Tazrae,
I’m sorry I didn’t write sooner, things have…changed quite a bit since I last wrote to you. Though, in many ways they haven’t changed at all but…well hopefully you’ll understand by the ending of this letter. Much as your own opening stated, I suppose knowledge sometimes only comes forth when you’ve got to the end of whatever it was you wanted to say. Besides which, Lys has been commanding me to stay on the sofa and relax ‘lest I ruin Doctor Shi's stitching work’….then again she then complains I don’t help her to do other things…I think she is just worried and unsure how to take the events of five days past.
But that can come later, first I wanted to write about you. It is strange how someone can fill your thoughts even when you don’t remember how they looks, a terrible drawing the only reference point. I have read your letters many times and have found the light that clearly fills your soul to be a thing most comforting when days have been difficult. Letters…words…they are strange things, aren’t they? So able to express joy and communicate…so many things. But also, so able to do the opposite. Much like life, I think, they are a charmed thing…magical in their own way. It would make sense then that it would be something that lingers, calls to you…gives you a way to try to…navigate this burden you have found upon yourself.
I wanted you to know that, so you knew that you do have human connection…if not the physical embrace that you might need alongside it. If you wish, then we would love to see you physically. We may forget for a time, but in the end, we will remember and such times may…help to sustain you until Syka resolves the problems that it has. Which brings me to what I also wanted to say. I am worried for you. You sounded so sure that Syka would solve things before but now…you offer me a list (which I will take and put to good use, you have my word) of curses and talk as if you don’t believe that this will end anymore, one day. Are things so bad there that they cannot see a path forwards to end this?
You will find no judgement from me, I understand why you might find more…satisfaction with the Ixam than with your fellow humans at present. There is much to be said for living in the moment, being truly alive and burning brightly, full of sensations and satisfaction…if only for an evening. Truly what you write about is fascinating and the part of me that Eyris noticed years to learn more, to know and perhaps experience one day if possible. Like a tantalising puzzle it distracts and captivates me…but over the seasons since learning who I really was, since Eyris visited me, I have learned that such things can also become all consuming. I trust that you are strong willed enough to not fall into that trap, you were marked by many divines purposefully because of who you are and so possessed of strength.
But from the sounds of it I didn’t tell you everything that I felt. Perhaps that was a fault of mine, or perhaps there just wasn’t the opportunity between everything else we shared in our time together – I don’t know. I discovered that it is also easy to get lost, within such a mentality. Wisdom, it seems, requires you to get burned before you can appreciate the lesson – like the first time you touch fire as a child. Tazrae…part of the reason that I never was able to see a way out of the tunnel towards my meeting with Arcadius, that I saw nothing but death at its ending…was because I lived in the moment. I never thought of future hopes, dreams or possibilities. It was partly fear…but a large part was also the sense of…comfort. It is…difficult…not to be comfortable when all you set for yourself is the goal of a full belly, a drink and a smoke afterwards. It was like a soft blanket, protecting me from the raw emotions that I have since experienced…and it was, in some ways, a poison because of that.
And it clearly stopped me from grasping for that which I held most dear too, safe in my present and so unable to be hurt with the conclusions I had already rationalised and accepted a hundred times over. There is something to be said for it…but I have been shown that, perhaps, we need to have both perspectives to truly be whole. Your sadness, perhaps, is a reflection of that. I will not tell you what to do, you have always sounded capable and intelligent in our correspondence. You forge your own destiny…just know that there are those that would share it with you, whatever shape that takes.
You have told me much of your time and given me much to think upon. I would very much like to discuss such things face to face, but I leave that for you to decide, should you wish to return to me, in the Outpost. I would like that, but as many have told me of late, only we can decide our own fates. Now, it is my turn, to tell you of things that have happened to me. I can’t tell you everything, it would take too long, but perhaps any questions and blank spaces will be filled in with future meetings and communication.
On the 35th…gods 5 days ago already?...yes 5 days ago…I was kidnapped from Ruby’s, along with Lys. It was a god, posing as a man, and demanding to know answers to questions (who’d have thought the gods didn’t know everything?). Later I discovered this was Ionu, god of trickery, illusions and mischief (yes…I think I can hear your laughter from here…I laughed too…afterwards). He did not harm us but he did make Lys vanish for a time – she is fine by the way, before you start worrying, and we are back in the apartments with Jade…a Gasvik…but I’m getting ahead of myself.
Anyway, Croix/Ionu told me that both the Mortanis and one of Arcadius’ Commanders were in town and after me. I am proud that I did not faint…less proud of some other things but for now…it was a shocking development, sooner than expected. He tasked me with killing the Commander and bartered using favours with the divine of memory to make the Mortanis forget I existed. The Commander is now dead, killed in a pit fight of gladiator team combat no less, and the Mortanis are now gone, I am forgotten to them. There was another god there – he called himself Vas. The Gasvik seem to…serve him? They are sentient gargoyle creature…kind of…that only Lys & I can see (I swear I’m not making this up). Jade quite likes Lys…likes me less…but then he was his reasons. I have a few more scars but managed to simplify my life…and strike a blow against Arcadius. He is down two commanders now, including the one you killed…he must be furious.
Croix/Ionu marked me, so now I have another ally on my path and something very interesting to play around with which…well I think it will be…fun. Less fun was when Vas showed me how it would be like to become a third marked Mortanis…like my father was. Gods…a thousand lifetimes of…terrible and awful things…I’ll remember them to my dying day Tazrae. But…it got their point across. More than one point. My father…Kalas…he overcame that torture to be with my mother – they are still both alive, but they would not tell me where. They are being allowed rest after their suffering. I suppose I can’t disagree, though I am sad I may never see them again.
I was almost beginning to hate my father, for dumping me here in Sunberth with no memory. I still did when I…argued with the gods. But now, after time and reflection of that evening has taken place, I find myself in awe. He burned away all of his Djed to scour himself of three gnosis marks! No one knows how he did it, no one knows how much power it took…not even the gods. He must have suffered…so much…just so he could be with my mother. I can only hope to be half the man he apparently was. Everyone important knows him apparently, he is famous. I think they will not think that much of me by comparison. I suppose that is fitting…both of my parents were extraordinary people it seems.
I also spoke with the real Arcadius, the one who Sran’tuka (that’s the name of the body snatcher the gods gave me) robbed of his body. They…summoned him somehow. We argued…oh how me argued…I was less proud of that. I was childish, I see that now. But he told me that the way he steals bodies is by using an artefact from before the Valterrian. It was originally medical in nature, made to store souls until replacement bodies could eb found, or their own bodies repaired. It has been…altered…by this…creature…for their own purposes. But the body he stole from Arcadius is dying…cancers and deterioration. This makes him vulnerable…but also more dangerous as time passes.
Oh…and Lys is my cousin apparently. Like Leo. So now there are three of us, at least. That means more to me than I ca put into words – that I have family and that they have found their way to me. I will leave that…at that…for now. I suspect you’ll know how much it means to me.
I have told you all of this not just to keep you updated, which I think you would want, but also so that you understand this next part for what it is. You offered us a dream, in your last letter, and we accepted. Never before have I thought ahead into the future, nor has Lys for something so delightful. But it is more than that…knowing now what my origins are…what my parents did…that I am more than just a pawn ready to be sacrificed…I want a future. That future. Remembering every detail of our past meetings isn’t necessary to know that the future with you is something I want…need. I have never thought of myself as a wise man…in fact I’m fairly sure I’m dense and foolish a lot of this time…but somewhere, deep down, what wisdom I have sings to me of you. The curse will be broken, they always are in the end. If my father could defy his goddess then I can help you erase this terrible affliction.
Nothing…is impossible. This I now appreciate.
Perhaps, one day, I can live up to my parent’s memory. But, I think, if I can manage a quarter of it then perhaps I will be found worthy. You say that Syka holds your heart and Sunberth mine…this may be true in some ways. But how can places have possession of hearts when…really…they are made to be held by the hands of others? I think, now, I understand the riddle Eyris gave me. But that should be left for another time, when you come see us and spend an evening surrounded my those as want you there…just because of your company.
We’ll be waiting, when you are ready,
~ Alric & Lys
