Aventis/Atticus - The Non-Sequitorial

by **Ball** on March 4th, 2015, 9:07 pm

Ah yes the fly become your enemy

by **Garland** on March 7th, 2015, 1:52 am

We've all been there, Av. We've all been there(except most of them happened back in elementary)

by **Aventis** on March 8th, 2015, 3:21 am

This...

I don't cry a lot. I don't cry for a lot of things. This almost made me cry.

Aventis

by **Aventis** on March 17th, 2015, 6:32 pm

What absolutely sucks.

Oh boy. Here we go.

Hi, guys. Or... Whoever is reading this. If I'm threading with you... Well... I'm just downright sorry about what's happening. Because as the title implies, it absolutely sucks.

Recently a lot has been going on in my little life. A lot of stuff I can't necessarily handle too well. Those that know me to an extent know that I have a little thing called Alexithymia. The mass of people I tell don't know what it is, so... For contingency I'll tell you.

Alexithymia, n my experience, is the absolute mindbending difficulty of connecting a sensation to a named emotion. It's hard to live with. You laugh and don't know why, it just seems involuntary. Was that supposed to be funny? Probably. I don't know. Oh jeez there's something happening to my leg right now. That's a strange feeling. Oh look I'm bleeding. Cool. It's... It's just... I don't know how to rightly explain it. It's difficult.

Over the past few years I've begun to recognize things. I know what pain is (and I know I don't like it), I know what it is to be happy, to love, to be sad. I know what it is, mostly, to feel. And through process of elimination I have labelled all emotions I have felt. Do I understand them? No. But I know the name of the beast.

I am perfectly content with this. But lately... As I have been focusing that and helping my girlfriend, who is going through a second divorce and has panic and anxiety attacks nearly daily, Mizahar has sadly been left unanswered. Or... Mostly. I really am trying. Hard. But along with Mizahar, school has been tough. Folks, I'm not the smartest. Sure, I have a vocabulary, but that doesn't constitute intellect. Being smart is the ability to take knowledge and apply it, in my eyes. That is something I apparently cannot do. I am failing this year of high school.

This has caused trauma at home. My parents and I have never really gotten along. They did not have happy childhoods, and their parents' parenting styles have reflected onto them. They believe that I am the smartest kid in my class, that I am perfectly capable of straight As, which I am not. And I know I am not. So when I disappoint them... It's... It's scary, guys. It's really scary. I know I'm not the only one that has parental issues and I know compared to other people I basically hit jackpot, but... I'm scared in my own home. I'm scared of failure which is nearly inevitable.

This tension manifested itself into stress and fear. So much so in fact that I lost my best friend during a fight. Yeah, I have my side of the story and my idea of what could justify what happened, but that doesn't matter. I lost her and I can't get her back. So there goes my best friend.

And now, virtually alone in the sense of people that make me feel happiness (save for choice teachers, counselors, my girlfriend, and you) I have been... Down. It feels empty, harrowed. But, again, I felt like people had it worse than me. So I kept going. Which was a mistake.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with clinical depression and I have no medication for it.

So... Yeah. I'm going to be trying to get over all of this bullshit and working on your posts in the meantime.

It might take a bit.

I'm sorry.

by **Estrellir Konrath** on March 17th, 2015, 9:45 pm

Don't be sorry. This is serious stuff and more important than Mizahar. I do hope you don't give up and keep going through all this. I can't imagine what it must be like... but if it's bad now, it has to get better eventually. Just wait for it.

And if you want to talk, I'll listen.

by **Vanessa Lawson** on March 17th, 2015, 10:40 pm

Dylan. There is nothing for you to apologize for. I understand what you're going through in terms of failing and cynical depression. Then again, everyone deals with things in their own way. No matter what you happen to be dealing with or going through I can talk to you if you ever need it. We all have that time when things look down, but it's up to us wether we let it break us.

by **Rosela** on March 18th, 2015, 12:35 pm

Live > Mizahar. Always. You take whatever time you need to get back to a better place. High school is a tough time as it is, and I can't imagine going through it with the extra stress you have. Mizahar will still be here whenever you're ready.