It's Not Always Easy
But don't you wish it was?
Sometimes I need to use scrap posts to work things out in my head. Fortunately this is not one of those times. This is one of those times I'm using a scrap post to try and get through to a certain group of people - and maybe remind others or the game as a whole - who may or may not understand why I do things about what they should be doing or what needs to be done. I don't need to work out my thoughts in this scrap because I've already worked it out talking to someone I've come to really like as a friend. Sometimes one a.m. phone calls really do the trick to remind me not to be afraid of certain cycles, of certain things, and to move forward and stick with my ideals. Mizahar was built on my ideals, honestly, and while you might not always agree with me (or maybe never for that matter) you must at least a little bit agree with the ideals that are represented here. If you didn't, I'm certain you wouldn't be here.
I really appreciate the insight and the permission, in essence, that the person whom I talked to gave me in regards to the situation to feel and think the way that I did. Because sometimes, just a little, you need someone to tell you that you aren't crazy and you aren't being the royal bitch you are often afraid you are being. Well, maybe not you, but in my shoes it is sometimes I fear.
People come to me with all sorts of issues. They point things out, they whine, bitch, moan, cry and generally police the game. Folks always have. They unload on me and expect me to go fix it. And for the most part I can or at least I try to fix it. Often this means I need to go talk to someone and ask them some hard questions. I try to use soft words and do the best I can to straighten things out or get answers, but when people aren't willing to explain things so that I absolutely understand where they are coming from and what they are doing with things, then it gets frustrating. I'm often thrown into the role of being the bad guy, and while I am okay with that, its far easier to do when people are strangers and not someone you consider a friend.
Then again, its easier when people you consider friends are willing to sit down and discuss the issue, and not get upset. When folks get upset, that's when the real trouble starts. This is doubly an issue if those people are staff in other personas. I'm always afraid that I will anger these types of people by asking them the questions I would ask normal non-staff pcs. When a non-staff pc gets mad, they have two choices.. they can fix the issue or they can leave the game... they usually opt to leave the game for a bit then come back. When a staffer gets mad, they have three or more choices. They can quit the staff, they can quit the game entirely, or they can fix issues.... or any combination therein. But then thing is, everyone looks at a staffer's pc with extra scrutiny. Everyone asks questions. And when someone has no matter how inadvertently stepped on someone's toes as a PC this is doubley so. Staffers have to keep their ledgers up, their activities tracked, even their travel times fairly accurate.
And before you say much about travel times, Gillar has been working his rear off to get the travel times set in stone and up in the wiki. He claims these are coming this weekend, at least the land routes. Sea routes might take longer.
But I don't want to get too far off track. So.. PCs having questionable things, odd travel times, weird ledgers, etc.... I must investigate. Even if they are staff. Even if they are friends. I hate doing so. You should see the way I piss and moan and groan and don't want to do it. But in the end, its my job to do so. It's nothing personal. Last night I had two separate things with staffers I was dealing with, and I'm pretty sure both of them were mad beyond livid with the questions and my trying to handle the situation. One I worked through. The other simply logged off before we got anywhere. The first situation, I appreciated. The second situation I felt was... unfortunate. I honestly don't know if I am going to wake up today with one or more resignations in the HD.
I hope that's not the issue. And I asked myself a million times yesterday was it worth it. And someone, very kind with a sensible voice, told me repeatedly that it was a slippery slope and if I let the game fall down it where I was letting staffers do things or not track things (regardless of how big or small) without calling them on it, then its taking a walk with corruption and its a gateway to other things.
Do I risk loosing valuable staffers by bugging them incessantly about these issues and risk loosing their absolutely priceless volunteerism, or call them on their own actions and make sure they explain things? I can totally understand, after just dealing with the whole night last night, why other games let folks run rampant who are on staff. Some people deal well with questions, some get defensive and mad. But if I let things go, that's absolutely being hypocritical because we formed Mizahar after a situation of huge favoritism and staff corruption from a previous site we were on where we'd had enough.
So confront them or not? Loose them or not? Destroy a friendship by asking questions? Maybe. But last night I let people know - regardless of the circumstance which I am 1000% sure is misunderstanding not nefarious or underhanded dealings - that they needed to justify things and show things in their ledgers, or they had to act differently or we'd be going about things differently... even if it meant loosing them a friend or a mod. It was a really hard choice. I was so tempted to back down, let them do whatever, and just not give a fuck. Regardless of what I did in that situation, I'm the bad guy... for being on their case or being complacent after someone complained and brought it to my attention. But if being a bad guy maintains the status quo that Mizahar's players enjoy I'll do that. And if someone resigns their staff position over it, I have to remind myself of one more thing.... we will miss them horribly. They are loved. But in the end, they need to cut me some slack to and at least talk to me about the issue and not run away from it. If you aren't doing anything wrong, talking about it won't hurt a thing right? Because I'm pretty dense sometimes and I just don't understand like you think I might probably should in a way that reflects my blue name.
Staff positions come open. They get filled. Sometimes they players have to make due over long periods of time without support. It happens. They understand. I just don't want to these reasons to be the reasons people retire. But if you won't talk about them with me... then maybe there's some deep thinking that needs to be done as to why, and that means fixing a core problem that's underlying all the other problems so that everyone can move on and nothing more.
But as my one a.m. friend said. Don't let the fear of people potentially quitting let you stop owning your values and standing by them. That's how Mizahar grew. That's how it will continue to grow. So to those of you that make threats to leave, or ask me repeatedly to retire you... okay... I''ll have to abide by the consequences of whatever path such things take. But in the end, staying, working things out, talking things through, is going to get us to move mountains. Turning away, slamming doors, giving up... will only leave darkness, bitterness, and regret deep inside. I don't want to be the cause of it, but I'm less interested in causing that than I am in letting Mizahar become one of those sites where the staff gets away with murder. We left that. I hated it. I won't let it happen again. And while that situation isn't this situation, all it takes is one pebble, one slim thought of "Oh that can't hurt anything.." But once it starts tumbling, the avalanche of corruption that can follow is truly terrible.
So talk to me. Don't threaten to quit. Don't get mad. Just be human, be reasonable, and there's nothing we can't work out. If disassociation and leaving is your best option, then so be it... I'd hate it, but I have to stand by my ideals. Someone will eventually step forward. Someone always has, but that doesn't mean you can be replaced easily or wholly. You can't be. But it is what it is, ultimately, and people need to decide for themselves which path they want to walk.
