[Wrenmae's Scrap] Reanimated Affections

[Wrenmae]

A Little Wisdom from Vayt I found your scar Hidden in the knotted muscle of my arm And remembered When I was a little boy, I cared for all things. I remember, very vividly, crying at my eighth birthday party because someone I had invited stomped on a Daddy long-legs just because he could. It was my birthday and the most emotionally touching part of the day was little me staring down at the twitching legs of the dead bug before that little asshole of a kid stomped on it again and scraped. I care about things. This has always been true of me. I pull my car off the side of the road when I pass a turtle crossing the street, if only to dodge out there and get the fellow to the other side. I feel awful, still awful, whenever I run over a squirrel or chipmunk that always dare the crossing only when it’s too late for me to stop. In my earlier story, you saw how I struggled to put an animal out of its own misery. My mother told me, “Collin, you’re just more sensitive than most kids.” My dad always said “Man up and deal with it.” Conflicting advice on polar sides of the fence and I grew up a little crooked. I can’t help but feel when it comes to people. I wear my heart on my palm, and lose it in a handshake. I want to empathize and be friendly with everyone, even as impossible as that ideal is. I don’t like being trouble and I cringe when people get the wrong impression of me. My mom says I was sensitive, my Dad says I was weak…so now I’m sensitive and believe myself to be weak, that’s how the two concepts married. Most of the time, I’d like to not care as much…juggernaut through life to get to some elusive end goal with blinders on. Certainly my emotional fragility ends up being more problematic than helpful…although I’ll always hear both sides to a story, I always struggle to break up with someone or tell them something mean (but most often true), simply because I cannot stomach the idea of hurting someone. It’s a weakness, no matter which way you cut it…because life is a collection of triumphs, failures, pain, and pleasure. We cannot know the upper limits of joy without the perception of sorrow. We cannot know how the starving feels unless we’ve starved ourselves. If anything, life teaches us that gathering scars is a means of proving your right to be here, and your right to perspective. The strong will triumph, and the weak will bend beneath pressure. To a certain extent, if I put the emphasis in my life on the lives of others, I wouldn’t end up with anything more than that vague feeling of righteous satisfaction for being helpful…and while I’m not knocking the qualities of being a good person or a good friend, I do want to submit that it is possible to miss the entire point of life itself if only lived for others. We have dreams, goals, wild ambitions that ask…no…demand to be the center-stage attraction of our lives. For whatever reason, I put a lot of that off for others…I stayed in Indiana for my friends and family, stayed in a relationship because I was one of her only friends. I make decisions that, in the end, don’t further any agenda at all…but detriment my own. Today I looked at graduate schools outside Indiana. Today I looked at apartment rates and job openings on both the East and West coast. If I stay here much longer, I’ll remain here…and I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing, only that I don’t want it to be a decision that is made by time, rather than choice. I can’t save every bug from being stepped on, or argue the case for the lives of wayward spiders that show up in my sister’s room. If I can intervene, I will, but I can’t mourn over the tiny defeats any longer…they hold me back. I just wanted to write something from what I was feeling right now, especially before I step into something I really don’t want to do…but have to. As always, thanks for reading and listening in -Collin

[Edreina]

Please don't stop being who you are. Ever. The world is a cold and cruel place an knowing that there are people like you who know what it is to be kind to others and helpful just because it's right... It is a comfort. Your disposition is not a weak one by far. In my opinion, it takes so much more strength to see past a spider's fangs and refrain from the urge to end their seemingly insignificant life. It takes so much more foresight to realize that by helping others, you're no being spineless, you're doing the right thing. I've spent my entire life being walked all over because I am always wanting to help anyone, even if it ends up with me being their doormat. And to be honest, I couldn't be happier. I'm a strong believer in Karma as silly as that may seem. If you put good into this world, you may get good out. That spider you save may keep flies from bothering you later on.

You're a wonderful person and a phenomenal writer.

Keep saving those spiders! (But not the scorpions because those are evil little buggers... O.O)

[Crypt]

I totally agree with Edreina.

You're a good guy, and there ain't many of them out there. I can't really do the same - or rather, for other people. Animals, insects and the like are alright for me. Meh. Empathy doesn't agree with me. There are moments though where I love the entire world. Seriously. And it's a wonderful place.

True, that trait of yours can be perceived as a weakness. But if you do good, who's blaming you? You're sacrificing something for someone else without really expecting much in return, and that's one of the greatest things someone can do. Altruism - I haven't quite figured out if it's morally good or not, but you're on the right track. Do stay there. It'd be a pity to have one less person like you in the world.

I do have one thing to say though - I believe that sometimes you have the right to be a little selfish.

All the best.

[Wrenmae]

Ever had one of those days?

Where it feels like your spirit got restless, and took off for an ethereal jaunt?


That's about where I am.


Stupid spirit-me left body-me with all the stress >: l


To my writing partners...I apologize for how slow I've been. My goal is to get in, buckle down, and try my best to get some more posts out tomorrow and this weekend. There's a lot to do and I really need to shrink my own head down.

Too much chaos.


I suppose to explain, I'm someone who enjoys order. I like to define things, know the weight and measure. With those, I can accurately determine my approaches and actions to any given situation. That curiosity calls me to seek out knowledge on as many things as I can, talk to as many people as I'm able, all in the pursuit of just understanding the world that tiny bit better. I can be a bit of a mess in chaos, scampering from place to place trying to get a feel for the place I'm at.

Perhaps I have not learned to simply 'live' or perhaps I am not able, but disorder totally saps my ability to react, and I feel like I woke up in the middle of a maelstrom that I didn't remember rolling into last night.

Bear with me while I set things straight, take a breath, and maybe try to relax a little.


As always, thanks for writing with me.

*Heads off to slay the stress-dragon*

[Timshel]

Yo, this is just me perusing the scrap section like a guy floating through the backroom of a Mizahar art-gallery.

Just walking along, and then I saw this:

I wear my heart on my palm, and lose it in a handshake.

It this a thing? Did you just make that up? Poetry, man.

Anyway, sorry you're stressed at the moment. Can't say I either enjoy or dislike order, really. I'm a pretty laid-back kinda guy. But I know that if I start my day by leaving my room in a mess, my breakfast plate on the coffee table, and other dishes "soaking" in the sink; it snowballs into the rest of my time. I become just a little more lazy, a little more apathetic. If I do that for days on end, I'll be okay mentally, but somewhere beneath my rib cage, stress'll wriggle and grow. Eventually, I'll end up in slump, a sort of self-destructive cycle where I'll distract my duties via internet, tv, or whatever, until someone or something knocks me out of it.

But if I set my alarm clock a few minutes early, make my bed, and brew a cup of coffee before starting the day; somehow that foundation spills over into everything else. I'm more likely to work out that day. And I usually feel better.

...

That turned into a bit of a rant, but hope you feel better. I could write an entire poem around that one line.

[Wrenmae]

Heh. Thanks Timshel.


Yeah, I came up with that line in a spoken word piece that I haven't completely polished yet. I'm glad you enjoy it.


I might take your advice and get a few things around the house done. It might not feel like a lot, but you may have a point about things spilling over into waking life if I take that extra step or two to keep up on things.


Thanks again for stopping by and commenting.

[Timshel]

No thanks needed, Wren.

Oh yeah, it's part of a bigger thing? That's cool. I thought you'd just whipped it out like 'la di da'. I like how it's a twist of a cliche, and the subtle alliteration it has.

As for the "advice", that's just what works for me. Something as simple as making my bed and putting my shoes on first thing, instead of hitting snooze, really makes a big difference. It's also harder than it should be!

[Oluse]

When you piece it out, mate, please share your method.

I had several moment yesterday where I just kind... lost it. Not violent or insensitive. Instead I just stared at the air before me and stopped moving forward.

I am always moving, always pacing, walking, drawing. Something.

But, I just stopped and had no incentive to move. It wasn't a special moment. I didn't come to a realization, and I wasn't finished with the action I was performing.

How to recall that spirit? I've no clue.

But, stress? I suggest a sanctuary, a safe place to retreat to at the end of the day. Hide in the bathtub with warm water, or make your bedroom a temple. Whatever it is focus your intent on making it yours, a place that you can own. Catering to your ego, knowing you have command over territory can be very grounding.

And then, when you step in and you feel safe, as if the whole world melts away. Leave. Go out into the world and face it with a smile. A literal, actual smile, because it really will help you process stress.

Just a thought about stress. But reigniting that spark? All I can say is snuggle close to those that keep you warm and pleased. In their presence you have the best chance of finding what you seek.

Also, if you haven't already, you should speak with Alea. She has recently committed quite a brave act, perhaps you could gain something from a word with her.

[Wrenmae]

Thoughts and Rambles Monday's weather: Cold and windy. The skies are grey in the passage of a storm. I empathize with this weather. The clouds want to be somewhere else. So do I. Sometimes I struggle with what to write here. So many folks take their scrapbooks in different directions. Really, it's the open air bizarre of thoughts, opinions, funny internet videos, and gifs of shows I mostly only hear about. We open up our heads like tuppeware containers and air out our thoughts for the world...but I wonder if anyone struggles with figuring out what's worth putting to paper. Lately I've been grappling with a kind of indecision. Like most of its misbegotten kind, it keeps me up nights and plagues my waking day with doubts and interior debates where I'm not sure anyone is really trying to win. It's given me some time to reflect on the nature of decision making and the stress that goes in to a subject that has no finite timeline. I'm about to turn twenty four. Now, for some of you that's waaaaay down the road and for others, that's in your rearview mirror. As an age goes, 24 is fairly banal. I don't think there are any new responsibilities or perks with the numbers, just a reminder that I'm a year out from my mid-twenties...which is mind-numbingly terrifying in effect. I think most people just want to be happy in life...but we all have this curious mercurial definition of what that happiness would consist of. Some of us struggle with professional success and others grapple with the subtleties of a relationship...many of us do both, stabbing at the many-headed hydra of life hoping that when we finish hacking, the body cavity of our monster will be filled with peace and smooth sailing. I'm on one of those weird cliff formations where everywhere I stand is a precipice. I'm constantly tightroping between huge decisions and can't quite get a bead on which way I want to fall. In love, in job, in location, in friends, I have more questions now than I remember having ten years ago. Maybe that's the nature of it all, and I'm overcomplicating it. Certainly life's forward progress suggests that no matter what I do, I'm making a decision...even indecision is its own form of static decision. When I was a bit younger, I remember hearing this quote that's always stuck with me. "Cowards die a thousand deaths, but a brave man dies only once." Or something to that effect...the point is the message that remained. I can visualize, pretty clearly, how everything can go bellyup. I keep the film reels running in the IMAX theater of my mind on near constant repeat. I send myself through the rigors of loss and rage without actually having a reason to...and in the end I've only run a realistic simulation for something that 'might' happen...and am no smarter or more experienced for running through it...just more nervous. I want the ability to shut it all off, to just flick a brain switch and run silent. Evaluate decisions without my habitual obsession in worst-case-scenario'ing and make a choice without doubling back to check if I made the right one. Indecision is a poison no matter how you slice it. By its very nature it perverts and envenoms what should really be a simple test of the interior logic machine. I find, most often, that what I was told about multiple choice tests holds true to life decisions both momentous and somewhat insignificant. Trust your first choice, your instinct. We have a super fast processor living in our skull-case and although some time to reflect on truly shattering decisions should be lauded, I find that even when I reflect...I always land about the same place I was when the decision was first put to steel. On a slight jaunt outside my initial tangent, does anyone feel psychic? It's so weird, but within the past few years I've had an eerie sense of psychic empathy towards those I either am or want to be close to. Maybe it's my subconscious recognizing patterns and voicing them in conscious thought, but I always seem to have an innate understanding of when someone isn't feeling themselves or is emotionally compromised with little more than a word or two of text...sometimes without even that. It's eerie. I dunno what it is. When I was in highschool, a friend of mine at school made me a protection charm. She made it because she felt like I was in some sort of spiritual peril...or something...but mostly because she knew how open I was to the greater world of alternative religions. But I was not allowed entry into my home until I had cast it away. Growing up Catholic was an exercise (at least in my family) in debate. I was told a lot of things I didn't agree with and felt that some of the beliefs were too hard on those who had cause to believe something different. I never much explored other religions in practice, sorta drifting into agnosticism and finally praying to the universe in candid night conversations. I've always been fascinated with the supernatural, that which cannot be seen or felt most often...but what exists beyond the veil. Oddly enough, I've been surrounded by those who have claimed to have spiritual sensitivity from a young age onward. I've always envied the HELL out of them. For some reason...I've got none of it. I can't sense, I can't make myself belief, so I sit in this perpetual doubt and question even the experiences that have happened to me. It's not that I don't believe in it, it's more that I have such trouble putting my faith in things without proof. I conditioned myself to be that way growing up in an onslaught of Catholic ideals that I didn't wholly fall into line with (Although, personally, I don't really hate the Catholic faith...just don't jive with it). It all kinda funnels into where I am now. I have...such profound trouble putting my faith in anything. Sometimes it feels like I've just lost the ability to. And when I think about that, surrounded by cubicle walls...I feel like I've built myself a little prison in my heart and mind. And I've forgotten, a long time ago, where I put the key.

[Alea Davenport]

A response to your post, one point at a time:

Oh hey, looks like you're only about a half a year behind me, in age and in drastic life-changing choices

Growing up involves figuring out that there are more questions than answers

The trick isn't turning off your brain simulations. It's letting them play in the background while you're like, okay, that's what I'm afraid of, but that doesn't change what I'm going to do. Embrace the fear, and then jump of the metaphorical precipice anyway. Because as far as your legs know, all they're doing is walking forward

A note on decision making: if, after a reasonable period of thought, a clear choice is not made obvious, then it can reasonably be assumed that your life will be just find no matter WHICH one you choose, so there's no reason not to decide at random. If you can remember what your first instinct was, go ahead and go for it (though you lose little by just doing some cursory sanity-checks to make sure there are no glaring flaws in your intuition )

Duh. Psychicness is not all that new or shocking. It can be a useful tool (though not necessarily a 100% reliable one, so supplement with good sense). Just accept it for what it is and carry on with your life

With the sensing supernatural bit... I don't have any such senses myself either, but word from people who would know is that it's not all it's cracked up to be. There are pros and cons to everything and the spirit world is not exactly safe

Sounds to me like you're suffering from an existential crisis. Fun! And hey, if you can't find the key you can always break down the door There are multiple solutions to any problem, and I'd be thrilled to discuss yours, if you are so inclined.