The long awaited moment

by **Caesarion** on August 9th, 2013, 1:27 am

73rd of Summer, 513 AV

God, the walk through the city tonight had been so nerve-wracking. He used to feel in danger when he went through the fortress, but Aoren convinced him away from that fear. It wasn't like Ravok, here. In fact, it was probably a lot worse for a person like him. Someone who defied the strict vision of the city with all of his choices. The nerve-wracking part of all this wasn't the usual fear of strangers who he didn't know, but the one person in Syliras who he was well acquainted with. A man who he totally abandoned for months in order to fulfill obligations he didn't even tell him about. The last second decision to go away was something he made with little consideration, and he'd felt regret for what he did from the moment he left the city. And yet he didn't say anything, send any letters, or try to communicate with Aoren in any way. Because he was lazy. And that was the most ridiculous thing, to him; he couldn't even take the time to do that one thing.

You could tell he'd been beating himself up over this. He had no more Lheesi with him, and none of the other people, either. So, he'd been bashing on himself to his lonesome, all the way back to Syliras, and into his crappy little apartment. And eventually, to Aoren's place. The man was dressed up as he had always been; with simple, loose clothing, very informal. He did noticeably look a bit different, though -- after all of this time traveling, he looked worn down. His hair was a mess, his bangs running down to his eyes, and the rest looking as if it had been visited by some vicious wind torrent. Yeah, he wasn't going to be making the best impression here.

The thing was, every day he didn't come to see Aoren, his own feelings about... well, himself, became more clouded. He felt like a coward, hiding away simply because his excuses wouldn't be good enough. He didn't want to go back to see the man just to see he'd found someone else, or that he was infuriated with him. That he'd reject him. This humiliation was exactly why it took so long to come to this point. Well, that and having to travel back to the city, which sucked, by the way. Even more than when he came here the first time, as instead of excitement for a new life, he felt like he was just trying to conclude the life that could've been.

The former Ravokii, and... Aoren's former lover, came up to his door. His heart felt so heavy it could fall through the earth, but he was not going to shy away any more than he already had. He knocked three times, each knock rippling through his body. Caesarion felt... like this was a huge mistake.

by **Aoren** on August 9th, 2013, 1:54 am

Aoren looked up from where he sat at his desk. Before him lay an open book in which he was writing his latest discoveries about the disciplines he practiced. The information within the pages was rudimentary at best and lacking in the artful flare of a master writer but the words served Aoren's purposes just fine. He turned away from the book and furrowed his brow staring at the door.

"I never get visitors."

Aoren was not the most social of people in Syliras. Quite frankly, he spent most of his time alone devoting himself to his studies or merely working. It was how he kept himself from dwelling on things that would lead him down darker paths. Rising from the chair he padded over to the door. The chill of the stone floor helped to awaken his lethargic legs. The refreshing coolness against the bottom of his feet pulled him from his normally contemplative mindset. Grasping the handle of the door he opened it slowly and cautiously. When his visitor came into view Aoren was floored. There must have been a thousand emotions running across his normally blank face. This was a completely unexpected...and slightly unwelcome surprise.

Standing less than two feet away from him was a man that Aoren had written off as missing or dead. A pattern that seemed to have repeated itself in Aoren's life again and again. As his cobalt blue eyes came to rest upon Caesarion's rugged and travel worn visage he at first felt joy. That joy was then dampened by the stinging sadness that had burrowed into Aoren's heart when he'd thought he'd been abandoned yet again. Without even thinking Aoren's hand acted as if it had a mind of its own. He reached for Caesarion, fingers grasping as if to touch him to reinforce the fact that he was real. The stunned numbness that briefly clouded his mind was at that point suddenly consumed by a burning anger.

Time and again Aoren welcomed people into his life. Time and again they left. They vanished. They abandoned him.

"Just like my father..." Aoren shook his head and stood up straight crossing his arms over his chest and staring at Caesarion. The emotions that had played out across the planes of his face were masked by blank indifference though Aoren felt anything but.

"This is...unexpected. To say the least."

by **Caesarion** on August 9th, 2013, 2:25 am

This was miserable. The second Aoren opened the door, all of these emotions between both of them ignited all at once. And for the first time in a long time, he could visibly see emotions staining the man's face. He looked desperate. If you could see Caesarion's face, all you'd see is guilt. The man knew he did something wrong, and it was weighing heavily on him. Even worse when Aoren's evident shock erupted right in front of him, and worse still when for a moment, he seemed like he wanted to reach out and grab him. But then he stopped.

Silence followed, for a while. He wasn't so stupid as to think that Aoren wouldn't be angry, and disappointed. In fact, the longer the silence pursued, the more anger he could feel. By the time Aoren had crossed his arms over his chest, the tension between them had gotten so hostile that he expected to be slapped in the face, or told to leave. And he would've done that. At least it'd be a conclusion. Rather than that, though... his old lover just acted as he always did. He didn't say what he must've wanted to say, he was just 'appropriate'. That happened to make things a little harder, actually! If Aoren said something all emotional or angry, it'd be easy to respond equably. He couldn't just try and play this off with formality. He had to say what was right on his morals. Fuck, did he even have morals?

Caesarion's eyes averted to Aoren's feet, or maybe just to the floor. He avoided eye contact, or any sight of his face. He quickly tried to gather his thoughts, although you could say he fumbled a few times. It must've taken almost a minute before he actually replied. And when he did, it was obvious that all of that 'gathering of thoughts' and 'self control' crumbled the very moment he tried to talk. "I'm a horrible person," he bitterly whispered. "I know I am. I'm so horrible that even I recognize it, and -- I beat up on myself all the time. Anything you want to say to me, I've already said it to myself. I know," Caesarion's fists balled up, his expression becoming a grimace, "I left you hanging without saying anything. I even considered that maybe you'd think I died, but I still disappeared anyway. You see? I'm so selfish." He stopped there; he barely even knew where he was going with this. Was he trying to apologize, or just thrash himself some more?

"You don't need to be civil with me. I'm not here for the obligatory 'it's okay' welcoming. You and I both know it's not okay." His words stopped there. He wanted to say a lot more, but the words that'd probably come out would turn this into some weird self-justifying speech. He wasn't a victim of adversity, like he thought he was. Aoren was the one who'd been abandoned here, and he couldn't bear the thought of this turning into a Caesarion self-pity session. It always came to that, even when the situation called for the contrary.

by **Aoren** on August 9th, 2013, 5:52 pm

Many questions went through Aoren's head as Caesarion explained himself. The more the Ravokian man said the tighter he pressed his lips together. Aoren didn't know what to say first. He wanted to send Caesarion on his way. He wanted to seek justice for the distress he'd suffered at Caesarion's hand. Aoren did none of those things though. He merely stood there and listened to what he had to say. By the time Caesarion had finished speaking Aoren's fists were clenched so tightly his knuckles were white. After a long pause the Drykas man finally sighed pinching the bridge if his nose between his thumb and index finger.

"I don't know why you abandoned me, Caesarion. Quite frankly I don't care. I thought maybe you were dead..." He stumbled over the word. His voice was thick with emotion. He cleared his throat trying to get past the slight stumble in his speech. Aoren took another deep breath.

"An entire season. Nothing. Just silence." He shook his head. His shoulders slumped and he suddenly looked infinitely tired. His mask of indifference cracked slightly. His eyes searched Caesarion's features for a moment. Aoren felt like a raw nerve. Truthfully he didn't even know Caesarion enough to be this troubled. They hadn't even spent much time together. Yet there it was. The dull ache in his chest.

Part of Aoren knew that maybe he clung to people so quickly, so strongly was because he felt a need to cling to those who managed to get close. He always felt as if he would suddenly lose them. A fear that proved to be true all his life. With a clenching of his teeth and a tightening of his jaw Aoren refrained from slinging any more words at the worn man before him. He ran a hand over his face and through his hair before leaning against the frame of his door.

"What do you want Caesarion?"

by **Caesarion** on August 11th, 2013, 1:39 pm

It was heart wrenching to hear Aoren struggling to speak. His voice, his posture, and his expression... they were always clear. Completely pristine, unstained by his surroundings. This whole situation was just so fucked over. It all could've been prevented if he'd just said something. Why didn't he...? Caesarion couldn't even justify his leaving, as what he left to do was something horrendous. He was afraid for his own safety, and so he rebuked the safety and happiness of others. The man gagged on his words before he could start to explain. Perhaps the motive behind leaving was something he could opt out of telling Aoren. Permanently.

"I don't know what I want. I'm broke, I'm sick and I don't want to go home and sleep my life away." There was no Lheesi to cry to. His house was completely barren, empty. Why go there...? "I'm not going to demand your forgiveness, but frankly, I don't know what I'll do without it. You're the only person I know here. If I don't at least try to fix what we may still have," he frowned, "I'll just rot away on my bed."

Aoren's eyes, from what he could see each time he peaked up to meet them, were glaring. He looked angry, distraught. The question he had on his mind... was Aoren really the type to turn him away? If he had no faith in his capability for kindness, then he wouldn't have even come here, back to Syliras. This man was the only reason he was even here. Nothing else in the city was worth coming back for. That was why this return visit had to count for something. The Ravokii's hand twitched at his side. He contemplated his movements, but ultimately decided to go with what his impulse allowed him. His hand went forward, and tried to cling around Aoren's wrist. For a moment, he looked up, and he started to speak. "I missed you. I know you might be angry now, but I know it's because you missed me. Can we be happy to be back together? There's no reason to spoil what we've still got with anger. It may sound like bullshit coming from me, but..." He cut himself off. There really was no 'but', at this point. Aoren... had a decision to make. Maybe he wouldn't trust Caesarion anymore, and he'd leave him.

Either way, the guilt would be the same, but rejection would probably turn into a lot more drinking, in response to his own lackluster life.

by **Aoren** on August 11th, 2013, 3:12 pm

The moment Caesarion's hand touched his wrist Aoren went stiff. He didn't know whether to flinch away or to pull the Ravokii into a tight hug. Aoren was confused. He was hurt. He was angry. Some of it had to do with Caesarion. Some of it had to do with practically all of the other people in his life who just walked out or disappeared. Whether it was their fault, his fault or neither it didn't matter. The bottom line was this: Aoren was and had been alone or abandoned most of his life and the rifts that caused were starting to catch up to him. He didn't flinch away though. He didn't pull Caesarion into a hug either. He reached up and cupped the side of the other man's face rubbing his thumb along the ridge of Caesarion's cheekbone gently.

Everything the man was saying was true. Aoren could see it easily enough in his eyes. Though he didn't need insight to determine the validity of a person's past he seldom pried where he wasn't welcomed. He let his hand linger there for a moment before sighing and dropping it to his side gently dislodging Caesarion's hand at the same time.

"You missed me, yet you left me without any explanation. You want peace when all you've left is chaos. Can we be happy just to be back together?" Aoren's eyes narrowed.

"We were never truly together Caesar. Not really. If we were maybe you wouldn't have kicked me aside so easily. Truthfully? I don't know you. I wanted to know you. I wanted to. I really did. I'm not so certain of that right now though." He pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. There were too many emotions raging through Aoren's head right now for him to think clearly. Too many things he'd suppressed instead of coming to grips with. He sighed heavily, the weight of the moment showing in the rise and fall of his shoulders. When he'd pushed aside enough of the turmoil in his brain to speak again he looked up and studied the planes of Caesar's face. His cobalt eyes saw a desperate man grasping for his last straw. His last resort. Aoren could have very easily closed his door and washed his hands of an equally washed up young man.

"But what kind of person would that make me? I'd be no better than the cruel bastards who turned their backs on him in the first place. What would that say of my character?" Aoren gained a thoughtful expression. The same one he always did when he was contemplating something heavy. His brow knit. He chewed on the inside of his bottom lip every so slightly and the corners of his mouth dropped into a slight frown. When he reached his decision he ran a hand over his face and gave an exasperated groan.

"Mother Avalis I beg for your patience." He stepped aside sweeping his arm in front of his waist in a welcoming gesture direction Caesarion into the interior of his home. Once Caesarion was inside he closed the door then turned to regard the other man at a distance.

"You can stay here. For now. Until you're back on your feet. This doesn't change anything. I just don't want you out there for the Knights to pick up and throw to the mines. For all I know you could end up before the Council of Three." He heaved another sigh and folded his arms over his chest.

"Keep your distance. I don't know how to handle being touched right now. " He looked away from Caesarion for a brief moment before continuing. " You're welcome to my food and if you need coin to go to Soothing Waters to wash up just say so. If you have clothes or other belongings that you can't live without I suggest you gather them and find a place in here to store them. Neatly. We obviously don't have a lot of space." He gestured to the lackluster apartment where he lay his head to rest. After a long silence Aoren walked back over to his table, seated himself and picked up his quill to continue writing. Before he threw himself or rather tried to throw himself back into his studies he glanced over his shoulder.

"You want my forgiveness, Caesarion?" He turned back to his book and dipped his quill into the ink then began writing.

"Show me you deserve it."

by **Caesarion** on August 11th, 2013, 4:07 pm

He stared quietly, evasive of eye contact or anything of the like. The young man was obviously very nervous; his posture gave that away easily. It didn't matter, though. He'd gone this far, and he wasn't going to chicken out already. Out of the blue, Aoren started to rub his face, which quickly made him very happy. It seemed like a gesture of forgiveness, even if the man did still look all tense and uncomfortable. Actually, it quickly sunk in that it wasn't really a gesture of forgiveness, but some sort of reassurance. Reassurance for Caesarion, but not for Aoren. There was no way he was suddenly okay with all of this. That realization was followed with the removal of Caesar's hand from Aoren's wrist, which was enough to completely shatter his optimism. Even the tiniest things in situations like this could become deadly assaults on the man's hope, and when tiny things turned into visible issues... Yes, Aoren's sudden choice of words were very obviously hard on him.

The part that was the hardest to hear? 'They were never truly together'. Maybe he was just a naive person, but he didn't see it like that. That short time they had together meant so much to him. He really did consider Aoren his partner, which made him wonder if he cared too much when there was little reason to. Was he really so wrong in his judgment? "Then..." His throat felt restrained. The words that needed to be said were not the ones he wanted to say. He wanted to express his side on all of this. How he'd gone through so much, and to come back to this form of... rejection, was painful. It was like a dagger to the heart. He didn't say anything for a while. He gathered his thoughts, contemplating once more. If Aoren said anything for a whole... minute or so, it'd glide past his brain. The Ravokii had to think long and carefully about what he said here. The stakes were too high for him to ramble on incessantly, like usual.

He snapped back to reality when Aoren affirmed that he could stay. The track his mind was on right now, though, wasn't welcoming to the idea any longer. In fact, he did exactly what he really hoped he wouldn't. His eyes narrowed, his fists clenched at his sides. "If we were never truly together, then why do you presume that I ever needed to tell you anything? How could I have abandoned you, if I wasn't even with you? Maybe you should choose your words better, Aoren." Yep, he was turned into a very rage-filled Ravokii from those words. "Maybe you think I'm nothing but a maggot, but don't treat me like I'm worthless. I'm not going to be thrown into the mines because my life has no better purpose. I'm not going to commit some horrible degenerate crime and end up before the council." His voice was mixed with anger and a disjointed sadness. Was this really... what he even wanted to be saying? "I'm smart enough to know I should keep my distance. You don't need to command me to stay away from you like I'm a slave. An untouchable. I don't need your money," he snapped, "And I don't want your forgiveness, if I need to prove I'm deserving of it." As a closing of his speech, he pulled Aoren's hands away from the door, and slammed it closed, cutting off vision between them. Still, before he went off, he yelled off one last remark.

"I may not deserve your forgiveness, but even I deserve the truth. If you don't trust me and you don't want to be near me, then don't force yourself to offer me a place in your home!" After he yelled that from behind the door, he exhaled loudly. His voice was completely muddled. It didn't matter whether he really meant what he said, as he'd already said it. And for the first time in his life, he'd have to actually stick by what came out of his mouth, lest he make himself feel even more worthless than he already did. Even though his legs didn't want to move, they did. He scurried off, away from the buildings and their smothering feeling. He'd go home, even if it was an empty place where he'd rot away.

by **Aoren** on August 11th, 2013, 4:30 pm

Aoren couldn't say he was surprised. He couldn't say he was hurt. He couldn't even say he was angry or indignant. He just let Caesarion throw himself into a fit of rage. A fit that, to Aoren, seemed childish and unjustified. Had Caesarion deserved the harsh words that Aoren had spoken to him? Yes. And no.

"Maybe I should have spoken more carefully. I don't even know. Everything is so confusing right now." People made such little sense to Aoren. That was what made people who they were. Their unique quirks. Aoren had spoken out of anger but there was nothing he could do about that now. He was no master of the subtleties of speech otherwise he might have said different things but that was neither here nor there at this point.

Aoren rose from his chair turning to face Caesarion as he ran out the door and slammed it as he left. Aoren felt numb. Part of him had been happy to see the Ravokian back but the rest of him saw far too many qualities from that detestable city in-bred into the other man to truly have been happy with him. Deep down inside Aoren had felt as if maybe he could rub away the stain of Ravok from Caesarion. He felt that maybe he could have changed him. Aoren realized now that such a desire was selfish and as equally arrogant as the arrogance he perceived hailed from Ravok itself.

He couldn't change a person just because he thought they didn't conform to his idea of what was right or wrong, good or bad, skilled or unskilled. He had to accept that person for who they were whether he agreed with it or not. That wasn't to say there wouldn't be conflict but rather he needed to be both more tolerant and more careful about people he welcomed into his life.

Aoren looked up to the ceiling of his home. He looked at the back of his right hand. Avalis had heard his prayer. She had probably heard his prayer long before he'd uttered it. She had taught him a lesson right then and indeed imparted Her patience to him. It just hadn't been in the way that Aoren could have imagined. He wasn't ungrateful but it was certainly not what he would have expected. He then took that moment to stand up straight and look around his apartment. The stale scenery. The unchanging environment.

"I've been putting this off for far too long." He sighed. His eyes went to the door one last time.

"Good-bye, Caesarion."

"Good-bye, Syliras."

It was time to set in motion the work to sojourn away from the great City of Peace.

by **Radiant** on October 7th, 2013, 1:52 pm

Aoren :

Caesarion :

Notes :

My radiance is not bright enough?

If you have any questions or concerns regarding your grade, beam me a PM and we can work it out.

Skill	XP Earned
Observation	+1 XP
Socialization	+1 XP

Skill	XP Earned
Observation	+2 XP
Socialization	+1 XP

Completed The long awaited moment