Mao's Doodle Haus [ Psychobabble ]

[Mao]

Decided to share my drawing that I did for Nao baby. Omg Tieflings are so cute, ok.

[Mao]

So maybe I'm just going to start rambling a bit. I need to get shit off my chest and into written words. There's just that underlying sense of pressure I get from all the crap that has gone in my life. This isn't supposed to be some pity party for me, because I don't want anyone's pity at all. I've come to accept what happened and how it has affected who I am and how I see things in life. I guess first I'd say yeah, cliche shitty past life all that jazz. Hex is someone I've really wanted to talk to, and if you read this Hex, omg omg, halp me! Due to certain events, I've been left with a sense of distrust against males. I've been abused, verbally and physically (though the latter wasn't particularly by a man), and it had left me, when I was a child, completely scared, angry and alone. No one ever believed a kid. No, children are stupid, they lie, they don't know what the fuck they're talking about, and adults, well they fucking don't listen. Ever. I was completely sick of it. There came a point in my life when things just got out of hand. Only when I turned 16 did I manage to free myself from the tyrant rule of a paranoid and schizophrenic grandmother. But it hurt. A lot. My cat, Ash, well, I did some bad things to him in my early years. It really really crushes me to say such things. But I realize now I was a horrible person. I was on my way to becoming a psychopath I think, really. And then that little gray furball changed my fucking life. When I got hounded by insensitive and cruel people in middle school, I looked to Ash. The animal connected to my soul. And now I lost him. There's a void there that can't be filled. What's more, I grew up without a father to look up to, and men that came to my house to date my mother only to treat me like shit. Seriously? Let's just kick around a child that has no paternal figure in her life and fuck her up even more, hurray! I do have to say, yes I grew up with a single mother. But she was a mother that was raised by the dictator grandmother that used to beat me. My mother is my source of inspiration. The woman who overcame anger and hate and pain, and raised me without ever hurting me physically. It pains me that it took so long to realize that she loves me with all her heart and soul; she gave me everything and anything I wanted, and even put her own house on the line to put me through college. She is the one person I really want to be. Independent, strong willed, bold, beautiful. I don't think it really will ever happen. I intimidate people in real life. I shun boys who try to make relationships with me. I just don't see myself ever getting married, having kids, just... loving anyone. I'll be that 40 year old virgin living with two dogs and two cats for company, because that's all I can ever really relate to. I just get that sinking pit in my stomach, and I feel ill when I think about being with someone for too long. Is that weird of me? Am I fucked up in the head? I'm conflicted inside really: to want to love, and to not want love. I'm afraid of rejection and touching, and everything in between. I just can't be the type of person to be well... committed. I dunno, this is all just rambling, and if you read it, kudos to you cause I'm just a crazy bitch that likes to cuss a lot. Phew. xD

[Hex]

Mao, You must understand that while it is important to get good social support and advice from other people, there is only so much others can help you with. You must do the work to remedy this issue in your life, and thats all it is - just an issue. Its a hurdle in life. IN FACT, getting over this issue and challenging yourself will only make you stronger. Your heart, your brain, your body, your emotions, everything will be on the line and challenged - if you do indeed choose to help yourself. Your first step from this point forward should be to seek some kind of counselling/psychologist so that someone who dedicates their life to understanding these things can truly give you external support you need. They will be able to help you identify exactly what you're dealing with, and give you the right techniques needed for you to recover. Getting past these issues is not easy by any means, that is why its so important to do your best on your end (by being honest, patient and loving with yourself) while at the same time seeking external support and relationship building seminars/books/workshops, as well as talking to friends. The resources are out there, and it takes a combination of things to get past the real obstacles in life, but you CAN do it if you apply the knowledge to your actions, I promise you. it is only up to you to really put your passion and heart and soul into healing yourself, only then will you blossom, be free of your relationship issues and reach self actualization. Having that said, here is the technical side just to give you an idea of what you as a human being are capable of doing to heal yourself: Think of your brain as a woven basket, and each 'habit' you have (so an example of one of your habits is to be afraid of touching) is like a piece of straw that adds to the entirety of your basket brain. With each new experience and even thought, we are constantly making changes for the better (or worse), and are replacing those strands of straw with new ones (again, either good behaviours/thoughts, or bad reactions/behaviours/thoughts). Here's the key, every time we think a thought, we are weaving a new strand and/or replacing old with new. The more you repeat that exact thought/actions/behaviour, the stronger you are making that strand of straw. The plain and simple mechanics of it are - you can change your mind about how you feel, how you view the world and other people in relation to yourself, etc., BUT only if you repeatedly replace negative straw strands with positive ones (new good emotional habit). Once you have strengthened that habit/strand, you will react in whatever way you trained yourself to be, so choose your thoughts/behaviours/reactions wisely! Remember that. If you are not strengthened on the core, you can't ever fool yourself or other people, that will make you miserable. You will be able to take the techniques you learn from counselling, and apply the woven basket idea to help you stay on track with changing your emotional reactions to touching, trust, commitment, all of that.

[Tyuru]

I'm not really sure if this post is wanted, but whatthehey.

I just wanted to say, Mao, I find it amazing that you can be so strong. I mean, you were actually able to admit to people you don't know that you DO have problems and that you aren't perfect. I'm so screwed up, I can't do that. I'm unable to admit to or acknowledge my faults. Because you can, I really respect you, and for some reason I felt like being all touchy-feely and sharing my feelings (awwww!). You're seriously not as messed up as you think. If it makes you feel any better, everybody has their demons, right? Everybody has their own little bit of crazy. So you aren't alone in being a teensy bit insane.

Yeah, anyway, I think you're awesome because of what I said above, yadda yadda, sentimental stuff that I'm not very good at, but I promise I mean it, etc. (Sorry, I suck at expressing my feelings! But I really do think you rock. And I don't even know you well. Day-um. )

Wow what a random post lol. You can ignore it if you like. :/

P.S. WISE HEX IS WIIIIIIISE.

Here's a happy face for you!


*HAPPYFACE*

[Gossamer]

I think you guys don't give yourself enough credit. We routinely admit we have problems on here. I like to play crazy because it makes me feel more sane in the real world. But the truth is, I think some of the most grounded sane people I know are survivors of experiences like Paos. You are strong, alert, don't go through life blind... and really care in an incredibly passionate way. The world isn't meant for us to blend smoothly with. What would be the fun of that? I'd rather ride the rapids of life kicking and screaming the whole way down than stand along the shore and watch others get swept away. I see every day how much you live your life, Pao. You really live it. You embody passion from the way you describe your insane RD teacher to the squeal of delight you got out of me the first time you described kissing you-know-who. Its a joy to see you daily.. .to say hello... even if I do end up falling asleep on you 9 times out of 10.

I'm glad you survived. I'm glad you grow. And, truth be told I'm glad you struggle sometimes too. I don't think life would have much meaning for you if there wasn't a fight out there behind every door. You'd pine away in boredom and all anyone would find of you later would be this wasted little husk devoid of opportunity or insight.

I hope you pass your strength and resolve along to others. So many could learn from your example.

[Malia]

There's not really much to add to what the others have said, except that I support Hex's basket technique which has worked for me too. I've just experienced something amazing that made me totally happy and very much surprised me, although I kind of did/thought the things leading to it myself.

I feel like I'm the complete opposite of what you describe. At times I desperately long for a relationship. Yet nothing has developed and I don't really know why. Anyway, all I want to say is that I try living that desire IC with my characters so I can get rid of the pressure IRL. Probably not the best way to put feelings in a character, but the message is: I've noticed that your PC, Mao, has bonded with Sorian/Navis (right?), and to me this is a very valid proof that you are still able to love and care for others. You probably already know this, but it's still something to be happy about, I think. If you can and want to do it, you will do it. Someone once said to me:

"If you can imagine it you can create it – if you can dream it you can become it."

You just have to believe that you can accomplish whatever you want to, and work hard to experience good days, and try to make bad days better.

I hope this has helped a bit.

[Mao]

Thanks a lot guys, I really appreciate it that you guys took the time to read my cuss fest up there. Coming to this site has really taken a load off my shoulders because I can just, as you say, Malia, escape reality.

Mao is the embodiment of my angry, hurt, and completely fucking retarded childhood. She's all the demons packed into one that I decided to put into a character. And after talking with Hex, I think I've come to terms to will myself to get better. And it's gonna happen. Jen I told you about italian stallion, and well, I'm starting to think better of it.

*HUGS* Thanks a lot again, I feel a whole lot better!

[Hania]

PK! Here, Orbital. Actually the song is longer but it got cut off.



And silly ocean pictures 'cause I can't resist.

[Tayhura]

COMMENT ON PICS ON FIRST PAGE:
I like that pic of that one fellow riding that other one fellow...apparently it says its your character in wow? But my favorite has to be the girl with question mark next to her head.

[Kelpie]

Sometimes I like to sit back and think about life in general. What are we doing here? Why do we live like we do? Life can get a little hectic, or a lot hectic, it depends on the events that transpire in our life and how we handle them. I play video games a lot, I don't drink I don't smoke, and I don't party. I'm a gamer girl that enjoys spending quality time with friends rather than get smashed and do stupid shit we can't recall in the morning. I remember going out to the beach one day during break, and just spending the majority of my entire day there. We tossed a shitton of blankets, sleeping bags, sweaters, the whole lot onto the cold sand and we slept there for a good 8 hours or so, waiting for the rest of our friends to arrive. It was great. Yeah it was incredibly cold, but simple things like just spending a peaceful day with just the sound of the crashing waves is really comforting. It makes you think about where you are there and then, on a beautiful world that's marred by centuries of bloodshed and horror, but that there's still hope after all. Shh, quiet. Can you hear it? Silence is the key to listen to the world around you. Take in the sights, the sounds, and really think about where you are. I'm a firm believer in reincarnation, and I've dreamt of places in the past that seemed like myself in another body, another form, in another time. A child in a carriage that fell and got crushed by a wagon (morbid I know), a girl walking to school, a flash of black hair, a cheerful smile, I've seen these things in my mind, and whether they actually occurred, I'm not sure, but I'm hopeful. Hopeful that when we die, we don't just cease to exist, that we return to the earth in another body and continue a cycle that repeats itself. This is what keeps me going, because what's the point of living in our beautiful planet earth when all you will get to see in a lifetime for most individuals is a fraction of a fraction of the world? You need to experience it all, in every possible point of view, before ascending to paradise. I've been told my aura is violet. What does this mean? I've no idea what it might mean, but my family psychic was always drawn to me inexplicably. He told me I had the power to change people's minds and ways, and I never really understood what he meant (personally I found him freaky). But certain events in my life I have to admit can be lumped into the supernatural. Has this happened to anyone else out there? I've dreamt of myself being stabbed in my dreams, and actually waking up to a burning sensation in my side. I've even woken up after getting hit by a car in a dream, and having my stomach ache horrible and having a dent in my skin. Are these projections of the imagination? It sometimes scares me. Deja vu happens frequently, dreams of family members dying happen often to my mom, my grandmother and myself. I just would like to know if this is something other people experience too, or maybe I'm just a freak.