[Laszlo's Scrapbook] If you only knew.

[Caelum]

[Laszlo]

UGH! I've been SO bad about posting lately! I'm sorry. I'll get around to a regular rhythm again as soon as I can! Just... urgh.

Something's been draining me. I'd get into it but it's just... lameness. I'll be caught up before my vacationy thing on the 9th. Hopefully long before that.

Thanks for being patient. ._.

[Laszlo]

To-do Let Me Be Deceive Me Bloody Prayer New Night Fading Embers Second Chance Worldly Ball is Rolling Sheeps Gotta Stick Together! Paradigm New thread with Boris vs. Shade New thread with Seven Want to do: Thread with Shai Thread with Naama Something else I'm forgetting...

[Laszlo]

"Whole 'Nother" This used to be a pet peeve of mine, to hear people say that. But ever since Katy Perry used it in a song, I don't mind it nearly as much. Katy Perry can do no wrong. But I still notice it. ._.

[Laszlo]

Please Note This is from my signature, for all to see. This includes my character Boris, so please take note, and thanks for your patience. I feel so bad letting all of my thread partners down (including you, Shade in Nyka), but I will make it up to you. December has been an exceedingly busy month for me. I barely have three or four hours to myself everyday lately, except at night when I'm utterly beat from work. I have posted to a few threads, but only because some of them are much easier for me to write for, and some of them I just want to get finished as soon as possible. Some threads take more effort to write out well, and I don't want to produce something half-assed when my thread partner deserves better. This also goes for my character Boris. I will return to my normal posting rhythm soon, but not now. I WILL BE GONE from the 9th to the 16th, but a few days after that I will have both time to myself and time off work. I should be able to get caught up before Christmas. Sorry for making everyone wait! Thanks for being awesome.

[Laszlo]

What I learned from vacation.

I don't really like writing long rants about my personal life and I don't even LIKE going in detail about my personal life. But I feel like I have a lot to say and I don't really have anywhere to put it, so I'll put it here.

So I semi-recently broke up with a guy who changed my life for the better and hurt me more than I ever thought I could be hurt. This is like damage that runs down deep into the fabric of my being and skewing everything out of perspective so much that I can't even remember what I used to be like before.

I have a terrible self image. Logically I know I'm a moderately attractive person, that I'm intelligent, that I have better common sense than many people and that I have a talent for videogames, writing, art, and problem solving. I know these things are true, I know I'm worth a damn, but it's so hard to feel like it. Especially after my last relationship (and he wasn't a bad guy, really he wasn't, I still love him and I still think he's amazing, we just have different ways of processing opinions and we didn't really... jive on the same level), I became extremely self conscious, terrified of intimacy, and I dwell on my mistakes to the point where I have to recite mantras (I don't want to say what they are) just to put my mind on something else. I feel like a broken person.

Fortunately I have some outstanding and amazing friends who are supportive and patient with me, even when I'm neurotic and annoy the hell out of them with my problems.

My friend Paul is one of them. He's from the internet (OH GOD) and he had some free time in December so he came around to my place. He's the reason I'm taking a break from Mizahar (and practically everything else). He's a great guy, and for a while I wondered at a romantic prospect with him. Nevermind that he lives across the country and I simply don't have it in me to begin a long distance relationships, especially after a serious one recently ended.

At this point I can safely say there are no romantic feelings. He's still a good friend, I still like him, and I'm still glad he came around. He doesn't find me repulsive (logically I know I'm not but again, I spent about three years being given reasons why I'm unpleasant to be around) even when I feel so insecure that all I can stand to do is curl up and feel sorry for myself.

It's nice, having someone want to be near me even when I have bad breath or I wore my old beat up jeans that went out of style ten years ago. There are a lot of people, especially on the internet, who I've gotten especially close to (to my surprise) and tell me what a great person I am. And I appreciate this, I really do. It's part of my equilibrium of self loathing and other people's opinions (I'm SO unhealthy xD). The thing is, on the internet, people only know about you what you give them. It's so easy to lie about who you are. You don't even have to try. You can give some truths and withhold others. Everyone does it. You can complain about this a-hole who cut you off in the turn lane but leave out the fact that you didn't signal. People know what you want them to know.

So, often, the people on the internet who care about me might not know enough about the real me to really judge properly. This applies to real life, too. I have friends I know and hang out with, but they only see a socially relevant me and not the shattered still-recovering me.

Paul came from the internet, and because he was around me for basically every moment of a week, he came in contact with a real me (I'd known him for 2 years or so anyway so we were already pretty well acquainted) and even STILL he thinks I'm an great person. I'm a little amazed by that. My head is trying to figure out how he's just mistaken or postponing judgment or is secretly changing his opinion, but logically I know that that's just me letting my ex control me (still).

So, maybe, I can stop being neurotic and paranoid and just accept that the people who care about me do know enough about me that I can actually believe them when I get this positive reinforcement that I so desperately crave sometimes. I think something shines through, past whatever deceptions I attempt to put in place, that people innately pick up on and that I can't hide or mask or distort. I'm still intelligent, still witty, still patient, and still honest even when I leave out the fact that I was just as brutal to my ex as he was to me (if not more), that I let my room get so dirty that sometimes I have ants, or that pretty much every problem I have is the result of my own doing (or not doing). Even if I don't mention these things, people see the decent side in me that exists, even if I don't utilize it as well as I should.

Sorry this entry is so whiny. I just needed to say something. I know I'm not ready for another romantic relationship yet. But I think, with some help from my friends, I can go back to being a normal person again.

Vic and Sev, you should know that I was thinking of you both a ton while writing this. <3 you guys.

/EMO RANT

[Seven Xu]

Dude, you're beyond awesome.

I'd still think that, even if we were thrown into the same room for a week. Sometimes it makes me sad that you get such a low opinion of yourself, but when I read something like this I know you're a lot stronger than you often let on. Keep doing your thing, the internet will be here to back you with awful humor and tumblr spam.

I saw Stardust in the $5 bin at Walmart today.

[Laszlo]

Dude still need to get that to you. Be online tomorrow morning!

Also fanks~ :3

[Victor Lark]

/spears your paranoia with a goddamn tilde

You know we got you. Never forget it!

[Laszlo]

I'm back from vacation but I have a LOT of stuff to catch up on at work and home before I can begin Mizahar again.

Sorry for the delay! Hope to be posting again soon. I'm usually not so busy!