by Lenell Belleste on March 29th, 2013, 2:10 am
MYSTERY OF THE SWISS FAMILY ROBINSON, EXPLAINED!--So, I decided to give this book a read, because it came free and has achieved cliche status. Let me tell you, this ain't your normal shipwreck story. The Family aren't hurting. They were wrecked with an entire hardware store's worth of tools, a massive collection of guns (and barrel after barrel of gunpowder, all dry), and a whole herd of livestock. The father has encyclopedic knowledge of every South American plant and animal and all their convenient uses and the Robinson men's hunting is so frequent and so productive that if they are not soon rescued, the island will never recover and they'll all be so fat they'll have to be lifted out of their treehouse via crane. It's less like a shipwreck and more like a Boy Scout immersion program, where you earn every single badge and make Eagle Scout in a matter of months. Their lives are eerily, supernaturally easy. It was creeping me out. Then, the father and the eldest boy are out slaughtering things as usual, when, on this island packed with South American wildlife, they come across a kangaroo. A FREAKING KANGAROO! IN THE CARIBBEAN! It was then that it all began to make sense, that the mystery resolved itself. The Swiss Family Robinson are shipwrecked on Lost Island. It's the only explanation for all this weird stuff. Any moment now, I expect a swarm of polar bears and others to burst out of the jungle and slaughter the bunch of self-righteous prigs.