizahar again. I think I will in fact over the next two days because after my break yesterday and the pressure dam of Boo Boo breaking - being so sick and finally passing. It's better. Life is better. Because its been a rather roller coaster month and amazing in some ways and crappy in others. The changes have come fast and furious but I think its been a whole bunch of changes for the best. I know I'm happier. A friend once said to me when you get older, unlike the young, it gets easier to make changes in your life. I think that's very true, though logic would say the young are more flexible. But really they aren't. Not from what I've observed. I think the young are pretty idealistic and don't get it all the time. Sometimes there's toxic things that need their distance and or removed all together from the scenario. Its hard when you think about it, but its a whole hell of a lot easier when you don't and just do it and then can sit back and look at the result and go... okay wow... glad that's over with and glad that influence is gone.
Then you kinda get mad and wonder why you let it go on so long.
Sometimes I pull back from Mizahar a bit because there is a real weight involved in the game. I had to laugh recently because someone accused me of throwing that weight on myself and piling up the work that didn't need to be piled on. The person that said that obviously doesn't understand what it takes to keep a game running and functioning. Someone has to be here. Someone has to do the work. Casual involvement doesn't keep something running smoothly and thriving day to day. It just doesn't make the cut for me. And every time I hear someone say something like that I loose just a little more respect for their thoughts and feelings because its obvious they don't have the experience to understand. That's why I also lavish priority and praise on those that stick to the game and help it out as much if not moreso than I do. We have some incredible staffers and players that have been here and will continue to be here through the years.
Despite when bad things happen.
I do understand what they think though - those angry haters that pretend to be nicey nice folks. But in the end it doesn't matter really. This game will thrive if I have any say in it, and it will thrive if others have a say in it as well. Some Staff will come and go. Some players will come and go. Some we will like. Others we won't care for. And if they are worth anything they'll stay and love doing so as much as I do. I'll encourage the ones I enjoy and ignore the ones I have no respect for which leads me to another topic.
Respect.
Its a thing earned. It's not something initially granted just because of surface attitude or window dressing. Now I'm sure about ten players will look at this scrap and say I'm talking about them. Because honestly there's some paranoid fucks on this game. Believe me I'm not thinking of anyone specific. I'm thinking about concept in general. A lot of people join this game and are instantly upset that I don't warm to them immediately or want to be BFFs because I've seen it all. There's a class of player out there that needs to be beloved, needs to be in the spotlight, and needs to be utterly different than anything else around. That's fine. But I think its more fair to earn it by say time and energy etc than by up front demands of 'be my friend'. I'm here to be Mizahar's friend and love this game like no other. I helped birth it and was there at its conception. We had a dream that Tarot was able to code into a reality. It turned out fantastic, if I can be completely biased about the situation. And it felt really good to drag out a game map I'd been carrying around since the early ninties, a concept, and a name. And frankly I love this game a whole lot, and often that eclipses the love of fellow man. Well, there are a few exceptions. You know who you are.
Some people say I'm a game destroyer. I say I'm going to be here every step of the way to see us hit 350,000 posts or 500,000 posts or whatever our current goals are. That means development, fierce protectiveness, and a forthright honesty to the playerbase about whats going on.
I should have talked about this last situation. I did not. And for that I owe everyone an apology because I feel like I let folks down. Some of you know what happened and that's alright. But most of you who know, know because some incredibly bitter people told you. And I bet you don't know all the deceit and deception involved in that last expose. But it wont' happen again. No, I don't mean the situation. I can't control what other people do and say. But what I mean is the lack of transparency. When things happen, I will be talking about them. Publicly, vocally and as many times as it takes for people to gain some sort of understanding of the situation and form their own opinions. Secrets kill games. They really do. I won't let secrets harm Mizahar. Wounds cut open and left to be exposed to scrutiny heal a lot faster, especially in situations like this. |
by Lixue on August 8th, 2012, 7:02 pm 
I know how you feel having lost a few dogs myself in the past - non-dog owners will never understand how painful it is, but we spend a decade or more with them, and they become such integral parts of our lives. Lots of love your way!