[Kendall's Scrapbook] Caught In The Crossfire

[Kendall Saarinen]

Happy New Year (for about 2% of the population)! I promise this is not going to get religious. We are dipping into the topic of Rosh Hashana for one moment but I promise there is a nondenominational focus to this. I am not super religious but I do want to talk about Rosh Hashana for one moment (not the whooooo mysticism, but the meaning behind it). I'm NOT preaching, just talking about my thoughts. Take 'em or leave 'em as you may. Rosh Hashana is the Jewish New Year. I can admit that I don't know as much about Judaism as I should. I really cannot even recount the story of Rosh Hashana off the top of my head. It is one of the few times out of the year I go to synagogue services and yes… I wear a dress O_O I know, so scary. I hate it, but I am going off on a tangent. After services every year my mom and brother go to a cedar mill with a bag of bread (if we have enough time to grab one before heading to services) and do something called Tashlich. This is the act of one taking pieces of bread and throwing them into a river to "rid themselves of sins". For example, one might take a piece of bread, say "I'm sorry for calling my brother a jerk the other day", and then throw the bread into the river where it will either be washed away or eaten by animals. Where we go there is an abundance of ducks so they aways end up eating the bread before it can wash away. The whole thing is pretty therapeutic whether you are really into the holiday (like my mom) or just looking to get some stuff off of your chest (like me). My brother usually makes a joke out of it. Saying things like "I'm sorry that I am so handsome and it makes people jealous". He will get to more serious comments but still, it is sorta funny (and I usually jokingly quote mean girls while I do it too so I can't judge). While we were doing Tashlich I was really thinking about what I wanted to apologize for. I know that throwing bread (or in our case, donuts) into a river doesn't just poof away your wrong doings. It helps to lessen the guilt though. I wanted to make sure I apologized for the things I felt sorry about. One of the biggest things I apologized for was talking about people behind their backs. I always say I'm not going to do it because I know how much it hurts me. In middle school people spread rumors about me like crazy. I don't know why. Maybe because it is easy to pick on the quiet nerdy girl. I always said I would not talk about others behind their backs because I knew how horrible it was for me. I still do it though. Everyone does. Don't lie and say "Oh, I never do it. I am considerate." I am a super considerate person too but it is just a fact of life that it happens. I'm not doing this to call anyone out. That's not my tune. I'm writing it about myself and people in general. I cannot count the amount of times people have come to me and gone "Hey Sarah, you gotta hear what I heard about [person's name here]!" It's hard to say no. Especially when people don't really give you the chance to and it is more like "Hey Sarah, [person's name here] is a common dandy!" (because we all talk like that). We want to know hip and happening things because to put it bluntly, it is interesting. Sad as it is, hearing Katie got an A on her math final is not as interesting as hearing Robert cheated on his girlfriend. Celebrity magazines are a HUGE show of this. I cannot tell you how little I care about Kim Kardashian and Lady Gaga. I really only read those magazines in hopes that I will find pictures of Michael C. Hall or Hugh Jackman. It doesn't take a lot to say you don't care about popular celebrities. In fact, doing do usually will get people to think you are cool. It is harder to say you don't care about gossip amongst people you know though. It's because it is real and it is there. It is tangible because you know the people. I can honestly say that I have had times where I have said "You know what? I really don't want to hear about it." This usually happens when people say things like "Hey, this thing happened but you can't tell anyone about it." At that point I REALLY want to know because deep down, I love gossip (I'm not going to lie to you guys). I will turn it down though. It is because of something some one said in middle school… *descends into story time* Back when I was just a little Cheshire kitten in seventh grade I had a HUGE crush on a guy named Matt (this story has a point, I promise… I sound like Elle Woods). He had a best friend who, for the life of me I cannot remember the name of. I want to say Colin or Garrett but both are probably wrong. Anyways, not important to the story at all. For the sake of the story, lets call him Garrett. Matt and Garrett were talking about one of their friends and little 'ol me had finally gotten to the point where I could hang around my crush. Matt said something like "Hey, did you hear what is going on with Amber?" and Garrett completely stopped him. He said something I would remember for the rest of my life. He said "I don't want to hear it. If Amber wants me to know, she'll tell me herself." I was blown away by this because what kind of seventh grader has that kind of rumor willpower? I've used that kind of thinking ever since. It took a while to be able to "rumor block" as the fine teachers of my middle school liked to call it, but I did it. I guess with all of this rambling I am just trying to say that I really want to try and stop talking about people behind their backs. Will I stop? Probably not (I told you guys I wouldn't lie to you), but I am going to try to at least lessen what I say. I want to be like Garrett (or whatever his name was) and be able to keep away from rumors and talking about people behind their backs. Some times you really need to because you REALLY need to vent. In the end, it is best to try to talk to the person if you can, but that in of itself is hard to do and it takes time (much like the "rumor blocking"). In the end, the best I can do is see what bothers me in other people. Even around Mizahar I try to keep out of the drama but when I am in chat and I see people gathered around, mocking a new person's CS I gotta admit, it pisses the heck out of me. We were all new at one point. I know when I joined my first PC was a mess and guess what? Someone pointed me in the right direction and now I am doing much better. My writing and character creation as improved so much and you know why? Because people were really welcoming and helpful. I'm sure if I walked into chat after making my first PC and everyone was gathered around making fun of her and me because the CS sucked I would have been hurt and I wouldn't have wanted to rp here. That is what bothers me in others. The ability to jump on the bandwagon and make fun just because they can. I want to make sure that I am never part of it. I cannot control others, nor do I want to, but I can work to try and let them see how their actions are a little off putting. If they beside not to listen, more power to them. I tried and that is all I can do. Just remember Thumper's words "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

[Kendall Saarinen]

I'm really trying Trying so hard I want to badly to hold on To make things right But I can't I just can't I can't make people feel better in an instant I can't make everything better I can't say what I need to say Even if it is burning to come out Poetry… What has it even done? Give cushion to the feelings that I don't want to have? Let people who I want to stay away creep back in? I can't keep this going It's only dragging me down Mudding me up You just don't see it You don't see anything You only see yourself When are you going to wake up? You need to see what you have done I've tried to make everything perfect for you But I can't anymore You need to find your own perfection A perfection you will never find Things are hard They will always be This will always be your excuse Because there really is no reason You are scared You don't know what to do I can't keep covering though Someday you will need to open your eyes See what you have done Apologize for the path you have flattened Not now though… You still need to grow up You have yet to open your eyes Just don't take that as an excuse Don't ask people to open your eyes for you Just pony up and do it yourself

[Taln]

*noms head* You're a sweetie. That's all. <3

[Bolden Denusk]

We all have times where knowing someone is simply listening is all the words we need. I still want to

you,


and you should know that

[Kendall Saarinen]

Welcome to Real Life I wanted to put either "The Times They are a'Changin'" by Bob Dylan or "No Such Thing" by John Mayer but I realized I have more than enough John Mayer in my scrapbook (even if the latter song is more relevant…) I just wanted to post in here about things that have been going around my mind. It's occurring to me that I am going to be leaving "childhood" soon, so to speak. I'll be eighteen in November and then suddenly, poof, I am a legal adult. I know legal doesn't mean much. Maturity is what really matters and all of that. I'm starting to see what real life is really like though. Once I turn eighteen I'm off of my dad's health insurance. That scares me a lot. I am really nervous to get a job as well. I've always been a nervous sort of person. I often get panic attacks and lately I've been on the edge of them. I've been craving affection. Not the romantic kind. Just the "I care about you" kind. It's not that I am not getting it. I'm just wanting it more than usual. All of this can be put in the back of my mind though. What is really bothering me is my brother. I love my brother to the moon and back. We used to be closer than we are now but I still see him as one of my closest friends. He just started high school this year and he is now "too cool" for me. I totally get it. He is a fourteen year old boy and to him I am his dorky older sister. We still get along but he is more distant. My brother and I used to live together at my dad's house. We lived with each other for our whole lives, through the fantastic and the horrible. We were together while our parents were married, through their divorce, through my father's remarriage to his bitch of a new wife, and finally when our father and his new wife decided to take us from our mother. I try to keep from this story since I don't want people seeing me and going "Awww, there is Chesh. Her story is so sad but she trucks through it". I don't want this story to become me. I just want to get some things out. My brother and I lived with our father and his wife for five years. The summer of the fifth year (this past summer) I had the chance to leave. I'm not going to go into deep detail about living at my dad's. It was really hard, I will say that much. My father never did much but his wife pretty much treated me like I had crawled out of a sewer ditch and was squatting in her home. She forced me to live with her and yet she treated me like I was putting her out and ruining her life. She treated me like that the entire time I knew her, eleven years. Five of which I had to live with her most of the time. My brother on the other hand was treated like the favorite child. If I crawled out of a sewer, he had descended from the heavens. I don't hate him because of this. It's just how it happened. Besides, I am his big sister. I just want him to be happy. He was the kid that my dad and his wife bragged about to everyone. "Michael is in all honors classes" "Michael is going to be an engineer and study at U of M." Around the end of August I moved out of my dad's house and told myself I would not go back. It's been a month since I have seen my dad's wife (or even spoken to her) and it is amazing. I am beyond happy, or I was. Today my mom told me about a conversation she had with my brother. He told her about how my dad's wife was now treating him like she had treated me. I know full well it is not my fault but at the same time, I feel like it is. If I was still there he would not have such a hard time. I would have been gone by eighteen anyways but still, I wish my brother was happier. I miss seeing him happy. A lot of what I write is based off of my life. Kendall is so much like me it is scary. He is my fear, my discomfort, my love, and my hopes. I think his brothers are like two halves of my brother. Layton is the part of him who is proud and strong while Kel is the part of him he hides, the part that is kind and artistic. Kendall's sister Suanna is the femininity I feel I should have. His father Danel is my a lot like my father. He was close to Kendall when she was young and did what he wanted her to. Now that she is older and is deviating from who he wanted her to be he has cast her out. Kendall's mother Marie is tricky. She was based off of my mother but my mother would never abandon me. The mother that appears in Kendall's dreams, the one who has Dhani like features (snake like eyes and speech) is my dad's wife. She always seemed like a Dhani to me, haha. This whole post has been random and sporadic. I know. It helped me though. I needed to just write everything down. I want to end this with another song. Two actually. They are songs that really hit me hard. The first one is a song called "On Your Porch" by The Format. There are so many things in the song that I would love to say to my brother. "What's left to lose? You've done enough... And if you fail well then you fail but not to us Cause these last three years, I know they've been hard But now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun Even if it's alone…." The second is a song called "The Past" by NeverShoutNever. Yes, I know that NeverShoutNever is horrible which is why I am not going to post the song. Trust me, the vocals are painful to listen to. The words really speak to me though. Not the parts about smoking and dropping out of school but the parts about life. "And I sing songs about the past. How I was raised and I was thrown out on my ass. Cause I didn't care about going to school. And I saw the look in her eyes. My mother nearly cried when I had told her that I wanted to go, Just to prove them wrong. I've been smoking cigarettes since I was only fourteen. Just to find an escape from this town that was so mean to me. And I sing songs about my friends, The way we grew up and all the loose ends we used to laugh. Cause we didn't give a damn. And I saw the look in my brother's eyes. When I told him I was leaving, He could help but despise me. He's wanted out his whole life. I've been smoking the green since I was merely sixteen. Just to find an escape from this town that was so mean to me. And I sing songs about the past. I plea for relief. This town won't recede all the things that I want, the things that I need. And I'll beg and I'll beg. I'm down on my knees. Momma, oh momma, let me please leave. I plea for relief. This town won't recede all the things that I want, the things that I need. And I'll beg. All I ever wanted was love." Thank you for reading! Sorry that this was so long. Things will get better. I know they will and I'm going to do all I can to make sure they get better as quick as they can

[Kaiielle]

[Markus Andres]

Secret :

Don't you go jump off 500 feet building =( *huggles tightly*

[Kendall Saarinen]

Friggin' genius I tell you…

[Kendall Saarinen]

It is time to get all of Kendall's crap all worked out so I can figure out who he can thread with in Avanthal this season. I'm only writing down the stuff from around Avanthal. Schedule for the end of Autumn: 74th of Autumn- Kendall, Ethan, and Hadrian meet Jaiun 77th of Autumn- Kendall and group arrives in Avanthal and Kenny gets housing for the group 78th of Autumn- Get a job? (Bear sitting or lyricist/poet for Snowsong) 79th of Autumn- Praying to Oriana/Meeting Tiki 80th of Autumn- Modded thread with Ianthe 81st of Autumn- Kendall meets Belgar 82nd of Autumn- Kendall meets Yuralria 83rd of Autumn- Kendall meets Grot 84th of Autumn- Kendall meets Kaiielle 85th of Autumn- Cooking with Aiza 86th of Autumn- Free 87th of Autumn- Hunting with Kaiielle, Graln, Jaiun, and Silvy in the Reaches 88th of Autumn- Free 89th of Autumn- Free 90th of Autumn- Free 91st of Autumn- Free To make threads with: Graln Kaiielle Cara Okay, now hopefully I can figure this schedule out. I'm going to try and put people where they are supposed to be in the schedule but Hadrian and Ethan get first picks of days.

[Caelum]

This makes me think of Ken. The Answer, by C. Sandburg. You have spoken the answer. A child searches far sometimes Into the red dust On a dark rose leaf And so you have gone far For the answer is: Silence. In the republic Of the winking stars and spent cataclysms Sure we are it is off there the answer is hidden and folded over, Sleeping in the sun, careless whether it is Sunday or any other day of the week, Knowing silence will bring all one way or another. Have we not seen Purple of the pansy out of the mulch and mold crawl into a dusk of velvet? blur of yellow? Almost we thought from nowhere but it was the silence, the future, working.