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Putting Things Into Perspective
But man, this month and the previous one has been full of anxiety for me. I'm not sure whats going on in my head, but something really monumental went on in a relative's life and its kinda threw me for a loop. I'm not sure how to explain it or how to even go into it on my scrap... or even if I should.
My husbands family - who are great people - live in Kentucky in a little town in this area featured above. It's pretty small and its not really on the map much. It's a lot like where I live. Just before thanksgiving, a nearby city called Washington KY got hit by a series of tornadoes that demolished the whole town. And when I say destroyed, I mean its absolutely just gone. Now where my in-laws live, they got hit hard by tornadoes too. Every house around them was flattened. They live out in the boonies on acreage and just at at home watching a twister circle their property (like 20 acres) and wipe out all their neighbors. Eight houses in a ten house community gone. One more fairly well trashed, and then my in-laws still standing. They live in a trailer, which is pretty common in rural Kentucky. Their home is beautiful with rolling grass hills, creeks, and they had horses galore roaming the scene.
Kathy, my mother in law, was incredibly shaken up. When she called you can tell she was in shock... they rode out the storm in the trailer and inside was a mess because the walls shook so hard and everything was so frightening. I can't imagine living through that and not being afraid. But all throughout the ordeal they kept saying.. ."We dodged a bullet. We dodged a bullet!" But... only... they didn't.
The house they lived in was picked up off the tie-downs, yanked hard multiple times, and unknowingly all the wiring in the wall was stripped bare. They were actually living in a ticking time bomb. Two weeks later the bomb went off, the walls caught fire due to the sparking electricity, and their house burned to the ground. No insurance. No backups. No food, no clothing, no.... toothbrush. Nothing left. They weren't home at the time but got home in time to get the dogs and pets out. They were incredibly thankful for this. They had a camp trailer... a thirty foot self contained vacation on wheels that they are now living in thankfully. The Red Cross came in and got them some cash ... like $500 bucks ... to get some supplies with. We didn't know what they were going to do. And we didn't know how to help. What do you tell someone in that situation and how do you comfort them? You can't.
And the worst of it is that I think its really messed me up too. I check everything now. Stove, lights, unplug everything everywhere unless we are using it, etc. I keep thinking what would happen if that happened to us. I can't tell you how much anxiety I've been living with. And it doesn't' seem to be getting any better. It's put me in a funny place in terms of Mizahar and making a lot of things get to me that I normally would blow off.
Back to them really fast.
Their church did some fundraising and helped them out, and this week after two months of living in the trailer they found out they get to move into a brand new triple wide home that's posh. They got all sorts of approvals for a new trailer with super low payments and something they can easily afford. In the end it worked out really well for them. And I am able to do something for my mother in law that is priceless. When I married her son she put together a wedding album for us of all the boy's pictures when they were little so I would know her son as a child a bit. I can send those pictures back to her now because all the originals are gone. When I pointed that out to her she started crying because she'd forgotten she'd made me that huge album and because of it she now has pictures again of the boys or at least the highlights of their growing up.
So my in-law's story ended well. It didn't end so well for most of their county and even the city that probably will never get rebuilt. And other people are still struggling there in a huge way. But it makes me so mad because it go so little attention and people are still talking about countries overseas that build in known storm paths and cry when they get devastated. What gives?
Anyhow, back to me.
These life events are translating into all sorts of things as far as Mizahar is concerned for me and my usual weirdness escalating into abnormal weirdness. I'm a very compassionate and caring person in real life. It doesn't translate well into text - trust me on that one - but I do give a shit about everything here almost to the point of caring too much. I'd like to think that's why Mizahar has thrived. I've given a shit about it.
But lately, all the 'problems' I see on here just don't seem like actual problems. Maybe Kentucky's tragedy put things into perspective for me. But it's a fantasy game, but often people don't treat it like one. They seem like people whining over bits of less than nothing or like they have nothing better to do. Problems here don't feel like "Real Problems" if that makes any sense. Often they make me angry just to hear about them. It's like there's no perspective for others. Or perhaps its just that getting what a player wants is priority number one and they don't care who they walk on to make sure their issues eclipse every other issues out there.
I don't know how else to describe it.
That's why its so refreshing for me to hear about a mother worried about her son having breathing issues ooc or someone worried about a test and getting a fantastic final grade in the class. Those feel a whole lot more like real problems to me rather than whether someone's PC qualifies for a gnosis they really really want or if they can have that magecrafted level 4, two izentor marked mage robe that was gifted to them by an irl friend who also mods.
Bleh. Then there's the problems that seem more real on there and everyone blows off.
The Graders are worried, for example, that because they exist, no one in the staff is grading much anymore. And in a way this is true. I see their point though folks like Magpie that just tore through Endrykas' grade request thread make that whole statement untrue as well. But the Magpie's of the game are very few and far between. The norm is more like a grade or two a week and OMG I'm active! But doing one or two grades a week isn't 'grading' really. It's just doing token work. Having an empty grade request thread because your staff and outside volunteers on it is more like what should be happening.
This feels like a 'real problem'.
So I sent out a mass pm yesterday or the day before... reminding AS's that they need to be grading and reminding DS's that they need to be overseeing their AS's activities. I didn't get a single response back. No discussion was sparked. No one was interested, it seemed, in doing much at all other than maintaining the status quo. Out of sight out of mind? Or did I just waste my time? I probably just wasted my time... and i knew that going in. But if folks volunteer to be on staff, why aren't they actively doing their job as staff? Grading can suck. I get that. Especially if you've done it as much as I have over the years. This isn't putting down the staff that do a great job and work hard. But the problem is, sometimes getting that fancy DS or AS title seems to empower people into thinking they are better than someone else... and the truth is they aren't. I'm willing to wait months to get grades on my threads because while XP is important, what's more important to me is the story.
But players don't always feel that way. And I get that. And its fine. If you are here for the points, you should be able to get them and not have to sleep with someone or kiss someone's butt to do it. But it just feels like that's what you have to do in some regions to get people to wake up and get some attention.
And it becomes my problem because I am some sort of figurehead of this site that everyone blames for everything when things go wrong... like grades not getting touched for months in grade request threads - in regions I'm not even active in. Yes. It's Gossamer's Fault(tm). Why? Because I should do something about it and I'm "The Man" and my entire goal is to oppress the masses or something. Hell if I know. But I do know its doubly depressing that I can't get any interest in even a discussion going. I post things in the Staff Lounge and they go unanswered and frankly unread most of the time. Why? People have their own problems. But who gets the hate mail and who starts to be the focus of "This is what's wrong with the site?" Yea. Yours truly.
Again, its attention, and I don't want it. I don't need it. And its wholly unwelcome.
I've retired all my characters besides my primary and one secondary that I hardly touch because I can't seem to make any progress on anything I want to do with any of them and I have to be realistic about it. I told everyone I did it. No one responded... or seemed to care so that told me that was the right move to make after all. I hope they are just relieved about the whole thing and not that upset. I know I'm relieved. I'd rather have people focus on things they can accomplish on pcs they want to play rather than wait for me to get around to do something. And I want to concentrate once more on running quests. That means getting back to the ones currently underway and some exciting new ones I have planned.
This whole thing.. the tornado, the fire, the current atmosphere on Mizahar... has all put me in a weird place in my head and I can't seem to shake it. It might just be my work hours too because this is the first full weekend off I've had since October. Working six days a week and long long hours on those days has left a slight exhaustion to me as well. That's why I haven't gotten anything done today. Between chatting on aim and writing this scrap, I've taken four hours worth of naps... and now that its three pm in the afternoon I'm feeling a lot better.
On a more positive note... these feelings and this overall mood has translated well because I can write for a PC that's been feeling neglected, unwell, and unloved for at least a season or more. That's kind of how we all feel when we get tired and worn down. But I needed to have a birth thread and I couldn't stand... absolutely couldn't stand.. .the thought of someone or a group of someone's focusing all their attention on my PC in a thread. So I'm soloing it. It works better for me that way because I know the thread will get completed and my PC doesn't have to have the attention I simply can't stand to have right now as a human being. And my PC is feeling hugely sorry for herself - no one wants to see that in thread - and just wants to be left alone. See the parallels here? That nagging voice in the back of my head that is that PC... is kicking up a storm because shes mad as hell about a few things and wants to make some changes in her life but only after she quietly falls apart.
I think the whole breakdown will be good for her.
I feel like falling apart sometimes too. There's too much stress, too much worry, and now all I can think about is our house burning to the ground when I leave. So I check everything, repeatedly, and feel stupid because everything seriously is fine. But I can't handle a real tree this year for yule. No way. It has to be fake to be safe enough right now in my mind. It's seriously been keeping me awake - this whole thing - and it has turned into a fear of Mizahar falling apart if I turn my attention away long enough.
I keep saying in my mind... Thank god for Traverse. She's doing a whole lot more than holding down the fort HD wise. Just her stoic presence on the site is holding me together as well. And if RF and Cyphrus didn't have Magpie and the team of AS's... we'd be in a world of hurt too.
And thankfully Translucent has moved to Kenash to take things in hand. That's a huge relief as well. And just today like a prayer in the night answered swiftly and quietly, someone I really think will do a good job showed interest in Mura as an ST. I could cheer.
So just like things are looking up for my in-laws, things are coming together here too on my home front.
And someone... who is a dear friend, just hung (while I was sleeping) a bag of small elegant presents on my door to be opened one at a time each day for a while. She said she needed to pick someone to do little things for or gift this year once a day to honor her own family traditions. And it was my year... so I have these seriously beautifully wrapped presents and I don't even want to unwrap them because they are so artfully done. My friend is amazing. She makes me cry and doesn't even know about the how much I hate attention thing. I really really hate it. She's the same one that baked me an entire carrot cake and dropped it by just because. I need to do something nice for her... but it will take some thinking to see it through.
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by Wrenmae on December 5th, 2013, 9:51 pm 
