I'm upset, and it's personal
If you don't want to read a possibly whiney rant, then don't.
I had told myself a while ago that I would stop filling my scrap with whining complains and rants and instead fill it with nerdiness, happiness, and other genrally stupid things.
However, every once and a while things happen that just disgust me to my very core that I can't function or get past the incident. Usually, they are trivial little things that, upon an outsider reading them, seem like nothing at all and rather portray me as a Drama Queen.
To understand my everyday life, you have to realize that I am neither tooting my own horn or exaggerating when I say 80% of it is spent living for other people. I do chores for other people, I run errands for other people, I say and act a certain way for other people so that peace can reign and life can continue as a relatively smooth ride.
Very, very little time is spent on me, what I want to do, what I feel, think, or believe. Sure, I don't have a job and I'm going to school and my housing and food and everything is paid for. I understand how lucky I am and because of that, I try to complain as little as possible. Many people have it harder in many ways that I have it easy. But after a while, complete oppression is disheartening... depressing, even.
I've struggled almost my entire adult life with different illnesses, mental and physical, that have set me back a time or two or, as it's been put to me before, running home to my mommy. Whether you think of these as legitimate struggles or not, they altered the way that I handle things... or in this case, not handle things.
Although I live in a big huge house with a pool and a garage and anything you could hope for, I have little room to myself. The one room I do have isn't even mine.. I have space where I can go to be my myself, space that is mine... and that's my car. Or the shower; I'll take showers because no one can interrupt you there. I never thought how absolutely exhausting it would be to not have a space for yourself. Frankly, I never thought about it until I didn't have it.
As an introvert, it's crucial to have that time alone where you can just recharge your batteries, calm down, prepare for the day, get away from people. Extended time without that has me feeling as if I'm unraveling at the seems. And how lame am I? Falling apart simply because things aren't perfect, or the atmosphere of the house is toxic. I've gotten to the point where my own priorities are so twisted that I don't even allow myself to feel hurt in any way because I think that I shouldn't be complaining, people have it worse. I have it okay.
It seems to just be "final straws" that keep sending me to this state where I can't function. Today, it was Jamba Juice. The family wanted Jamba Juice but was unwilling to go get it themselves. So I did. I didn't want Jamba Juice, but hey, I just wasn't going to get anything. Fine.
Target ended up being right next door to the smoothie place and, once I got there, I realized I could use some new... stuff. Bras, specifically if you have to know. Not even anything frivolous.
Well, apparently waiting an extra 30-40 minutes just isn't alright. I get nasty calls on the phone as I'm checking out, wondering where the Jamba Juice is, and upon explanation, being told that "it's alright, forget it. It's not worth the wait." But what do I do anyway? Go get Jamba Juice.
I don't know why I didn't expect it, but when I come home juggling the drinks, I am completely and utterly ignored, left to hold out the drinks like an idiot while no one even turns their head my way. From the moment I got the call to the moment I got home, I was anxious, dreading walking into the house and dealing with the repercussions of my decision, like I'm some beaten dog. Anxiety went from shock to anger to sadness and now here we are.
Like I said before, it's such a small thing that I can't even really believe the words I'm typing; if I was reading this outside the situation, I'd probably be rolling my eyes. But to just... be so giving and asking so little in return, then treated as if a favor is a requirement and to be completely dismissed and treated like a worthless piece of...
I've noticed a change in myself. Even on Miz, I would go above and beyond what I needed to do, and I know it. Why else would I try to juggle multiple PC's while being a CSL and an RS? Because I like to help, that's why. But even then, I can see myself slipping and snapping at people who don't deserve to be snapped at, coming across as cold or distant when I'm not meaning too. I can see these changes, even if everyone else only notices when I have to put my foot down in chat or if I deal with a situation poorly.
I don't like them. I don't like what this has done to me and I try so very hard to just not give a fuck and let it roll off my shoulders, but I'm human. And I do care, perhaps a little too much.
Call this a pity party if you want, but I mostly wrote this out for me, in a public place where later, when I'm not upset and trying to hold it together, I can read the words and perhaps become a little wiser from it. Forgive and forget is my motto and it just sets me up to be stepped on again. |
by Whimsy on May 20th, 2013, 1:52 am 
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