[Kendall's Scrapbook] Caught In The Crossfire

[Kendall Saarinen]

When You're Young "You give what you give cause they make you Trapped inside a place that won't take you And they want you to be what they make you It's already over and done When you're young" This topic is something that is a big one for me. While I feel mature I know I am young, or at least younger. Most people I interact with are much older than me. It is not that I am upset about this fact. It's more so that it just gets me thinking. I really want to make people proud and like me. I know it is silly. I cannot make everyone proud but I really want to. I want people to see me as a capable because I don't want to be seen as an age, but as my skills. I am touched when people say "Oh! You are seventeen? You are so mature for a teenager/You write so well for a teenager!" Trust me, it makes me feel seven kinds of happy. In the same stroke, I want people to see that not everyone my age is a group of nut jobs. It is not just on people older than me. I am not sitting here saying "Adults! Stop looking at teenagers as a bunch of dorks!" because really, we are. The majority of people my age can me immature, idiotic, and disrespectful. I've seen it in schools, I've seen it in my friends, I've even seen it just walking around in public. People my age want to be seen as adults but they act like total idiots. It is on teenagers to try to act the way they want to be treated. You want people to respect you as an adult? Okay, then don't go out drinking or mouth of people just because. No one is going to just start respecting you because you have made it into high school/college. You gotta earn it. On the other hand, there are people who do act mature and try to set a good example and they are treated like the dorks who are really, the worst of the group. I've been through a lot with with living with my dad and his wife. They really were not mature at all and it forced me to grow up a lot sooner than I should have. If you are not getting what I mean, put yourself in this scenario. If you disagree with something I say, you are not getting any presents for the holidays. Something like that causes you to be mature hella fast. In the end, I can only try to seem mature. People are going to look at me and see what ever they want. I can only try to do my best to make people see me the way I want to be seen. What really tends to bother me is when I try REALLY hard to have people like me, like go out of my way kinda hard, and they still treat me like some whatever just sitting around. It really makes me want to stop trying to be nice and friendly. I put a lot of thought into this. Why do I try so hard to impress people who really don't care one way or another about me?" Why put effort into people who are going to idolize others who don't try as hard as me? I really think hard about this because if you think about it logically, it makes no sense. That is the beauty of it. There is no reason to work my tail off to impress people who don't give to shakes about what I do to try and be friendly with them. I just need to stop. If have tried and tried again to make someone see me and appreciate me and they are not responding, they aren't worth my time. I know I am better than that. I know that I deserve to associate myself with people appreciate me even when I am not trying to impress them. The bottom line is, I am going to try to stop putting so much effort into the people who don't appreciate me and more into those who do. I think it will make me much less stressed out.

[Kendall Saarinen]

Just a little poem written with Kendall in mind From the ties in my tongue The chills down my spine For when I am perfect For when I fall out of line Do we know each other? Do we see eye to eye? Do we speak the same language? Do we sound the same cry? I walk everyone else's footsteps I don't want to walk my own I don't want to see through my eyes But who I am in set in stone We are neverchanging Through all of our forms we stay the same Don't forget to smile though Those are the rules of the game The dream was never to be happy Since when did that garner any fame? I never knew the pain Until I knew the flame

[Kendall Saarinen]

Another scrappie post… I really want to post this poem though. It sorta reminds me of Kendall (and a little of Hadrian). It is just really beautiful in my opinion. So beautiful it gets a different background! Hades' Shade By Jon Orison I woke up with a feverish pitch piercing my hidden mind. Sweat dripping in slow beads from my helpless fear, Guarding my sorrow through a wind blown night, I felt a knock at a door unused in years. A fence of tears mounted a barricade around movement, Held in position to remember her. To touch her uneven eyes with no candle light, A dark trek into an unforseen life, No control and no sight, Emotions played without ploys, Only quiet tries, Yelling whispers to the lonely night --- I love her. Will she ever know? Frozen souls become melting snow, Riding down avenues with pictures of old beliefs. People forgotten but still seen, Killing love, Killing everything! Unholy witness to a dying dream. And me, Along to hold the blame, In a desert home left to feel her shame, Old conversations chase her away. The magical (four), Out of (seven) he stays, Holds her at present, Not afraid to watch the young woman fade. Wants her in elder years, Wants her beyond the past, Wants her to be the last, To change with the young man! To bathe with the young man! Walking into holy lakes never seen, The heart has nightmares of a lovers dream. This one he needs may rest uneasy, The wounds she feel spill into this night. He could not sleep again in places she's been, Reaching through the air to touch empty sin, To touch something to defend. Will this woman love him? Or will he rest uneasy in a shadow parade, Left to burn slow in an edited frame, Pleasure is a show to a past filled with pain, His heart cannot live as a link in her chain! The sorrow would push him to Hades' shade, Can't talk to the others, Can't make them go away. So he walks with the struggle- Love brings a new day. Erin, my heart hurt last night…

[Seven Xu]

[Seven Xu]

*fights back*

[Bolden Denusk]

You Go Glen Coco!


P.S. Love your 3 doors down video <3

[Kendall Saarinen]

This is from a poem by William Beckett (the man in the picture). It is one of my favorites. It's gotten me through a lot of hard times. I used to have it taped to one of my closet doors before I moved. I always read it when I am feelinf under the weather or bothered. I actually met William Beckett once. He is REALLY tall The words in the picture just came to me. It really fits in with right now. Things may or may not be turning out the way I want or expect but that is life and we've hit Autumn. We are going to move on. Nothing is the end until our final verse has been said. Here is the full poem, as always with the same spelling, capitalization, and punctuation. Realization Enter The Author Home. Security. Illusion. Ego. Self. Lust. Blame. Sloth. Betrayal and Fear. Enter Panic. Journey. Road. Quest. Reflect. Chaos. Discover. Condemn. Adjust and Change. The search has begun. This is Page One. Men meet your maker, I give you "The Author". He may look familiar because he looks like your mirror. You've lied like a lawyer, but don't deny it when you're face to face with demons dancing off mirror images reflecting all that you wanted. So far from perfect. Enter The Mirror. Onward, we will strive for betterment. Take it for what it is worth, this truth that you've realized. You're not who you thought you were, it's time to see the other side of what you have become . . . Nothing but Single serving selfish chapters of sacrificial moral standards. No stranger to apathy in Bold situations. Take your time to make it happen. Bring your mirror, and spare your excuse for a self serving mystery. This is a drastic endeavor. Desperate time call for desperate measures. Take it, or leave it, if you will. From this point on, it's Courtrooms and Battlefields. The way you thought it would all work out . . . we've hit Autumn. Just follow the storyboard. The Fall of the Author. From this point on, it's Exposure and Recovery. take it, or leave it, if you will. Exit The Author. -William E. Beckett

[Kendall Saarinen]

The Coolest Thing Ever... This Week!

[Kendall Saarinen]

Dreams for Kenny I think it is about time I outline my goals and dreams for Kendall. It will probably help me keep them in line and more importantly, not forget them. The latter is probably most important. The picture above it supposed to be Kendall sleeping since this is about my dreams for him. I know it is a bit of a stretch, but I like pictures in my posts. So without further ado, here are my dreams for Kenny and my thoughts behind them (because I feel odd just writing them down without explaining my reasoning). Dream One: Second Mark from Ivak I want Kendall to get a second mark from Ivak. Above everything, he is an Azenth and he wants to be well favored by Ivak. Of course, one of his dreams is to free Ivak as well but that goes without saying. It has been shown through Kendall's posts that he wants very badly to be marked again by Ivak for the sole reason that he wants to help Him more than he does now. He thinks with his first mark Ivak is testing him and seeing how he fares with a small portion of His power. He hopes if he keeps working and praying, Ivak might mark him again. Dream Two: First Mark from Oriana I have been dreaming this up for a while now. Kendall really wants to be a mother. Even when he was with Kay'lan he was already psyching himself up to be a mother. The thing is, now he finds himself in a body that cannot conceive children, with a lover who cannot get pregnant. Kendall loves Hadrian and is not upset that he cannot bear him a child but in the end, he really wants to have children someday. This is where his pull to Oriana would come from. He has a thread with Growl in Avanthal which is going to shape him up for a meeting with Oriana (hopefully) and is also going to get schooled about Oriana from Belgar. From there, he will start praying to the Goddess. He will worship (or already is worshiping depending on when you read) her not only because he wants to be a mother and have children but because he craves the thought of a mother. He has a mother of course, but there have been many complications along the way. The first being of course that his mother disowned him (along with the rest of his family) after his accident. Also, Kendall was extremely close with his mother, like best friends close. They were a lot alike and a lot of who he is and strives to be is and was based off of her. Since losing his connection with her, he has had a hard time finding someone to look up to and to see as a comforting, mothering presence. I'm hoping that through Kendall's prayer and if all goes nicely, a marking from Oriana, Kendall will find a feeling of peace in a mothering sense, seeing that Oriana is by nature, a mothering Goddess. In conclusion, I have always loved Oriana. She is one of my favorite Goddesses (or demigoddesses rather). If Kendall does get marked by Oriana, I would love to have him join The Cult of Bears. I think that that faction could be really great and fun to play out if we had some people in it! So, maybe a minor side dream within a dream (inception!), if Kendall gets marked by Oriana, work on getting into Cult of Bears and/or getting it to be a more prominent faction. Dream Three: First Mark from Nysel Kendall's thoughts on Nysel have been very back and forth through his story so far. I started him out worshiping the God (as well as Ivak) because Kendall would often dream of being a female and this gave him a lot of comfort as he worked through his issues after his accident. Come summer of 511 AV, Kendall's dreams started to take a turn for the worse. They were so horrible that he could no longer sleep in fear of them. They made him toss and turn, ripping him awake and often Hadrian as well. The dreams would always be about his accident or things having to do with it. While Kendall never cursed Nysel for these dreams, it did dampen his faith for the God. He no longer felt comfortable in unconsciousness and in a way, it made him feel as though Nysel was trying to keep him from his realm. Since then, Kendall's dreams have somewhat calmed. He still has bad dreams along with the good ones but they are not as frequent. His faith for Nysel is slowly coming back as times moves on. In a more OOC note, I have written a lot of dream threads for Kendall. Four to be exact, and I'm working on a fifth. Are they worth all of the effort I put into them XP/Lore wise? Not exactly, but they are fun and I hope that through writing well written and creative dreams might someday attract some attention from Nysel. Even just meeting Nysel would be wonderful for Kendall. Dream Four: Becoming Fluent in Vani and Kontinese This one is pretty plain and simple. There is not a real reason for it other than the fact it would be cool to have a character who can fluently speak more than one language. Also, it would be fun to have Kendall talk all sultry to Hadrian in a different language. Dream Five: Be Randomly Really Good at the Piano Another really odd dream. I've had this one since Kendall's creation but I never really worked on it. I've always admired people who are just randomly good at piano and just start playing it out of nowhere. I have written that Kendall's mom taught him but I never actually wrote it out. Once I get Marie (Kenny's mom) written up and approved as a NPC I might finally work on that. I just don't want to do a million solos about him failing at piano. Of course, if you gotta do it, you gotta do it. Dream Six: Get to Expert at Storytelling, Writing, and Poetry I write Kendall as this kick butt writer (since that is what he studied at the university in Zeltiva) but he really does not have the skills to back it up. I am planning some threads where he will get these skills up so hopefully he'll keep getting closer to expert! Dream Six: Have Kendall Learn Morphing This has been a goal for a few seasons now. Kendall was going to learn it waaaaaay back in the Spring, in Syliras but that didn't work out. Hadrian is going to teach him, we just need to finally set up the thread were Kendall learns. The end result of learning morphing will hopefully be that Kendall can work on morphing himself back to normal (if he cannot get his regular body back) and I also really want him to be able to morph into a cat that looks like this. No real reason, I just think it is cute. Okay, those are my dreams at the moment. I might add more someday but I'm content with this list for now Thanks for reading.

[Kendall Saarinen]

I felt like this needed to be in my scrapbook...