Mao's Doodle Haus [ Psychobabble ]

[Talhar]

That sculpture is insanely awesome. Jesus is jealous of the devil now.

[Mao]

On the Future I think it's time to devote my time to painting more often. Everyone knows that saying, "Practice makes perfect." Well yeah, it's true. And everyone has to start somewhere. Even the greatest artist were less than perfect when they started, I just have to keep telling myself that. "I'll get better I'll get better, the little train that could, etc". So I've come to establish Wednsday as "Pao's Drawing & Painting on Photoshop and PT Sai Day" or PDPPS for short. I need to draw more, I need to paint more, or I'm never getting better, even if, after all these years, whenever I took a break from drawing and I came back, I miraculously got ten times better. I know it's not going to keep doing that, so I need to start now. And damn, I have learned so much in the years I've been at the college I'm in. It's helped me a lot, but I realized that I need to push myself to practice on my own time, not just in class or for homework, but everyday if I can and when I have time. I've been, to be honest, starting to get nervous about my future. I''ll be in this huge debt after it's all done, and I'm so insecure that I might just go to graduate school to learn more, and that's racking up more debt just so I can have a sliver of a chance to land a job in a gaming company. It doesn't help that some professors say it's really hard to get into. It makes me want to be proactive, but I know at the level I'm at, it will be impossible for me to get an intern without a portfolio, which I'm slowly building now that I have suitable stuff to put in it, but it makes me scared. Really scared. I want this job, it's everything I've wanted since I was little. I'm too stupid for anything else. I love Physics but I knew it wasn't for me at any higher level, I've always wanted to work with animals, but the amount of work I feared would be piled on me made me shy away. People don't seem to realize that art school is just as stressful. You need to be good, or you're fucked, basically. You can't just come in not knowing how to draw and expect to pass unless you really take into account everything a teacher is teaching you. It's hard. Really hard. I've always been told "Pao, you're going to get far. Pao, you'll be famous one day." No, I won't. I look up to all these concept artists and painters for games, wishing I had their level of expertise to make it to the top. Well I'm trying. And sometimes, I just want to sit and cry and pull my hair out because I know if I fail, if somehow, all of this was for nothing, then my mom will lose her home, because that's how she put me through college, putting her hard-earned home on the line. Everything will be gone. All of this is on my shoulders, and sometimes when I look at my drawings I think, "Shit, this is not good. Not, fucking good." And I just... I don't know. I just need a sign, haha. A connection to the gaming world, a professor that I'm on good terms with like my sculpting instructor, she's awesome. I have it planned out, sort of. Internship at a gaming company, get my portfolio set up, enter the spring show and hope to god a gaming company looks at it and calls me up. Go to GDC and hope to talk to a developer, go to Blizzcon and EA conventions. I just need to be proactive... it helps to have someone that's trying to do the same too. I'm just afraid my dreams won't come true.

[Elhaym]

I understand where you're coming from. A lot of people don't realize how stressful doing something like animation or graphic design can be. These fields are 100% cutthroat, and you have to be both talented and able to be a vicious individual to succeed. I sometimes question why i'm doing it as well, because it is so hard to actually get into and become stable.

All I can say is keep at it. The good thing about it is, many of those who pursue these fields end up dropping out of school or just not doing anything with it once they graduate. If you have the will to continue forward and you practice like you say you will, you will get better. My advice would be to tackle your weak point. Try to be as well rounded as you can be, and you'll be better for it.

I've seen your work, and how quickly you can sketch and create something. You have a great talent, and as you refine it you will become more and more confident in your ability. It's scary, the debt thing... i'm in the same boat, but minus the stress from your parents sort of thing. Honestly, just do your best. That's all anyone can ever ask of you, as cliche as it sounds.

[Mao]

Well, it's done. First personal drawing of the semester. Submitting it to blizz, hoping to see it up someday on the fanart page. Excuse the size.

[Stitch]

That is one of the more badass mages I have ever seen. That flame she has going on is really awesome! I have my coworkers over my shoulders, and they are ooooohing and aaaaahing. xD

[Elhaym]

It kicks ass! You did awesome on the embellishments on the shoulder armor, despite my taunting =). I swear, I need to get me a wacom... your digital painting skills blow mine out of the water.

[Mao]

You know, a lot of things seem to be upsetting me lately. I'm an extremely sensitive person. I cry easily, believe it or not. It's not in me to keep my tears away when I'm angry or sad. I cry my heart out. But feeling as if I'm getting pushed away from people I like to be with is another thing. It shouldn't hurt as much as it should, but it does. I'm conflicted. Am I sociable? Am I a loner? I enjoy being alone. I enjoy being with friends. But I like being alone a lot more than being with friends. But that also doesn't mean that I like being shut out as if I don't matter as much as some people. It really hurts me, because it reminds me of these shitty events from my youth, it just repeats itself, you know?

I'm not good at keeping up with people. Generally, if someone wants to talk to me, they need to initiate it first. I rarely text, ever. I hate texting. I rarely call unless I'm bored and want to chat. I just don't give it any effort. Maybe that's a sign of a person lacking some social skills, but to be honest, after I lost my confidant, I gave up. I loved her. I loved her so much it hurt me. Killed me when she just.... disappeared. And now I realize that, well, I was a horrible person to her. So to avoid any of that shit again.... I just gave up. Maybe it's because I'm a coward, I'll accept that, but I don't want to hurt someone close to me ever again, and that's worth it in the long run.

Now certain... events have left me feeling as if I'm the odd one out. And I feel insecure about it. I'm the type that always needs to be in the know, because if not I feel like people are talking about me behind my back, like I'm being backstabbed, like I'm not worthy. It's ridiculous, but I can't help it. And it makes me angry, and stubborn and fucking bitchy for no reason. Some people notice it, some don't. Not to mention it's also annoying hearing people bag on the society you live in, or where you live at. It's not classy. It doesn't make you cool or better. It's being disrespectful. Sorry, but that's how I feel on it. And I definitely needed to get it off my chest.

Anyway, back to moping and being a stubborn bitch.

[Hania]

Even if you feel like shit There's a few of us down here with you, and the only way out is to keep going.

[Mao]

Just some lava practice. I'm not too satisfied with it.

[Jilitse]

You are the LAVAfmahlayf! Ooh that looks like what the world looked like after Ivak went emo!

I miss you Maopie! Hoping to catch you again in chat. I hope you're having fun with vacation and playing games and painting purty pictures and chilling out.

Love,
me.