[Ariel's Scrapbook] Ariel's School for Ants

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The player scrapbooks forum is literally a place for writers to warm-up, brainstorm, keep little scraps of notes, or just post things to encourage themselves and each other. Each player can feel free to create their own thread - one per account - and use them accordingly.

[Ariel's Scrapbook] Ariel's School for Ants

Postby Markus Andres on September 28th, 2011, 9:28 pm

Kendall Saarinen wrote:*glares at you* The X-Men movies were amazing superhero movies (along with Thor, Captain America, Spiderman, and Green Lantern)... You problem is that you watch the stupid DC movies. Marvel is where it is at yo. Don't judge the amazing Marvel movies when you have been forced to see DC. Aello is no longer allowed to sit with Kendall at lunch because of your hurtful words.


Kendall Saarinen wrote:(along with Thor, Captain America, Spiderman, and Green Lantern)... You problem is that you watch the stupid DC movies.


Kendall Saarinen wrote: Green Lantern... You problem is that you watch the stupid DC movies.


Kendall Saarinen wrote: Green Lantern... DC movies.



*coughs*
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[Ariel's Scrapbook] Ariel's School for Ants

Postby Growl on September 28th, 2011, 10:22 pm

*Folds arms over Chest*

Well maybe she doesn't want to sit with Kendall!

Harumph!
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[Ariel's Scrapbook] Ariel's School for Ants

Postby Growl on October 3rd, 2011, 2:27 pm

Some Things Never Change, And Some Things Do


Image It's official, I have finally fluttered away from the icy city this week. Well, only a few days ago, and I suppose, I really do welcome the change. Although, I will miss working with Cheshire because she's been nothing but kind and supportive, I'm excited to stretch my wings and take off my training wheels so to speak. It's still odd though, to be in a new place, largely on my own. But I'm sure I'll get used to it.

ImageIt's just, that Black Rock is essentially the polar opposite of Avanthal. Where Avanthal is always icy and cold and a wintry wonderland, Black Rock manages to be below freezing. People there love Dira, as well as a few others like Tanroa, whereas the people in Avanthal shout "all hail Morwen," and the like. We have different army set-ups... one's population is nearly all dead guys and the other is not. It's just... very, very different, although not necessarily a bad thing.

I like Black Rock, but I like Avanthal too. For different reasons. I think that Black Rock can help me to better understand one of my pcs, while Avanthal can help to better understand another. It's quite the trade-off. Although, there's something about the morbidity of the city that kind of draws me into it, and repulses me at the same time. Don't get me wrong, I can appreciate death being a part of life, but I wouldn't say I openly welcome it. In the sense that I don't want my friends or family to simply drop dead tomorrow, kind of thing. Nor do I truly fear it.

I don't like so much as driving past graveyards, nor do I want to see dead bodies lying around, or people being prepared for cremation. (Sorry for the morbidity, but none of that is pleasant, or something I deem worth doing, or thinking about). Not that I don't visit the burial site of my dead relatives, at least once in awhile, but it's not exactly a favorite past time- being in a graveyard. However, despite all of this, I DO find myself fascinated by life after death. If there is one of course. Who knows? Hence my agnosticism, I suppose.

I can't say I truly, at least consistently, believe certain things that could happen after you die. At least to your spirit or your soul. Although, I do appreciate the notion of reincarnation. I think it's possible, as is anything else.

Anyway, enough of that... I think it's too easy to accidently step on a sore spot when you get into those more philosophical discussions...

On the eve of all of this, I am finding, surprisingly enough, that my past is haunting me. For any of those that know me well enough, they'd know that I was, (am?) a social work student. They'd also know I used to volunteer my time, A LOT at local hospitals and the like. That was well over a year ago, since I've taken some time off for the sake of my sanity. And even so, all this stuff is popping up now- in the news and other forms of media, and to be honest, I kind of want to cry. Mind you, I don't bother watching reports, partially because I'm not a TV person, and partially because I know I'll only depress myself further. But... I can't help reading headlines and simply shuddering to myself.

It never ceases to amaze me, the things that people find out when they have enough time. What people will admit to when under pressure; questioned enough, coerced. It disgusts and saddens me really, all at once. And yet, it makes me happy too, in the sense that there is some form of justice in this world, no matter how delayed it may be at times.

Without getting into much detail, since technically, I can't really, I must say that I've been rather off lately. Sadder than usual, not in the mood to write.

I don't know... I just wish bad things would quit happening to innocent people. That's all.

Forgive me for the jumbly little scrap...

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[Ariel's Scrapbook] Ariel's School for Ants

Postby Blythe on October 9th, 2011, 1:43 pm

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Ok good, I have a place to save this... since I can't find that other forum made all e-special for this purpose. Posting templates... everything seems to like hiding from me. *Makes shifty eyes*

I am watching you Miz...

Anyway, in other news. It looks like Blythe may finally get off the island this season, or early next.

No! No! It's for reals this time! Promise! I even came up with a cool way to get her off the island... which is one step ahead of the last few times I promised to move the poor girl.

... I am just not going to tell you what it is. Since I like surprises... slash everything is subject to minor adjustments. Or not so minor ones ;)

Other than that, there isn't much new going on with this pc... things I need to remind myself to get done other than her work threads... which are always more than exciting.

But yay! Blythe is escaping the island! (Or maybe she's already dead)? LOST reference, anyone? Anyone? No? Ok.... :(


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[Ariel's Scrapbook] Ariel's School for Ants

Postby Growl on October 10th, 2011, 10:43 pm

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Hockay... so this is going to be a semi-whiny post. If you don't like that sort of thing... this post is not for you!

Lets start at the beginning, with just a bit of background information just so you know a bit about me. I haven't really dated before. I have, but it's not, something I have pursued heavily, or experienced on a regular basis. Or very often at all. I'm not boy crazy, nor am I girl crazy, or someone who regularly goes out looking for people to date. Part of this has to do with interest, my long-term health problems, and lastly, and more than likely, most importantly, my history. I suppose, you could say I've had two long-term relationships. The first was when I was still in high school. I dated this particular boy, Eden, for a couple of years until I finally broke up with him. No, it wasn't because I didn't like him. I cared about him rather deeply, but due to an unfortunate turn of events, I was no longer in a good emotional state and told him as much. He was pretty good about it. He was upset, of course, but he understand where I was coming from and accepted my decision. We remained friends after that. Close friends. A few months later, he was in a car with four of his friends. The driver was drunk. The group crashed, and he was the only survivor. Eden spent at least a month in the hospital, and shortly after being released, killed himself. Needless to say, I was devastated, and for a long time, blamed myself. I knew logically, that he didn't kill himself because I broke up with him, but emotionally I was convinced. The events were just too close together for my taste not to be related to each other.

The second person I dated was a girl, somewhere around a year after I had dated Eden. We didn't date anywhere near as long. Only a few months. The only reason we broke up, was because she cheated on me. With five guys, in a two month period. My sister told me. Needless to say, it was awkward and I was pissed. Partially because she was the one who asked me to date her. Partially because my sister, who is two and a half years younger found out about what she was doing and had to tell me. (Apparently, at 17, I was of the mindset that no one would think to do that). Partially because she cheated. I mean it sucks. If you don't like me or want to date me, just tell me please. I didn't understand why she couldn't. And that, the fact that she couldn't just upset me. It really made me feel as though I wasn't good enough for her, good enough to know the truth... good enough to know a multitude of things. For a long time, it really didn't help my already dwindling self-esteem.

Thus, for about the next year, I decided not to try dating. In college, I went on three dates. They were all disasters. The first guy was a- shorter than me, which is difficult to be considering I'm only 5'1. B- an ass. All he did was talk about girls he wanted to date more than me, and how much he drank. The second somehow managed to be worse. The third I got stood up... for three hours... in the rain. As you can well imagine, I gave up on dating again. I just couldn't deal. I felt insecure, and just not worth it. So I waited until those feelings began to go away.

More recently, within the last few months, I have begun to look for someone to be with. Not because I think dating is the greatest thing in the world. Not because I feel incomplete, or any less insecure about myself and other things- my appearance, whether I'll be cheated on, or my significant other simply killing themselves. Not because I am jealous of happy couples, (that used to be a huge problem for me), not because I want to take someone's love away from them simply to be an ass, but because I am really, really lonely, and would love someone to spend some time with.

Let me make something clear. I have friends, I do. It's just that they're essentially, living in every state but the one I am from, are away at college, or studying abroad. I am just hanging tight, taking some time off to deal with a few things. This means, that there is NO ONE around to spend time with, unless it's the holidays. But even then, most people aren't around. Thus, I have been left feeling rather alone.

A few months ago. I met a boy I really liked. His name is Etna. Why do I really like him? Because for one thing, he seems to like me for more than my appearance. He acts his age. And he treats me like a human being. You may think that sounds odd. But when you're sick, and everyone in your small town knows it, you tend to get made fun of... a lot. You get these horrid stares. People look at you weird. And when they know you took some time off from college to take care of yourself, they laugh at you, and essentially tell you that you just threw your life away. Etna isn't like that. At all. He's one of the few people that accept my going through a hard time, and is supporting me through that. He has been nothing but helpful, even though he doesn't always understand things, or know how to deal with my angry outbursts. And to be quite frank, I have been pretty damn thankful to have him as part of my life, even though I seldomly feel as though I deserve to have him there.

We used to talk all the time. At least five hours a day, into the early hours of the morning. When I was in the hospital, he was the only person to write me letters. When I got back, he was overjoyed to see me. He just made me feel loved... to put it lightly. Soon enough, I realized I was in love with him. That in itself, was scary as all get out. Part of it had to do with my past relationship history. Part of it had to do with how I felt about myself. Not very pleasant to be honest, and the rest was associated with my just beginning to regain my health, and heightened interest in other women, and lessening interest in men. To be honest, I really didn't think I could fall in love with anyone. Let alone a man, right there and then.

It scared me. It still scares me and weirds me out. It made me push. It made my head spin. I didn't get it. I didn't like it. But I didn't not like it either. And it sure as hell took me awhile to learn how to accept it.

It seemed, for a long time, that Etna really liked me too. And that made me really happy, and I kept him close. When he started up school again, however, he had far less time. We hardly talk now. He is always busy, with friends, or sick. And yes, that makes me jealous, to an extent, because I want to spend more time with him, but at the same time, I understand there are other people in his life. That also, however, makes he somewhat insecure... in the sense that I'm paranoid he may find another girl to be with.

Anyway, recently, we got into talk about dating. And although I'd really like to try dating him, he has no interest in trying with me. That killed. I hate rejection, and I hate the bloody first thought that swept through my mind: You're ugly. The second was something along the lines of: great... you're not good enough for him either.

That was followed by a litany of- it's because you wear this or that, or gained so and so amount of weight, (because I have recently put on like 15 pounds), and because you're not in school and he is, and you haven't done this and this, and he probably hates your tattoo, and your smile. And you're breaking out. You look like you're going through puberty again!

Until I've absolutely destroyed what was left of my self-esteem and have been left crying. The only comfort I can find is this: he isn't that damn shallow. I try to remind myself of that. He wouldn't reject me completely, just because my body is imperfect, which has left me to think of other reasons.

That led me to think of how I treat him. And to be honest, I do go back and forth. Sometimes, I'd like to think most of the time, I treat him rather well. Listening when he is upset, giving my opinion on things, helping him out when he is sick... that sort of thing. But sometimes, when I am in a crappy ass mood, I really do take it out on him. I have done this a number of times. I feel bad each time I do it, and apologize, and explain myself eventually. But it still makes me uneasy. It makes me feel like a bad friend, and in this instance, it makes me somewhat nervous.

What if that's why he's not interested? Those days when I have the worst mood swings in the history of the world... even if they come less and less frequently. What if that is what has pushed him away? What if that is what has made him disinterested in dating? What has made him just want to be friends?

I really can't think of anything else.

I really hope that isn't it. But I wouldn't blame him if it was. I mean, I know how I feel about him, but can't imagine he can. It must be so confusing when I'm nice one minute, and flipping a shit the next. For no apparent reason.

I feel awful. I fear I might start crying again.

I really, really like him, and I don't think he knows. And it's fucking killing me right now... I really don't know what to do.
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[Ariel's Scrapbook] Ariel's School for Ants

Postby Kendall Saarinen on October 10th, 2011, 11:02 pm

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*hugs for the Growlithe* I'm so sorry to hear about all of that. While I cannot relate to it on a completely direct level, I totally know how it feels to be rejected and afraid to date/fall in love. It's good you can still talk to him, even if it is a little bit. I lost someone I really cared about because I could not talk to them as honestly as I wished I could. They went from someone that was closer to me than anyone in the world to someone who I now cannot stand the thought of. I really hope you can figure things out with Etna. He seems really great. You don't find people like that too often. I knew someone like him but sadly, she was not strong willed as I would have hoped. She pretty much distanced herself from me just because one of her other friends was jealous that we were so close.

In the end, you are awesome (at least the little bit I know of you is). You are so much fun to talk to and you are always there to listen when I need someone to rant to. I really hope things start to turn up and get better. You really deserve the best. If you ever need to talk my AIM is always open.

And if you want my advice, you should just let him know how you feel. If you don't and lose the chance, you'll regret it. People loved to know they are loved (or liked). Even if he does not have mutual feelings for you, he knows that he means the world to someone and that feels good.
"I'm burning and I'm blacking my lungs.
Boy you know it feels good with fire back on your tongue."
-Ryan Ross

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[Ariel's Scrapbook] Ariel's School for Ants

Postby Growl on October 10th, 2011, 11:06 pm

Aww thanks Chessie. *huggles*
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[Ariel's Scrapbook] Ariel's School for Ants

Postby Growl on October 18th, 2011, 12:07 am

I just turned 20...

Where oh where did my dear childhood go?
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[Ariel's Scrapbook] Ariel's School for Ants

Postby Siiri on October 18th, 2011, 12:25 am

Empty your pockets. Sometimes it's there.

But if it's chewed gum you find, that's mine.
Apologies to everyone I'm threading with, but it's like the Danaides for me right now.
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[Ariel's Scrapbook] Ariel's School for Ants

Postby Jilitse on October 18th, 2011, 12:57 am

Love is not a gamble, it's not win or lose. It's a choice. Most of the time it is loving more and getting loved less, or not at all.

Go the way that's more comfortable for you!

*offersNuithugs*
I. Vox Populi, Vox Dei
II. The Night the Watchtowers Cried

I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common woman with common thoughts and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough.
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