He nodded at her comments about the darker sides of Sunberth, even by Sunberth’s standards. The look she gave him was tentative, almost as if fearful to even look at him, her mouth opening a fraction perhaps before she looked away and they were continuing their wandering. He wasn’t surprised, though he had hoped to avoid such thoughts given that he didn’t even like thinking about them. There were things that happened in Sunberth that he was beginning to believe should probably stay in Sunberth. Not for the first time his mind was taken back to his talk with Zach and that question he had asked. “It isn’t politeness Taz…I just don’t really want to darken your flames too much. I know you said to share burdens but our worlds are so different, I don’t like the idea of a bit of Sunberth making its way to your Syka” he said honestly and with a little sadness. “Oh, I’m not sure they’d be song worthy, I’m not really that good, I just dabble really. Think and write mostly, something to pass the time that is more enjoyable than silence. Sometimes they help me figure things out, sometimes it’s just how I feel. If you really wish to, I can give you a selection to look through” He had known that she found cooking enjoyable though he was not prepared for the tumbling out of words that followed his question. At times Taz even seemed as if she were holding off on breathing so as to get all of what she wanted to say out into the open. She asked him questions but left him no time to answer and her passion was clear to see, the flames that he compared her to growing to become a veritable bonfire that seemed to radiate out from her figure. He smiled to himself at the fact he had manage to rouse the embers within and though she joked about her figure he doubted a few extra pounds would stop the men of Syka watching her quite intently. As she spoke of killing things in a sacred way, of using the whole animal and turning to a more spiritual tone of conversation he nodded along and enjoyed learning something new about her. He never would have thought of things the way she did, then again perhaps a lot of his opinions would change if he ever spent time in Syka. He had painted a certain picture of the place and with each of her stories he added to it in his mind, trying to connect them all into a whole that he could coherently understand. This was the more vibrant Taz who had won him over at their first meeting, not the Taz who worried about planning and thinking and whether he was okay. No, he liked that she could get lost in her loves in a way he had not seen before. This was the woman and not the inn owner or ideal and he liked her very much. “You know you light up when you talk about things you are passionate about?” he asked, ignoring her words about the apartment, he had the feeling she would do as she wished despite anything he said and so he chose to absent himself from that particular battle until such time as he could simply pay his fair share in a way she couldn’t refuse, “it’s quite endearing. Those are the fires I saw and it’s nice to see them again” He sighed at her question, clenching his jaw and looking away, he had no desire to follow up her light with his shadow, but she had asked and the rules of the game made it so that he had to answer. He knew why she was asking, she wanted to know how terrible he was. It was only natural, though it hurt him slightly that she would think he could be that bad a person. Though, upon reflection, he hadn’t given her the best of impressions all of the time. His gaze remained distant though his tone of voice was still companionable, as it had been before though quieter. “Taz, I wish you wouldn’t ask me to dampen your light” he said, honest and direct but without accusation. “Your imagination is not worse than the reality, in fact it is likely the reverse though I cannot read your mind,” he began with another sigh, “but that doesn’t mean everyone is involved in it. Slavery is there but I detest them, many do, if I could I’d rid the city of them. If they go a lot of the exploitation might vanish also, particularly that of children. But I am only one man” “I’m not sure I’d put blackmail and torture as worse than the other things you mentioned but yes they exist there too, though I’ve not been involved in them, I was never in a gang and they tend to have the market cornered on extortion, blackmail and related things when money isn’t paid” “I have killed, though I wouldn’t say it was murder as they attacked me first. I’ve stolen and lied and swindled, cheated at gambling and been involved in more than one fist fight – though not all of them were of my choice. I’ve woken up in the cage at Tall Johnny’s with little choice than to fight or be offered up to be…sacrificed to the baying crowd. So yes, I’ve hurt people” “I haven’t raped though it happens. Most don’t like it, it is frowned upon but the strongest can do what they like in some ways. I have visited brothels, though not often as a customer and the times I did it wasn’t exactly gratifying. My job is to protect such a place, make sure no one raises a hand to the workers or causes trouble. I suppose you might say I am a…guard…there” he finished with another sigh. “Mostly I just try to stay out of the darkest parts of the city and earn enough to keep me in food and clothing. Last season and this season are the first real times I’ve had long term employment and beggars can’t be choosers” he didn’t meet her gaze in case he saw horror there, it would be a shame if his past actions, mild by Sunberthian standards he thought, would ruin the bond that was forming but he knew, deep down, she was a much more moral person than he was. It was partly why he was afraid of her joining this fight if Arcadius ever came. He was truly evil and he’d do all of those things she spoke of to her just to see her suffer and cause him pain. “Last season, late in the season, I was asked by a man named Zach who I met here in the Outpost, whether I would change Suberth if I could. I said no at the time, not because I didn’t want to but because I didn’t think it should be my choice but the city’s choice, the people. I didn’t like the idea of having that sort of power over others. My ancestors did and look how it ended up, I didn’t tell him that part but I suggested to him that such power in the hands of the unwise…” he trailed off, looking at a piece of stonework as if it might bring him answers. “I am not so sure I told him the whole truth. There are things that I would change after hearing about other places, how they are happier or more stable. I don’t like the idea of some central authority but surely there can be a middle ground? You could somehow cut the more rotten parts out to see if the rest heals a bit? I don’t know…I only know that I try not do be the worst of Sunberth’s citizens. I have turned down lucrative things more than once because of it and starved for that for a time. I don’t regret it. If the rest of what I’ve done make me evil then so be it, I was never dealt the best of hands in life it seems. At least I am alive to try to do better” He didn't ask a question after, the taste for them had faded and though he felt a slight easing of his burdens because she now knew pretty much everything about him, even the grimy bits, there was no satisfaction in it. He doubted he would ever live up to the standards she clearly held for herself, it didn't seem possible unless he either left the city or the city transformed beyond recognition. He was not sure either was likely in the short term, perhaps not even the long term. |