I've been fighting with the words on how to show my gratitude for all the support you've all shown me at such a dark hour in my life. 'Thank you' really doesn't seem to suffice in such circumstances...for me anyway. But its been a week now, and while I'm still working towards finding an appropriate way to show my appreciation, I think I've infringed well enough on the area of just being rude by not saying anything. So here's my shot at it.
In my short time here at Mizahar, of which I hope there are still many more years to come, I've noticed that we don't always get along with one another.
Seriously Megatron, could you make a more obvious statement than that? But tempers flare, opinions clash, and vague hostilities are made. It's a sad affair, but also one I find to be unavoidable. Its the human condition and our experiences which shape us into sometimes opposing forces, and I can tell some of you might be arguing with me already. But as for me? I feel that we're not so different, you and I. Sure, some words can be said that ignite a fire within us to defend or attack as we see fit. And some take to that passion more readily than others. But seriously, who are we to judge? Are we not all flawed? I just lost a good friend that embraced his flaws and the flaws of others with love, not spurn them. He was proud at times, sure. But he also knew how to concede with grace when he was wrong. I try to emulate that behavior day in and day out because I believe its the right thing to do, and I know its what he would have wanted.
Right before he passed, Ryan left me a binder full of pictures he'd taken and poems he'd written. He'd given binders just like mine to his close friends. But on the front of each binder he wrote a personal note to each of us. Mine read:
"Adam - What can more words say that we don't already share. You inspire me with a strength you don't know you have inside of you. I will be here but you don't need me or anyone else. I love you Brother."
These simple words struck my core. Even now after a week's passing, simply typing them out is making me shed tears I thought I'd put behind me for a little while. Ryan had a better grasp of life than most people I know, and the simple fact that I inspired him...? I don't feel worthy of such words, honestly. How could I have inspired someone that inspires me that much more? But there was just one thing he said that troubles me. I do need others in my life.
You. You who have written here on my scrap, who have messaged me in private, who I've shared conversations with in chat and on AIM. I needed you more than I can possibly fathom. And even though some of you may disagree with one another over other things at other times, the fact that you came together and showed a heartfelt sorrow for my loss? You really aren't as different from one another as you may think. The hatred that sometimes fuels us is far weaker than the love we are capable of. You have given me strength to endure by that love, and I sincerely thank each and every one of you.
And while I expected to a certain degree that I would receive sympathy, because I won't pretend to be so naive, I did not expect the weight or the impact your words would have on me. Even now just skimming back over everything that was said, I'm in awe of the level of your compassion. Each response spoke volumes, and I guess that's due to the fact that I don't know hardly any of you on a personal level. I hope that changes as time passes. I'd like to get to know the people that lifted me up when I was down, even if we don't always agree on everything.
I invite you to add me on AIM if you feel so compelled. And again, sincerely, thank you.