[Kova's Well] No Apparition [Kendall]

[Hadrian]

Hadrian had no hard feelings for Ivak. He didn't really feel like he had a right to have hard feelings toward any deity, being an ant in their estimation, most likely. He would master Fire one day, and that would be blessing enough from Ivak, though by the time he did, he would probably be able to make little volcanic eruptions himself. The idea almost made him shiver. Chuckling at Kendall's plans, he shook his head. "If you want a little of my direction, you can have it free of charge: don't go to Ravok! But I'm from Syliras, so I'm biased." He nodded along with what Kendall was saying. "Well, I'll give you an Auristics lesson, but you could probably mop the floor with me in a fight. I'm basically worthless... unless I cheat." He chuckled. And that's when things got interesting. As Kendall fumbled to explain about his -- her? -- predicament, Hadrian looked more closely at his -- her? -- aura, and then it made more sense. He smiled faintly, glad to have put two and two together finally. Then he caught himself smiling when he -- she? -- seemed so upset and he hastily shook off the face. "I'm sorry, I... Was it a morphing accident? I don't think we ever met personally, but I remember what you looked like. If it's morphing, you're... amazing at it. I had no clue..." Despite his sympathy, he was solution oriented and his -- her? -- case fascinated him. When he -- she? -- continued to look upset, though, he stopped. "I'm sorry. I'm being terribly rude..." But his hand rose up as if to touch Kendall's face, stopping short because he didn't wish to offend. It was just so remarkable.

[Kendall Saarinen]

A small shy smile danced on Kendall's lips. Hadrian had not been the first person to tell him to keep his distance from Ravok. With each comment his grand goal to head off to that chaotic seemed like less and less of a good idea. He was not sure what made him want to go to go to Ravok. Maybe it was just the fact that the city was so feared. He had lived so sheltered in Zeltiva and he was ready to test the limits of the world. "Thank you for your concern. You are not that first person to tell me that." Things would be somewhat easier for Kendall if he could read other's auras. It would help him a bit out of situations like this where his dirty secret was in danger of being exposed. "I would like that a lot. I am ready whenever you are." He smiled and pushed his hair out of his mismatched eyes. "I'm sure I wouldn't want you cheating. I can barely hold my own when people are playing fair." He was sure a man who spoke of so many different kinds of magic could knock him out in chimes if he wanted to. Besides, he has still somewhat new to this world of the arcane. He had made friends with his fire but it did not mean he could pit himself against a magic user much more practiced than him. As Hadrian's eyes watched over Kendall his mind raced. "What is he thinking? I should have never admitted anything." The look was broken by a smile after a bit of visual assessment. Why was he smiling? Did he find it funny that Kendall was ripped from everything he knew. Then the questions came. They spilled out just like he knew they would. He had been running from them. He ran from his home to this city full of strangers just to find the one stranger who could figure him out. "Just stop asking questions. Don't make me go back there. Don't put me back in that room." Normally Kendall would shut down as the dark shadows of his past creeped back. "Don't ruin this. Don't scare him away." He did not want to push Hadrian away. For the first time since his accident he had felt normal and happy. He simply looked at Hadrian with empty eyes. He felt like running away from his new friend. "I don't want to talk about it… Now I just need to say it out loud." He opened his mouth to talk but the words would not come out. "I don't want you to hate me…" He wanted to reach out to Hadrian for comfort but he moved first. His hand rose up, almost as if to touch his face and dropped back to his side. "No… keep moving." He bit his lip as he tried not to cry. He couldn't cry in front of Hadrian. A hand reached around Hadrian's wrist, pulling it against Kendall's cheek. He fought the urge to smile as he felt his skin against his own. The action alone was strange enough on it's own. He felt as though he could not look Hadrian in the eye but he forced himself to look into the blue of his irises. "It's hard to talk about Hadrian. I lost everything and it was all for a little game it seemed." He sighed and looked down at the ground. He missed Zeltiva with all of his heart. He closed his eyes and focused on the palm against his face. He felt as though he could speak freely. Hadrian had not pushed him away like he thought he would. He actually reacted quite differently. He wanted to know more. He thought it was amazing. "You are not being rude. You are just curious. It is the scholar's curse." He smiled and felt a tear fall down his cheek. He pulled Hadrian's hand away from his face. "Sorry, that was… uncalled for." He sighed and looked at Kova's Well. "I was walking home from the University one night and…" Kendall stopped, trying to push on through the story. "…and a man kidnapped me. He took me to his home and he forced me into an animation circle." The tears were coming stronger now. This was the first time he had told anyone this story. "He had an apprentice with him and he was forced into the other side of the circles. From that point everything is quite misty." It was a very dialed down version of what actually happened but he stuck with it. "I would like to say it was morphing. I believe that would be easier to revert." Dread lined Kendall's emotions. He did not want Hadrian to push him away. In fact, he waited to be closer. It was nearly impossible to get close to anyone now. The thought would always be in the back of their mind of who he used to be. He could tell Hadrian was different though. Maybe not different enough to disregard his little secret completely but different enough not to judge as harshly.

[Hadrian]

Hadrian was startled by Kendall's hand on his wrist, the sudden touch of his own hand to that fair cheek, that sad face. Up close, the mismatched eyes were even more obvious and he wondered if that was some side effect of the magical process that turned Kendall from a young woman to a young man. "Still," he said, uncomfortable with his own emotions, let alone those of someone else, "I am sorry. It's easy for me to get excited about something and forget what the implications are for other people..." Even though Kendall pulled his hand away, he reached up and swiped away the tear. But then the rest of the story came, and more tears and Hadrian didn't know what to do. He had dread-filled flashbacks of his elder sisters crying, but he was no longer a strange little boy that they could crush to their bosoms for comfort. He should know what to do in this situation, but he was not very experienced with women. That it was another man of his age crying, at least externally, confused him all the more. "I'm sorry," he said again, a little more desperate this time. He was going to have to learn to have a bit more empathy for people, to know when his question would loose such a torrent of tears. Or perhaps it was his concern that softened Kendall's defenses. Then he realized he was hugging Kendall, which surprised a blink out of him. Physically demonstrative Hadrian was not. But it wasn't bad. He was taller than Kendall by a good bit, but hardly as strong. "It'll be all right," he said. "Somehow... everything ends up all right." Even as he said that, his mind raced over the fundamentals of Animation that he had learned from books, and what more he had accomplished under the brief tutelage of Jilitse of Sahova. He didn't want to give false hope, but if his old body survived, there might be a chance... But he would not say anything until he knew. He didn't want to make Kendall cry again. "It will be all right," he said quietly, hoping he wasn't utterly crap at hugging.

[Kendall Saarinen]

The skin to skin contact calmed Kendall, if only for a moment. He was not mad at Hadrian in the least. It was only natural to be interested. It was not like everyday someone showed up with a story like his. His heart skipped a beat as Hadrian's hand moved back to his face wiping away his tears. He had not expected Hadrian to reach out to him in such a way. "Thank you…" The words seemed to flow easier as he spoke to Hadrian. Even though he admitted his deepest secret to him he still felt comfortable around him. He always thought when the horrible day came he would have to spill his secret his life would be over, at least in a metaphorical sense. He could not imagine someone else knowing why he was the way he was. Hadrian knew though. He knew and everything was completely fine. He felt… safe. The arms around Kendall surprised him quite a bit. Hadrian did not seem like the type to try to comfort him past the lines of kind words. He seemed at times even a bit emotionally shut off. There in Hadrian's arms Kendall felt his hysteria starting to wane. Although the fiery mark on his wrist usually helped with calming his hysteric episodes right now it did not need to work as hard. Hadrian was quite a bit taller than Kendall. Half a foot to be exact. The last time he was in a man's arms like this it was Kay'lan's and he was only 5'8. The men of Avanthal always tended to be a bit on the shorter side, even when they were raised away from the biting cold. Kendall found solace in being in the arms of someone taller though. It came with a sense of being protected even if it made him a little self-conscious about his shorter height. Cathan was taller than Kendall as well. He had never really thought about it before though. Kendall laid his head against Hadrian's chest and breathed in. "Thank you. I needed to talk about it even if I didn't want to. I'm sure you can tell it was a hard thing to keep bottled up. I just did not feel as though I could tell anyone." Kendall's femininity was shining through even if he did not notice. He was still "technically" a man but inside he felt like himself again. It felt as though things were somewhat moving back into place even if outwardly nothing changed, nor would it. "It just feels good to not have it locked up anymore. I'm just sorry that you had to see me get so emotional." He hugged Hadrian tighter as tried to start breathing regularly again. Somewhere within Kendall there as peace. Not overwhelming peace but a small seed of it. "I hope it will be alright. I need a little progressive motion. It would be nice if something really good happened. I guess it must be coming soon with the course of the past two seasons." He had to stay positive. If he let himself start to get negitive all hope would be lost. He had to move forward and find a place where he belonged and he needed to find Ivak. He had to take the jump. Hadrian was so close to him and it had been so long since he was with Kay'lan. It had been so long since he heard his Snowsong music and his Vani poetry. Nothing had to amount to anything extraordinary, although he would not mind if it did. What if he never saw Hadrian again after this. He had to take the leap. He tilted his head up and looked at Hadrian. "This is a bad idea. I shouldn't do this. I shouldn't push him farther. He is already being so kind." He pushed forward though and moved onto his tiptoes. "Lean forward. It is too late to back down now." Kendall leaned forward, his lips making contact with Hadrian's cheek. Sparks seemed to shoot through his body as he felt his soft skin against his lips. Kay'lan Snowsong was a million miles away now and so was Zeltiva. Everything seemed so far away that he almost forgot to pull away. Now there was nothing left to do but wait. Kendall feared how Hadrian would react but it was all in past. Now it was time to see the future, even if it was Hadrian walking away in disgust.

[Hadrian]

It was strange, hugging Kendall. He closed his eyes and he saw a picture of her from the past in his mind, and it didn't exactly jive with the man he had seen most recently, but with the picture of his aura still fresh in his mind, it was almost like nothing had changed. Well, they hadn't actually met before, but he knew who she was. Who he was. But more and more, he was acting like a she, or at least more typically feminine. It was rather like comforting one of his sisters when such and such a boy slighted her at a dance or some such nonsense. The hug was perhaps stronger than Kendall meant, forgetting that her body was now stronger than it had been. He laughed a little. "You're stronger than me... And it's all right. I have sisters and brothers so..." Then, after Kendall answered him, the blond got a strange look in his mis-matched eyes and left Hadrian blinking with his kiss to the cheek. He looked curiously at Kendall, holding both her past image and his current face in his mind at the same time. He wasn't so good with emotions and all that, or even interpersonal relating. "Hey, it will be all right. And if anyone finds it more than passing strange, just tell them Lhex made a mix up and reincarnated you in the wrong body... without waiting for you to die...?" He smiled. It was a lame jest, but there was that grain of truth: they were all reincarnated, and the soul had no gender, only the body.

[Kendall Saarinen]

"Everything will be all right." He kept repeating it in his mind or he would lose it. Hadrian's voice chimed in his ears letting him know he was hugging a little harder than he thought he was. He loosened his hold on Hadrian feeling a blush come across his face. "Sorry. I guess I am still not used to this body." It was strange saying it out loud. At most it was only said in his mind. In Kendall's mind things were rushing in a sense. This new release of information was like a vaccuum, pulling everything off the shelves of his mind. Emotion and memories seemed to be flooding his mind. It was a relief to see Hadrian still standing in front of him when he pulled away from the kiss. It was a strange action and looking back to it, he was not sure exactly why he did it. Possibly, it was just a surge of feminine energy. The same that had been slowly building up since he was thrown to the streets of Zeltiva. It was confusing at best. He was getting signals from both sides of himself. His body was telling him to back off and simply speak with Hadrian from an socially acceptable distance. His heart was telling him to stay in his arms. He had been caught in the gender fight before where his male body and female soul seemed to be at odds. It was never this extreme though. Things were reverting back to normal in a sense. For a moment in time he had forgotten what his predicament. His was in his mind, himself again. The comment about his strength brought him back to reality though. "Thank you. I'm sure the anwer is out there somewhere. I just don't know where." Hadrian's explination for Kendall's change was a little far fetched although he could tell he was somewhat joking about it. "I doubt I am important enough for Lhex to take me aside and reincarnate me like that. I know what you mean though." He chuckled sniffing back a few final tears. "I'm sure it will be interesting. Heh, It already has been... obviously. I think I still have yet to sort things out comepletely." He closed his eyes and tried to shuffle through all the clashing thoughts and feelings. "I'm sure this could have been easier. A supportive family is always helpful. My family didn't exactly believe I was who I claimed to be though." Another pang of sadness hit him but he took it silently in stride. If he was going to react like a girl he was going to deal with it like a man. There had to be some upside to his situation and if that one aspect was it he would have to take advantage of it.

[Hadrian]

Hadrian frowned, not liking the way Kendall was so down on himself. He disagreed on a few philosophical points as well, but he supposed it was more important to comfort Kendall than prove himself right. Anyway, it wasn't like Lhex was going to come down and give him the thumbs up to know that he was on the right course. "A soul is a soul is a soul," he said, shrugging. "You might have been a princess in another life, or a beggar, or... anything. Male, female, powerful, powerless. I think that's the point of reincarnation. Our souls get to experience the gamut of life..." He patted Kendall's cheek again, just pretending that the old, female face was actually before him. "I think Lhex has time for all of us, just not in as intimate a way as some of the other gods. But don't rate yourself too low. Anyway, I'm sure it was difficult, but you're building a new family... If you let Cathan hang around with you long enough, I'm sure you'll bond." And, of course, he was in Hadrian's arms, but Hadrian wasn't so good at being close to people. Not really. "And at least you got stuck in a good body. I mean, I wish I was as fit as you, with golden good looks. You could have woken up all pale and gawky like me and then you'd be really pathetic." He smiled crookedly, a self-deprecating joke at his own expense.

[Kendall Saarinen]

The way Hadrian explained things made a lot of sense. Kendall had never thought about life in such a way. Never in all of his years at the University did he ever come to a viewpoint like that. The two boys had studied very different things though. Too much study into the words of other people did not leave a lot of room for his own. Hadrian may not have been the most expressive person, or even the most emotional but he was intellegent. Intellegence went far in Kendall's opinion. Someone could be drop dead gorgeous but without brains they would be dead the second they walked out of their home town. "I like that. It makes things a little easier to deal with in a way. It also brings up a lot of questions though." If souls were genderless like Hadrian claimed then a good deal of what he based his sanity on was not entirely true. He always thought in terms of male body, female soul. As long as his soul stayed female he felt safe. According to this, the soul was neither a male or female, blowing Kendall's own sense of sanity slight out of proportion. "Maybe it is not the soul that is more feminine but the mind?" Maybe it was time to put the whole gender debate to rest and stop trying to define himself. He did not have to be anything but Kendall. Kendall could not help but smile as Hadrian patted his face. It was not due to the contact but what Hadrian was talking about. Cathan truely meant a lot to Kendall. He was really all he had and he knew he would do almost anything to protect him. He knew between the two of them Cathan was more likely to do the protecting though. "I hope Cathan stays. He is quite important to me. I would not have left Zeltiva without him. I know I wouldn't." Kendall looked up to Cathan in a way. He was much more independent than him and resourceful than him. They balanced each other out well though. Where Kendall lacked physical strength, Cathan excelled and where Cathan lacked the capacity to go math and magic, Kendall picked up the slack. They simply functioned better togather. "Don't sell yourself too short Hadrian. You never know who will go for pale and gawky boys." Kendall smiled at him but this time just went as far as his words. He was glad he was luck enough to be good looking. That would always be counted as a blessing of his. "I do not just go around hugging and kissing every guy I see." He truly found Hadrian quite appealing. All the time with Kay'lan had somewhat conditioned him to liking guys with some less... desireable qualities. It was not that Kay'lan was a bad person. He was just lacking greatly in the height department. Kendall forced a smile as he looked at Hadrian. "I'm really sorry. I must be making this incredibly awkward for you. If only we could have met a few seasons sooner." A few seasons sooner. That seemed to be the excuse for everything lately.

[Hadrian]

Hadrian smiled glumly and nodded. It seemed like the more he knew, the more he realized that he didn't know anything. Someone had told him once that such was the seed of wisdom, but he didn't count himself wise either. Just Hadrian with his far-fetched ideas and an unending drive to make them come true. "I don't think we run out of questions until we get to the end of everything... Whether the gods deem reincarnation unnecessary and we change into something else or... hm, whatever happens to a soul that breaks free of the cycle. You know, Areesa Tallshade created the Anvil of Souls to do just that, but I wonder if... well, like any great tool, it should be used with wisdom." He nodded thoughtfully, then continued along with their strange conversation. "Cathan will likely stay with you. He's a Kelvic and they were designed to bond to another person, especially mages. At least he's housebroken." He glanced away when Kendall talked about pale and gawky boys, never mind that they were still so close to each other. With luck, his pale cheeks wouldn't turn pink in embarrassment. "You'll be fine. Men kissing men isn't looked down upon in every culture, so if your mind refuses to agree with your body..." He shrugged, then looked curiously at this curious lady-man. "Why would you want to have met me sooner?"

[Kendall Saarinen]

The thought of reincarnation had taken a new light for Kendall ever since his accident. When he was younger he had always thought becoming something new would be interesting and fun. Now he hated himself for thinking that way. Why would he want to give up who he was? He was perfectly happy as Kendall Saarinen, daughter of Da'nel and Marie, sister to Layton, Rak'kel, and Suanna. He would have given everything he had to be her again. A small chuckle bubbled from Kendall's throat. "I would hope not. I'd be lost without Cathan. It would be nice to bond with him but only time will tell what happens." He knew he liked the company of the canine man. That was clear to be seen. He had formed a sort of brotherhood with the man in a sense. He knew he did not want to leave Cathan but if the Kelvic felt the need to leave his side he would let him. He would miss him terribly but he would honor the man's wish. Although Kendall had found himself feeling a bit attracted to women at times he was not sure he would ever truly get used to it. He found relief in the fact he still liked men. At least some things had not changed. "That's good to hear. In my perdicament if I want to get romantic that is most likely going to be the case." He worried a lot about that fact. If he was ever going to fall in love again he would have to tell the person about his past. That seemed to be more daunting than the difficulties of being gay. What person would want to be with someone who used to be the opposite gender? He knew it would always be on their mind. They would always be wondering what the hidden half of him looked like. Kendall smiled at Hadrian's question. The answer was simple enough, if not a bit cocky. "Back then I was myself and much more confident. I'm sure it is easy to see this whole business of being a male is still new to me. I knew who I was back then and, not to sound full of myself but I was beautiful." Kendall closed his eyes and tried to see the girl who had disapeered in Zeltiva. She had long brown, wavy hair, blue eyes, and light skin. Kendall knew who she was. She was somewhere within this body, lost in the rush of testosterone. "I miss who I was. Who knows though. You might have disliked me. I tended to talk a lot. Too much at times." He recalled a few times where people had snapped at him for talking to much. His voice had gotten him in trouble a good amount of times back then but it was better than not having one at all. "Still, we never spoke back when I was a girl anyway. Maybe I was not as interesting as I thought."