Flashback Fresh Wounds and New Pains [Razkar]

[Ayatah]

She listened to his piece, her fingers still entwined with his. His words were brimming with her own thoughts, and with the truth. Only when he added ”no matter what that means for us” did her eyes leave his to flicker to the ground, tinged with worry and concern.

No, that is not what I want. She thought despondently, what I am suggesting is a means for us to return to our happiness -- together.

But what if that is not what he wanted?

How had she not considered that? Ayatah felt like kicking herself there and then. She had thought long and hard about how to go about their future in order to keep them both happy, and for their love to continue. But what if he wanted out? What if the pain and numbness that existed between them had resulted in his affections to dwindle and fall apart?

The thought sent jitters down Ayatah’s spine, and try as she might, she could not shake off this new fear. Their relationship had been so… perfect until most recently. When they had met, there had been an instant attraction, swiftly followed by a dead tiger and two muddy Myrians. And since those early days, things had just… progressed. Yes, they had their own lives and duties to complete, but each night (or at least, most nights) they would reunite together, kissing and laughing and talking about their day. Usually they couldn’t keep their hands off each other, even if that simply meant holding hands or stealing a kiss when they thought nobody was looking.

But that before the storm.

”Things have changed,” she said eventually, earnestly. That fact couldn’t be denied, ”but some things have not.” She still loved him unconditionally -- and couldn’t imagine that changing any time soon.

He had requested the truth from her, and offered it in return.

Tell him. Tell him. Tell him.

It was the decent thing to do, after all. She should sit him down; explain exactly what had happened in the jungle that important day when all things changed -- no, the story began before that. It started when Quinneth had patted her stomach that night before, leaving Ayatah confused… until she finally realised what the tiny gesture had meant.

I was pregnant, Raz. I didn’t realise until the night before the storm, and that was a night when you didn’t sleep here, so I didn’t have a chance to tell you before I had to go on patrol the next day. And that was when the storm hit, and I lost our baby. And ever since, I have in engulfed in mourning over something we didn’t plan, or particularly want. But what if it wasn’t the storm? What I’m unable to give you any children because of my Eypharian blood?

It would be so simple to say those words. That’s all they were, after all: words. Sure, they carried a huge amount of meaning - and pain and suffering as well - but all the same, they were just words.

But she didn’t say them. Instead Ayatah breathed deeply and said something else.

”I have been thinking, Raz. It is not… healthy for us to remain like this. And I cannot speak for yourself but after everything that has happened…” She paused, licked her lips and continued, praying he would not hate her for what she about to suggest. ”Taloba doesn’t feel like home anymore. This feels like a completely different place, somewhere alien to me. I… think I need leave. I think I want to go elsewhere, for a while.”

There. She had said something - albeit not everything. But it was a start, it was something.

|| Ayatah's speech || Ayatah's thoughts || Others' speech ||

[Razkar]

Perhaps if his mind had been less... disconnected, from his soul, Razkar would have seen the lurking pain beneath those chocolate eyes. Perhaps he would have known that her words, while heartfelt and true, masked another pain that she was too fearful to even give voice. But he did not. He gripped her hands tightly, almost like she was his anchor to reality, and focused all of his being on what she said, not what she couldn't say.

It would not be for some time before the final truth was reveled to him... and then it would come in a similar place but with so much changed, and would be greeted with a vengeance that would consume him utterly.

”I have been thinking, Raz. It is not… healthy for us to remain like this. And I cannot speak for yourself but after everything that has happened…”

Razkar felt... nothing. That was how he realized how much it hurt. His heart simply sht down, refused to beat for several long breaths, all his fears brought to life in a handful of lines. But he did not let go of her. Gods-damnit, he had wanted all shadows expunged, all lies and prevarications thrown aside, didn't he?! Well, now he was getting them.

He ground his teeth in his futility, and if she heard him, she gave no sign.

”Taloba doesn’t feel like home anymore. This feels like a completely different place, somewhere alien to me. I… think I need leave. I think I want to go elsewhere, for a while.”

He heard the words as if distantly and through fog. Taloba not feeling like home? What Myrian could ever think that way?

You could. You wish to leave, too.

Razkar finally started breathing normally again, though his face was still scrunched in disbelief. For a brief, frightening moment Ayatah saw anger flash over his features, that killing rage he had seen him employ in battle with beserker fury. It didn't last. It couldn't, not around her. But his breathing was coming heavier now, and his eye closed, trying to... understand...

"You..." He said slowly, forcing himself to piece this together. If not here, then where? Well, considering the subject... "You wish to go... to the barbarian lands?" His eyes snapped open and a hint of desperation was in them when he shook his head with the tiniest of movements. "But... But where does that leave us, Aya? Would you expect me to come with you?"

He saw a glint of pain on her face and realized a moment too lat what his words implied. He had asked in a fashion that implied - no, more than that, flat-out stated - that he did not want to come with her. That the barbarians lands were nations of sin and beyond the light of Myri and... and...

A long silence enveloped them both. A rush of wind whispered around them and the humid breeze it spirited along caressed them both. Buds were everywhere, both a joy of spring rebirth and a further testament to the indiscriminate fertility of the reborn Jungle after the Djed Storm.

He did not want her to go. But she could not stay. He did not wish to, either. But leaving Falyndar entirely? Razkar could not fathom this... because he was a warrior, not a scholar. In his battle-hungry heart, he knew he would only ever leave the Jungle for one reason, and his studious, bookish, beloved Ayatah... she would not leave to make war.

But he did not know. He knew so little.

He lowered his head and his breath came out in a sigh too old for one of his years. He spoke again without meeting her gaze, sounding defeated in a way she had never expected from him.

"Aya... if... if you wish to go... I will not stop you." The briefest of noises that could have been a snort of mirth. "I know I could not regardless, nor would I know how. But... But I have not your mind, nor your inquiring, expansive spirit."

Now he looked up, and it was the warrior of the army of Taloba that stared back at her.

"You know what I am, and that is what I excel at. I can imagine no life outside of it, and crossing the eastern sea to... learn about these barbarians..." He shook his head slowly, sadly, and seemed to force the last words out of his mouth. "I cannot come with you."

There. It was said. The wind stilled, as if giving the words their proper weight. All cards on the table, dice thrown and secrets exposed.

He wondered if he would forgive himself for it.

[Ayatah]

She watched his face desperately, searching, frantically searching, for some kind of response from the man she loved.

There was anger, initially. And that terrified Ayatah. But not because she thought he would harm her - the Gods only knew she would never suspect him of that crime. No, her fear came from the mere fact that she had aroused such rage from within him. How could she have let herself be the one to cause such… Fury from the man she loved?

But it did not last long, and passed as quickly as it had appeared. "But... But where does that leave us, Aya? Would you expect me to come with you?"

She didn’t know the answer to the first question, though the second was more obvious. Yes, I would love for you to come with me. It is Taloba I am escaping from, not you. But she knew all too well that he would not, or could not, leave their home. Too much had happened, and Myri needed warriors like Razkar to claim back the jungle as their own. But Ayatah served less purpose. She was a skilled fighter, sure. But it was not incorporated into her person as much as a pureblooded Myrian. Her calling was somewhere between being a solider and being a scholar.

But where does that leave us, Aya?

It leaves us miles apart, my love. It leaves us alone, ultimately, and most likely pining for each other. Or perhaps you will hate me, and not think twice about me once I leave - except to badmouth me to your new lover. I wouldn’t blame you.

Myri, I could never blame you.

"You know what I am, and that is what I excel at. I can imagine no life outside of it, and crossing the eastern sea to... learn about these barbarians... I cannot come with you."

At least he had the bravery to be truly honest; Ayatah greatly admired that about him. But was she leaving specifically to learn about the others that existed outside the jungle? She could not say. Since she was a little girl, her father’s people - those multi-armed golden-skinned people who lived in the desert - had intrigued her. But would she leave the Myrians to visit the Eypharians? Would they accept her any more willingly than the Myrians had? Probably not.

She realised it had been a while since either of them had spoken. ”I understand, my love. I am not entirely sure what I plan to do, in all honesty.” Yes, this was good; she was speaking her mind now, almost not fearing the consequences. Almost. Being so honest felt a little alien, but it was a good thing. ”If there was ever a reason to keep me here, it would be you. But I think this is something that I need to do… For Myri, as much as myself. If I am to return to the jungle as one of her daughters once again, I must leave to come back.” She recognised Quinneth’s voice in her own words as she spoke, and that alone gave her a little more confidence

Was this what heartbreak felt like? Slow and steady, but no less painful? They were at an impasse now; she was leaving, he was not. What did it mean for their relationship, and the love they shared?

”I love you, and will continue to do so after I step outside the jungle.” Somehow she knew that to be true, though couldn’t explain how. They were few words, but with great meaning: I will have eyes for no other man whilst I am out of the jungle, and when I return I will want only you.

I am asking you to be patient for me, Raz. To wait for me. But I don’t know if I can outright ask that of you.

A horrible image appeared in her mind at that point: it was of herself, returning home after exploring the world outside (whether it had been a week or a year did not appear to matter). Her family and friends welcomed her and Ayatah was sharing the things she had seen and learnt with them. But someone was missing, and when she enquired as to where Razkar was, her mother coughed uncomfortably and claimed that he was with his new Myrian lover and their many, many, Myrian children.

The scene almost made Ayatah gag, but she managed to control herself well enough. Instead she merely sighed and ran a hand through her long raven hair. If his happiness does not involve me, then I will have to survive it.

|| Ayatah's speech || Ayatah's thoughts || Others' speech ||

[Razkar]

”I understand, my love. I am not entirely sure what I plan to do, in all honesty.”

He could almost feel her confidence grow with every passing word. The fear between them seemed to be dwindling, fading and shriveling under the light of their truth. Razkar was silently awed, but equally disgusted with himself.

All these weeks... without love, or affection, without her in my arms or her smiles gracing my eyes... and it could all have been solved by this.

”If there was ever a reason to keep me here, it would be you. But I think this is something that I need to do… For Myri, as much as myself. If I am to return to the jungle as one of her daughters once again, I must leave to come back.”

Razkar felt that weakness in him again... but it was not weakness. Something flushed through him like a damn bursting, and affirmation. And despite that, he couldn't help but laugh, looking down and idly playing with her long, smooth fingers.

"You sound like your grandmother, my love." He looked up and found pain in her eyes. It hurt her so much to say these words, and like any man that truly loved his One and True, that pain was his as well. He reached up and stroked her cheek, perhaps the most intimate gesture they had made to each other in a season. "Go on..."

”I love you, and will continue to do so after I step outside the jungle.”

There was so much more he wanted her to say, to promise, but he knew (even though he was just a dumb male) that even asking her would show just how little he trusted her. And he did; he truly did, and that faith was as precious to him as her love for him.

Another sigh, but this one seemed lighter, like something escaping. His eyes softened more than many in later years would have believed possible, after seeing him howling and shrieking and rending apart anything that got in his way during the storm of battle and slaughter. Now they seemed to melt, dark but in a way that the night sky was dark.

Brimming with promise.

He kissed her, just once, inhaling as he did. Then he held her close, feeling her warmth pressed against him. His nose was nestled in that shiny, frizzy, messy beautiful hair, and Razkar's words came out as a whispered vow.

"Until the last tree falls in the jungle... until the last tiger takes its final breath... until the Goddess-Queen herself fades from the memory of her children... I will love you, Ayatah."

He closed his eyes and kept hold of her. Leaving to come back... he did not fully understand that, though it sounded like her kind of profound cleverness. But Razkar did understand that he wanted her to be happy, more than he did himself. And if letting go of her was what it took, even if it meant she returned with...

Even if she does not return, he thought with a sudden dread that almost made him choke, even if she never sees the sacred city again and the light of Myri... even then...

"I have to let you go... don't I?"

OOCTie it up for me, love. That was... *sigh*

[Ayatah]

Ayatah gave a slow sigh, one that seemed to release all her fears and stress from the past season. Together they had reached breaking point, but had not shattered into fragments of themselves. Instead something close to a plan was standing before them, and behind that stood the future of their relationship.

”Until the last tree falls in the jungle... until the last tiger takes its final breath... until the Goddess-Queen herself fades from the memory of her children... I will love you, Ayatah."

His words stirred a smile on her lips. A small, secret smile just for him, and the declaration he had made. ”Until the desert becomes the sea and until the Gods themselves expire like mortals -- I am yours.” Never before had she spoken words more true to her feelings.

It was done. A solution had been made and a vow promised.

They stood together for a while, joined as one in each other’s arms. Ayatah’s head rested upon his chest, listening to that oh-so familiar heartbeat and inhaling that familiar smell. Gods, how she wanted to never forget the way he felt, or smelt or -- anything. This is my favourite memory, be it when I am ancient and looking back on my youth, or alone in some strange city. This is what I will remember.

”I have to let you go… don’t I?”

Now it was her time to chuckle. ”Yes,” she said, quite confident now that her plan was the best way forward, ”but I will return. That I promise you.” Yes, her leaving was a temporary thing; something she needed to do, but she did not plan on never returning. There was far too much for her to simply turn away from.

Ayatah stepped away from him, but her hands remained in his. She felt enlightened, refreshed. She had stepped out of the darkness and was heading towards the light of a promising future. ”I don’t plan on leaving straight away; so we should make the most of each other in the mean time.”

And they would. Now both of them knew what lay ahead, whatever remaining time they had together would be precious to them both. Walls had been knocked down, issues dragged out into the bright light of day. And although Ayatah still carried a momentous secret, everything seemed… lighter.

Several feet away, Quinneth wiped her hand clean of blood and guts. Her dark beady eyes were on the young couple at the edge of her clan’s compound. She watched them for a chime or two, before finally nodding and smiling.

”What did you see in the blood, Quinneth?”

“I see tonight’s supper. And progress.”

oocA pleasure as always!

|| Ayatah's speech || Ayatah's thoughts || Others' speech ||

[Logos]

Skill and Lore Rewards Razkar Skills Lores Fishing - 1 Self-Loathing: A Cruel Poison Rhetoric - 5 The Shame of Unforgivable Actions Leadership - 2 A Broken Love, Partially Healed Intimidation - 1 Secrets Hurt Those You Love The Most Gladius - 3 A Vow of Partnership Teaching - 2 Dual Wield (Gladius) - 2 Philosophy - 3 Storytelling - 1 Ayatah Skills Lores Rhetoric - 5 Successful Birthing Odds: Myrian - Ephyrian Observation - 5 How To: Create A Wooden Splint Reading - 1 A Broken Love, Partially Healed Medicine - 5 Secrets Hurt Those You Love The Most Philosophy - 3 A Vow of Partnership Storytelling - 1 Additional Notes : A beautiful thread, credit where credit is due! I look forwards to seeing what happens between you both in the future. Ayatah, I can't see Seasonal Expenses on your CS so you can add this grade when they have been added. Any questions or queries, please PM me.