So You Can't Make People Like You
And really why would you even want too? They either do or they don't.
So its after work for me. I'm sitting here at two a.m enjoying a glass of Blackberry Chardonnay and contemplating the utterly shittiness of my day. I would explain it all to you, oh anonymous reader, but it would be too complicated of a tale to understand and it would probably paint me in a bad light fairly early on, if you don't already see me this way. Why? Well I had a sort of meltdown today. No, it wasn't a little hissy fit and no this isn't a rant scrap. But life gave me a wake up call and put some things into perspective for me so that I came to realize that I wasn't as important to some people as they were too me. Even saying that makes me feel smaller. Maybe I shouldn't say it. Maybe its not the right way to see things. And maybe how I feel is less important than how I should feel if I were a better person, perhaps more righteous.
I hate that feeling, one of being overlooked or under appreciated or easily dismissed. It comes altogether too often in my life and started at a fairly young age when my parents decided that another person's almost adult troubled teen was more important than their own daughter and shipped me off to live with my grandparents so they could be the other child's savior. My older brother got to stay. You see, the other teen, a boy wasn't allowed to be around little girls. And this was certainly true of a very young toddler even if she wasn't the prettiest thing around nor the most intelligent. So I got shipped south and raised by my grandparents, which in the end was better for me. I loved them dearly and they spent time with me and gave me attention because they were retired. They grew flowers and taught me my love of gardening and raising small dorset sheep. I could read a newspaper by three, and was starting kindergarten at five. It wasn't as if they were trying to get me out of the house. No... not at all. But my family wanted me to start school early because I was mutant tall and they felt I'd fit in better with older kids rather than starting at my age group.
I agree looking back. Back then, though, it felt like another ousting.
Back at my parents, there was a fall out, the teen got into more trouble several years later, and suddenly it was time for me to come home. Only that wasn't my home. My home was my home, and this ultimately lead me to trust issues and feelings of anxiety when big changes come about. But I spent most of my formative years with people who cared deeply and didn't let anything slide. So I'm a bit hard wired certain ways with certain fears and it tends to not be something I can overcome. I've tried, in my years as an adult, but some things are just beyond my control.
But needless to say a meltdown occurred - whether justifiable or not - and in the end nothing really changed. Why? Because people wanted what they wanted and that was that. They are getting it so more power too them - all of them - even if they don't realize how or why or maybe just think I'm batshit crazy. Maybe I am. I hope it makes them happy and I hope it was worth, ultimately, the feelings they stepped on along the way. Every day that passes on this game seems to result in me caring a little less and growing a bit more bitter. I'd take a break, but it wouldn't do any good. People are people and they are always going to look after themselves first and foremost, and that is pretty much that.
I had a thought today... unrelated to the situation I'm writing about... in regards to people that don't PM me back. Some people PM me and want things or sort of add explanations on to things they've posted elsewhere. This could be in the help desk or in the game or just to ask random questions. Now someone today PM'd me out of the blue and asked me a question. He didn't need anything. It was just a curiosity sort of question, and I enjoyed getting it and enjoyed answering it. And it honestly lead me to look at things from his perspective and try to decide why he asked the question and what he got out of my answer to his question. It didn't benefit him at all and it certainly didn't give him any depth of insight into the game. And maybe my answer, which was all of two sentences long, wasn't satisfactory to him and though he pm'd me back thanking me for the prompt response... maybe he longed for more. I won't know. I wish I did know, because looking back that was a highlight of my day.
Otherwise it was the crappiest of crapfests.
But getting back to the PMs. I have a ton of PMs in my sent mail file that have been unanswered and unlooked at. I'm going to delete them today. I also have a great may pms' that I have sent to folks (usually in response to a pm they sent me) which they never bother to reply to. I wonder... would they feel as slighted if I never replied to thier HD tickets as a result? I wish had the superhero power of knowing if someone is going to read a pm or not or if it will effect them or not so I can decide whether it's worth my time to actually write the pm in the first place... or respond to theirs. I mean... I need a response, people. I need to know you know I know that what I know and wanted to talk to you about got across or if it didn't why not and how much again do you hate me now? Okay, truthfully I don't care how they feel about me. It's none of my business... and I say that all the time. I should have taken that advice for the butthurt situation above, but in that case I cared so deeply about the people involved that I was devastated... note I said was. Wine makes every devastating situation better. I'm not so devastated now. I'm just sad and probably a little drunk because I've filled this glass a few times. And I hope they choke just a little... like maybe on some dust or run into a swarm of locusts that eat their brains.... or whatever... but that won't last long and I'll move on and things will either drastically change or they won't.
I shouldn't even be talking about this situation. But heh... its my scrap and I'll talk about whatever I want to talk about I suppose.
Do you know in all the years I've played on Mizahar I've never had a mod finish a thread for me? Tarot has come closest with one of my kelvics. He might have actually finished one or two, but I can promise you it took years to do irl if he did. Other than that every single thread I've ever gotten modded hasn't been finished by the same mod or at all? Mostly at all is the truth of it. And this is coming from a player who's PC that has THREE gnosis marks. Sad huh? It makes me think there's no hope in the world. But I've finished modded threads for others. Sure I've dropped a few too - due to rl, lame players, or things just being too much for me. So yea, I'm not perfect. I haven't graded some that have been finished as well and that's a big flaw, but they are on my extensive to-do list and I'll probably grade them someday when I want to re-read the threads for the fun of it. And maybe half of the 'not grading' thing is just me wanting toe players or player to ask me to grade it because then that means they actually cared it happened.
I once spent two years irl developing and running an extensive series of threads after threads (which I did post to daily or at least a few times a week) for a good friend who complained bitterly when i decided to retire from the site we were running them on. Don't get me wrong. I didn't do them because I wasn't getting anything out of them or because of the kindness of my heart. I loved running them as much as I think he loved posting too them. When we came over here he promised to run me a series of threads as well - Nysel themed - and managed like two or three posts before he quit. Yea.. that was a little bit of a letdown and whole lot of heartbreak. I've tried to get my PC her second mark of Nysel about six times. I've had six mods drop six different threads started for that goal. But they were friends so I forgave them. How can you be mad when people have rl come up and things get in the way. And how can you run the Cytali when you only have one Nysel mark? You really can't. Being this sort of thing requires that you have the ability to fuck with people's chavi - alter their memory, change their very beliefs and lives - and with one mark you can read the chavi and know the unknowable, but its hard to take the next step.
So I spent all day yesterday thinking things over, talking to the people that hurt my feelings, and in the end they apologized but nothing really changed. I did find out the reason though, the reason all this happened, and it probably made me more insanely mad than the events to begin with. And so I had to do some re-evaluation.
So today I let go of that dream. I had to face the reality that after this long and that many false starts I can't keep trying and keep failing because it just sucks to much fun out of things for me. Others have offered to help, but with them so busy and everyone's plates so full, who am I to demand space and time in their realities? And while their offers were sincere, there was no real bump behind them so I know there was no joy or enthusiasm in wanting to take on the task of a second mark. So I had to re-evaluate what I could do and how I could do it and came up with a plan B that didn't require any epic plots or mystical powers and instead just requires good old fashioned leg work or in the case of Mizahar... thread work. I'll build my PC's healing college, teach classes on animal medicine, and realize that dream. Its not to late ever to change dreams and change directions and do things new ways if there are old roadblocks in the way. If others want to carry on the work, I will let them do so and help them out as a mod in terms of support in any way I can. It's no less than they deserve.
I also talked about earlier how I retired all my other PCs. That's mostly true. No time, no energy, and no mod support to continue on their plotlines. That makes me sad as well. Not every storyline needs a moderator driving it, but some plot lines deserve one. And over the course of this month I've realized that I am less deserving than others are of getting those plotlines attention. I hate being the kid picked last for a team in school. I hate being the one that has to demand attention because otherwise everyone forgets to give a rats ass. And I mean, if you have a blue name and kick out, will people respond because they want to help or will they respond because they don't want you upset or unhappy. Some people would say in the end it doesn't matter. But to me it does. I want people to want to thread with me, to like me as a writer, and to get something out of our interactions to take home with them. How can you make that happen though? You can't. It has to come naturally... and for me it does not. No one will power post for three days straight just because they are so in love with the thread that they can't wait to see what happens next. Where did that disappear to? Once upon a time I was that person. I want to be that person again. But I realize it takes work on my part and that it takes me only doing so from a mod perspective because in that capacity you can give to someone, not expect something back, and they are thrilled. It is less desirable to have it happen with a PC for others, though for me that is the ultimate bomb. I don't care if its just posting a sight seeing social thread with nothing at all going on. I don't care if its just a thread that lends itself to going nowhere with nothing at its core as a goal. I want that again. I want that very very badly.
So what does all this scale back mean? It means that I have more time to mod and that means there can be a few more people out there who get to enjoy quests and moderator attention like I don't get too. Maybe I can find another fun plotline I love writing for like I did with my friend on the other site so I can keep going and have years of threads to back a storyline instead of just one or two months, weeks, whatever it takes. And it means I have time for Syka again and maybe to take over some mod duties that some of the cities that lack moderators or mod attention so I can spread that around a bit. And as for my PC, I think solos are the way to go. You can control the speed of the story, you don't have to worry about getting people to post, pushing them, thinking up plots for them, keeping yourself interesting... keeping the story interesting... all the stuff that makes writing threads with others hard.
Sorry for the long involved Scrap. I hope you didn't actually read it all the way through oh anon reader. But if you did, then grats, because you have more free time than I do. And if I wanted to leave you with one thing, its simply this.. the people you thread with have feelings. They are real people behind the scenes. And sometimes they like a little given back to them as much as they like giving things to you. Are you equally as generous in your writing? If you aren't, you should be. Oh, and just so my tyrant reputation isn't ruined behind a blubbering fool drinking wine.... if your one of those that don't PM me back, don't expect PMs in the future or HD tickets answered or any support whatsoever when you need it most. I have a long memory and I will not soon forget the fact that your courtesy doesn't merit my courtesy in those regards.
by Vanator on December 16th, 2013, 3:29 pm 
This place is a fantastic site full of creative people...and honestly I don't think we would have survived very long if Jen hadn't been as active as she has been.
